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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by alexandra_k on January 21, 2005, at 21:26:29
In reply to Hiding and don't know where else to go, posted by Susan47 on January 21, 2005, at 21:07:59
Aw Susan. Now you went and made me cry.
Posted by Susan47 on January 21, 2005, at 21:52:52
In reply to Re: Hiding and don't know where else to go » Susan47, posted by alexandra_k on January 21, 2005, at 21:26:29
Did you guess? It's my ex-T, and how I feel, and felt, about him. And I guess this is the only place that's safe enough for me to express myself.
Posted by Susan47 on January 22, 2005, at 0:57:10
In reply to Re: Hiding and don't know where else to go, posted by Susan47 on January 21, 2005, at 21:52:52
So everybody knows I can't write worth sh*t and I don't even care. I just really would like to get everything out, verbally vomit. It's what I've been trying to do in the therapy seat for months. I've never had any patience. I drove my T crazy with my need to get everything done faster, faster, faster. Hang on it's gonna be a bumpy ride for anyone who perseveres with me, better for some not to, they may fall asleep. I'm not doing this to entertain anybody, it's only for me. Selfish I may be and that's fine. I have reasons. I need to be free. I don't want to be afraid of loving, not anymore.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 22, 2005, at 1:30:49
In reply to Sh., posted by Susan47 on January 22, 2005, at 0:57:10
Get it out Susan. I think that is (partly) what this place is here for.
I vent over here.
But I escape in my head over here too.Sometimes you remind me of me so much that I find that really scairey.
Please forgive me if I am wrong, but what was the situation with you and your old t? Sorry, I don't always keep up with everything.
Your poem reminded me of every attempt at a *relationship* I have ever had.
I suck the goodness out of them.
And swallow it all up inside of me somehow.
Once they have given me everything they have to give
I am still empty and needy.
Oh god.
I am off to have another cry.
Posted by Susan47 on January 22, 2005, at 16:24:08
In reply to Re: Sh. » Susan47, posted by alexandra_k on January 22, 2005, at 1:30:49
Thank the gods you're here with me, alexandra, because if you weren't I wouldn't have this courage. Remember, there're only two life stories and they keep repeating themselves over and over ... or something like that ...
It's not scary that I remind you of yourself, it's beautiful.
Posted by Susan47 on January 22, 2005, at 16:34:00
In reply to Re: Sh. » Susan47, posted by alexandra_k on January 22, 2005, at 1:30:49
The darkness, the sucking-in of everything good and giving back of nothing, will be over soon.
Yes, it hurts, it hurts terribly to not have you with me, but the courage required to continue loving the man helps to overcome the pain. Can you understand?
I realize, now, that I finally met a man who was worth loving.
Do you know how truly rare that is?
I was very, very lucky to know you.
And the love spreads, too.
It's a living thing, because it lives inside me, and I AM alive.
I carry my love with me, I nurture it, because if I believe you were bad, or hurtful, the love would die and so would all hope for any life at all.
Loving you allows me to love others, and the knowledge that you also love others, makes you ever more beautiful to me.
Beautiful.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 22, 2005, at 17:11:39
In reply to Re: Sh. » alexandra_k, posted by Susan47 on January 22, 2005, at 16:24:08
> Remember, there're only two life stories and they keep repeating themselves over and over ... or something like that ...
Yeah, I have heard that too. I think there are only 6 novel plots as well.
> It's not scary that I remind you of yourself, it's beautiful.
Yeah. Sometimes...
Posted by alexandra_k on January 22, 2005, at 17:22:27
In reply to I Learned to Love You, posted by Susan47 on January 22, 2005, at 16:34:00
Are you going to make me cry everyday?
That was beautiful.I have two...
One especially.I know this may sound a little tacky, but it isn't so tacky when you think about it. It is off the movie "as good as it gets" (can't find the link).
'You make me want to be a better man'.
I know my feelings are genuine when I meet someone who makes me feel like I wish to god I was a better person. Not broken. Not empty. Not needy. Someone who makes me wish I could have light inside me. And give it all to them.
And now I am crying again.
I know I have to learn how to 'self soothe'.
To have better boundaries.
They should have better ones too.
They shouldn't give me everything.
They shouldn't.
I don't ask for it.
But sometimes I need it.
But what do I mean I need it when it doesn't help me get better.
Well, it doesn't cure me.
But it does help me.
That someone is willing to do that for me
Makes me want to be better.
But maybe it doesn't help me in the long run.
Because they have to leave because they don't have anything left.
And then I give everything I do have to others when I have it.We both need to learn better boundaries.
There must be another way.
But it is beautiful still.> Loving you allows me to love others, and the knowledge that you also love others, makes you ever more beautiful to me.
Thats beautiful Susan.
Posted by Susan47 on January 22, 2005, at 21:28:14
In reply to Re: I Learned to Love You » Susan47, posted by alexandra_k on January 22, 2005, at 17:22:27
Alexandra,
'You make me want to be a better man'. I cried my eyes out at that point in the movie. It's the effect a truly good therapeutic relationship will have on both parties involved, both the seeker and the helper.
It's what I always hoped for in my relationship with my therapist.
I don't know if it ever happened. I choose to believe that it did. It helps my love for him to stay real, connected, alive, and strong.
Posted by Susan47 on January 22, 2005, at 21:29:14
In reply to Re: I Learned to Love You » Susan47, posted by alexandra_k on January 22, 2005, at 17:22:27
Alexandra,
A strong thought just grabbed me .. this feels like an integration of something within myself. I feel boulders moving in my center.
Posted by Susan47 on January 22, 2005, at 21:44:49
In reply to Re: I Learned to Love You » Susan47, posted by alexandra_k on January 22, 2005, at 17:22:27
but I'm running out of words .. love is ephemeral, like our lives. It is not constant, it is not eternally soothing, but when it happens again, it carries us into life ... and we Grow.
Just a thought, even if it sounds dumb later....From you, Alexandra -
"That someone is willing to do that for me
Makes me want to be better."That's how my therapist worked for me. I was in so much pain for such a very long time, at times I thought I would die from it. The pain of his abandonment was truly terrible. So many, many times it threatened to swallow me. I was being consumed, but what I didn't see is that my fear was the biggest part of that.
Listening to good music now, and feeling the boulders kind of move around, diminishing, growing bigger, smaller, and when they're smaller-feeling they feel like they're burning, too.
I don't know if anyone will understand what I'm talking about or what's happening, I barely know what it is myself, but something is definitely happening to our little Susan tonight.
Posted by Susan47 on January 22, 2005, at 22:07:47
In reply to The right words can be music for the soul » alexandra_k, posted by Susan47 on January 22, 2005, at 21:44:49
I can't seem to stop so much emotional stuff from happening.
I'm sitting here and I can't even post anymore because there's an incredible movie of lives playing itself through my mind, my heart, my soul... I'm smoky, not really here. The piano keys are carrying me away on their ephemeral voices; I'm the only one who needs to understand.
Posted by Susan47 on January 22, 2005, at 22:30:18
In reply to This feels a bit manic, really., posted by Susan47 on January 22, 2005, at 22:07:47
Alexandra,
If I didn't feel so hopeless right now I would be crying, I lost the most beautiful post in cyberspace, it was about what you wrote. I have so many important, incredibly important things to say to you about your last post, what you said about it doesn't help you when they give you everything, and you suck it up, but even though the men leave, and you feel needy, every time it happens, your soul is learning something.
There's a part of you that still exists, it's the part of you that you forgot to hold back the first time you loved, it's the self-respect your soul knows.
And when you're lucky enough to meet the right person at the right time in your life, the shifting that started the first time you dared to love, clicks into place, and nothing is ever the same again.
Posted by Susan47 on January 22, 2005, at 22:34:21
In reply to Re: I Learned to Love You » Susan47, posted by alexandra_k on January 22, 2005, at 17:22:27
Anything left, Alexandra, you said that, but remember, and do not feel guilty, because those guys were with you for a reason, too. They chose you as much as you chose them, subconsciously I'm sure, as we live so much of our lives.
Never feel guilty about that ... therapy did teach me that, too.I told my counsellor, this week, that I believe my therapist set me up for healing. And I believe it, and I choose to believe it, and it's true that love is blind, because it has to be.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 22, 2005, at 23:22:50
In reply to They have to Leave Because they don't have, posted by Susan47 on January 22, 2005, at 22:34:21
> Anything left, Alexandra, you said that, but remember, and do not feel guilty, because those guys were with you for a reason, too. They chose you as much as you chose them, subconsciously I'm sure, as we live so much of our lives.
Aw, I was talking about therapists there.
I guess I have been kind of moving between talking about therapists and real world relationships... So many similarities...
But you are thinking about what it would mean to have a healthy relationship.
Do you think we will ever have one and be able to keep it one day?
Posted by Susan47 on January 23, 2005, at 1:25:39
In reply to Re: They have to Leave Because they don't have » Susan47, posted by alexandra_k on January 22, 2005, at 23:22:50
My most important relationship will always be with me, it's in me, it is me. D'you see? Today I had a huge glimpse of what life could be like if I could allow myself to believe everything good and leave everything bad.
It works. I mustn't ever ever again forget that. Ever. Remember it, Susan, you will need it for the future, if you want that future to be good.
Okay.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 23, 2005, at 3:22:52
In reply to Yes., posted by Susan47 on January 23, 2005, at 1:25:39
> My most important relationship will always be with me, it's in me, it is me. D'you see? Today I had a huge glimpse of what life could be like if I could allow myself to believe everything good and leave everything bad.
Yeah, I see :-)
> It works. I mustn't ever ever again forget that. Ever. Remember it, Susan, you will need it for the future, if you want that future to be good.
Yeah. Sometimes that can be hard to see / remember.
Good luck to us.
Posted by Jai Narayan on January 23, 2005, at 7:32:43
In reply to Re: Yes. » Susan47, posted by alexandra_k on January 23, 2005, at 3:22:52
I like you both so much.
Your sharing was very moving for me.
my best to you both
Ja* Narayan
Posted by alexandra_k on January 23, 2005, at 14:01:00
In reply to what a wonderful conversation :), posted by Jai Narayan on January 23, 2005, at 7:32:43
> I like you both so much. Your sharing was very moving for me. my best to you both
Yay, Jai is going to join in!!!
:-)
Posted by Susan47 on January 23, 2005, at 14:08:34
In reply to Re: what a wonderful conversation :) » Jai Narayan, posted by alexandra_k on January 23, 2005, at 14:01:00
I double the "Yay". I like Ja*.
Posted by Susan47 on January 23, 2005, at 19:01:15
In reply to Re: I Learned to Love You » Susan47, posted by alexandra_k on January 22, 2005, at 17:22:27
I have to write all this out by hand, I have no ink for my printer and I need to have these posts, every one of them, every single one for myself. They're part of who I am, who I want to be, now, and I need to read them every day until I'm no longer afraid of losing myself. I need these printed. God may nothing happen to Babble, please, these need to stay until I can get them physical, and absorbed, oh please don't let anything happen to Babble.
Posted by Susan47 on January 23, 2005, at 19:16:38
In reply to Re: They have to Leave Because they don't have » Susan47, posted by alexandra_k on January 22, 2005, at 23:22:50
You were saying something about the similarity between therapists (sic) and real world relationships .. I'm guessing you meant therapy relationships.... and what I want to say is a therapy relationship IS a real-world relationship, in every sense of the word, PLUS it's set up to be healing ... and in the end I think I was very fortunate to have the therapist I did. I don't know if he realizes that. I hope he does. I really would like him to know how helpful he's been, perhaps even just by being himself. I remember, once, I asked him why he became a therapist, and he told me that it was something a high-school teacher had said to him. Well, regardless of what the truth is, I now like to believe the thing was that C was the type of person who brought out the best in everyone.
Posted by Jai Narayan on January 23, 2005, at 20:29:53
In reply to Re: They have to Leave Because they don't have » alexandra_k, posted by Susan47 on January 23, 2005, at 19:16:38
I know, I love my T as well.
she brought me through places I had been stuck for years....
maybe a life time...
she was gentle and kind.
she was on my side, with me, loving me...
I can see it in her eyes.
you know the soul shining through...
I am so different now..
she filled me with love and knowledge and I got full enough.
I filled up and am still full of love.
No longer the bottomless pit.
the fountain of caring is now pouring over others...please stop and take a sip....
it's pure and so good.
my best to you susan47
Jai Narayan
Posted by alexandra_k on January 23, 2005, at 22:50:26
In reply to Re: They have to Leave Because they don't have, posted by Jai Narayan on January 23, 2005, at 20:29:53
Aw Jai.
Maybe there is hope.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 24, 2005, at 2:58:42
In reply to Re: They have to Leave Because they don't have » Jai Narayan, posted by alexandra_k on January 23, 2005, at 22:50:26
I can't see it tonight Susan.
I'll have another look tomorrow.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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