Posted by B2chica on July 22, 2005, at 10:14:59
In reply to Re: i want it back, posted by cockeyed on July 20, 2005, at 1:54:19
it was actually just a writing to my feelings. trying to open up some more.
a while ago when i was trying to kill myself, i worked on some memories and realized it wasn't me i wanted to kill it was that little girl. it was her fault, she was stupid, useless, cowardly and vulnerable. HER FALUT HER FAULT is what echoed in my head.
i was looking through some pictures of my childhood and i found a picture of myself BEFORE any of the sexual/painful stuff happened. it was when i was four (before me moved.) and she was SO happy, she was laughing and smiling up at the sky. such serenity, such beauty.
THAT's what i want again. it was when me moved that all the bad stuff started to happen.the evil part. i looked up innocence in the dictionary and that was the definition. that's why i put it in there. i;ve felt the evil in people ever since i can remember. someone on this board once said that children that are abused have a better sense of feeling out if someone is of danger or not.
i'm getting closer to seeing what happend to me as just part of my life and learn to get on but i just can't yet. and believe me i wouldn't look back if these F-ing flashbacks wouldn't keep popping into my head.
i like what you said about "But don't hurt yourself, anymore than they hurt you."
perfect words and timing.
thanks for the comments cockeyed.
b2c.
poster:B2chica
thread:529531
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20050621/msgs/531496.html