![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Toph on April 2, 2005, at 20:20:52
Hitch a ride
See what's inside
Folks like me
Can speak so free
Civil schooling
By judge's ruling
Watch the clock
While on a block
Friends unseen
With wit so keen
Relate and care
There're always there
But real life tugs
From chat and hugs
So away I slip
Oh what a trip
Posted by alexandra_k on April 2, 2005, at 21:09:49
In reply to Movin' On, posted by Toph on April 2, 2005, at 20:20:52
That was good Toph :-)
I haven't Babbled to you in a while...
How are you doing???
Posted by sunny10 on April 2, 2005, at 22:27:56
In reply to Re: Movin' On » Toph, posted by alexandra_k on April 2, 2005, at 21:09:49
Posted by alexandra_k on April 3, 2005, at 1:25:34
In reply to Movin' On, posted by Toph on April 2, 2005, at 20:20:52
Hey Toph, I read the thread over on PC. Your comments made a lot of sense to me. I am sorry you got given such a hard time because of it.
I don't think that poster should have been able to get away with saying that to you...
But... Different rules I suppose.
Anyways. I always appreciate your posts.
And I am glad you are here.
Posted by Toph on April 3, 2005, at 12:23:50
In reply to Re: Movin' On » Toph, posted by alexandra_k on April 3, 2005, at 1:25:34
> Hey Toph, I read the thread over on PC. Your comments made a lot of sense to me. I am sorry you got given such a hard time because of it.
>
> I don't think that poster should have been able to get away with saying that to you...
>
> But... Different rules I suppose.
>
> Anyways. I always appreciate your posts.
> And I am glad you are here.Thanks a lot alex. Maybe many babblers have wanted to tell me to get lost but couldn't. Anyway, I thought the joke was clever but oddly condescending to some of his own following. It was nice to get some support from Larry.
I've really messed up my work by getting so far behind in my paper work. My wife is conviced I have ADD. I'm scattered in conversation having difficulty concentrating. I don't think its the Lamictal or Lithium or dementia or aging, I think it's more that I've lost some focus in my life somehow. Social work is draining, the kids are off in college, and I am having a kind of mid-life crisis. I haven't bought a Porche, I would if that would help, I just feel old and keep looking back and lamenting that I haven't been the best father, spouse, employee that I could have been. My wife keeps climbing the corporate ladder and my kids have their whole life in front of them. Worse of all, I keep obsessing about stupid things I've done in my life and can't seem to forgive myself or give myself credit for the good I've done. I apologize for feeling so sorry for myself. I've exhaused my wife and my T with this broken record. Wouldn't it be nice to good to bed looking foreward to something for once?
Somehow I've run out of gas on PB. This may sound rediculous, but I feel like I was interesting to people here until they got to know me. I miss the feeling I had of coming to a new place and being a part of a community. Maybe these these experiences come in waves and I'll enjoy returning again in the future. I'm sure I'll take a peek from time to time. I'll miss many of you guys. Keep up the work at school, alex. It's obvious to us all, that this accomplishment means so much to you.
I'll see you around.Toph
Posted by Susan47 on April 3, 2005, at 18:40:21
In reply to Re: Movin' On, posted by Toph on April 3, 2005, at 12:23:50
And if you say it, it's two syllables, as in porsh-uh.
Oh, Toph, you sweet darling, I hope you don't mind my saying that to you, but you are, you're a sweet darling and please don't go.
But if you do, I'll understand. I'm having a mid-life too, and it's so comforting to read what you say about yourself, I've always been drawn to your writing, Toph, because even though it's not always like me, it is enough times, there's enough of me in there, in you, that I look at Toph and say, look, here's this lovely man who's intelligent and thoughtful and sensitive, he understands humanity, he knows so much about people, and life, and I like him so much.
You're totally, so much the opposite, so much away from being a failure that you might as well be on the moon. You're cognitively dysfunctional, I'll bet ;-) .. right now anyways ... because you see yourself and your life totally in the wrong light.
If you leave, YOU CAN'T LEAVE, TOPH, you cannot leave, please, unless it's hurting you more to come here than it is to stay away. Please do what's right for you, I've always thought you were wonderful.
((((Toph))))
Posted by Susan47 on April 3, 2005, at 18:45:25
In reply to Re: Movin' On, posted by Toph on April 3, 2005, at 12:23:50
It's a mistake, Toph, this is ridiculous. You know the signs and symptoms of depression, you know logically looking at it from the outside that you're depressed.
Are you still doing social work? Because yesterday in class we did Grief, okay, and one of the discussions in our exercises that came up centered around assumption. I said I could never work on a Psych Ward because I have the assumption that depression is "catching." And you should have seen the heads nodding all around the room. And several of my classmates with experience in the area said yes, it's true, you cannot be a pillar all the time when those around you are constantly crumbling.
Or something to that effect.
Posted by Toph on April 4, 2005, at 7:51:16
In reply to Porsche, posted by Susan47 on April 3, 2005, at 18:40:21
Susan47,
What can I say? You were the first girl I flirted with, and you were the first one to say to me, "Get lost, you bug me." There has alway been something about you that intrigues me. Your various facets, from sexpot to vulnerable to opinionated to bummed out to supportive to critical. Sounds like there's a little bit of you for all of us. I used to get hurt when you'd ignore me. But that was usually because you were helping someone else or spilling your guts. I never felt as comfortable as you do starting a thread. Anyway, I'm glad I got the minefield of Admin out of my system and came over to Social to play. It was fun to pull your pigtails.
Work is important to me. I'm really very good at engaging clients. It takes some skill to schmooze your way into a way elderly woman's house. I must have a trustworthy face and voice. But I don't follow up well anymore. And so many people reject help or let their so-called loving children exploit them or become confused and forget you or get sick and die that I leave a little piece of me with them. I feel like I'm out of pieces sometimes. It's sad really. I used to love my job and the people that I work with. They're mostly women and I love women. Guys are so busy tring to piss farther than each other. I'm just an OK pisser.
I'll watch periodically. And jump in when I see someone ignored or I think I have something smart or stupid to add. But mostly I feel like it's time to get back to work. I've dug a big hole there and I better use whatever pieces I have left. I love you Susan. You make me so mad at you sometimes. But mostly you were there to pick me up when I fell on m yass.
Toph
Posted by Susan47 on April 4, 2005, at 10:02:57
In reply to Re: Porsche, posted by Toph on April 4, 2005, at 7:51:16
I don't remember ever saying Get lost, you bug me. I'm the type that would say, get lost, I can't stand you. Which is not even close to true, as far as you're concerned. You're being ultra-sensitive right now, too, because you're depressed plain and simple, you have been in all the months I've seen you on the boards, you've never felt positive about yourself, but I suspect it's not always been true for you.. you do know what it feels like to feel good, don't you?
And you know something, the idea of a man who can schmooze his way into an elderly woman's house because he's trustworthy, is really wonderful, and you certainly seem to be that.
You mustn't feel ignored by anybody. Post and don't apologize for yourself, not until you've actually hurt somebody and they've told you. You're full of apology, Toph, FULL of it. You feel like you've let down the whole effing world, but NO you haven't, the world has let You down, Toph.. you've had enough of that, you need fresh air, a new perspective.
Can't you get your beautiful corporate ladder-climbing wife to take the reigns for awhile so you can go to school and do what you really want to do? Or take a vacation? Or just quit, and downsize your life for awhile? Take sailing lessons, oh yes, do you live close to the water?
I suspect you've had enough of this career; you can still help people, Toph, doing something else, and you can do something which will give YOU greater rewards. YOU DESERVE IT. You're a good person. It's the goodness in you which is making you feel so worthless, don't you see that? If you didn't care you'd be impervious. GIVE YOURSELF WHAT YOU TRULY DESERVE: KINDNESS. Acceptance. Love from those around you, who truly do love you and want to see you happy, Toph... Happy is not a bad word. You don't need to take on the responsibilities of the world in order to be a good person. Do what it takes to make yourself happy, Toph, and you will be astounded at how much good, positive light you suddenly are capable of spreading. You don't need to seek sadness and despair in others in order to help the world. It just feels like you're a sponge, you know, taking in as much bad feeling as a person can possibly handle and still be breathing .. you need to exhale, darling.
(((((Toph)))))
Posted by Susan47 on April 4, 2005, at 12:13:28
In reply to Re: Porsche, posted by Susan47 on April 4, 2005, at 10:02:57
not the reigns.
Hey, Toph, I love you too you know. It hurts to see you negating yourself so much. Maybe I hurt more than I help. I should get off here too, for different reasons than you. Because at least you don't hurt anybody.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 5, 2005, at 3:52:28
In reply to The Reins, posted by Susan47 on April 4, 2005, at 12:13:28
Don't you dare leave when were being all nice and mushy and spilling our guts to you about how much we LIKE you and APPRECIATE you and your PERSONALITY and your WIT and your KINDNESS.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: you are a sweet and thoughtful guy Toph. And it sounds like at the mo life is getting you down precisely because you are such a sweet and thoughtful guy with such high expectations of yourself.
It must be really really hard to do the kind of job you do. Where what you do can really make a difference, and likewise where what you cannot do can really make a difference. NOW is the only moment there is, Toph. In being too caught up in the could have beens and the might have beens and the should have beens you miss out on the NOW. And one day the NOW will become one of those could have beens.
So seize the day Toph. Seize the moment. Grab hold of that wife of yours and tell her you love her. Have you managed to hold her hand yet? I remember that discussion from over on social, see? And I learned something.
We haven't grown weary of you Toph.
I will miss you if you go...
Posted by alexandra_k on April 5, 2005, at 3:53:49
In reply to Re: HEY TOPH, YOU GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE, posted by alexandra_k on April 5, 2005, at 3:52:28
Posted by alexandra_k on April 5, 2005, at 3:54:31
In reply to Hey wow, check it out Susan!!! ASS ASS ASS!!! (nm), posted by alexandra_k on April 5, 2005, at 3:53:49
Posted by Toph on April 5, 2005, at 8:53:57
In reply to Re: HEY TOPH, YOU GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE, posted by alexandra_k on April 5, 2005, at 3:52:28
Thanks, alex, those are really kind words, even if you have such a damn funny accent. But it's really not a very good time for me now. I'm sure I'll be back. I hope its not too different here when I return.
Posted by sunny10 on April 5, 2005, at 9:16:51
In reply to Re: HEY TOPH, YOU GET YOUR *SS BACK HERE, posted by Toph on April 5, 2005, at 8:53:57
Every post I've read today has made me cry. Sometimes it is hard to be here when all of your nerves and feelings seem to be on the outside of your body- like when you hit your funny bone really hard and then every little movement hurts your arm...
All I can say is that you've been a good friend to me, but I won't be surprised if you go away. We all have fear of commitment or fear of abandonment issues... sometimes it feels like it helps if we are the first to run.
Yeah, I know that sounds harsh- I just feel like that right now, myself. I just want to run far away from everything and everyone 'cause every part of every relationship hurts....
Posted by partlycloudy on April 5, 2005, at 9:28:42
In reply to Re: HEY TOPH, YOU GET YOUR *SS BACK HERE, posted by Toph on April 5, 2005, at 8:53:57
And I would like to echo what Susan said. I don't post to you often enough and now I wish I had babbled to you more. This *is* your depression talking, Toph. The worse we feel, the more we think that no one wants to hear us. And it just isn't true.
FWIW, I agree that the blocking system is far from a fair and workable machine. The civility dance is one that I try hard to do, mostly because I'm prancing around on someone else's dancefloor. But also, I play it so carefully because I would be devastated to be blocked, I just know it. And I already know that I don't belong elsewhere. This is my home, so I bow my head and obey to be allowed to speak here.I hope you decide to return to your babble Friends. In the meantime, if you ever want to talk or vent or rave or moan or all of the above, please feel free to email me, partlycloudy at gmail dot com.
And take good care of yourself. You are special and treasured, and a vital part of babble.
Posted by Toph on April 5, 2005, at 20:24:21
In reply to Re: I know how you feel, Toph, posted by sunny10 on April 5, 2005, at 9:16:51
You were always so nice to me sunny I couldn't believe it. Then I found out about all the tragedy and disappointment you have had to endure and, for the life of me, I can't understand how you haven't turned bitter because of it. That you can care about others like you do is a tribute to your inner strength. I'm pleased that you consider me a friend.
Posted by Toph on April 5, 2005, at 20:35:55
In reply to No fair posting where I don't read! » Toph, posted by partlycloudy on April 5, 2005, at 9:28:42
There are so many people I wish I knew better here including you PC. Many times when starting a dialogue with someone you are diverting a thread off topic. Also, for whatever reason I get uncomfortable when people support me after I spill my guts. This depression thing just won't go away. All therapy has seemed to accomplish is confirmation that I am an unhapppy person. I hoped Lamictal would help. All it did is give me a little extra defense against mania but no real lift in my affect. I'm kind of used to feeling this way. Thanks for caring PC. You are a perfect fit for this home - your so nice to the guests.
Posted by Toph on April 5, 2005, at 20:36:48
In reply to Movin' On, posted by Toph on April 2, 2005, at 20:20:52
Posted by Susan47 on April 5, 2005, at 22:23:07
In reply to Re: No fair posting where I don't read! » partlycloudy, posted by Toph on April 5, 2005, at 20:35:55
HOW can such a smart person, how can ANY of us in fact, allow this to happen to ourselves? Logically Toph you know you're depressed. Logically you know there are medications you HAVEN't Tried yet which can help you. Logically You know you'll snap out of this. Logically you know if you can just make that first turn towards help that things will be better faster .. but you can't do it, can you? Seems like none of us can, not one of us .. the mood overwhelms all sense, the mood rules all, everything .. physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. LOOK AT WHAT'S HAPPENING TO YOU, TOPH, YOU BEAUTIFUL, INTENSE, INCREDIBLE MAN.. WE LOVE YOU, ALL OF US HERE.!!!!!
Posted by sunny10 on April 6, 2005, at 11:19:53
In reply to Re: I know how you feel, Toph » sunny10, posted by Toph on April 5, 2005, at 20:24:21
you give me too much credit...withholding it from yourself, probably, as I do.
I AM sometimes bitter... I'm only human, after all.
I don't know when/if you'll read this, but I could have said all those same things to you that you wrote to me.
I have been told that there are two kinds of people in this world; the feelers and the thinkers. You and I are feelers, and it is second nature for us to empathize with other human beings. But sometimes we feel too deeply/painfully ourselves; that is the yang to our yin.
Whether you are here at Babble, or not, I hope that you have great success at everything you attempt and that happiness will creep into your day to day life. At some point the fates should shine on us as reward for helping others when they are at their darkest hours, with no regard for our own needs.
I love you, Toph. I love you so much that it feels like maybe I can learn to love myself a little now having gotten to know you the small bit that I have. You have been immeasurably kind and loving and have shown me that I am, too.
Best wishes and warmest regards forever,
sunny10
Posted by Dr. Bob on May 2, 2005, at 0:13:16
In reply to Re: Sorry Dr Bob :-( (nm), posted by alexandra_k on April 5, 2005, at 3:54:31
Posted by alexandra_k on May 2, 2005, at 5:48:38
In reply to Re: thanks, should be fixed now (nm), posted by Dr. Bob on May 2, 2005, at 0:13:16
Heh heh.
Yup.
Posted by Toph on March 21, 2007, at 18:53:10
In reply to Re: I know how you feel, Toph, posted by sunny10 on April 6, 2005, at 11:19:53
I miss those days too, sunny.
This is the end of the thread.
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