Posted by susan47 on January 20, 2008, at 12:35:02
Hey, little girl, daughter of mine. I know you come here now, you've told me you do. Your father should never have told you, and I should never have told him. Although I needed to, sweetheart. I needed someone to know I had a heart that was deep, and confused, and loving and needing.. all the things I think you have, also.
Your dad is not a very sensitive person when he's angry.
I suppose no one really is.
But he sometimes, in particular,
goes too far.
He hurts thinking it's funny.
It's never funny to hurt anyone,
to see their weak spots,
and poke them raw.Listen, honey, and I cannot call you by your name, here, and it would be nice to call you something. In fact I may never address you again here, because this is not a good place to be, really.
It's just a place I had to come to
when I was hurting,
like a wounded animal
I came to a place where I felt safe,
and I poured out my heart and all the things my mind came across.
You will find in your lifetime, also,
that things pour out of your mind that you did not think were possible.
You cannot believe you could put them there. And truly, honey, you did not.
The world pushes us in the face, sometimes,
and here is someting I just wanted to say to you...Rachel is another name I considered for you. A strong Jewess, although you have no Jewish blood in you that I know of, I suppose it is possible.
Because our family history is scattered, and unknown, and it's violent and sad and happy, I suppose there's happiness in there somewhere, although I haven't seen much of it.
And I'm really sorry for that.
I don't know if you understand what that can do, and I want you to be protected from it, although none of us is really protected from history. History sneaks into life in alcoholism, drug addiction, anger issues, depression .. and also in music, and art, and writing ... history still defines us although the new mantra in the world is that "The past has no effect on me" ... We work so hard in the world, right now, though, to overcome history.
Many do. It's why I have and need all my personal gurus, honey.
Now listen.
I'm strong, because every day I wake up not knowing if it's going to be worth it all, the bad feelings I live with so often.
And listen again, sweetie, because I want you to know how much you are loved, and how much you are wanted, and how lovely it is that sometimes you still crawl into my bed and sleep the night in sweet dreams besides me.
I love you.
You're my daughter.
I will always, Always be there for you, even though sometimes you and I fight like cats and dogs, and the yelling and the slamming feel good, don't they? ...but scary. Really, sometimes, it can be frightening and feel quite bad, when I'm not feeling strong. So I turn to things that make me feel temporarily stronger, so that I can handle the pain of the alone-ness I feel.
I never want that for you.
I see you are strong, beautiful, talented.
Angry.
Destructive.
And it's good
and scary.
Sometimes, it makes me cringe.
But I want you to know that I can handle it.
I will do whatever it takes, what I have to, to make sure you can Always fight without feeling you will destroy anyone.
I'm stronger than I knew.
When I was 13 I was angry too.
I hated my life.
My parents.
But instead of being allowed to be pissed
i took it out on myself
and look what happens.
Depression is a monkey on your back,
honey, that you Never want, and no one deserves.
And I will learn to get angry, too.
The angrier you become, the angrier I will become.
So don't let my anger frighten you, either.
You have to be strong too.
And we both, in the end, will have to learn
to love each other no matter what.
If we want to be Whole. I do.
Hmh.
Time to talk to my own mother, before it's too late.
Now ...
Daughter.
Keep this to yourself.
This is our secret.
Because I'm needing your respect.
I love you.
poster:susan47
thread:807925
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20071223/msgs/807925.html