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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 11, 2004, at 20:47:16
my whole body pumped with lead. My eyes scrapey like sandpaper. A dull headache and feeling of nausea. I curl up in bed and close my eyes and even my thoughts are slow and sluggish. They wander of their own accord. I remember lots of painful stuff but it doesn't hurt to sharp it is numbed and deadened. But I remember round and round its not like I am processing it away or processing it better of more manageable. But I can't stop the cycle. I can lie in bed like this for days.
Last night I went to bed about 6pm. My flatmates thought I had gone out. They had a party. I did not want to join them. They went out around midnight and I just cried and cried. What is it that estranges me from people real people in the real world - I am just too caught up in my ruminations.
My supervisor said I was shy and wasn't confident.
I used to be thought of as a loudmouth.
I am transparant
Other peoples take on me
Is strange
eerie
Is that me?
Do they see me?
Who the hell am I?
I am living many years ago.Sometimes I just want to be held.
To go to sleep in anothers arms.
You wouldn't believe the things I'd do
Just to fall asleep in anothers arms.
But then again
Maybe you would.Maybe I need to start taking my effexor again.
Maybe thats it.
Posted by Atticus on December 11, 2004, at 21:08:34
In reply to sometimes I feel heavy, posted by alexandra_k on December 11, 2004, at 20:47:16
Hi Alex,
This is like reading my own thoughts. I'm on a trippy hypomanic high right now, but the depressive cycles of bipolar disorder with rapid cycling hit like a sledgehammer. I've lain in bed for entire weekends. I'll wish I could just turn into a big stone in a field of wild grasses and impassively watch the world go by without wanting so much to be a part of the motion, the passion of living things. People accuse me of being stand-offish or stuck-up, but at those times I want nothing more than to frolic with them. I'm getting my frolic at the moment, but deep down I know this moment will pass. Did you ever read the book "Flowers for Algernon"? It's about a mentally handicapped man who is turned into a genius by radical surgery, but the surgery doesn't hold, and he feels his intelligence relentlessly slipping away again. He gives a heartbreaking speech at the end. It was also made into a film way back in the '60s, I think, called "Charley". What I call the "Flowers for Algernon Effect" is always lurking in the back of my mind during a manic phase. I know I'm going to come down extra hard. I really feel for you. What can I do to distract you? Atticus
Posted by smokeymadison on December 11, 2004, at 22:23:27
In reply to Re: sometimes I feel heavy » alexandra_k, posted by Atticus on December 11, 2004, at 21:08:34
really, lying in another's arms every night can be even more painful than lying alone. the person is so close, but i am so shut off from him. he can't feel what i am feeling, can't know what is going through my mind--terrible thoughts. sometimes i go sleep on the couch so i don't have to be near him. then at least the separation isn't just mental.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 11, 2004, at 22:26:09
In reply to Re: sometimes I feel heavy, posted by smokeymadison on December 11, 2004, at 22:23:27
Oh yes. That is why I don't have proper relationships. Just when I am in the mood. And that isn't all that often to tell you the truth. Maybe one or two nights per week, or every two weeks, or three... Not every night, no way by god. Lovers too should have days off.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 11, 2004, at 22:29:39
In reply to Re: sometimes I feel heavy » alexandra_k, posted by Atticus on December 11, 2004, at 21:08:34
Oh Atticus, I envy your hypomanic. Bl**dy dysthymia it is really no fun no fun at all. Sometimes it turns into a MDE for variety, but well manics on the other hand...
I wish I could get manic.
The closest I get is taking LSD and speed all mixed together up my arm... mmm.
Sorry, probably more than you wanted to know.
Do you have any of that whiskey left?
We could sing your poem together...
I can play the triangle :-)
Posted by smokeymadison on December 11, 2004, at 22:40:06
In reply to Re: sometimes I feel heavy » Atticus, posted by alexandra_k on December 11, 2004, at 22:29:39
but DEAR, the CRASH. the crash is death. but yes, i wish i could be hypomanic right now. all i got to do is take some Zoloft and voila! Mania! but i am on a mood stabilizer and i have no Zoloft. But i do have 4 maxed out credit cards to remind me of all the fun of hypomania/mania. just babbling...
Posted by Atticus on December 12, 2004, at 18:52:41
In reply to Re: sometimes I feel heavy » Atticus, posted by alexandra_k on December 11, 2004, at 22:29:39
And I can play the tambourine! ;) The thing to remember about mania is that right now I'm like a hyperactive Humpty-Dumpty dancing recklessly along the top of very tall wall. It's like a drug binge, but we all know how those typically end. Splat. "And all the king's horses and all the king's men ..." Hang in there, Alex. Atticus, who will likely be a giant omelette eventually
Posted by Atticus on December 12, 2004, at 18:58:30
In reply to Re: sometimes I feel heavy » alexandra_k, posted by smokeymadison on December 11, 2004, at 22:40:06
God, you are so right about the bloody spending sprees. I can run up credit card tabs of $1,000 or more in a single afternoon easily in this state, and it's all impulse buys -- I arrive back at my apartment carrying parcels filled with things I don't need. And here I am in Manhattan, one of the prime shopping centers in the world. The Internet's deadly, too. I had to cut myself off from E-Bay. And I talked about the terrible crash you mention in my previous post. Ta. Atticus
Posted by alexandra_k on December 12, 2004, at 19:44:20
In reply to Re: sometimes I feel heavy » smokeymadison, posted by Atticus on December 12, 2004, at 18:58:30
I have trouble with compulsive spending without the manics (no fair!). And I get the crash without the high (woe, woe is me).
Still, it could be worse I suppose...
I do try to work myself up to a manic sometimes.
The best I can manage is narcissistic grandeaur. Still, thats not so bad, and I'll allow the two of you (and Jai) into the charmed circle of exclusive others who are worthy of my time and attention :-)It's not so bad today.
At least not yet...The ducks haven't been around lately.
I think they may have flown away.
It took longer for them to get their flight feathers than I would have supposed.
Today has been a waste of time
And yesterday
and the day before
Who am I kidding, I haven't done anything at all since my last deadline.Still, have a friend visiting tomorrow who can be roped into doing some work for me :-)
Then we can play halo.
Posted by Atticus on December 12, 2004, at 20:11:45
In reply to spending sprees, posted by alexandra_k on December 12, 2004, at 19:44:20
The ducks phoned me up. They're on a compulsive spending spree in Sydney, waddling about carrying bags filled with expensive beak gloss, getting their webbing waxed and the like. I expect they'll be at the opera house tonight. It's off to Tokyo day after tomorrow (they're on very good terms with the Quantas koala and he gets them complimentary first class seating). I think they're going to shoot a commercial there -- or so their publicist told me. Just didn't want you to be the last to know, as they swiped one of your credit cards to pay for all this. Atticus
Posted by Jai Narayan on December 12, 2004, at 20:42:22
In reply to Re: spending sprees » alexandra_k, posted by Atticus on December 12, 2004, at 20:11:45
What a delightful and tender conversation.
I am honored to be included.the humor, my g*d the humor.
thank you for the laugh.
love you guys
Jai
Posted by alexandra_k on December 12, 2004, at 21:16:28
In reply to alexandra_k Atticus.....: ), posted by Jai Narayan on December 12, 2004, at 20:42:22
I haven't been meaning to ignore you.
It is this d*mn melancholia that makes writing poetry and witty banter so hard.I shall feel better
absolutely
have to
must.Those darn ducks are really so inconsiderate. I mean to go off like that without so much as a 'goodbye'. Well, they left little presents all over the doorstep, but the ants are doing off with that and then there will be nothing left, NOTHING. And after I carefully saved them all my hard and mouldy bread for weeks on end...
I hope they come back.
I kinda miss them.
If I could figure out how to get photos off my digital camera onto the web I'd send you guys a link. Don't have any when they were really little and cute. Actually, they probably don't look all that special really, but I have grown rather attached to them.
Posted by Jai Narayan on December 13, 2004, at 8:08:02
In reply to You are welcome Jai my dear, posted by alexandra_k on December 12, 2004, at 21:16:28
At the beginning of this holiday season, I thought I might need antidepressants.
Gosh as I get older I become an odd duck.
Personality traits that seemed irritating are now becoming impediments.For instance, I always hated cleaning my room.
I did this layering thing with clothes and papers and stuff. Clothes were easy, paper not to hard either but odd shaped stuff teeter on their uneven edges and sometimes fall when I close the door.
So my whole room often looks like it's full with no open spaces.
I can walk across the room.
I tolerate that for a while till I get angry and then clean my room till it sparkles.
Then I begin the layering till I fill up all the flat surfaces and then it stays this level of messy till I get mad again.
It's quite a cycle.
Most of the time I can make my way through this mess but sometimes I can see it for what it really looks like then I freak.
So many things and no place to rest my eye.
So....
Do you ever have this problem?
How do you cope with it?ps about the ducks....I love all birds (I do have my favorites) but every duck is special and wonderful. They are creatures of habit and if they liked being at your house (which I wouldn't doubt for a moment), they will be back.
I think I ate a piece of your bread with breakfast this morning.Good morning.
Ja*
Posted by alexandra_k on December 15, 2004, at 0:15:33
In reply to sorry you're blue...I have to clean my room :(, posted by Jai Narayan on December 13, 2004, at 8:08:02
I have to make my bed. That one really gets to me. I think 'why should I make you when I am only going to unmake you later?'
But I feel bad for not making it. I used to be rebellious and not make it as a matter of principle. It gave me something to glare at every now and then. But the really crazy thing about this is that I actually cannot stand to get into an unmade bed! So I end up making it just before I hop in. (Actually I like this, it feels fresher somehow..)
I do get piles of stuff. The 'oh yes, I'll read that oneday' kind of stuff. The 'but I'll save that just in case I run out later' kind of stuff.
I was feeling a bit depressed about not having seen the duckies for a while now... thought they'd gone away for good and all. And you just would not believe what turned up at 7.30 in the morning... A different duck, with 5 tiny ducklings!!! They are soooooo cute!!! She isn't as good a mummy as the other one, though. The other one would kind of hang back and keep a wary eye out on her babies when I was feeding them. If I got too close to them or if they got too close to me then she would make a warning noise at them. It took her a long time to trust me.
This other one literally stomps on her babies to steal the bread out from underneath their noses! I was thinking maybe she is a young mummy, but someone suggested that maybe it was the reverse and she had learned better. She sits on them as well (which is really cute) they all scrabble to get under her and every now and then a little head pops out! Anyway, that just made my morning!
And then this afternoon the other ones turned up again! I can hardly tell the mummy from the babies anymore. And they seem to have their flight feathers and a nice peacock turquoise blue one down the side (they must have been to the feather dresser in Sydney, Atticus). They are great, they nibble on my jeans and I have trained them to jump and kind of (almost) flip for food like a dog catching a frisbee. I have photos (of them trying to eat my pants and so forth) but I don't know how to put them on the net to give peoples a link.
Oh, and I know, they are only so cute and special to me because I have grown attached.
Simply everybody thinks that their duckies are the cutest. I think we get so many hanging out here becasue you aren't allowed to shoot them (for sport) on Campus. They tend to hang out at the places where the hunters leave them alone.
Shall I make my bed...
Oh no. I don't think so :-)alexandra_k the crazy duck lady.
Posted by Jai Narayan on December 15, 2004, at 7:29:44
In reply to Re: sorry you have to clean your room :( » Jai Narayan, posted by alexandra_k on December 15, 2004, at 0:15:33
We still don't have a name for these ducks? Blue on one side?
With the weathered old hand of winter clutching our town I forget spring is somewhere else.
So it's getting warmer at you place?You know if you make those ducklings people friendly by feeding them....
they may not be safe out in the wild world.
Not everyone is as nice as you.....So you have hunters shooting when there are baby ducks?
Shooting is not legal till the babies are grown and migrating south in the USA.curiouser & curiouser
Ja*
Posted by alexandra_k on December 15, 2004, at 14:50:21
In reply to Re: sorry you have to clean your room :(, posted by Jai Narayan on December 15, 2004, at 7:29:44
Nope, I haven't named them. They aren't blue on one side, but they have a blue bit on both sides.
http://www.nzbirds.com/Mallard.html
I think they may be grey / mallard crossbreed, but maybe the females don't have blue heads and maybe the males (if there are any) haven't turned blue yet??? I dunno. Turns out duck hunting season is nowhere near (it says on that page). Just me mumbling on about what I know nothing about once again... The duck sound like they are pretty much everywhere - but I had thought there were more than usual around places where shooting wasn't allowed.
It is actually summer here, would you believe. It is at its hottest in Jan / Feb though. You wouldn't know it is summer at the moment. Just wet and windy like spring indeed.
> You know if you make those ducklings people friendly by feeding them....they may not be safe out in the wild world.
Yeah, I wondered about that... But I figure one could use the same argument for being mean to ones children! Seriously, though, most people are noisey and chase them, and hunters consider it unsporting to lure them with food and shoot them on the ground so I figure they will work it out ok. Was worried about teaching them to scavange. And worried about the nutritional value of bread... any idea of that one?
Posted by Jai Narayan on December 15, 2004, at 17:54:07
In reply to Re: sorry you have to clean your room :(, posted by alexandra_k on December 15, 2004, at 14:50:21
> Yeah, I wondered about that... But I figure one could use the same argument for being mean to ones children!
**you are too funny.: ) Okay you got me on that one.
>Seriously, though, most people are noisey and chase them, and hunters consider it unsporting to lure them with food and shoot them on the ground so I figure they will work it out ok.
**These ducks are not that wild really anyway. They are one of the most successful ducks and have gotten used to humans. Except when they get shot....no one seems to enjoy that.>Was worried about teaching them to scavange. And worried about the nutritional value of bread... any idea of that one?
Is it wonder, spelt or whole wheat bread? I think they will eat anything.
My favorite ducks are: wood ducks, Hooded Merganser, Golden eye, green winged teal, Harlequin...scotters, common eiders.
I could go on...but my memory can not.
I just got home from work and I am p*oped.I am so skitterish about writing feces words....and their orifice
.Ja*
This is the end of the thread.
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