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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by susan47 on March 26, 2008, at 15:55:49
You are loved, little one, so very very much. I want you to understand how deeply I love you, I want you to feel it with all your heart and soul and being, how the essence of you, of who you are, is loved completely by your mother. So much pain in our relationship, so much pain in the love we feel for each other, how many disappointments in myself. I can never ask for your forgiveness enough. There is nothing I can do to take back the past.
I can see, in the photos I have, of you with Santa .. you were the most beautiful little girl in the Universe. I wish you could spend just a little time with the little girl that you were, so that you could love her as much as I do, so you could see how great you really are .. You were, and you are .. absolute Sunshine in my life. There is nothing more precious than you are. There is no one who deserves more love and abundance in her life, than you. I pray for you to have an easy life. I pray for you to realize yourself Now. I pray for you to be in touch with the most magnificent essence of yourself, of who you are. Pure Love, that is what you truly are. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. I wish you could see yourself the way others see you too, because you would see how proud you should be to have all the gifts that you do. And use them, my sweet darling perfect daughter. Use your gifts well. Raise your voice to the heavens with the love you carry for yourself, for the love that I carry for you, and always, always will. My love for you will never falter, and I wish you were not so afraid to accept it, I wish you were unafraid to really, truly love yourself.
You're Magnificent.
Hold your head high and be proud, damn it.
I love you so much.
You are my daughter, and you are just
so
Incredibly
Beautiful
and
Perfect.
I am so proud of you, I am so proud and pleased that you're my baby girl.
And know this.
I will always take care of you.
And I will take care of myself also, so I can be there when and if you should ever need me.
You need me now.
But you'd never admit it.
I'm going to be strong, because I really AM strong. I really am. In my heart, in my soul, I know I have strength that neither you nor I have ever seen.
I love you.
I miss the little you.
God, honey, how I crave the feel of your baby arms around me, the sound of your baby voice, your sweetness, so I could do it all differently, so I would never have taught you how to be vicious, because I was vicious with your baby self, I lost my temper more than once, and I yelled at you, and I did things I regret, like lock you behind a closed door with a timer, because your temper was raging and you were tantruming, and I was afraid of your temper, I was afraid of you and it showed .. I did things that lots of mothers do, like yell and lost my temper, but they're things that aren't really ever forgotten by the soul of either mother or child. And the damage that seemingly forgotten little incidents can do, to a person's self, is just done. That's it.
It only takes a moment.
A flash.. an instant.
But the impression has been made, on a delicate little human brain, on the cells in your body, and mine.
I can see that in your pictures.
An uncertainty, the same one I had in my own baby pictures.But I hope and pray that I also gave you a feeling of love, of being loved and honoured and found to be very, very precious. Because above all, those were my feelings about you, and are today, and always will be.
And now that I know, I'll never forget how much I owe you, for being my child, my daughter, for growing inside me but yet separate from me, but also together, and the hormones that raged through me, the moods and feelings I had, also raged through your little body, and I wish I had given you more calm, and peace, and joy.
Damn it, I just didn't KNOW!
I didn't know.
There were things I did know,
and then there were the ones that I didn't.
But know that there was music, too. We listened to a lot of good music, in the beginning. I hope you know that, I hope you come back to it someday, and remember how much healing and peace there is in truly great music.
I love you, daughter of mine.
I'm so sorry I wasn't better at life, I'm sorry ... but you need to know that this all happened to me, too. It wasn't my choosing (or was it? Do any of us really know what life is for, or about .. where's the certainty in anything?) ... to be this way, the way I was.I am going to heal, and so are you.. I pray it's sooner, much sooner than I. Because you have help I never had. You have a mom who's Aware. And yes, I make mistakes and I sure made them, and I don't deny any of your pain.
You've earned it.
You're allowed to express it to me,
and I'm not allowed to make any excuses or denials.
You have a right to your pain.
But most of all, we need to love and forgive and understand each other.
Because nothing and no one will ever replace my daughter in my life. And nothing will replace me, in yours.
And I hope we learn the importance and the value of that bond, and Soon. It can never be Too soon, for me.
I'm changing.
I love you. You're beautiful, and perfect, and precious.
Posted by B2chica on March 27, 2008, at 10:40:22
In reply to For my Daughter, for C..I love you,, posted by susan47 on March 26, 2008, at 15:55:49
omg.
that's beautiful.
it's so many words that i want to say my little one as well.
thank you.
Posted by susan47 on March 27, 2008, at 13:26:33
In reply to Re: For my Daughter, for C..I love you,, posted by B2chica on March 27, 2008, at 10:40:22
I wish I knew more about structure in writing, I wish I could make it a nice little package of writing. But I don't know any of that stuff, I never learned it, and I'm afraid of work; the hardest work for me to do is to realize myself. So go on and what I write really could be said much better and edited and condensed and maybe it would sound better, read better, leave the reader feeling more. Because my intent is always to evoke the emotion I'm feeling, and get it out there. I want to heal, and I want to heal my family, and I don't want to lose hope, because my girl gets more mature and independent as the moments pass; and remembering how little and vulnerable they were, and I know how short this time is, how brief is any time in our lives when we look back upon it. It's a flicker, and in those flickers we have to establish a healthy self for our children. And if we miss too many opportunities to show examples of wholeness, our children may not grow to be whole either.
It hurts so much to admit this, that I have been a poor example of what a mother should be.
It hurts to have to say that I don't want my children to grow up to be like I am.
Depressive, and frightened of everything.
Drug-dependent.
Ashamed.
Regretful.
Struggling every day to make this moment better, somehow.
I just want peace, to be able to relax.
To know I have made a Good Difference in the world.
To know I am NOT a burden, as I am a burden to everyone.
I want to make that possible.
Every day I pray for strength to make it to the end.
It hurts to lose in life, it hurts to feel that loss.
But this wasn't about myself, it was about my daughter.
She doesn't have to have the same disadvantages. Even today my mother is unapproachable about the past, because she isn't living there anymore. She has been able to look back upon her life and see it as positive. I am still LIVING back in the past, I am still existing as a seven year-old child, and I don't know why, I don't know why my brain has to be this addled with junk.
I want rid of the junk.
I want to find the perfect person inside, waiting to be discovered. I want my children to know their own perfect state Now, so they can be happy and whole and healthy. Life is a gift; we need to make the most of it. Somehow my last 50 years have to add up, make a Whole person.
Please, God, let me be a Whole Person, let me feel my wholeness.
Please. I'm just begging you.
Posted by B2chica on March 28, 2008, at 7:57:27
In reply to Re: For my Daughter, for C..I love you, » B2chica, posted by susan47 on March 27, 2008, at 13:26:33
Posted by susan47 on April 30, 2008, at 19:35:20
In reply to you will susan....you will. (nm), posted by B2chica on March 28, 2008, at 7:57:27
Mind running from itself.
It
Self
it self
it
self itself
itself.
It Self.
Posted by susan47 on April 30, 2008, at 19:36:59
In reply to you will susan....you will. (nm), posted by B2chica on March 28, 2008, at 7:57:27
Mind running from itself.
It
Self
it self
it
self itself
itself.
It Self.
Posted by susan47 on May 1, 2008, at 18:31:30
In reply to AAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, posted by susan47 on April 30, 2008, at 19:36:59
If I had known about this I would never have been able to make it through .. that was borrowed just now from Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (how do you put umlauts over the u's?) (Not that anyone will answer, not that anyone ever does) but Dear Ex-Therapist, dear ex-physician to me, dear person I imagined myself to love, if only I had been able to love the dear ex-h that way, perhaps things would have been different ..
but if I had known the pain of Now, back then when I fell "in love with you" ... in love .. if I had known this, perhaps I wouldn't have made the same choices. But then, perhaps, if life is meant to make me grow, if what Life asks of me is bigger than my courage, perhaps my courage can grow into this. Perhaps I can grow into the space vacated by courage when I fell in Hopeless love, into hopeless, hope-less love, knowing the outcome would be this and none other, perhaps my life might have been different.
Last night, I attended a concert of Mozart, Beethoven, Salieri, with a philharmonic choir and I really was alive, those were Life Moments, and the concert was over so quickly, but I was transported in those magical moments, the ride on waves of infinite, beautiful sound, were so Healing, so very, very healing.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
"I now discover how wonderful I am. I choose to love and enjoy myself.
I now discover how wonderful I am. I choose to love and enjoy myself.
I now discover how wonderful I am. I choose to love and enjoy myself."
Posted by Susan47 on May 2, 2008, at 10:55:06
In reply to AAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, posted by susan47 on April 30, 2008, at 19:36:59
This stupid thing got posted twice by mistake, I'm sorry. I'm just looking for attention, anyway. So who knows, maybe I did it twice on purpose. I'm so sh*t-faced with mj these days I barely know my own name sometimes. Oh, god. God, why is this happening? Why am I f*ck*ng having to be me? Why do I keep doing the same thing over and over and over again, just to be able to feel? And why do I feel to empty anyway, even after the feeling is felt then I'm just empty, Empty again. Please fill me up, fill me with love and moment to moment awareness .. where I reside in dreams, please bring me there now, Now.
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
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