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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Susan47 on November 5, 2005, at 18:35:23
Well first of all, his voice squeaked a bit when he said hello. Actually, it squeaked uncharacteristically. Quite a bit. So, big tip-off he's uncomfortable seeing me dressed this way. Which is what?
Well, innocent really. Any other woman could have been dressed the same way and probably caught his eye, she would've been interesting and depending on what type of person you are, you would've thought, oh wow or, ohmy god, or, mostly the reaction seems to be .. very nice. Niiice. Like that.
So anyway, mesh stockings, black sensible nursey but not too nurse, quite sexy leather three inch heels, black skirt fur coat. And hat, the hat is a necessity. Lost it and need to get a new one.. a good hat is not easy to find. In any case,
he squeaks.
And I'm, like, well excuuuuuse me, mister, who the hell do you think you are? You think I do this just for you? Nah-aaahh.
And he says, something to the effect that he's not able to help me, he's not my therapist, he's not able to be objective, he'll tell me why, yes definitely ... and the "why" never comes, and I'm thinking, he thinks this is Playtime, and yes, I'm making it playtime too, but I'm having fun and loving him sssoooo much and WHY CAN'T HE LOVE ME TOO??? I'm thinking, okay mister, you can't be my therapist so why the hell can't we have a little fun together? You know, shoot the breeze, look each other deep in the eyes, you know .. the stuff we did in "therapy".
Therapy.
Hah.
Posted by Susan47 on November 5, 2005, at 18:37:54
In reply to I can't be Objective, posted by Susan47 on November 5, 2005, at 18:35:23
And you know the thing is, is that he's so effing sexy himself, it's all I can do not to break down and throw him onto the couch myself. And I'm highly insulted that he's not even making a move to do that, becuase damn it all I ever wanted from the first time I laid on eyes on him, well maybe not the first or the second but perhaps the third, I don't know ... all I ever wanted to do was have him all over me and be all over him. Like mud on a pig, you know?
Posted by Susan47 on November 5, 2005, at 18:41:33
In reply to Re: I can't be Objective, posted by Susan47 on November 5, 2005, at 18:37:54
There you go. I've done it again, laid myself all out on the table, there for the taking, thank you Susan. Thank you that pleases my psycho self very much.
His ego has now been fed for another day.
Oh, yes.
Posted by alexandra_k on November 6, 2005, at 4:56:09
In reply to I can't be Objective, posted by Susan47 on November 5, 2005, at 18:35:23
(((Susan)))
uh. did you go see him or are you just writing.
Posted by Susan47 on November 9, 2005, at 23:58:22
In reply to Re: I can't be Objective » Susan47, posted by alexandra_k on November 6, 2005, at 4:56:09
This happened. Maybe not the same way as he remembers it, but it's the way I experienced it.
Which is okay, because he's a very attractive man and I wanted to make an impression. I made one. Period. End of story.
(sigh)
Posted by Susan47 on December 20, 2005, at 0:17:33
In reply to Re: I can't be Objective, posted by Susan47 on November 9, 2005, at 23:58:22
Did you ever read stuff and then go, oh I make no sense. I made no sense. Did I? Do you ever wonder where this stuff comes from? Is writing valuable, or is it a waste of time? I've never kept anything I've ever written, said or done and probably won't. Except my scrapbooks. But that's different, that's not a running monologue of your most intimate thoughts, whereas the other stuff turns out to be just that, that very thing.. intimate and uncensored even when I think I'm censoring. It all comes out, it all gets out there and sometimes it's so confused, that I wonder how I ever function at all with a mind as effed up as mine obviously is.
But I know one thing only. I was abandoned and needy, in desperate need and I wasn't helped by this man who played games with me and thought he was doing the right thing. Or maybe not, maybe he knew he wasn't but he didn't get help or maybe he did get help but it was all effed up, the help didn't know what it was doing either. Or maybe he's just so inadequate with certain people, like me, that he's triggered all over the place and can't function and second-guesses every thought he ever has about things until he's completely stricken and gets blind-sided by every exchange.
Or maybe, he just didn't care.
Maybe I just wasn't important enough for him to take an extra little step to help me, to explain to me that it was really his own inadequacy that was the problem, it had nothing to really do with me, and I shouldn't have felt unacceptable or humiliated or hurt, and that he would never break my confidence no matter how upset he felt, and that maybe he did get upset, and this is why, THIS particular thing was what upset him, ... but therapists aren't allowed that honesty. Are they? ARE THEY? Because I'm shouting here, and no one is listening, and I needed help and didn't get it from the one person, the very person who could have helped me backed down completely, and left me abandoned.
Posted by Susan47 on December 24, 2005, at 17:01:27
In reply to Re: I can't be Objective, posted by Susan47 on December 20, 2005, at 0:17:33
I don't particular really mind being "abandoned", what a big word. I mean it's okay, it's the way of human beings. It's what we do. It just hurts to know that I brought it on myself, somehow, by being me I did this, I made this thing happen, this man behave in this way, he did it because of me or maybe not.
Maybe he did it because that's just the way he is, and nothing you did or said or could have done would've made any difference. Maybe, in fact, you could've made things worse, by not having your own boundaries, Susan. Maybe you did okay, maybe even better than that, because maybe you woke a sleeping snake and blind-sided it with the fact of its own nature.
Or maybe you did nothing of the sort.
Maybe you just angered a sleeping Giant, a teeny tiny little giant of a man, well at least the ego part was Giant .. but that's not a bad thing, is it? Is it?
I mean, who doesn't know what it's like Not to operate on ego? It's just impossible, you'd have to have no knowledge of yourself. The more you think you know yourself, the bigger your ego naturally gets, but then maybe some of the unattractive things about our natures get involved, and maybe
none of this makes any sense.
Or maybe all of it does.
But the silence has become sickening. It's become malicious, and deadly.
This man was deadly to you Susan.
But you loved him so much, that was the really sad thing.
Why, why would you do this for someone who never deserved so much good from you? Why would you care so much, about an illusion that your mind created for you?
WHY???
Dammit.
This is the end of the thread.
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