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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by susan47 on January 20, 2008, at 12:35:02
Hey, little girl, daughter of mine. I know you come here now, you've told me you do. Your father should never have told you, and I should never have told him. Although I needed to, sweetheart. I needed someone to know I had a heart that was deep, and confused, and loving and needing.. all the things I think you have, also.
Your dad is not a very sensitive person when he's angry.
I suppose no one really is.
But he sometimes, in particular,
goes too far.
He hurts thinking it's funny.
It's never funny to hurt anyone,
to see their weak spots,
and poke them raw.Listen, honey, and I cannot call you by your name, here, and it would be nice to call you something. In fact I may never address you again here, because this is not a good place to be, really.
It's just a place I had to come to
when I was hurting,
like a wounded animal
I came to a place where I felt safe,
and I poured out my heart and all the things my mind came across.
You will find in your lifetime, also,
that things pour out of your mind that you did not think were possible.
You cannot believe you could put them there. And truly, honey, you did not.
The world pushes us in the face, sometimes,
and here is someting I just wanted to say to you...Rachel is another name I considered for you. A strong Jewess, although you have no Jewish blood in you that I know of, I suppose it is possible.
Because our family history is scattered, and unknown, and it's violent and sad and happy, I suppose there's happiness in there somewhere, although I haven't seen much of it.
And I'm really sorry for that.
I don't know if you understand what that can do, and I want you to be protected from it, although none of us is really protected from history. History sneaks into life in alcoholism, drug addiction, anger issues, depression .. and also in music, and art, and writing ... history still defines us although the new mantra in the world is that "The past has no effect on me" ... We work so hard in the world, right now, though, to overcome history.
Many do. It's why I have and need all my personal gurus, honey.
Now listen.
I'm strong, because every day I wake up not knowing if it's going to be worth it all, the bad feelings I live with so often.
And listen again, sweetie, because I want you to know how much you are loved, and how much you are wanted, and how lovely it is that sometimes you still crawl into my bed and sleep the night in sweet dreams besides me.
I love you.
You're my daughter.
I will always, Always be there for you, even though sometimes you and I fight like cats and dogs, and the yelling and the slamming feel good, don't they? ...but scary. Really, sometimes, it can be frightening and feel quite bad, when I'm not feeling strong. So I turn to things that make me feel temporarily stronger, so that I can handle the pain of the alone-ness I feel.
I never want that for you.
I see you are strong, beautiful, talented.
Angry.
Destructive.
And it's good
and scary.
Sometimes, it makes me cringe.
But I want you to know that I can handle it.
I will do whatever it takes, what I have to, to make sure you can Always fight without feeling you will destroy anyone.
I'm stronger than I knew.
When I was 13 I was angry too.
I hated my life.
My parents.
But instead of being allowed to be pissed
i took it out on myself
and look what happens.
Depression is a monkey on your back,
honey, that you Never want, and no one deserves.
And I will learn to get angry, too.
The angrier you become, the angrier I will become.
So don't let my anger frighten you, either.
You have to be strong too.
And we both, in the end, will have to learn
to love each other no matter what.
If we want to be Whole. I do.
Hmh.
Time to talk to my own mother, before it's too late.
Now ...
Daughter.
Keep this to yourself.
This is our secret.
Because I'm needing your respect.
I love you.
Posted by ClearSkies on January 21, 2008, at 13:51:44
In reply to Hello, posted by susan47 on January 20, 2008, at 12:35:02
I feel like I just listened in on a party line. Anybody remember those? Such loving words.
CS
Posted by zenhussy on January 23, 2008, at 18:14:13
In reply to Hello, posted by susan47 on January 20, 2008, at 12:35:02
we lack the words to express what reading this post of yours did for us.
your skill w/ expression in this particular format is intimidating.
anyone w/ a mother who cares enough to write such powerful things is lucky indeed.
kindly,
zh
Posted by susan47 on January 23, 2008, at 22:00:22
In reply to Re: Hello » susan47, posted by zenhussy on January 23, 2008, at 18:14:13
I have no training and no background and what you call skill, and intimidating, is only a pouring forth from someone's heart, in a state most would disapprove of, Zenhussy.
I don't know why but it seems like the deeper the feelings, the more important the message, the harder it is to excavate, the more of a price it exacts.
Why do you think it is this way?
Why can't it all be fluff and roses and pretty white clouds? I don't get it. I didn't want this, and the comfort you guys, you and clearskies and anybody that posts saying I've touched their heart in some way, is the most rewarding thing I could ever wish or hope for.
But do you know what? The fact that any of it resonates with anyone else, makes it all the more True, and Worthwhile.
Let's change the world; let's let ourselves free.
((((zenhussy))))
Posted by susan47 on January 23, 2008, at 22:07:10
In reply to Re: Hello, posted by ClearSkies on January 21, 2008, at 13:51:44
I guess it was a party line. A party line, a conversation with the world if one were naive enough to think the world listened.
What matters is who is different, touched or changed in a good way.
What really matters is the honesty in everything; the ability to connect with your heart.
If stuff I write in my journal didn't sound so pussy-*ss*d, I wouldn't come here to put it down.
But I need this like I need life's breath; sad, huh?
I have to go.
My 13 year-old angel just dropped and broke a wineglass in the kitchen, she is swearing at me and slamming doors now.
I hurt all over.
It isn't f*ck*ng fair.
BTW, she blames me for her swearing. She's probably right. (sigh)
Posted by karen_kay on January 24, 2008, at 16:56:32
In reply to Re: Hello » ClearSkies, posted by susan47 on January 23, 2008, at 22:07:10
i'm on mister kk's *ss all the time for his 'potty mouth.' but, to be honest, i swear jsut as much as he does. he's just kind enough (or smart enough) not to point that simple fact out to me, especially whiel i'm on his case. of course, i don't want duckie's first few words to be 'mother f*ck*r'... though, they seem to be some of my favorite words indeed.
you have no control over what your daughter says at this age though. it's one of those things 'do as i say, not as i do' and common respect in front of your parents.
my mother's favorite words are also the same as the ones that slip from my tongue in anger, desperation, and general conversation. however, growing up, i was smart enough not to mutter them in front of her :) not until i no longer lived in the same house as her. now, the swearing flows freely between us, as i've realized we are on common ground. at 13 though, no way woudl i try to be so brave! she'd have knocked that braveness out of me with a quickness (hey, not that i'm condoning it! i'm jsut saying she had a heavy fist, you know?)
take care susan. and don't worry about her swearing. as she gets older, it'll be a different story. those words will be saved for appropriate times (like when tripping, slipping, drinking and talking to her husband!!)
Posted by zenhussy on January 30, 2008, at 9:35:01
In reply to Re: Hello » zenhussy, posted by susan47 on January 23, 2008, at 22:00:22
>>>I have no training and no background and what you call skill, and intimidating, is only a pouring forth from someone's heart, in a state most would disapprove of, Zenhussy.<<<
that most would disapprove seems very sad...as it could be a positive way for them to see the beauty and raw truths in your expression here.
your training and background are your life....they seem more than adequate given the level of ability you show here. just try a local CC creative writing course....you'd blow those kids outta the water w/ your talents and life experiences. ;) just remembering some students when we first entered school who wowwed w/ their writings........takes life and some hard knocks usually to give one such a deep well to draw from. your well won't run dry.
>>>I don't know why but it seems like the deeper the feelings, the more important the message, the harder it is to excavate, the more of a price it exacts.
Why do you think it is this way?<<<because the things we bury deep are usually precious in some way. we most usually pay a price for attaining understanding of such important messages. the prices may be steep but the end result if that message is received and HEARD makes most prices worth it in long run...painful but worth it.
>>>Why can't it all be fluff and roses and pretty white clouds? I don't get it. I didn't want this, and the comfort you guys, you and clearskies and anybody that posts saying I've touched their heart in some way, is the most rewarding thing I could ever wish or hope for.<<<
if it were all fluff, roses, sunshine and pretty white clouds then we'd never be able to sppreciate the lovliness of such things w/o the contrast of heavy, dead, darkness and thunderclouds to show us the light to the dark......the good to the bad.......the better to the 'omg when will this suffering end'.
your words of expression here serve a purpose for you and that is most important. that your words touch many deeply in ways difficult to describe is merely some icing on your already rich and yummy cake.
>>>But do you know what? The fact that any of it resonates with anyone else, makes it all the more True, and Worthwhile.<<<
YOU and your writings are true and worthwhile no matter whether an audience responds to your work or not. that there is feedback can be a nice perk of a place like this.
>>>Let's change the world; let's let ourselves free.
((((zenhussy))))<<<you're already so much more free than you've been in ages Susan47.
our mother died suddenly/unexpectedly three months ago. there was the usual mother/daughter bs stuff but we had both been working hard on mending some deep wounds from decades ago.
your words here to your precious daughter resonated in such a way we're still stuck for words to describe how poignantly this letter of yours moved us.
(((Susan47))) never change the fighting spirit that has kept you going and keeps you going.
blessings,
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzenhussy......the zzzzzz for zzzzzzzzleeeeeeeeepy.
Posted by susan47 on January 30, 2008, at 11:32:15
In reply to Re: Hello » susan47, posted by zenhussy on January 30, 2008, at 9:35:01
Are you sleepy? Do you take naps and laze around? Are your cats asleep in your brain? I know those times. L-Tyrosine can wake up the cats. But I often need more than that, more than the physical whap, I need an emotional, creative juice to feel truly good. So it doesn't happen a lot, once a day isn't enough. Like, some people feel good just getting up in the morning, some people can take trips into the sun every winter, some people take several. A lot of people can't do that and it's hard, it's one of the worst winters I've ever experienced, and my feelings of self-worth don't make it easier. So Babble is my life-saver, and I don't like endorsing anything like this when I know there's people with paper behind it, PhD's and pride.
There's far, Far Too Much of that crap in our world.
I've been hurt by it, hurt by someone else's pride, someone else's feeling about himself, or lack of enthusiasm, or lack of self-confidence. Perhaps a simple lack of desire to Help.
It's okay.
I don't mind, really, I don't.
I mean, isn't that we're Expected to say, isn't that how we're supposed to feel after seeing and getting our therapy dose?
Dose.
A dose, let me tell you what a dose is.
I've avoided the Clap all my life but I couldn't avoid my ex-T.
And patients, patients are as bad as their therapists, it's why I had to run away from all the other boards.
A patient is the most fearful, needy, clingy piece of human work you could imagine.
Wrapped up in their T's self-identity.
So his identity better be strong.
It has to take quite an onslaught of emotion and he has to mirror way too much to be humanly healthy. He has to be able to stay on top of what's happening, intellectually, before he gets lost in other ways.
F*ck it.
F*ck the whole damn thing.
Sometimes I feel like a useless piece of work.
And being pedantic just f*ck*ng sucks.
So forget that crap.
Just forget the whole damn thing.
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Script revised: February 4, 2008
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