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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Jai Narayan on September 4, 2004, at 8:48:16
This is the beginning of my story. I would like feedback. It's set in 1971
I pulled myself away from the bruising sun. The screen door slammed behind me as I opened the refrigerator and reached in for the porter house steak. My body felt deliciously warm next to the cool ice box air. I peeled back the red, white and blue striped bikini I had on to see the pale line of unexposed skin. I had quite a burn but I liked that feeling, so hot and tingly. I liked slipping between the cool sheets at night with my body all warm and glowing from the sun. I felt like a banked fire. A cooker.
I carried the meat out to the tiny second floor porch and threw it onto the grill. The coals sputtered and spit the blood back at me all hot and mean. I jumped. I hated cooking meat. Ever since I went with my collage art class to the local slaughter house and watched the cows get plugged by the air gun and fall to the floor stunned while vomiting green slime, I just couldn't look at cow meat and salivate.
But my new husband would be real happy with this dinner, he loved meat. He would come home exhausted from working at his Daddy's construction company and want a hardy meal.
Jai Narayan
Posted by Atticus on September 4, 2004, at 19:32:33
In reply to part one, posted by Jai Narayan on September 4, 2004, at 8:48:16
You're off to a very intriguing start. You've already foreshadowed the potential for dark things to come down the line in the second and third paragraphs without being obvious, simply weaving them into your narrator's actions and letting the reader feel a subconscious twinge of discomfort, even if he or she isn't exactly certain why. We move from a gentle summer scene of sunbathing to a recollection of acts of brutal violence, but they're recounted as simple fact with a nice understated quality. The image of those cows dropping and vomiting green slime, of the cooking meat spitting blood back at your narrator in an almost vengeful, accusatory way, seem to presage the possibility of domestic violence. And whether it comes in this story or not, that sense of something ominous and savage lurking just out of the readers' sight is a great hook to pull them deeper into the story. And I say domestic violence because your narrator is being forced to do something that revolts her in order to please her husband. So there's tension in paragraph three, too: a sense of "He wants it, so he better get it. Or else." I get the feeling that if the narrator didn't do this, there'd be hell to pay. I don't know where this is leading, but you've got a good strong hook that both acts as an establishing set piece and presages the possibilities of what will follow. I think it works well. :) Atticus, who always carries mostly red ballpoint pens all day long, the better to mark up copy
Posted by Jai Narayan on September 4, 2004, at 19:48:26
In reply to Re: part one » Jai Narayan, posted by Atticus on September 4, 2004, at 19:32:33
Thank you Atticus, your usual brilliant self.
Now I'm worried about the next part. I knew the start was good but .....but...but.
this where I get worried.
Thank you for your insight and reflection.
This is a story about my husband who has recently died. I guess I'd like to work on this story as....oh I don't know. But you know how it goes when you take a story and rewrite you can lose the tone and voice.
It's so hard to see in my own work....so easy in someone elses.
So, I may be timid to put up the next part.
Jai Narayan hiding behind 3 feet of rewrite copy.
Posted by Atticus on September 4, 2004, at 22:06:34
In reply to Re: part one, posted by Jai Narayan on September 4, 2004, at 19:48:26
Well, you can always float excerpts and rough ideas past me via the Poets' Underground. That way you don't have to be the least bit nervous about showing a work in progress on a Web site, and you'll get nothing but support and encouragement. Just include the work as a Word attachment if you don't want to rekey it (nothing newer than Word 2000, though). Fear nothing! We are of fine Atlantean stock, and with our words shall bestride the world like colossi! And ... and stuff like that. ;) Atticus, whose new motto is "Subversion through verse"
Posted by Jai Narayan on September 5, 2004, at 8:04:10
In reply to Re: part one » Jai Narayan, posted by Atticus on September 4, 2004, at 22:06:34
How do I do this?
I have the next installment so here goes here but it would be wonderful to be on the other site.
Thank you thank you.....
let's see how do you say thank you in spanish....or german...
enough.
help me to do this.
Jai Narayan who is trembling on the brink of a new site....sight?
Posted by Atticus on September 5, 2004, at 21:50:37
In reply to really?, posted by Jai Narayan on September 5, 2004, at 8:04:10
Hi Jai,
I'll get to reading Part 2 in a second. But my philosophy is writing is more process than final product. I had a really great journalism prof once in college, who was an absolutely terrific writer. He would say, "I hate writing, but I love having written." He was an old-school, cigar-chomping tough-guy NYC reporter right out of central casting, and I loved his class. Even after 40 years in the biz, meeting deadlines and turning out gems, he still found writing good stuff a challenge. Most of the time I do, too. So my philosophy is, just put your work out there, and if they cheer, fine. If they jeer, the hell with 'em; who asked 'em, anyway? Just as long as I'm satisfied with a piece. ;) Atticus
Posted by Jai Narayan on September 5, 2004, at 22:46:08
In reply to Re: really? » Jai Narayan, posted by Atticus on September 5, 2004, at 21:50:37
This is the end of the thread.
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