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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2chica on July 18, 2005, at 12:37:16
i'm leaving here today
they took away my pride
my heart is in my hand
and beats only as it cani want for the quickest end
but hope i suffer too.my family can't handle much more
niether can ii'm ready to go
let me run
run to the freedom i need
the freedom i can't remember i ever hadi want to be the four year old in that picture of smiles.
i don't remember being her
i don't remember not hating myself
i don't remember not being sexual
i don't remember innocence.innocence: a freedom from guilt or sin through being unacquainted with evil
i think i had it once.
i want it back.
i want it back.
Posted by sleepygirl on July 20, 2005, at 0:16:46
In reply to i want it back, posted by B2chica on July 18, 2005, at 12:37:16
Take good care of that little girl. She's still there, and you are the only one who can help her now (with help of course). No endings right? maybe a beginning?
Posted by cockeyed on July 20, 2005, at 1:54:19
In reply to i want it back, posted by B2chica on July 18, 2005, at 12:37:16
hi, I have a nerve saying this but you don't know from "evil" Is being sexual cruel, is living life a thing of the devil? Why look back, it's just been and gone. And why be so "evil" on your self. It hurt to read your poem 'cause in many ways I'm back...I'm 4 and I can still feel the hate. There's a world out there, maybe it's not great. But don't hurt yourself, anymore than they hurt you. I know I sound like a fool but that's what they do. "For your own good...what will the nabors think?" Lord, here I go...But learn to value that kid of 4, hey, it's still you. Maybe you'll have to work at getting it back, but not looking backwards. I'll be honest things were all sweetness and light when I was four, but I lived in hell. Nothing to go backwards for. Cockeyed.
Posted by B2chica on July 22, 2005, at 10:14:59
In reply to Re: i want it back, posted by cockeyed on July 20, 2005, at 1:54:19
it was actually just a writing to my feelings. trying to open up some more.
a while ago when i was trying to kill myself, i worked on some memories and realized it wasn't me i wanted to kill it was that little girl. it was her fault, she was stupid, useless, cowardly and vulnerable. HER FALUT HER FAULT is what echoed in my head.
i was looking through some pictures of my childhood and i found a picture of myself BEFORE any of the sexual/painful stuff happened. it was when i was four (before me moved.) and she was SO happy, she was laughing and smiling up at the sky. such serenity, such beauty.
THAT's what i want again. it was when me moved that all the bad stuff started to happen.the evil part. i looked up innocence in the dictionary and that was the definition. that's why i put it in there. i;ve felt the evil in people ever since i can remember. someone on this board once said that children that are abused have a better sense of feeling out if someone is of danger or not.
i'm getting closer to seeing what happend to me as just part of my life and learn to get on but i just can't yet. and believe me i wouldn't look back if these F-ing flashbacks wouldn't keep popping into my head.
i like what you said about "But don't hurt yourself, anymore than they hurt you."
perfect words and timing.
thanks for the comments cockeyed.
b2c.
This is the end of the thread.
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