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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by inja on April 13, 2006, at 11:15:58
i am new to psycho babble, but am finding my way around and folks have been real nice and supportive. i totally appreciate this!
i know, my subject line was stupid, but i just didn't have a clue as to what to put there. beware this is a long post, though.
anyway, i am almost 50, spent most of my adult life with an abuser of many varieties. i drank like a freakin' fish just to cope. finally, after i got busted for forging a scrip (i worked in a psychiatrists office - talk about temptation in a candy store!), my therapist (then, not now-she has since passed) suggested AA. (a really GOOD 12 step program for those who want it).
ok. so i went. and you know what? i never looked back. for thirteen years i stayed sober. i wasn't "clean" as i had a severe accident that required back surgery which left me with Chronic Pain due to "Failed Back Surgery", and i had to take serious medication (oxy-contin, morphine sulfate, methadone-jeepers, a lot of stuff). I also suffer from Chronic Fatique Syndrome as well as Ankylosing spondylitis, and RSD (Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy) the hard thing is that they are “invisible” disabilities (to the eye).
anyway, my husband told me that I HAD TO GO, because i was "easier to handle when i drank".
so, ok. i'm outta there. i had 2 nervous breakdowns requiring hospitalization, and a 3rd mini breakdown where i went to a safe house (safe from me). i had to retire from my state job as disabled due to physical and mental problems. thus i am retired, and receive a small check every month (not SSI or SSDI, just from my employer).
2 years after my husband threw me out, i went on a date. i was asked if i'd like a glass of wine, and i said "sure". after that, i didn't have another drink until maybe 8 months later. i didn't desire it, nor crave a drink. i just went about life, so to speak.
i now have a glass of wine maybe 2x a week (MAX), just to be social. its not every week though. AND i never take meds if i had anything to drink.
i truly believe that i was an alcoholic when living with my 2nd husband (the one who threw me out. the first one I THREW OUT as i found out he was sexually abusing our 2 children).
i am now truly blessed as i have found the love of my life, and we were married last August. like i said, i do have a glass of wine on occasions, and when in a group i might even have a mixed drink. but i can honestly say, i am not an alcoholic anymore.
thing is though, while in AA, their attitude (and who knows, maybe they're right) is once an alkie, always an alkie. i don't drink alcoholically today, but who knows, i may in time.
this is the thing. i prefer herb to alcohol AND the narcotics. due to the chronic back pain (and believe me when i tell you, i have just about had or gone thru every back rehab program their is - even prolotherapy, cortocoid injections, behavior modification, acupunture...ad infinitum) i take a LOT of narcotics. but even with a lot of fiber, it "bungs" me up. so, i prefer herb. i am much like a human barometer. when the weather changes (cold, wind, etc. or just a quick drop or rise in the barometric pressure)my pain doubles.
it helps me tremendously with pain, attitude, etc. i can "join the world" not in a state of narcotic stupor. please bear in mind that when i say i prefer the herb, i do not over indulge. i only take enough to take the edge off. a small amount last me for months. i am fortunate too as my husband (heading into 60) is totally supportive and very understanding. again, i am truly blessed.
i realize that perhaps its dangerous to make this post. but if i am to join you here, i need to be honest and straightforward as best as i can. the sad thing for me is, i cannot be this honest with my therapist and my physician. it'd be ALL over for me, if they knew. they'd slap my a** in rehab.
my state has passed a medicinal herb law, but it's still considered illegal. the way the law was written is really weird.
so. here i am. i am new, and this is part of my story. hope i didn't pi** anyone off. i just wanted to introduce myself to this thread.
hope everyone has pain free day...
Posted by inja on April 13, 2006, at 11:35:12
In reply to so much pain the drugs that help (may trigger), posted by inja on April 13, 2006, at 11:15:58
i should have read the previous posts before adding mine. good lord, i am SO sorry. i should have NEVER posted that.
i know how it feels when you 1st stop drinking and drugging. the 1st 9 months were a BITCH. but it does get better. though i have the occasional drink now, i can say with all honesty, sobriety IS DO-ABLE.
as an aside, while working my sobriety, i found a website that was more helpful to me than most meetings, AND i had the pleasure of meeting some of them face to face after a few years. the website is: Friends in Recovoery (FIR) @
http://www.friendsinrecovery.org/forum/again, my most sincere pologies. i wish for that everyone who is ready, hit bottom or whatever, keep on keepin' on, because it DOES get better. (strange sounding to me as it is comming from someone who has the occasional drink and have herb preference). but that's ok, because this is me, for now.
Posted by ClearSkies on April 13, 2006, at 20:03:22
In reply to i'm so sorry...... » inja, posted by inja on April 13, 2006, at 11:35:12
This board is for everything having to do with substances that aren't prescribed - not just for those who are having difficulties with them.
It was suggested to me by a T (a not very good one, though) that I might be able to drink one day. That may be true, although having read the article that Pseudoname linked to makes me think differently. Plus the way I've felt when I've relapsed makes me certain that my circuits are messed up for good. Straight into blackout, no pleasure on the way there. Big bummer.
But I say - whatever works. I took xanax for 2 years without the dosage going above 1.5 mg/day. I too didn't take it if I'd had a drink. I've always wanted to wake up. And I managed to taper off with less withdrawal than I ever had from alcohol. I really didn't like how the effects of the xanax left me feeling as badly as before when they'd worn off.
Anyway, rest assured that your post is fine, and in the right place.
Posted by Declan on April 13, 2006, at 20:41:47
In reply to i'm so sorry...... » inja, posted by inja on April 13, 2006, at 11:35:12
Hey, don't worry, Inja. This is the Substance Use board. You can be absolutely frank here. The only worry is that everything that is written here is archived forever. How can we have decent conversations when we cannot remain true to ourselves? I think your initial post was quite appropriate. I often worry (when posting about something in the past especially) that the complexities of my situation will be lost through the limitations of the medium here. Not to speak of getting the tone across clearly.
Anyway I don't see why I should have to wrap every questionable action in a reassuring moral homily. We are what we are.
I hope you can feel at home here.
Declan
Posted by inja on April 14, 2006, at 5:36:35
In reply to There's no need to be sorry! » inja, posted by ClearSkies on April 13, 2006, at 20:03:22
once again, thank you for making me feel welcome, and as well, to assure me that i had not made a horrible gaff or indescretion.
CS, it's funny (not ha-ha funny) that you mention Xanax. Xanax was my personal choice of drug to use and abuse. without going into the nitty gritty as to who what why where and when, suffice it to say that i got hooked on it after my mum died. we were quite close, and though her quality of life was not what it used to be (she was 52 when she died), she was FAR from death's door.
my father, my main family predator(s), (he knocked me up at age 14, and we went to Miami for an illegal abortion. after that, he left me alone. mum never knew). what i mean to say is that in an alcoholic black out (his - altho he did say he remembered telling me and "oh god, did you call the cops?")he admitted to smothering my mom with a pillow. said it was the "kindest thing he could do for her".
they were separated at the time, and i was working 2 full time jobs, raising 2 children 18 months apart, and taking care of my mom. well, obviously i failed miserabaly in THAT department because i had taken the children to the beach that day, and when i came home it was "mummy's gone; she collapsed. i did everything i could". yada-yada.
back to the Xanax.... that was the drug i started taking after mum died, and didn't stop for a very long tine. when i worked at the psych's office, i got busted for writing a fake scrip. i was buying it from 4 different pharmacists in four different counties(this was long before the pharmacies all got hooked up together to keep track of folks like i was). i made a mistake on the scrip, they called the dr. i ran home, and sat on my front porch waiting for the DEA to show up.
well, God love 'em... they did show. and once they got a look at me, they realized i wasn't selling. i was using. a LOT. up to (i know, its hard to believe, but trust me when i say you get acclimated very quick and need more and more just to "maintain", not to get high) 750 milligrams a WEEK. i was 5'10, and weighed 112. i looked like a concentration camp survivor. that is when my former T talked to me about AA and/or NA. and that's when i stopped using and abusing drugs and alcohol.
so... again, i say a big thanks to you for your kindness in stating that i did wrong. i am amazed at the feeling of comradeship here on psycho-babble.
i know my post is long, and i am sorry to run on like this.... but it just feels so good to "get it out", you know?
Posted by inja on April 14, 2006, at 5:41:52
In reply to No need to be, posted by Declan on April 13, 2006, at 20:41:47
i thank you as well. and truthfully, you've brought up a couple of questions that are worth mulling over (for me). i am told that even bloggers are examined for content and information.
the only other way to access this board or other sites, with total freedom (not recording where you've been, what your IP addresss is, etc.)is to use http://www.anonymouse.org. i don't use it here, but i have in other places.
thanks again to everyone, for their support.
Posted by Festus on April 21, 2006, at 2:06:33
In reply to and thank you too... » Declan, posted by inja on April 14, 2006, at 5:41:52
Hello and Welcome,Inja,
Not only was your post heart-wrenching,but the apology you posted before anyone even had replied,suggested that you'd been treated to feel inadequate or "a bad girl" or some type of mental and/or physical abuse.Our situations run together,nearly just alike.I started drinking in the mid-teen years,just some beer and a cig to puff on,so to "fit in" with the guys.When my Father died,suddenly,at 44,I went into a drunken,drug-filled life of crap.I quit all alcohol 18 years ago,but.like you,I got hurt.Then,hurt again,and again,till I ended up at the Pain Clinic,all the shots and procedures,Opiates Galore for the next 18 years,plus they finally diagnosed ADD(Folks had thought I had it since boyhood),so here come the Dexies,Xanax,Prozac,Restoril,uuhhhhgggg!!!
A year ago,I was talking to another CP,er at a Dr.app.He'd lost a leg and hurt terribly.He was on 720-800mg of Oxycontin,daily,plus 30mg Roxicodone for BT,4-6 a day.At higher doses,it's a well-known fact,that many users experience adverse pain control,where you begin to ache in the joints,low back,feeling stiff and sore a lot,ankles swell,it happens.He smoked Weed and it helped him cut back to 240 mg of Oxy a day,and NO BT meds.I had not smoked in 10 years.I was switched from Oxy (600-720mg daily) to Methadone (100-120mg a day),when I began getting all those nasty Oxy side-effects.I hated the mental fog it produced and wanted to get lower on the dose,so I started back on the Weed and,WOW,did it help!Today,I'm down to 15-17.5 mg daily,and doing all kinds of stuff to try and feel "Cleansed" and in shape.If you are "of the Faith",simply refer to Genesis 1:vs.29,30.It don't get much clearer than what God told the first Humans about what was theirs to use to sustain themselves.It does say "EVERY herb or seed-bearing plant".Case closed.When a person becomes an MD,they must swear an oath to do whatever needed to comfort a Patient,s distress or discomfort,yet,they will bearly give out Darvocet for them that hurt.go to a Pain Doc that has a big painting of a Poppy Patch in the Waiting Room. The caption says "God's Healing Flower".These Dr.,s are getting more and more scarce,these days,cause most of em are afraid of getting scolded by the DEA,so they ignore their oath.Many are forced into "self-medicating",because there is nothing left for them to do inorder to obtain relief.
Inja,as much "Bad" as you have been subjected to,you seem to be pretty much holding your own,despite the tragic life that was once yours.Bless you and your family,stay optomistic and focus on making your life Happy and Prosperous.We only get one chance,make it count.I sure think Ya will.Festus
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 4, 2006, at 8:06:41
In reply to so much pain the drugs that help (may trigger), posted by inja on April 13, 2006, at 11:15:58
Welcome, inja. I was blocked when you posted this, so I'm a little late responding. Your medical history is very similar to mine, and so is your discovery that herb changed everything. I use an oral delivery product. I don't smoke it, unless I just had a wicked pain spike. My first day of using it, it just felt like some great hand started turning a knob that took something from zero to ten. From off to on, but gradually, ya know? Reversed a bad trend, but I still have a long way to go.
Lar
Posted by inja on May 8, 2006, at 10:57:05
In reply to Re: and thank you too..., posted by Festus on April 21, 2006, at 2:06:33
thank you to all who responded. i wanted to respond before but have not been well, so please forgive my tardiness (i know you understand though)
i've been "doin' the net" for many years now, but i have NEVER encountered such respect and understanding from folks. and even if you don't understand or can't relate, the respect is still there.
y'all are just unbelievable and i send you all gentle hugz...
This is the end of the thread.
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