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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sunny10 on November 12, 2004, at 12:41:52
I'm sitting on a hard chair with hard little arms in the waiting room, flipping through a magazine.
The door opens, "ok, sunny, your turn- come on in" she says, with a gesture and a small, tired smile. I have to come in for evening hours, because I've got a job to keep. T is understandably tired- it is late. My work hours are finished, but her's are not. The first compromise in therapy- either I come in during regular office hours, and receive therapy from a bright, alert T, or I hold down a job and come after hours, my T tired and barely able to keep herself motivated through the session.
I realize two things. First, I am able to realistically assess that she is tired for reasons that have nothing to do with how difficult I am. Second, that because I can think rationally right now, thanks to T, she is no longer helping me to grow emotionally.
"T," I say, "you look tired. You just got back from a vacation. Wasn't it long enough?"
"Ah, they never are," she sighes, then straightens, "but we're not here to talk about me, we're here to talk about you. How have you been in the month since we last spoke?"
I pause before I respond, during which a kaleidescope of images pour through my head.
Running out of the house in a panic, my SO had used drugs the night before and I had found the proof of it while he was sleeping- Didn't know where to go- confrontation out of the question. My father had beat me in the past, my ex-husband humiliated me in public and in private, an ex-fiance had beaten me (once)- I don't much like to confront people with things they don't want to hear. I run.
I had left, with just the clothes on my back and my purse, I didn't know how to get home. I cried copiously in my car. I drove first in one direction, changed my mind, drove in a different direction. Made two phone calls to friends I was supposed to meet that night, left messages, "no, I won't be going to listen to the band, after all, I'm sorry I am cancelling after we haven't seen each other in so long already, see you later, hope you had a good day". Thought about going to one friend's house- no, wait, she has kids, I can't let them see me like this.... I wound up at the other's apartment because she had gone out of town- no guilt on that end, they weren't going to be there tonight, anyway...I spent the night in her son's bed, in his warm-up suit as he is closer to my size than my friend.... I cried... I could not sleep... I could not eat... HAD not eaten that day...got up first thing in the morning... got back in my car... drove to the hiking trails at the creek... walked the trails all day... wound up in the middle of the creek, singing love-gone wrong songs out loud, acapella. Couldn't have named the myriad of feelings flowing over me, through me,if I had tried- which I didn't- seemed like way too much work, and why bother? Because what my therapist wants to hear is how I answered her, "I lived through it, I guess. You know, had ups and downs, but didn't wind up in the hospital."
She nods,pleased, "Great, see? I knew you were ready to go to maintenance therapy. You know how to keep yourself safe now. We'll just meet on a monthly basis, then taper off. Although you know I'll always only be a phone call away."
And I pay the insurance co-pay, dig in my purse for my appointment book, mark down the time- a month from now and leave, still feeling that if life is this much work and never actually feeling any different(neverending CBT put in practice) wouldn't it be so much better if I were dead?
Posted by Jai Narayan on November 12, 2004, at 17:06:02
In reply to Terminating Therapy, posted by sunny10 on November 12, 2004, at 12:41:52
your story is very well told.
Okay you can write.
I am feeling so much as I read it.
Are you safe now?
You need to have a friend who can harbor you when you need it.
My I have been there....way too often. I too have run from a SO that beat me. He wanted to silence me. Grabbed my throat. I know how this is. Please make sure you will have a safe place to rest your head?
Why is this happening to you?
What happened in your life that you have so many SO's that hurt you?
I am deeply concerned.
Jai
Posted by MKB on November 12, 2004, at 17:06:28
In reply to Terminating Therapy, posted by sunny10 on November 12, 2004, at 12:41:52
Hi, Sunny,
I don't know if my answer can stay on this board, but here goes:
My experiences are not the same as yours, but I have felt the same feelings. It's terrible to have nowhere to turn, no one to trust, no one to understand; to want desperately for life to be different and to even pray and seem not to find answers or help. You sound young. I wish I could give you an easy solution. I can't, because I've been stumbling along myself for most of the last 30 years. I don't even know what I want to say, except you sound strong enough to find your way eventually. Don't give up. Have faith in yourself.Being a Christian, I found it hard to understand why God did not change my situation. I finally realized that I had to be responsible for my own defense. I must keep myself safe. I must not stay in an unsafe situation. God did not want me to allow another person to hurt me. It sounds like you already know this.
My own hurts are only lifted when I have strong, loving Christian friends praying for me. I wish that for you and I will pray for you. The love and prayers of Christian friends will make a difference. If you don't know any, call a few churches who have prayer ministries and ask them to pray for you.
I'm reading a book now called, "Safe People" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. Maybe it would help you. You can order it from Amazon.com if you can't find it in a bookstore.
I really believe that prayer can do as much or more good than any other therapy. I hope others will see this and pray for you too.
Posted by Toph on November 14, 2004, at 8:34:10
In reply to Terminating Therapy, posted by sunny10 on November 12, 2004, at 12:41:52
That was great sunny. I was especially caught up in the passage where I wasn't sure if it was reality or your thoughts. I also see my pdoc at night. I caught him nodding off once and he denied it. It is the only time I know he lied on purpose. I should of nailed him on it, but I realized that my life bores me too sometimes.
Hey, isn't "maintenance therapy" an oxymoron?
-Toph
Posted by sunny10 on November 15, 2004, at 15:20:31
In reply to Re: Terminating Therapy, posted by Toph on November 14, 2004, at 8:34:10
I wish I could say I was young- I'm not.
I wish I could say that therapy has helped me be comforatble being me- it hasn't.
My current SO would never physically hurt me. He is trying to understand me. He was a happy child, his parents loved him and showed him love and security. He cannot possibly understand what goes through my head- but at least he understands that. He TRIES not to hurt me- but I constantly hurt HIM because of the way I've learned to "stay safe" (when I perceive pain, hurts, slights, put-downs, character maligning et cetera), which basically means "run away". He knows when he's behaved badly. He is a basically good person. But the relationship takes a lot of work just because of the way I think and the way he thinks (ex-girlfriend baggage.)
I'm just exhausted from the work living takes..
Posted by Toph on November 15, 2004, at 17:12:28
In reply to Re: Terminating Therapy, TO ALL, posted by sunny10 on November 15, 2004, at 15:20:31
For someone who has experienced so much violence from people you care about, running should not be a choice that you should always criticize yourself for, after all, running is what saved you from danger throughout your life. Instead, Sunny, you may want to embrace this behavior and rename it as surviving. Next time you feel the need to run, go as far as necessary to feel safe (physically or emotionally), then you'll decide if and when to return. It sounds like your T and SO will understand.
-Toph
Posted by sunny10 on November 16, 2004, at 9:01:52
In reply to Re: Terminating Therapy » sunny10, posted by Toph on November 15, 2004, at 17:12:28
It's funny, Toph, I DID just have a conversation on Friday evening with my SO about this. He agrees with you! You could have knocked me over with a feather when he said it, but I was apologizing for not "acting like an adult" and sticking around to hash it out. And he told me not to apologize, admitted that he knew he had hurt me, that he understood immediately that I had run- it wasn't like he thought I was just running an errand at first- he kept calling my cell to try to get me to tell him I was all right, but aside from that he said he understood that I would come back home when I felt comfortable enough to do so!
He's really incredibly strong. His baggage is that I scare him because his last girlfriend was a drunk (But I'm not) who wouldn't go into rehab; they broke up because of it. She kept trying to get him back until finally she showed up at a party that he and his housemate were throwing. She walked into his bedroom, pulled out his gun and shot herself. She lived, which is worse, and he has had to deal with the backlash from HER family and friends. You know, the ones who always want to blame someone...
So, yes, he keeps his guns locked up now (yes, they are licensed-legal) FROM ME. Because he has lost the ability to trust people to not hurt him by harming themselves. And maybe he should- I'm not suicidal, but some of the time I still wish I was dead. And I know that our life together will never be "free" until that cabinet is left unlocked and both of us are completely comfortable with that.
Maybe every couple has a physical symbol of their commitment to each other. I just know that that gun box is ours and that right now, it is enough that we can be honest in our communication and each ADMIT why the box is locked. And agree to work together on it.
By the way, I called my T and cancelled my appt with her tomorrow evening. I left the message on her answering machine and said I'd contact her if I need to schedule another appt.-sunny10
Posted by Toph on November 16, 2004, at 10:31:06
In reply to Re: Terminating Therapy » Toph, posted by sunny10 on November 16, 2004, at 9:01:52
Sunny, if you keep this up Bob will surely bump this over to PBP or PBR.
You shared a lot and I probably should reread it a couple times, but two things stand out for me, first, you talk about locking up the guns (believe me, no one with any kind of emotional instability should have guns around), but aren't you really wishing that he'd lock up the memory of his last girlfriend? I can see how she'd be the white elephant in your living room.The other thing is, I get a sense that you really care about this guy from the way you talk about him. IMHO, I'm hoping that you would find a less destrucuive, less violent symbol of your commitment to each other. Anyway, I'm glad that you found a way to get some space when you needed to.
-Toph
Posted by sunny10 on November 16, 2004, at 12:15:05
In reply to Re: Terminating Therapy » sunny10, posted by Toph on November 16, 2004, at 10:31:06
Wow, I wasn't very clear
> Sunny, if you keep this up Bob will surely bump this over to PBP or PBR.
> You shared a lot and I probably should reread it a couple times, but two things stand out for me, first, you talk about locking up the guns (believe me, no one with any kind of emotional instability should have guns around), but aren't you really wishing that he'd lock up the memory of his last girlfriend? I can see how she'd be the white elephant in your living room.
>-------
Actually, I was trying to say that we EACH had our white elephants in the living room- but we don't ignore the elephants. We use them to grow FROM, to grow IN SPITE OF our pasts.
----------
> The other thing is, I get a sense that you really care about this guy from the way you talk about him. IMHO, I'm hoping that you would find a less destrucuive, less violent symbol of your commitment to each other. Anyway, I'm glad that you found a way to get some space when you needed to.
> -Toph
---------The GUN is not the symbol- the LOCK is the symbol.
The very fact that the lock exists signifies that we do not truly trust ourselves or each other fully. We are woking on getting rid of the NEED to have a lock.Guess I'm actually NOT a good writer... sigh... my old 10th grade English teacher told me that I expressed myself better with poetry than prose... Guess my problem is that I feel any RUSH of emotional outpouring can be POETIC.
To refer to another thread, emotional outpouring can be beauty....
Posted by sunny10 on November 16, 2004, at 15:28:39
In reply to Re: Terminating Therapy » Toph, posted by sunny10 on November 16, 2004, at 12:15:05
It's done...T called back, was happy. Said I had learned all I was going to and I agreed...
Posted by Toph on November 16, 2004, at 15:48:24
In reply to Re: Terminating Therapy » Toph, posted by sunny10 on November 16, 2004, at 12:15:05
>
> Guess I'm actually NOT a good writer... sigh...Guess I'm not a good analyst. You were very clear. Sorry I missed the mark.
Posted by sunny10 on November 17, 2004, at 8:35:27
In reply to Re: Terminating Therapy, posted by Toph on November 16, 2004, at 15:48:24
part of my love of poetry and prose is that it's SUPPOSED to have more than one meaning. It's supposed to bring out something of the reader when a piece is read.
I shall rejoice by pretending that you think my work is as worthy of discussion as that of e e cummings!
No fault, no fail...
I can't even remember where the mental image comes from, but I thought a "Toph" was thick-skinned... Am I remembering the reference correctly? It is just sort of flitting at the edge of my subconscious. My older brother was into D & D, my best friend (as a teen) got me into McCaffrey, Brooks, Piers Anthony, et cetera... but the exact reference escapes my consciousness.
This is the end of the thread.
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