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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 29 to 53 of 53. Go back in thread:
Posted by Shame on March 18, 2005, at 7:07:26
In reply to Re: Poem for the weary - Shame, posted by Toph on March 17, 2005, at 17:45:24
On 3/17/05 Toph Attempted to infuriate me by saying :
> >
> > Main Entry: cack·le
> > Pronunciation: 'ka-k&l
> > Inflected Form(s): cack·ling
> > 1 : to make the sharp broken noise or cry characteristic of a hen especially after laying
> >
> > Are you saying that I laid an egg with this one, Shame? ; ) Toph
> >
> >
>
> Shame:
>
> If you took the above self-effacing comment of mine as something offense, then I apologize for not being more clear. Your reply, of course, was unambiguous. I regret the misunderstanding.
>
> Good Luck ; )
>
> TophI have no sense of humor. My anger overwhelms my senses, filling all the fibers of my being with a righteous rage that threatens to consume my tenuous grasp on reason.
<Shakes fist>
Let that be a lesson to us all.
Posted by Toph on March 18, 2005, at 9:12:58
In reply to Re: Poem for the weary - Shame, posted by Shame on March 18, 2005, at 7:07:26
> On 3/17/05 Toph Attempted to infuriate me by saying :...
Not so, Shame. I wasn't sure what cackle meant so I looked it up, copied it in my response, made a lame self-depreciating joke about hens, and even added a wink to be sure you knew I was joking (I'm learning that this is a good practice here). But you can always confront someone here by asking them about their intentions.
>
>
> I have no sense of humor. My anger overwhelms my senses, filling all the fibers of my being with a righteous rage that threatens to consume my tenuous grasp on reason.
>Not so, Shame. I actually cracked a smile before I got pissed off when you said that He He He You said bone comment.
I'm a little touchy too sometimes.
> Let that be a lesson to us all.
>
Ditto.Again, I'm sorry you mistook my intent.
Toph
Posted by Toph on March 18, 2005, at 9:24:21
In reply to Re: Poem for the weary » Toph, posted by Susan47 on March 17, 2005, at 20:03:25
You know what Susan, you said what you said because its the truth. It's based on what I've told you. I'm not the greatest husband, father, social worker, or friend. Like you, shrinks have always told me that I am too hard on myself. Sometimes I think they are just not listening to me.
Posted by Susan47 on March 18, 2005, at 9:33:39
In reply to Re: Poem for the weary - Shame » Shame, posted by Toph on March 18, 2005, at 9:12:58
Yeah, well, you're self-deprecating a lot, Toph. You're also smart, sensitive, and kind. So there. And tons of other good stuff I haven't even touched. Like, Supportive.
Posted by Susan47 on March 18, 2005, at 9:34:13
In reply to Re: Poem for the weary » Susan47, posted by Toph on March 18, 2005, at 9:24:21
Being too hard on yourself is non-constructive. Try that for a mantra.
Posted by Susan47 on March 18, 2005, at 9:34:57
In reply to Re: Poem for the weary » Susan47, posted by Toph on March 18, 2005, at 9:24:21
Slap my face. I sound like my last therapist. He tried that on me too. It doesn't work, does it?
Posted by Toph on March 18, 2005, at 10:40:54
In reply to Re: Poem for the weary » Toph, posted by Susan47 on March 18, 2005, at 9:34:13
> Being too hard on yourself is non-constructive. Try that for a mantra.
Ooooommmmm is so much simpler.
Posted by Toph on June 18, 2008, at 10:08:34
In reply to Poem for the weary, posted by Toph on March 8, 2005, at 2:20:15
Pretty much the staus quo.
Posted by susan47 on July 10, 2008, at 17:56:31
In reply to Re: Poem for the weary » Susan47, posted by Toph on March 18, 2005, at 10:40:54
Right. Empty the mind, just empty the f*ck*ng bastard. And what happens then, in the world of real men and real women?
Posted by susan47 on July 10, 2008, at 17:58:19
In reply to Poem for the weary, posted by Toph on March 8, 2005, at 2:20:15
So f*ck*ng true, and the only thing that makes any of it better at all, is the m-f*ck*ng-j f*ck my soul, oh Lord see how my soul is f*ck*d.
Treatment center, here I come, baby.
F*ck me.
Posted by susan47 on July 10, 2008, at 18:14:59
In reply to Re: Poem for the weary » Toph, posted by susan47 on July 10, 2008, at 17:58:19
I am so f*ck*d, so f*ck*d am I, my mind cannot simply CANNOT feel f*ck*ng good unless it's Ohhhh so triggered, so triggered by a substance and I HATE that .. what about that synthetic cocaine, "Warning: Psychiatry Can Be Hazardous to Your Mental Health" ... what about if I've never even had the opportunity to try that, a real script med, because the doctors would rather see me fry myself into oblivion with the f*ck*ng dope, than be honest about it, and say "We don't know why anything works, we're sold a bill of goods by the pharmaceuticals, who pretty much run the world, baby, as you and I know it here in the "First World" .. hah. First World, my *ss. I'm a doctor who comes to you without knowing everything, I come to you and I know you are my patient, and perhaps you've read a f*ck*ng thing or two, baby, and perhaps you know about Therapy, and why it isn't given the way it should be, why psychiatrists are sold a f*ck*ng bill of goods by educators who are also bought by the big pharmaceuticals, and oh by the way, when my wife had our child we got free formula for years ... because N*s*l*e, or *%% (substitute the name of any company selling baby formula, honey, it doesn't matter.... does it?) wants to sell a lot of baby formula, or canned milk, oh yes, canned milk was good before we knew anything else... and I get free samples of all kinds of drugs, honey ... but education, I'm a little short on my reading in the field of mental health, lately, because I'm too busy with my own life, thank you very much, I have to have a life as well, and if I pass you onto this psychiatrist now, who will see you once a month for half an hour or so, and make sure you're taking the meds he prescribes you (oh and by the way his psychiatry does NOT consist of therapy beyond a simple question and answer session ... you f*ck*ng *ssh*l*, how I despise what you do to yourself and your patients .. I've seen you on the street, Dr. X, and I see how you look like a deer in the f*ck*ng headlights, there on the street, scared f*ck*ng sh*tl*ss of your own death you counsel others into mental agony as well, not away from it. You cannot get away from your own mental agony enough to see Happiness other than in your f*ck*ng paycheque, your $$ and your boat tell you more about your standing in the world than your own heart. Your own humanity has gone unfathomed and so you prescribe me a little f*ck*ng beige and green pill, and this, THIS is the answer to my prayers. And you had the gall to tell me you were more concerned about my marihuana smoking than any alcohol consumption I might have. You prescribe pills yet your are ignorant of drugs, and their effect, their real and true effect, on the soul of your "patient"."
Gut you will never hear those words from any GP, nor because they are trained to have a well-balanced life, one that does not include disease and disorder through unhappiness.
Self-fulfillment.
Did I happen to mention that Prozac acts like an AM-F*CK*NG-PHETAMINE on the brain???? Did I mention that my sweet, lovely little oh-so-harmless GP Dr. R had me up to 80 mg daily, knowing, f*ck*ng KNOWING that I was smoking mj .. but it was the way to keep me from killing myself .. but she should have known, and she either did not, so truly Ignorant ... or didn't care enough to know the truth, to read enough books, to open her mind enough to encompass another reality FOR THE GOOD OF HER PATIENTS ... for the good of me.
I wasn't worth it.
But I am.
I am worth it.
I am.
Posted by susan47 on July 10, 2008, at 22:53:02
In reply to (Rant - but Well Justified) » susan47, posted by susan47 on July 10, 2008, at 18:14:59
Posting without proofing, without reading it ... my psychiatrist actually said, something like this "I'd be more concerned about your alcohol consumption than your marihuana smoking, actually" .... but what does it matter, does it matter that he wasn't concerned about my mj habit, does this matter at all? Does it matter that my ex-T never told me I couldn't see him if I'd toked, and I told him I toked before I came, and he was tongue-tied. Tongue-f*ck*ng-tied, yes, did not say a bloody word about it. In fact, seemed interested in the special effects I shared with him .. and this is not his fault, either, as he is human, a human being with curiosity I suppose, some desire to understand or empathize with an experience ... perhaps one he shared, perhaps not ... psychs can be sick, as well, and share symptoms with their "patients" .. God, how I love that terminology, it's almost funny .. because they too are someone's patient, aren't they, then? Unless they don't believe in their own medicine. If they do, they're hooped, as hooped as those they "treat".
I want to explain myself because what I have written is so disordered, there are typos and things not correctly expressed .. like boats, what is boats about? It's about status, that's all. but S47 loves boats, and thinks sailors are sexy, so that's why boats, she could've said Mercedes or how many times a week the good doctor golfs; whatever has meaning, use it, baby. And is it the doctor's fault if his education is psycho-pharmaceutical in nature, is it his fault that his life's work is based on a trend in psychiatry, in mental health, and the system supports him totally, that private insurers prefer prescriptions to therapy as Rx's are much more cost-effective .. do you have stock in these companies, Phil? Mutual funds? Is that a blue-chip stock, honey? What is your RRSP worth these days? What is your Health worth, what is your mental status worth to you, to the world; yesterday I rode into town on my bicycle and passed people like me sleeping by the railway tracks at the bridge, dirty and sick and needing human love and finding only illness and pain and misunderstanding? Too much pain to live in the world in any one place, too much pain to bear to the office, to any home ... too much sickness in the holes in the brain, that warm three-pound mass living inside my skull, and yours ... here lies agony.
And what is disease and disorder through unhappiness? Unhappiness causes symptoms of mental illness, including hallucinations (a symptom of schizophrenia, one I had at five .. the symptom, the waking dream, the elves ... unhappiness causes this, and of course it is true. Of course it is. Doctors are afraid of being unhappy, especially when this stage of life comes on, the fear of death gets really strong, I have it on me and I have to let go, just let it go, and remember to live like this is everything, because it might be.
More than likely, most people would say.
I don't know, though.
I just don't know about that.
What is Everything?
(laughing) God, I charge all over the place.
All over the place, my counsellor had a hard time keeping up with me, and I was Not Under the Influence at the time, so it Is me.
Posted by Toph on July 15, 2008, at 16:18:16
In reply to (sigh) A mess, posted by susan47 on July 10, 2008, at 22:53:02
The thoughts are a little fast for me Susan but I must say we shouldn't blame Phil the Pill completely for all our problems. We got kinda f*ck*d up ourselves and just can't find the firm hand that can pull us out of all this sh*t.
Posted by susan47 on July 18, 2008, at 20:18:43
In reply to Re: » susan47, posted by Toph on July 15, 2008, at 16:18:16
Yes, we can pull ourselves out of this, I am the hand that I seek. In the dark, baby, in the dark, in the pain of living, of dying, of dying to the one I love, my therapist's hand was the hand of doom, diving down and plucking out my heart and then eating it and swallowing ... in Liberia, the most terrible crimes have been committed, crimes against humanity, crimes against the globe, crimes against Earth, our Home, crimes against our true nature, which should be Love.
Love me.
Love me.
Love me.
Posted by susan47 on August 4, 2008, at 11:01:51
In reply to F*ck, Yes We F*ck*ng Can, Phil » Toph, posted by susan47 on July 18, 2008, at 20:18:43
To love someone else, to love to really be able to love oneself, and life and living, itself ... paraphrasing from "The Path to Love" three principles given .. you cannot receive more love than you're prepared to receive, or give more love than you have to give .. and the love reflected from another has its source in your own heart .... and it is up to me to bring my whole being to love, so that "the balm of love" flows ... and that is what I've been seeking, the balm of love.
Making myself loving. Overcoming ego and just being love.
It's so challenging, hurtful, painful, to do, at first. It feels awful. But it can be done, it can, it has to.
Posted by susan47 on August 4, 2008, at 11:10:32
In reply to To love, posted by susan47 on August 4, 2008, at 11:01:51
Posted by Partlycloudy on August 4, 2008, at 12:05:56
In reply to Incorrect book link above, posted by susan47 on August 4, 2008, at 11:10:32
I wish that Deepak Chopra's writings resonated with me. I feel like I'm left out in the cold where his wisdom is concerned. (Same with Ekhardt Tolle, or whatever his name his, Oprah's latest book love fest guy.)
Now and then I find someone whose words I can read and say to myself - Yes - I Get This. But all too often, I am left feeling quite not up to the task. Inferior. I'm kind of stuck on Byron Katie, who has got me through some dark times. She has a new book coming out in October.
(I always read your posts, Susan.)
Posted by susan47 on August 12, 2008, at 20:15:41
In reply to Re: Incorrect book link above, posted by Partlycloudy on August 4, 2008, at 12:05:56
I love that you read my posts, I feel so happy that you do that. And it's such a huge Responsibility, to put yourself out here, Out Here, in Babbleland, which is really the World, it's the internal world, the one inside which we really dwell.
"The God of Small Things" by Arundhati Roy. The book that finally got to my brain, that finally got me Reading for Pleasure again, Partly Cloudy .. no, not true. "Tamarind Mem" by Anita Rau Badami started the trend .. but then, I've been to India, and some of my best friends in time have been Indian, and my brain was so happy .. the writing in Roy's book is architectural in its' beauty and structure .. no surprise that she is an architect by education ... PC, how are you, are you still here, are you there, where are you, Partly Cloudy? How are your days, I hope they're filled with sunshine soon, that the bulb in your brain is Turned On .. whatever it takes, whatever it takes ... happiness is only a thought away, and whatever it takes to have that thought, is what you Must Do.
Posted by susan47 on August 12, 2008, at 20:21:41
In reply to Re: Incorrect book link above, posted by Partlycloudy on August 4, 2008, at 12:05:56
Partly Cloudy, can you post a link to one of this author's books? Byron Katie? What type of writing?
Posted by Partlycloudy on August 13, 2008, at 9:21:08
In reply to Re: Incorrect book link above » Partlycloudy, posted by susan47 on August 12, 2008, at 20:21:41
> Partly Cloudy, can you post a link to one of this author's books? Byron Katie? What type of writing?
Hi there, Susan. First, here's a link to one of Byron Katie's books: "Loving What Is", which my therapist and I have been working with for over a year now after I had read and absorbed it. Her website has quite a few YouTube videos of "The Work", as it's called, put into practice.
As for how I'm doing - well, changing my name back to PartlyCloudy from ClearSkies might seem like a little bit of administrative hemming and hawing on my part, but I'm really not as well as I've been in the past. Have some major life stressors (well, major to ME) that I've been dealing with this year, and recently it all felt like it came to a critical mass with me. I became more depressed and much more anxious; my appetite dropped off, and it took me a while to bring this issues to the attentions of my pdoc and then my therapist. Who was glad that I hadn't fired her (because she didn't pick up on the angst I was feeling, nor the weight loss). But we all know how well we can cover up our illnesses, and I was pretty determined for a long time to keep showing outward progress, even as I was crumbling within.
I tried to leave Babble, and found that I didn't really want to. I'm too interested in and concerned about my fellow Babblers to be able to walk away right now.
But everything, lately, feels like a defeat to me. Changing my name back to a less sunny weather report. Returning to Babble when I had decided it was time for me to leave. Going away for a few days with a friend, which should have felt like the good thing for myself that it was, felt instead like I was trying to run away from home and my inconsequential problems.
So that's me right now.
Posted by susan47 on August 17, 2008, at 20:01:33
In reply to Re: Incorrect book link above » susan47, posted by Partlycloudy on August 13, 2008, at 9:21:08
> Hi there, Susan. First, here's a link to one of Byron Katie's books: "Loving What Is", which my therapist and I have been working with for over a year now after I had read and absorbed it. Her website has quite a few YouTube videos of "The Work", as it's called, put into practice.
>
I'm glad you changed back to PC, if that is what you're feeling. I'm glad you can express that feeling, and maybe that's why you come back here, why you came back this time, and Don't Feel Bad about doing that, Crumbling. I have a family portrait taken in the days when I was "crumbing within" and you can't tell by the picture that what was going to happen actually did happen. How bad it got, you'd never know how bad things got, how bad it can still get, sometimes ... from the pictures. Even these pictures taken this day don't show the agony of a mind turned on itself ... but I went to the link you posted and I will have to read this work too.
I've been involved in something called Journeywork, bringing me to things so I can forgive the past and be healed in the present ... I want that so much, I'm sick of feeling bad. But Arundhati Roy was definitely a writer who is helping to bring me back, that and other books I am finally picking up, "The Perfect Circle", in the English translation, has some errors but is still worthwhile reading, exactly in this vein, the vein of loving "What Is" ... written from a traveller's perspective .. and I feel like a traveller lately. I have certainly done a fair amount of travelling this last little while ... and a wonderful thing, too. I'm home today but within a couple of days I can see myself disappearing again, this time walk-in camping alone, where the bears are ... I need to Live.
>
....> But everything, lately, feels like a defeat to me. Changing my name back to a less sunny weather report. Returning to Babble when I had decided it was time for me to leave. Going away for a few days with a friend, which should have felt like the good thing for myself that it was, felt instead like I was trying to run away from home and my inconsequential problems.
>
> So that's me right now.
>
>
Do whatever it takes to find out what makes you happy and start with telling yourself You Deserve to Feel Good. You do, too. You deserve to feel happy, you deserve to feel good, and you do whatever it takes.
And thank you for caring about people on Babble. I'm one of the people on Babble and if it weren't for my Babble friends over the last few years when I was hurting and suicidal, I wouldn't be here, I'd be rotten in the ground, or ashes somewhere, I wouldn't be here loving my kids.
Thanks, PC, thanks for being here.
Susan
Posted by susan47 on August 21, 2008, at 15:21:29
In reply to Re: Incorrect book link above, posted by susan47 on August 17, 2008, at 20:01:33
"The Perfect Circle" by Pascale Quiviger. It had quite a few transporting moments, and re-reading Arundhati Roy's work of fiction yet again, a perfect book re-read is more than double the pleasure, and I've only just discovered re-reading. The desire to experience something more deeply is something just born in me lately. Probably because I'm learning the experience life. My tolerance level is up at the moment. I'm enjoying some things, new things, things I'd forgotten about too.
"Loving What Is" .. a book I may get to, but I am so overdone on self-help, I just regurgitate and forget to live.
I want to fall in love with life, again.
Posted by susan47 on August 21, 2008, at 15:22:57
In reply to Re: Incorrect book link above Yet Again, posted by susan47 on August 21, 2008, at 15:21:29
Why does the blasted incorrect book always come up?
Pascale Quiviger. "The Perfect Circle"
Posted by susan47 on August 23, 2008, at 11:35:07
In reply to Re: Incorrect book link above, posted by susan47 on August 17, 2008, at 20:01:33
Never, I'd be ashes rather than liquefying putrefying in a satin prison no thank you No! think of all the poor souls buried by mistake, Mistake I tell you it was a Mistake I'm not really dead! Not dead, I'm not dead yet.
Were it not for people with good hearts and souls, present souls, I wouldn't be here to Live This Moment. live it now, damn it Susan, damn you come back, find a Shaman, find a Shaman and get your soul parts back.Is there anybody out there who knows a Shaman? I know where to find him, I know and I will find a Shaman, and the drum, and I will find my own drum also.
Find the call of my spirit.
Find it.
Go, Susan.
Posted by susan47 on August 24, 2008, at 15:30:01
In reply to Rotten in the Ground, posted by susan47 on August 23, 2008, at 11:35:07
The abandonment of fear.
Please, God, let me abandon fear the way I've abandoned my own soul, the way my soul has abandoned me, the way my loved ones have abandoned me in my mind, in my mind everything is encompassing grey-ness.
Please, God, let me live through this.
Please don't let me die in fear.
Not like this.
Please.
This is the end of the thread.
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