Posted by sunny10 on November 12, 2004, at 12:41:52
I'm sitting on a hard chair with hard little arms in the waiting room, flipping through a magazine.
The door opens, "ok, sunny, your turn- come on in" she says, with a gesture and a small, tired smile. I have to come in for evening hours, because I've got a job to keep. T is understandably tired- it is late. My work hours are finished, but her's are not. The first compromise in therapy- either I come in during regular office hours, and receive therapy from a bright, alert T, or I hold down a job and come after hours, my T tired and barely able to keep herself motivated through the session.
I realize two things. First, I am able to realistically assess that she is tired for reasons that have nothing to do with how difficult I am. Second, that because I can think rationally right now, thanks to T, she is no longer helping me to grow emotionally.
"T," I say, "you look tired. You just got back from a vacation. Wasn't it long enough?"
"Ah, they never are," she sighes, then straightens, "but we're not here to talk about me, we're here to talk about you. How have you been in the month since we last spoke?"
I pause before I respond, during which a kaleidescope of images pour through my head.
Running out of the house in a panic, my SO had used drugs the night before and I had found the proof of it while he was sleeping- Didn't know where to go- confrontation out of the question. My father had beat me in the past, my ex-husband humiliated me in public and in private, an ex-fiance had beaten me (once)- I don't much like to confront people with things they don't want to hear. I run.
I had left, with just the clothes on my back and my purse, I didn't know how to get home. I cried copiously in my car. I drove first in one direction, changed my mind, drove in a different direction. Made two phone calls to friends I was supposed to meet that night, left messages, "no, I won't be going to listen to the band, after all, I'm sorry I am cancelling after we haven't seen each other in so long already, see you later, hope you had a good day". Thought about going to one friend's house- no, wait, she has kids, I can't let them see me like this.... I wound up at the other's apartment because she had gone out of town- no guilt on that end, they weren't going to be there tonight, anyway...I spent the night in her son's bed, in his warm-up suit as he is closer to my size than my friend.... I cried... I could not sleep... I could not eat... HAD not eaten that day...got up first thing in the morning... got back in my car... drove to the hiking trails at the creek... walked the trails all day... wound up in the middle of the creek, singing love-gone wrong songs out loud, acapella. Couldn't have named the myriad of feelings flowing over me, through me,if I had tried- which I didn't- seemed like way too much work, and why bother? Because what my therapist wants to hear is how I answered her, "I lived through it, I guess. You know, had ups and downs, but didn't wind up in the hospital."
She nods,pleased, "Great, see? I knew you were ready to go to maintenance therapy. You know how to keep yourself safe now. We'll just meet on a monthly basis, then taper off. Although you know I'll always only be a phone call away."
And I pay the insurance co-pay, dig in my purse for my appointment book, mark down the time- a month from now and leave, still feeling that if life is this much work and never actually feeling any different(neverending CBT put in practice) wouldn't it be so much better if I were dead?
poster:sunny10
thread:415047
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20040925/msgs/415047.html