Posted by Atticus on September 5, 2004, at 22:20:00
In reply to part 2, posted by Jai Narayan on September 5, 2004, at 8:10:30
Hi Jai,
Here's a few thoughts, for what they're worth.
I really like the juxtaposition of what the average person expects to be a very romantic moment with Bill's comment about the doc's finger up his butt. It's funny, but believable, and the deliberate inconguity of the dialogue with the selection of an engagement ring works wonderfully.
My only suggestions have to do with how this story would be presented in final form and one particular line.
If this is meant to be one flowing piece when it's finished, I think you need a transition between the cooking of the meat in Part 1 and the opening of Part 2. This could be easily accomplished by having your narrator recall the conversation in Part 2 while physically cooking the meat in Part 1. You have already ended part one with a narrator's rumination that suggests trouble on the horizon, so the first step in the link is already there. However, if this is meant to be broken into sections as it is, then forget what I just said.
The only line I'd think about losing is "A flaw in the diamond! Bill's last name translated meant flaw." It just seems to overstate what the reader should be able to surmise from what you've written elsewhere in Part 2. This marriage is going to contain a flaw that is symbolized by the diamond's, but the narrator goes ahead with the purchase anyway, and as a reader, I'm already thinking, "Uh-oh." The tension established in Part 1 continues to build in Part 2, and Bill's introductory dialogue does an effective job of establishing the way he thinks very quickly. To accomplish this with such brevity and with action, spoken dialogue, is very nice writing. Hope that's helpful! Ta. ;) Atticus, fellow scribbler
poster:Atticus
thread:386604
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20040828/msgs/386880.html