Posted by Susan47 on December 20, 2005, at 0:17:33
In reply to Re: I can't be Objective, posted by Susan47 on November 9, 2005, at 23:58:22
Did you ever read stuff and then go, oh I make no sense. I made no sense. Did I? Do you ever wonder where this stuff comes from? Is writing valuable, or is it a waste of time? I've never kept anything I've ever written, said or done and probably won't. Except my scrapbooks. But that's different, that's not a running monologue of your most intimate thoughts, whereas the other stuff turns out to be just that, that very thing.. intimate and uncensored even when I think I'm censoring. It all comes out, it all gets out there and sometimes it's so confused, that I wonder how I ever function at all with a mind as effed up as mine obviously is.
But I know one thing only. I was abandoned and needy, in desperate need and I wasn't helped by this man who played games with me and thought he was doing the right thing. Or maybe not, maybe he knew he wasn't but he didn't get help or maybe he did get help but it was all effed up, the help didn't know what it was doing either. Or maybe he's just so inadequate with certain people, like me, that he's triggered all over the place and can't function and second-guesses every thought he ever has about things until he's completely stricken and gets blind-sided by every exchange.
Or maybe, he just didn't care.
Maybe I just wasn't important enough for him to take an extra little step to help me, to explain to me that it was really his own inadequacy that was the problem, it had nothing to really do with me, and I shouldn't have felt unacceptable or humiliated or hurt, and that he would never break my confidence no matter how upset he felt, and that maybe he did get upset, and this is why, THIS particular thing was what upset him, ... but therapists aren't allowed that honesty. Are they? ARE THEY? Because I'm shouting here, and no one is listening, and I needed help and didn't get it from the one person, the very person who could have helped me backed down completely, and left me abandoned.
poster:Susan47
thread:575724
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20051205/msgs/590571.html