Posted by Atticus on September 4, 2004, at 19:32:33
In reply to part one, posted by Jai Narayan on September 4, 2004, at 8:48:16
You're off to a very intriguing start. You've already foreshadowed the potential for dark things to come down the line in the second and third paragraphs without being obvious, simply weaving them into your narrator's actions and letting the reader feel a subconscious twinge of discomfort, even if he or she isn't exactly certain why. We move from a gentle summer scene of sunbathing to a recollection of acts of brutal violence, but they're recounted as simple fact with a nice understated quality. The image of those cows dropping and vomiting green slime, of the cooking meat spitting blood back at your narrator in an almost vengeful, accusatory way, seem to presage the possibility of domestic violence. And whether it comes in this story or not, that sense of something ominous and savage lurking just out of the readers' sight is a great hook to pull them deeper into the story. And I say domestic violence because your narrator is being forced to do something that revolts her in order to please her husband. So there's tension in paragraph three, too: a sense of "He wants it, so he better get it. Or else." I get the feeling that if the narrator didn't do this, there'd be hell to pay. I don't know where this is leading, but you've got a good strong hook that both acts as an establishing set piece and presages the possibilities of what will follow. I think it works well. :) Atticus, who always carries mostly red ballpoint pens all day long, the better to mark up copy
poster:Atticus
thread:386302
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20040828/msgs/386472.html