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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Susan47 on April 5, 2005, at 14:32:21
That was the statement.
Then, the question.
Is it because they are unbearable?
Perhaps.
Unbearable to whom? Myself?
Perhaps.
Why? Was I unacceptable?
At times.
Was it difficult?
Yes.
It was difficult for me, too.
I know.
I hurt.
I know.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 6, 2005, at 2:11:06
In reply to There are Some Things I cannot ever tell you, posted by Susan47 on April 5, 2005, at 14:32:21
((((Susan))))
There are some things I don't think I will ever be able to tell anyone either.
But who knows... Maybe one day.
I know that if you do take a risk with something like that and it is well recieved then it has an amazingly liberating effect. One feels so very much lighter. Less shameful. Less guilty.
But if it weren't to be well recived...
Well. That is the risk I suppose.Oh Susan.
I do hope that you get better.
That you come to feel happier more often.
That you come to find peace.
You deserve it so much.
I wish nobody ever had to hurt.
Posted by sunny10 on April 6, 2005, at 11:34:18
In reply to Re: There are Some Things I cannot ever tell you, posted by alexandra_k on April 6, 2005, at 2:11:06
remember to logically ask yourself WHY he can "never tell"...
Don't ask your fear, ask your logical mind...
Posted by Susan47 on April 6, 2005, at 14:25:01
In reply to Re: There are Some Things I cannot ever tell you, posted by alexandra_k on April 6, 2005, at 2:11:06
Thank you.
I myself am fine. ;)
Posted by Susan47 on April 6, 2005, at 14:26:33
In reply to Re: There are Some Things I cannot ever tell you, posted by sunny10 on April 6, 2005, at 11:34:18
Fear.
Of breaking someone's dream.
And I don't blame him.
Because to be truthful
can sometimes hurt others.
And it isn't right to lie.
And lying would be harmful
to self, in the end.
So no matter what you do,
you can never win.
Only being at peace within yourself.
Just... Being.
Posted by Susan47 on April 6, 2005, at 14:33:12
In reply to Re: There are Some Things I cannot ever tell you, posted by sunny10 on April 6, 2005, at 11:34:18
It hurts so much thinking I was a nuisance, all this time this very very long time that I was in agony, agonizing, and now I'm a nuisance, I've been reduced ...
.... reduced ... the reduction
Reduction
The word itself
is an oxymoron.
Like me.
Posted by sunny10 on April 13, 2005, at 10:42:48
In reply to Re: There are Some Things I cannot ever tell you, posted by Susan47 on April 6, 2005, at 14:33:12
as my SO has not shown the littlest shred of remorse about anything- not even the relationship ending without admitting that he was unacceptably violent by strangling me- I can honestly say that I feel that last post very intensely.
I am entirely replaceable. I am entirely unloveable. I am entirely stupid for ever believing there was a hope for "us". I am entirely stupid for thinking that there is anything good at all in store for my future. I am too damaged, too broken, and no one wants to have to deal with that- not even me.
I know I promised to call you- I hope that you understand that I am trying very hard to communicate this way... today, I cannot speak without my voice breaking and bursting into tears.
I have to be able to at least pretend to work...
Posted by Susan47 on April 27, 2005, at 13:07:38
In reply to Re: There are Some Things I cannot ever tell you, posted by sunny10 on April 13, 2005, at 10:42:48
I cannot believe I let you get away with saying those untrue things about yourself, Sunny. I was in such a funk I wasn't paying true attention, and I'm sorry. Because you know that none of it is true and you can't allow yourself to be reduced by another person. It's like a death while you're alive. Death itself is kinder than the feeling of being nothing, I hope you never go there again. Don't let Anyone do that to you ever again. You're worthy and worthwhile and lovable and good.
Posted by sunny10 on April 28, 2005, at 11:27:04
In reply to Re: There are Some Things I cannot ever tell you » sunny10, posted by Susan47 on April 27, 2005, at 13:07:38
now that enough time has passed, I found out that he was just so ashamed with himself that he ws incapable of making apologies. He was mortified to learn that he is capable of losing control like he did.
It took some more "business" conversations before he realized how much he was hurting me by acting like that. The last time he was afraid to talk about his feelings, he did the "business talking" again, but this time it only took him fifteen minutes to realize that he said, "well, I'll call you when I hear from the rental agent" when he MEANT "I miss you so much that it hurts to talk to you, so I revert to talking about the house instead of telling you how much I miss you. I'm sorry, that must have really confused you."
Since then, we have had conversations about communication skills and saying what we feel instead of bottling hurt feelings up until they manifest as anger. He admits he does this. We also talked about how we moved in so quickly together because it made "financial sense", but that we probably rushed into it before we were truly ready for it and how it turned into us taking each other for granted.
I have not entirely let down my guard, Suze. I know that there is often a "honeymoon period" involved with an ongoing violent relationship and I am resolved to use my logic more than my emotions right now because if he is truly violent, it will start coming out again; starting with arguments and escalating. I am watching his body language a lot while we're having these conversations, et cetera. I refuse to become a statistic if this DOES turn out to be a "honeymoon period" and not steps toward improving the relationship.
But thanks for always being there with support and downright nagging when I've needed it- 'cause we do sometimes need it!
hugs and kisses to BC,
sunny10
Posted by Susan47 on April 28, 2005, at 15:20:16
In reply to Re: Thankfully they WERE all untrue » Susan47, posted by sunny10 on April 28, 2005, at 11:27:04
You know a lot more about relationships than I ever did. Scary, huh?
Posted by sunny10 on April 29, 2005, at 9:17:11
In reply to Re: Thankfully they WERE all untrue » sunny10, posted by Susan47 on April 28, 2005, at 15:20:16
isn't it possible that you know these things, too, but know that if you use the logic you'll have to let go of "the love" ?
It is scary to let go of love, but as they say, "sometimes love just ain't enough"....
I love you, if that helps in some teeny-tiny way at all... yes, I know, it's not the same, but the love you felt is not the love you want and need anyway, it was a substitute in itself...
mmmmmwwwwwaaaaahhhhh,
sunny10
Posted by dove on April 29, 2005, at 11:04:33
In reply to Re: BUT... » Susan47, posted by sunny10 on April 29, 2005, at 9:17:11
>>>
isn't it possible that you know these things, too, but know that if you use the logic you'll have to let go of "the love" ?
<<<YES!!!!! We don't want to use logic because it requires that we hold ourselves accountable and oftentimes, we must deny ourselves what we want and/or desire. For our own Good!
dove
Posted by Susan47 on April 29, 2005, at 12:04:18
In reply to Re: BUT..., posted by dove on April 29, 2005, at 11:04:33
I say that to my conscience, to justify what I want to get. I'm even aware of it. All along. I spend years, sometimes, doing that. I did it with my therapist too. He must revile me. Can't really blame him, either. Sssssshhhhh no more.
Posted by sunny10 on April 29, 2005, at 12:41:43
In reply to Sssshhhhhhhhhhh... » dove, posted by Susan47 on April 29, 2005, at 12:04:18
we've already established he's not worth the energy !
Posted by Susan47 on April 29, 2005, at 22:59:52
In reply to Re: who cares what he thinks?!?!?!? » Susan47, posted by sunny10 on April 29, 2005, at 12:41:43
Oh. I forgot. Sheesh. I'm hopeless.
This is the end of the thread.
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