Posted by susan47 on March 27, 2008, at 13:26:33
In reply to Re: For my Daughter, for C..I love you,, posted by B2chica on March 27, 2008, at 10:40:22
I wish I knew more about structure in writing, I wish I could make it a nice little package of writing. But I don't know any of that stuff, I never learned it, and I'm afraid of work; the hardest work for me to do is to realize myself. So go on and what I write really could be said much better and edited and condensed and maybe it would sound better, read better, leave the reader feeling more. Because my intent is always to evoke the emotion I'm feeling, and get it out there. I want to heal, and I want to heal my family, and I don't want to lose hope, because my girl gets more mature and independent as the moments pass; and remembering how little and vulnerable they were, and I know how short this time is, how brief is any time in our lives when we look back upon it. It's a flicker, and in those flickers we have to establish a healthy self for our children. And if we miss too many opportunities to show examples of wholeness, our children may not grow to be whole either.
It hurts so much to admit this, that I have been a poor example of what a mother should be.
It hurts to have to say that I don't want my children to grow up to be like I am.
Depressive, and frightened of everything.
Drug-dependent.
Ashamed.
Regretful.
Struggling every day to make this moment better, somehow.
I just want peace, to be able to relax.
To know I have made a Good Difference in the world.
To know I am NOT a burden, as I am a burden to everyone.
I want to make that possible.
Every day I pray for strength to make it to the end.
It hurts to lose in life, it hurts to feel that loss.
But this wasn't about myself, it was about my daughter.
She doesn't have to have the same disadvantages. Even today my mother is unapproachable about the past, because she isn't living there anymore. She has been able to look back upon her life and see it as positive. I am still LIVING back in the past, I am still existing as a seven year-old child, and I don't know why, I don't know why my brain has to be this addled with junk.
I want rid of the junk.
I want to find the perfect person inside, waiting to be discovered. I want my children to know their own perfect state Now, so they can be happy and whole and healthy. Life is a gift; we need to make the most of it. Somehow my last 50 years have to add up, make a Whole person.
Please, God, let me be a Whole Person, let me feel my wholeness.
Please. I'm just begging you.
poster:susan47
thread:820009
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20071223/msgs/820158.html