Posted by holymama on May 21, 2004, at 21:07:10
What to call this new depression that comes at me like the eye of a violent storm? It is not the depression I once thought I knew so well, the bittersweet melancholy of my younger years. In those milder days I would sit, sulk, turn sour. And then it would pass, as easily as it came. "I'm a better person because of it" I would say. "I was getting too arrogant."
This is something different. An entirely different beast. One that attacks from behind, when I'm not expecting it. After a few blissful days it grabs me by the ankle and pulls me down a steep cliff; keeps pulling and pulling, as I grab hold of anything I can get my hands on, as I gasp for breath. "hold on, hold on" I tell myself, "be stronger than this thing." It pulls me deeper, and I can't see light.
It speaks too, this beast. It whispers in my ear that I am useless like this, that I will never recover, that I am not strong enough to survive. It seduces me, soothes me into thinking about death. I can feel it hold me and gently wipe the hair from my face. "the bottle of pills". "when the children are out of the house." "drive away, plug the exhaust, and I will sweetly take you away". And sometimes more severely it speaks to me, when I am driving in tears and it orders me to swerve into the other lane. It is always there, when I am like that.
How to live with this evil thing always behind, peering over my shoulder, waiting for the right time to take me down? Will I survive the next match? What do I even call this thing; this thing I am fighting that noone else can see? "Depression" doesn't touch the tip of it. It is torment, madness, hell.
poster:holymama
thread:349392
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20040320/msgs/349392.html