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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by AdaGrace on March 7, 2005, at 9:14:28
I Can’t See You
You sit there with your Cheshire cat grin, but your eyes are cloudy.
I can’t read them.
Those beautiful blue eyes aren’t looking at me, they’re looking through me.I can’t see you anymore. It’s unclear to me who you are.
I can’t tell what you are thinking, or what you are feeling.
It’s a challenge I am having a hard time keeping up with.I offered up my tightly guarded heart to you and got it handed back unopened.
Once again, I said too much.
Once again, I revealed my feelings and shouldn’t have.I kept thinking that you would replace him in my dreams.
That you would make me feel alive again, human, feminine.
God, I so wanted to feel feminine again. Desired, wanted, touched, loved.The sting of your words, the deviance of our sex, they excited me at first.
You introduced me to a different world of desire and passion.Yesterday, my neck hurt.
I looked in the mirror and saw your fingerprints beginning to appear.
What a strange feeling that was to see your marks on me.
To remember why they were there, and to see my neck under your grip.
To watch myself in that position and not remember if I liked it or just tolerated it because I wanted to please you. Scary. Very scary.Pleasing you was what I thought was my purpose in the relationship.
I felt that if I could please you, you would want to please me.
But you don’t.It’s been 4 times now that we have been together.
4 times we have been intimate.
Not one time has compared to the beautiful romantic love I shared with him.
I won’t get that with you. I can’t. You don’t offer that.You don’t cherish me.
You cherish my money, my vehicle, my availability.
But you don’t cherish me.You don’t even cherish my body.
The last time we were together you never once initiated touching.
Not even a caress on the cheek. Not one.
Oh you put your arm around me a few times, but I might as well have been your sister.
I feel so ashamed. So embarrassed. I’m such a fool.
When I tried to touch you while kissing you goodbye, you pushed me away.
Was it that repulsive?
Am I that horrible to be with?Why did I tell you I love you?
Why did I say that?
I can’t stop crying. Oh God, I can’t stop crying.If I were ever to reveal this to you, you would tell me my feelings were unwarranted.
If I were to tell you that you hurt me again, you would say I brought it on myself.
If I were to tell you that I loved you again, you would say “Of course you do”You’re playing with my mind, and I’m letting it happen.
I’m letting it happen because I think I deserve it.
I think that I am nothing, and therefore I allow myself to be treated that way.Opening the door for me doesn’t make you a man.
Finding me some weed doesn’t mean you actually care about me.
Pulling out my chair for me only shows manners, it doesn’t show feelings.All these things are forgotten when I come home with an empty wallet, an empty heart, bruises on my body, and tears in my eyes for the unreturned loved I so freely offered.
I can’t see you anymore.
It’s killing me.I’m dying again.
I’m useless again.
I’m nothing again.
Broke
Broken
Empty
Bruised
Used
AbusedAnd so very, very hurt.
AdaGrace
03/07/05
Posted by partlycloudy on March 7, 2005, at 13:17:41
In reply to I Can't See You.....Very Personal and Graphic, posted by AdaGrace on March 7, 2005, at 9:14:28
Oh, sweetie. Check your email when you have a moment.
Posted by Susan47 on March 7, 2005, at 14:14:13
In reply to I Can't See You.....Very Personal and Graphic, posted by AdaGrace on March 7, 2005, at 9:14:28
I'm printing it, AG. It's the most incredible truth you're sharing with us. We're all blessed to have you here. I can feel your emptiness, and you aren't filling it with him. But you tried so very very hard. You're very beautiful in so many ways, and yes you're beautiful physically, and you're beautiful in all ways to the right heart, and the right heart is there, somewhere, for you, and it's your own, and when you can reach in and touch it, and feel yourself there, other loves will follow. Real ones. And who will fill you up? You. And you'll feel the pleasure more and more every day.
You hurt because you knew you were being dishonest with yourself, with this new man, from the very beginning.
You don't love him, you never loved him, but you said what you thought would make him yours,
But it didn't.
He took advantage of your bad feeling for yourself, and made himself feel like Someone, but he's not, and you know he's slime, you KNOW what he's doing, you knew what his agenda was from the very beginnning. And when you're out of his life, he'll find another hapless one who needs to please him; not because he deserves anything like it, but because he's emptier than you are, AdaGrace.
And he needs you to fill him up.
So leave.
Show what you have without him by not needing him.
You know he doesn't care, and you know it won't matter to him.
And that hurts more than anything else, even the pain of being continually rejected.Can you be strong enough to let him find another he can feed his fragile ego on?
To do for him what he can't do for himself... in mirages, and briefly, until he's faced with his own emptiness again.
And perhaps one day, when he'd old and gray, he'll realize who you were. And it will make him angry with himself.You shown with your soul that you Can love. You can love yourself; that's the best revenge. Piss on him.
And there goes Susan, off on yet another tangent about her own self. And it makes so much sense to me. Does it make any sense to you, AG?
Posted by AdaGrace on March 8, 2005, at 7:20:14
In reply to Re: I Can't See You.....Very Personal and Graphic, posted by partlycloudy on March 7, 2005, at 13:17:41
Posted by AdaGrace on March 8, 2005, at 7:30:51
In reply to Re: I Can't See You.....Very Personal and Graphic, posted by Susan47 on March 7, 2005, at 14:14:13
Yes Susan, it all makes sense and you are 100% right. But you see, I did this on purpose. I knew I was doing it, I know I am doing it right now. I know it's wrong, and I know it's causing more harm than good, but I'm doing it on purpose.
My mouth forms a tiny grin each time the expected happens. It's like my own form of self mutilation. It's a release to me to be kicked around and abused. Then I can say, "See there, I told you this would happen, I asked for this, I deserve this."
However....the longer I allow this to continue the stronger I seem to feel about how I DO NOT DESERVE THIS. I'm almost done you know. Almost insane enough to hurt him back. I feel victory coming. I can tell him to go get f*cked, and it won't hurt me at all. The game is almost over. Don't you see Susan. This is why I chose him!!!!!!!! I knew he would do this, I knew he would continue and it would get worse, and I knew it might just slap me into reality. I have news for him. Before it's over, I will slap him back. I've never had a man mark me or bruise me or hit me, and I will NOT let him forget that he was the first, and the last.
Yes, the sad thing is, my fragile heart began to feel during this process. Began to think I needed him to be my lover, my friend, my confidant. My pride let go, and I felt things churning inside for him. But I was falling in love with the feeling of desire and being desired. Not him. You are right. I fed this relationship because I thought I needed it to be a replacement of a powerful love I thought I had lost, but maybe, just maybe Susan, I haven't had that powerful long lasting lifetime love. Maybe I never will, but maybe i can realize that I don't have to have it. Comfort, comfort is better than turmoil, isn't it?
AdaGrace
Posted by Susan47 on March 8, 2005, at 13:34:02
In reply to Re: I Can't See You.....Very Personal and Graphic » Susan47, posted by AdaGrace on March 8, 2005, at 7:30:51
Of course you're doing it on purpose. I did it too. It confirmed how I felt about myself. But I might have been wrong.
Posted by Susan47 on March 8, 2005, at 13:36:52
In reply to Re: I Can't See You.....Very Personal and Graphic » Susan47, posted by AdaGrace on March 8, 2005, at 7:30:51
Comfort isn't always better than turmoil, you know. Turmoil brings challenge and opportunity and I do believe you know that which is why you created this. You can't live with this emptiness forever.
Posted by B2chica on March 15, 2005, at 10:54:30
In reply to I Can't See You.....Very Personal and Graphic, posted by AdaGrace on March 7, 2005, at 9:14:28
This is the end of the thread.
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