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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by holymama on May 21, 2004, at 21:07:10
What to call this new depression that comes at me like the eye of a violent storm? It is not the depression I once thought I knew so well, the bittersweet melancholy of my younger years. In those milder days I would sit, sulk, turn sour. And then it would pass, as easily as it came. "I'm a better person because of it" I would say. "I was getting too arrogant."
This is something different. An entirely different beast. One that attacks from behind, when I'm not expecting it. After a few blissful days it grabs me by the ankle and pulls me down a steep cliff; keeps pulling and pulling, as I grab hold of anything I can get my hands on, as I gasp for breath. "hold on, hold on" I tell myself, "be stronger than this thing." It pulls me deeper, and I can't see light.
It speaks too, this beast. It whispers in my ear that I am useless like this, that I will never recover, that I am not strong enough to survive. It seduces me, soothes me into thinking about death. I can feel it hold me and gently wipe the hair from my face. "the bottle of pills". "when the children are out of the house." "drive away, plug the exhaust, and I will sweetly take you away". And sometimes more severely it speaks to me, when I am driving in tears and it orders me to swerve into the other lane. It is always there, when I am like that.
How to live with this evil thing always behind, peering over my shoulder, waiting for the right time to take me down? Will I survive the next match? What do I even call this thing; this thing I am fighting that noone else can see? "Depression" doesn't touch the tip of it. It is torment, madness, hell.
Posted by Jai Narayan on May 23, 2004, at 8:33:18
In reply to My fight **caution may trigger**, posted by holymama on May 21, 2004, at 21:07:10
holymama, Your description of this beast is done so well that it pulled me into understanding what you must be up against.
Questions I would ask:
1. Do you find there is a trigger that comes right before it appears?
2. Do you have food, drug, seasonal allergies?
3. Do you keep a diary of each episode?The place where it gets real important is right before the depression hits.....see if there is something that happens that can give you a hint as to what is triggering this depression.
I used to get migraines and this was the only way I could find out what brought them on. I turned out to have lots of allergies. If I ate an orange...within 1/2 hour I would have a full blown migraine. These headachs lasted for a week. With way too much pain.
I hope these suggestions are of some help. Good luck and I am impressed with your writing skill.
Posted by holymama on May 23, 2004, at 12:43:13
In reply to Re: My fight **caution may trigger**, posted by Jai Narayan on May 23, 2004, at 8:33:18
HI Jai,
I don't know if we've met before, but I've seen your optimism and spirituality in your writings to other people, and I've always wanted to be in touch.
Thank you for the ideas and the compliment. I need to survive this thing; I want to ! I have three beautiful children and an amazing husband that I would put up against any other; hopes and an exciting future. I am not a bitter, defeated person. If I am suicidal it is because of the illness, and I am mad about that right now. Thank you for the suggestions, I will consider them in my journal.
~~Autumn~~
Posted by Jai Narayan on May 25, 2004, at 9:01:40
In reply to Re: My fight » Jai Narayan, posted by holymama on May 23, 2004, at 12:43:13
> HI Jai,
>
> I don't know if we've met before, but I've seen your optimism and spirituality in your writings to other people, and I've always wanted to be in touch.
>
***Hi ~~Autumn~~
I too have read your posts and admired your energy and kindness. It's so nice to say good morning.
> If I am suicidal it is because of the illness, and I am mad about that right now.***I was suicidal for a good portion of my life and it seems quite a challenge to over come that lure. I got caught up in the thinking that I would never be happy again and all I would feel was pain...so the lure of suicide. But my life has changed with time, lots of therapy...about 40years of it, and I have finally come out of the dazzle of that solution to my pain.
I don't know how other people have gotten over having that solution as a choice.
I would be curious.
It took me a lot of work and time.
>Thank you for the suggestions, I will consider them in my journal.
>
> ~~Autumn~~***Good luck and it sounds like you love your family. That can keep you strong.
Jai Narayan
Posted by fayeroe on June 3, 2004, at 7:14:14
In reply to My fight **caution may trigger**, posted by holymama on May 21, 2004, at 21:07:10
holymama~~~~I've read a lot of stuff but your piece says it totally to me. I feel useless because "he" is riding on my shoulder at times and whispering so smooth into my ear........thank you for your writing...xoxo pat
Posted by holymama on June 7, 2004, at 11:13:20
In reply to Re: My fight **caution may trigger** » holymama, posted by fayeroe on June 3, 2004, at 7:14:14
Thank you Pat, and nice to meet you. I've just gotten out of the hospital, after spending 6 days there, trying to get rid of 'the beast'. I feel better, but of course if takes time to heal. I wonder how many people fully recover from a nervous breakdown, major depression, and severe mood swings. I wonder if I will be back to my old self. And what is my old self? I think it's gone. I no longer can connect to old friends, now that I've had 3 nervous brekdowns, 1 hospitalization, suicidal depressions, a mania where I felt like a prophet, so close to God. And all in the course of 1 year. I don't know who I am now.
~Autumn~
Posted by fayeroe on June 7, 2004, at 18:47:46
In reply to Re: My fight, posted by holymama on June 7, 2004, at 11:13:20
I think the fact that you went to the hospital for treatment is an indication of your spirit. It is slow going after something like you've been through. But I think you'll get there. Do you not have any friends that you can reach out to? Someone perhaps that has had similar problems? I know that I can't talk about depression to anyone that hasn't been there. They just don't understand. I am thinking of you and praying that you'll find the peace that you're seeking. I think you'll return to your old self, somewhat altered, but better!!
Posted by Jai Narayan on June 7, 2004, at 20:56:25
In reply to Re: My fight » holymama, posted by fayeroe on June 7, 2004, at 18:47:46
I know we all celebrate your coming out of the hospital.
God knows the hospital can be a hard place but a healing place for you as well.
I just want you to know it takes a longtime to heal....you need a lot of rest.
This is a sensitive time for you.
We are here and we care about you.
Please feel comfortable with us....we are your PB family. We do understand and have so much compassion for you.
I have lived through so many of these experiences with my mother and sister.
We can wait and be there for you.
We do love you.
You can rest easy with that.
Posted by holymama on June 9, 2004, at 12:25:37
In reply to welcome home holymama, posted by Jai Narayan on June 7, 2004, at 20:56:25
Thank you, and I am glad that there are some people who understand. Mental illness, and the process of recovery from a 'nervous breakdown', whatever that means, is a hard thing to navigate your way through when there are no maps. Noone talks about it, doctors don't know what to say about it. In that way I feel as though I am living in a not so civilized past.
I believe that everyones' story needs to be told, that each persons' experience of life is of equal importance. To write off the experience of breaking down and of all that means would be a great mistake, I believe.
My friend, an anthropologist and professor of womens' studies, has a book for me to read. I can't remember the name of it and from what she said, it is not a well known book, just one she thinks I need to read. It's a book written about the future, and in this vision of the future, people who 'break down' are honored. They are said to be extrememly sensitive souls who need to take a break now and then from the world that is so overwhelming to their sensitive systems. I think there is some truth to that. I feel the person I am now, after a few nervous breakdowns, is someone much wiser and sensitive, more compassionate and aware than the person I was before, and much more so than the average person.
Posted by fayeroe on June 9, 2004, at 13:01:34
In reply to Re: welcome home holymama, posted by holymama on June 9, 2004, at 12:25:37
Holymama, you're special and very much loved by this group of people. I agree that there is greater sensitivity among those of us who struggle with staying afloat. I support you!!
This is the end of the thread.
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