Posted by AdaGrace on March 7, 2005, at 9:14:28
I Can’t See You
You sit there with your Cheshire cat grin, but your eyes are cloudy.
I can’t read them.
Those beautiful blue eyes aren’t looking at me, they’re looking through me.I can’t see you anymore. It’s unclear to me who you are.
I can’t tell what you are thinking, or what you are feeling.
It’s a challenge I am having a hard time keeping up with.I offered up my tightly guarded heart to you and got it handed back unopened.
Once again, I said too much.
Once again, I revealed my feelings and shouldn’t have.I kept thinking that you would replace him in my dreams.
That you would make me feel alive again, human, feminine.
God, I so wanted to feel feminine again. Desired, wanted, touched, loved.The sting of your words, the deviance of our sex, they excited me at first.
You introduced me to a different world of desire and passion.Yesterday, my neck hurt.
I looked in the mirror and saw your fingerprints beginning to appear.
What a strange feeling that was to see your marks on me.
To remember why they were there, and to see my neck under your grip.
To watch myself in that position and not remember if I liked it or just tolerated it because I wanted to please you. Scary. Very scary.Pleasing you was what I thought was my purpose in the relationship.
I felt that if I could please you, you would want to please me.
But you don’t.It’s been 4 times now that we have been together.
4 times we have been intimate.
Not one time has compared to the beautiful romantic love I shared with him.
I won’t get that with you. I can’t. You don’t offer that.You don’t cherish me.
You cherish my money, my vehicle, my availability.
But you don’t cherish me.You don’t even cherish my body.
The last time we were together you never once initiated touching.
Not even a caress on the cheek. Not one.
Oh you put your arm around me a few times, but I might as well have been your sister.
I feel so ashamed. So embarrassed. I’m such a fool.
When I tried to touch you while kissing you goodbye, you pushed me away.
Was it that repulsive?
Am I that horrible to be with?Why did I tell you I love you?
Why did I say that?
I can’t stop crying. Oh God, I can’t stop crying.If I were ever to reveal this to you, you would tell me my feelings were unwarranted.
If I were to tell you that you hurt me again, you would say I brought it on myself.
If I were to tell you that I loved you again, you would say “Of course you do”You’re playing with my mind, and I’m letting it happen.
I’m letting it happen because I think I deserve it.
I think that I am nothing, and therefore I allow myself to be treated that way.Opening the door for me doesn’t make you a man.
Finding me some weed doesn’t mean you actually care about me.
Pulling out my chair for me only shows manners, it doesn’t show feelings.All these things are forgotten when I come home with an empty wallet, an empty heart, bruises on my body, and tears in my eyes for the unreturned loved I so freely offered.
I can’t see you anymore.
It’s killing me.I’m dying again.
I’m useless again.
I’m nothing again.
Broke
Broken
Empty
Bruised
Used
AbusedAnd so very, very hurt.
AdaGrace
03/07/05
poster:AdaGrace
thread:467702
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20050211/msgs/467702.html