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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by susan47 on August 6, 2006, at 18:33:11
There's nothing left anymore. No voice, no vision, no memory of a face, a smile, brown eyes .. that nose ... I loved his nose. And he had the most empathetic face I've ever seen on a person, and God, it was beautiful.
My pain. I can't allow it to kill me. It really wants to.
A big part of me wants to curl up, and die, just be gone from this, forever ... and it will be. The next time, will be forever.
I will be gone forever.
I want to go.
I don't want to stay, anymore.
Why is it like this?
Why is it, that little AIDS-orphaned African children can sit hungry in dirt, .. but no, no. They sniff rendered-down plastic coating from fish packages. It's a drug. It puts them to sleep. Sometimes they sleep for a day or more. They can be sodomized, then. And even killed. Please God, why does it have to be this way for those children? Why won't the world just change it? How do we change their pain? How do we change anybody's pain?
There's only one thing left sometimes, it's the final right of any person. To die by starvation is a right. It's the final say of any person, and so far at least, I do not believe my government is restraining people physically to force feed them against their will.
Oh god.
God.
Where are you?
Posted by linkadge on August 7, 2006, at 2:44:08
In reply to He's Gone, posted by susan47 on August 6, 2006, at 18:33:11
I can understand the guilt. If everbody felt it, maybe something would be done.
Linkadge
Posted by susan47 on August 8, 2006, at 19:22:09
In reply to Re: He's Gone, posted by linkadge on August 7, 2006, at 2:44:08
It's more than guilt, it's a terrible feeling of responsibility, responsibility that hasn't been met .. yet. Not yet. The road to there can only start from . here
Posted by Joan797 on August 9, 2006, at 6:33:27
In reply to He's Gone, posted by susan47 on August 6, 2006, at 18:33:11
When I feel this way, I bring out a picture. It's an addiction. I will never let myself NOT have something of his. I can't live through life not looking at his picture.
Posted by susan47 on August 14, 2006, at 1:53:30
In reply to Re: He's Gone » susan47, posted by Joan797 on August 9, 2006, at 6:33:27
Yes but that's idolization. Idolizing his image. See? Not the way to live. No. That just is sad, because the love behind the image is the only thing that ever mattered. When it isn't there and you're still looking for it in the image, you're not seeing what really Is there, In Real Life, there right there before you. Somewhere. Maybe you haven't met an actual person. But you don't need to. Because what's before you is You, you're the only one who can fill you up, but looking at his image .. well yes, that would remind one of the love you saw there, once, in his eyes.
Yes. I would do Anything, Anything Almost, Almost .. well okay, that's b*llshit I would not do Anything, only wish that he loves me one day, maybe even in Eternity, you know, like some kind of Infinite Love that we all need to feel part of... that is what I remember about Him.
And it sounds religious. And when I write with caps, like that, Him vs him, talking about my ex-t, who I was madly in love with, inlove .. well .. it really looks and sounds like a religious experience, does it not? Does it not?
Yes.
It does.
It was.
It was a f*cking religious experience,
Freud, was it Freud ? who said to his patient,
insisted, that she was in love with not him,
not himself, Freud, but in fact with the Almighty or some such nonsense, but really, in love with Life itself, with the Infinite, in love with ...
well ...
and he never saw her again,
because she'd insisited for years and years,
that it was Him she loved, Freud or whoever. Jung? Who? Who knows? Do you know? I can't remember but it was damn interesting. Interesting.
Almost as interesting as the story about Emma's nose. Emma. Poor, poor Emma.
Ah. But this one, this story here, not Emma's but this one, this is a story I lived myself so that gives it the ring of authenticity, the very tone of truth for me.
Oh dear.
Oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear. Dear me. Dear One.
How I love you still,
how I love to see you by surprise,
by surprise,
you're so bloody perfect, to me,
always will be you see,
you'll always be lovely to look at,
gorgeous to behold,
you can't be anything else but,
when you're looked at
with the eyes of love.
Yes.
Really.
It is Wonderful.
It's a miracle.
Love is a miracle.
Posted by Joan797 on August 15, 2006, at 6:41:43
In reply to Re: He's Gone, posted by susan47 on August 14, 2006, at 1:53:30
It's not about his picture. I don't idolize his picture, he's not even that great looking. But looking at his image keeps it fresh in my mind and prevents me from forgetting. It reminds me of his words of love. It reminds me of the countless hours we spent talking.
Okay, maybe it does idolize him and keeps the fire smoldering when it all reality it should be doused with a huge bucket of water.
Posted by susan47 on August 15, 2006, at 20:34:55
In reply to Re: He's Gone, posted by Joan797 on August 15, 2006, at 6:41:43
Well no, it shouldn't be doused at all, the fire needs to smoulder for Someone. Someday hopefully, it will smoulder for you, or you'll recognize that the fire is really all about you .. someone will show you again, someone will come along when you're ready, when you're falling in love again .. don't forget to fall in love with someone new. It's important. It doesn't have to last, it doesn't have to be on all levels and it doesn't have to be a lifetime commitment, but what it should always do, is reinforce your self-love.
And be easy to let go of.
Which is the toughest thing of all.
But making it easy, is like giving your pain permission to end.
And where would you Be, without your Pain?
Posted by Susan47 on September 24, 2006, at 0:26:12
In reply to Re: He's Gone, posted by susan47 on August 15, 2006, at 20:34:55
....without my pain?
It's defined me my entire life.
A lifetime of f*cking Pain.
I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Susan47 on October 11, 2006, at 23:25:00
In reply to Re: He's Gone » susan47, posted by Joan797 on August 9, 2006, at 6:33:27
For a picture of my ex-T, I would die. Yes. No. That makes no sense does it? But the picture of him that I held in my mind gets more and more difficult to bring back, to remember ...
I wish I'd snuck a camera into a session .. I did draw his face once but it was in a hurry during a session and I was talking and it wasn't very good .. and then I got sick of my silly mooning and I tore it up. A photo would be lovely, but painful .. because I can't have him. I never could, the whole thing was too fantastic, the fascination and the longings and the daydreams .. Wow. It was Fun. Mega-major-Fun. I LOVED it. It made me happy.
Does this sound strange to anyone? It doesn't seem strange to me at all.
Because loving someone in that way is totally exciting.
Oh, heavy heavy sigh.
Silly to love someone like that.
Really really silly.
Silly, silly me.
But anyone who's been deeply in love would definitely understand. You do, Joan.
Thanks for understanding, for being the same way.
This is the end of the thread.
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