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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Jai Narayan on September 5, 2004, at 8:10:30
I wouldn't have married Bill if he'd remained a drunk.
"The doctor made me promise to quit drinking and seeing the blood in my urine is enough for me. My god, the doctor stuck his finger up my butt. He thinks it's an infection and gave me antibiotics," Bill whispered to me as I picked out my wedding ring.
"I think I want this big one," I said, "the setting’s elegant and plain."
"I'm not sure if I can quit drinking alone," he said, "do you think you could give up with me?"I weighed my attachment to getting drunk as I slipped the ring on my finger.I only did it to get high, I've always hated the taste. It might be a relief.
"Sure, what-the-hell, I'll quit with you."
I contemplated the diamond, it sparkled so much but I saw a dark spot deep inside the stone.
"What's this dark thing in there?"
The jeweler brought over his magnifying glass.
"If you look through this glass you'll see it's a flaw. This ring would be three times the cost without it. It's a half carat stone."
A flaw in the diamond! Bill's last name translated meant flaw.
I hesitated, held my hand out and watched how it sparkled then said, "Okay, okay I want the ring."
Posted by Atticus on September 5, 2004, at 22:20:00
In reply to part 2, posted by Jai Narayan on September 5, 2004, at 8:10:30
Hi Jai,
Here's a few thoughts, for what they're worth.
I really like the juxtaposition of what the average person expects to be a very romantic moment with Bill's comment about the doc's finger up his butt. It's funny, but believable, and the deliberate inconguity of the dialogue with the selection of an engagement ring works wonderfully.
My only suggestions have to do with how this story would be presented in final form and one particular line.
If this is meant to be one flowing piece when it's finished, I think you need a transition between the cooking of the meat in Part 1 and the opening of Part 2. This could be easily accomplished by having your narrator recall the conversation in Part 2 while physically cooking the meat in Part 1. You have already ended part one with a narrator's rumination that suggests trouble on the horizon, so the first step in the link is already there. However, if this is meant to be broken into sections as it is, then forget what I just said.
The only line I'd think about losing is "A flaw in the diamond! Bill's last name translated meant flaw." It just seems to overstate what the reader should be able to surmise from what you've written elsewhere in Part 2. This marriage is going to contain a flaw that is symbolized by the diamond's, but the narrator goes ahead with the purchase anyway, and as a reader, I'm already thinking, "Uh-oh." The tension established in Part 1 continues to build in Part 2, and Bill's introductory dialogue does an effective job of establishing the way he thinks very quickly. To accomplish this with such brevity and with action, spoken dialogue, is very nice writing. Hope that's helpful! Ta. ;) Atticus, fellow scribbler
Posted by Jai Narayan on September 5, 2004, at 22:48:36
In reply to Re: part 2 » Jai Narayan, posted by Atticus on September 5, 2004, at 22:20:00
Posted by Atticus on September 6, 2004, at 21:29:43
In reply to food for thought Atticus....thanks (nm), posted by Jai Narayan on September 5, 2004, at 22:48:36
Hi Jai,
I just want to be clear that the kind of constructive evaluation I offered on Part 2 is what you're seeking. If I overstepped any lines in expressing my thoughts about potential ways to go with the piece, I apologize; I thought that's what you had asked of me, but maybe I misinterpreted your request. It's a very successful piece of prose writing. But as I said during our discussion of "Hungry Pavement," there are things I would do differently with that story, given another chance. That's always what I was taught and what I believe: writing is process. And besides, as far as editors go, I'm no Theodore Dreiser; I could always be wrong. Ta. :) Atticus
Posted by Jai Narayan on September 7, 2004, at 8:00:52
In reply to Re: food for thought Atticus....thanks » Jai Narayan, posted by Atticus on September 6, 2004, at 21:29:43
Atticus, your comments are good and needed. I have found myself frozen up right now.
I am baffled by it.
I can make small conversations on every board but I can't seem to make writing contributions.
I am unclear about how to proceed.
I can't seem to budge???
I have been totally appreciating all the poems and comments.
I have to explore what's happening to me.
Maybe with you and Maltus....
I feel a little out of my league?
I'm guessing.
You both are so good and well....
Jai Narayan with her ego deflating at a frightening speed
Posted by Atticus on September 7, 2004, at 9:30:26
In reply to Re: food for thought Atticus....thanks, posted by Jai Narayan on September 7, 2004, at 8:00:52
Sweet Jai,
OK, time to patch up that deflating ego right now. Because it shouldn't be deflating at all. Your first two parts to your prose story are quite good. Just take your time with it, and above all, try to enjoy crafting the writing as much as possible. This isn't a contest by any means. Just write the piece (or any other) at your own speed. Malthus and I both greatly value your commentary and support (speaking of which, what do you think of my new poem? I'd love to know -- your feedback is extremely important to me). We can talk (either on Social or by e-mail) about anything you want. Please don't feel obligated to write anything until you feel you want to do it. It's not like me grinding out copy for my daily bread at the university; there, I have no choice. Just be part of the Malthus/Jai/Atticus trio. We want you there. We need you there. I've been concerned because I haven't heard from you, and I always look forward to reading your responses to my poems. Just be Jai. When the time to write arrives, you'll know it. You'll just feel it. But forcing it just never works when it comes to creative pieces. So please relax, have a cup of tea, and let me know what you think of "Edge of the Atmosphere's Sapphire Arc." Talking with you about a piece (and anything else that comes into our heads) is an important part of the fun of writing and posting these poems for me. You've tackled some very heavy-duty, complex human emotions in Part 1 and Part 2 of your story. It's very rich stuff, but may seem daunting to write because you're trying to say something so big. Just think of it in terms of one little installment at a time, and put them out whenever you feel like it. If I'd tried to tackle all the autobiographical things that I've spread out over about 30 poems on PB in one fell swoop, I'd have frozen up, too. And anyway, I just plain enjoy your virtual company. Just keep telling yourself: It's all good. You're among friends. And pat yourself on the back for those first two parts. If it takes a while for Part 3 to take shape, well, I'll still be here waiting. Ta, kiddo. ;) Atticus
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