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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alexandra_k on July 25, 2005, at 23:45:19
i do. not sure why. just sad and lethargic and tired. i need a break. i've been saying that for a while now. truth is i don't really get one. have lots of time where i don't do a hell of a lot but the fact that i should be doing this and that and the next thing is always right there. sigh. soooooooo tired. usually i manage to induce a state of panic. i either make it or i break it. have a breakdown or do really well. not so much so anymore. don't seem to be able to get so wound up about things anymore. so i don't do things so well as i used to. don't pressure myself. i do wonder sometimes... that if i don't watch it i won't be able to motivate myself to do things anymore. if i'll end up all bland and lifeless. no states of working... no states of having breakdowns either. i don't know. i just feel so tired.
just have to think...
that in general...
once it is done...
i'm so very pleased and it all seems to be worthwhile and i rediscover why the hell it is that i do this for. why the hell i do this again.at the moment i can't see it.
maybe i should take the rest of the day off...
2 days to go...and i can't tell how much the panic and the internal pressure helps anyrate. ive always been a last minute working to the deadline kind of person. if you have to write an essay you could start it a couple weeks before it is due... but then i tend to sit there and stare at the screen. agonise for a couple hours after that first sentence or two. write a flurry of pages... then begin again and again and again. end up with tracts of repetitive crap. but when there is a deadline looming then you can just sit down and get stuck in to it. so long as you have spend a couple weeks doing some reading and thinking about it. when you start to agonise over a sentance you can go STOPPIT! NO TIME FOR THAT! so you just move along... but when there isn't that edge of panic it doesn't seem to happen for me. i'm not sure how much that panic is necessary. i think about how some of the stuff i've agonised the most over is still pretty crappy at the end of the day. and some of the stuff that other people like the most was written fairly leisurely and relatively easily. maybe thats what makes it flow more. i dunno. i worry that without the worry i'll be nothing at all :-(
i do get scaired sometimes.
Posted by alexandra_k on July 25, 2005, at 23:51:06
In reply to sad sad i feel sad, posted by alexandra_k on July 25, 2005, at 23:45:19
im not sure what is up with me... i think a fair amount of it is guilt that i don't do more. sometimes thinking about how i should be doing stuff is almost enough to induce a tantrum. i just can't seem to face it sometimes. a lot of the time. lets face it. i do not do a hell of a lot. spend most of my time here... i think i am just a bit tired and feeling a bit stressed about this. before... before right about now i would be in a right state of panic. about whether i could do it in that amount of time. it needs a lot of work. how much work? hard to tell really... i think i might just take the night off. im probably going through mj withdrawal because i've been trying to be good and not wake up with a j hangover. a little bit bout now might be a good idea.
i really better not be here tomorrow.
:-)
Posted by cockeyed on July 26, 2005, at 2:56:33
In reply to sad sad i feel sad, posted by alexandra_k on July 25, 2005, at 23:45:19
hey, A.K, give me a break. I woke up this morning-1:oopm and your ruminations were crawling thru my mind. Like some sort of snake.
Got to get up, got to get out of bed, got to call the doctor, got to feed my head.
Why all the gottas. nobody's dead. That's course but guilt's just fine when it's playing with your head.
I'm disabled. B.S. I've said, till I try doing something I "should" do. And can't do it.
wind up in the hospital instead.
There's gotta be a place to shut up one's head. Like a time out corner.
Well mine's cheap vodka. And more guilt ahead; and since I've been a kid that's what works...and then comes the dread. "you're an al-coholic" Right. and I'm a prince when I'm sober instead. Because...well...I'll wax uncivil
I feel better loaded than being a complete sh*t-head.
So, I'm playing my games. I like the nite instead of the gd morning when I'm lost in bed.
Sometimes I think I'm guilty of nothing but too much guilt.
But I'm going to grab me a shot of vodka. And say the hell with it.
Lotsa help I am, but there's always so many sides, and I'm sick of the sober....so I'm gonna take a ride. cockeyed.
Posted by Damos on July 27, 2005, at 1:02:52
In reply to sad sad i feel sad, posted by alexandra_k on July 25, 2005, at 23:45:19
Oh Alex, you are so special and precious to me and it hurts me when you hurt. Right now I just want to wrap my arms around you and draw all your saddness and troubles into me and fill your heart and soul with peace and love and hope.
((((((((((Alex))))))))))
Posted by alexandra_k on July 27, 2005, at 5:39:30
In reply to Re: sad sad i feel sad » alexandra_k, posted by cockeyed on July 26, 2005, at 2:56:33
drugs are mine. i just can't get into the alchohol thing... i drink i puke i drink i puke and all the while im going WHY AREN'T I HIGHER????? it just doesn't seem to do it for me. drunk people are odd funny strange scairey when you are sober. they can be violent and ruminative and i feel scaired. but a lot of people feel that way about drugs. the person on p sitting in the corner huddling with the knife they are trying to kill me they are trying to kill me drive by the hospital open the door and roll 'em out couple days later and they're cured of their paranoid schizophrenia all cured in time for the next supply the next cook the next batch and onto another drug - ho! been to the meetings talking about god and the higher power is god and the higher power can be your bedpan that you keep under your bed to vomit into your higher power can be the infected needle that will give you aids or hep and thats supposed to be what keeps you clean. but it doesn't. cause you need to get high before you can confess your sins to a bedpan or a needle. before you can prey to your needle to forgive you your sins. you need to get high its compulsory. councellors tell you are a liar because you won't look them in the face and its the mj the mj supply that keeps you sane in drug treatment. and urine tests the next day could't they have waited for the 2 ounces we were getting brought in? after the detox after the 3 week tag the mj worked a treat. and it still does. better than the benzos better than the footies and the 4 doubles cause you have to drink with benzos its compulsory they should pass a law.
but somehow...
somehow...
i found something else to live for
and now its recreation emergency medication
but i don't know why
i dont know why
half my sources have dried up.
and im ok with that im ok
Posted by alexandra_k on July 27, 2005, at 5:43:05
In reply to Re: sad sad i feel sad » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on July 27, 2005, at 1:02:52
:-)
thank you. im okay. just tired. verrrrry tired. it will be over before i know it and ill take the whole next day to chill and get high and babble (not in that order).then... my next deadline - but i won't worry bout that just yet.
Posted by smokeymadison on July 27, 2005, at 15:51:18
In reply to Re: sad sad i feel sad, posted by alexandra_k on July 27, 2005, at 5:43:05
glad you are feeling better. my deadlines for my newspaper are every Tues. last Mon i put in 12 hours when i should have only taken me maybe 6. don't know what was the holdup--some writer's block/short attention span i guess. anyway, i feel the pain, believe me.
can't wait till you get free to babble!
SM
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