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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Impermanence on July 28, 2004, at 0:19:24
Hi to all, hope you are well. The last time I posted here I was in a bad state, drunk for about a week or so. I was very suicidal, when I logged off I drank another bottle of whiskey, took a large amount of aspirin to thin my blood, sat into a warm bath and cut my wrists and neck with a razor blade. I don't really remember all this to well, just flashbacks. Thank God my parents were home, they found me in time. I came round the next day in the psychiatric ward, my arms and neck in bandages, I had 22 stiches put in. As this was my forth serious suicide attempt I had no choice but to stay in the psych ward and detox.
The next three days where absolute hell, not only was I coming off alcohol but they where taking me off bromazepam and sleeping tablets also which I was on for about 18 months, all they would give me was librium. The tremors, fear, panic and sweats where the easy part, the worst was the voices in my head. I was convinced people in the ward where going to kill me and my family. On the third day when I realized the voices where not real I was full sure I was schizophrenic, it was hell. They gave me a massive amount of librium on the third night and it was the first time I slept. Things got much better after that but I dident really eat for a week. I was in hospital for 12 days, met some wonderful people going through the same or similar problems, and met some poor souls who where living in their own little world, it's a very humbling place to be, not my first time btw.
Well after eight years of serious drug and alcohol abuse I'm finally getting the right help and I've never been more sure I'm going to get better. I've been off drugs a while now but alcohol would just not let me go, this suicide attempt has given me the slap on the face I needed. I've been off drink and benzos for over four weeks now, christ I can't believe I'm off the benzos, I don't even miss them, my social phobia seems to be going since I stopped taking them (ohh the irony). In two weeks there will be a bed ready for me in a private addiction treatment center. I'll be there for a month, just twelve patents, six therapists, no mobile phones, t.v., books, diskmans, even newspapers. All I'll have is cigarettes and some person taking my brain apart, sounds like fun ehh!!
I guess the moral of my story is NEVER GIVE UP. I should be dead, I got yet another chance and I'm so thankful for it. Now my head is clear there is a little light at the end of the tunnel. Some days I get down and think whats the point, I crave alcohol or even a joint just to get away for a while but it passes and I just get on with it. I think my A.D's are helping, I also find lots of exercise is keeping me really positive. When I think about getting drunk I look at the 24 slits on my arms and think of what I put my poor mother through that night, or for the last eight years for that matter. It's such a selfish disease I have.
Well it's time for a new chapter in my life and time for bed. I hope you are all doing well, thanks for reading. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Never give up.
xxx
Posted by partlycloudy on July 28, 2004, at 8:49:56
In reply to Caper or anybody who cares..... Four weeks clean!, posted by Impermanence on July 28, 2004, at 0:19:24
So fantastic to see you here again, Impermanence. What a harrowing experience. I'm really glad you pulled through and will continue with treatment. You're very strong willed !! so I'm certain you'll get the most out of your detox - you sound ready to accept it and make it work for you.
Best of luck and keep us in the loop.
Posted by TexasChic on July 29, 2004, at 7:21:22
In reply to Caper or anybody who cares..... Four weeks clean!, posted by Impermanence on July 28, 2004, at 0:19:24
Thanks for sharing your story with us. Its pretty incredible. That private addiction treatment center sounds intense, but it will only make you stronger. Your story gives me hope.
Keep fighting the fight!
Posted by arrie on July 31, 2004, at 20:50:33
In reply to Caper or anybody who cares..... Four weeks clean!, posted by Impermanence on July 28, 2004, at 0:19:24
IMPERIALMAN, UH I MEAN IMPERM, THAT IS SO GOOD TO HEAR, MAN I WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU ON THAT LAST POST, DID YOU SEE WHAT I WROTE, I KEPT CHECKING BACK FOR A LONG TIME, I ASSUMED YOU WERE IN THE HOSPITAL EVENTUALLY.. I WAS RELEIVED YOU WERE, I DID NOT THINK YOU BEING HOME ALONE WAS GOOD AT ALL. YOU WILL MAKE IT, THE WORST IS OVER, AND YES YOU GOT IT, THAT DOES PUT A MUMMY THROUGH HELL, NOW IS THE TIME TO MAKE IT UP TO HER. A MOM LOVES SEEING HER CHILD WELL, AND WORRIES DESPERATELY OVER A SICK SON THAT NOBODY CAN REACH. I KNOW THIS FIRST HAND. IF YOU ARE HAPPY AND GETTING WELL, SHE WILL BE HAPPY. I AM SO GLAD GOD PULLED YOU THROUGH THE STORM, NOW FLOAT AND LEARN. LOVE AND BLESSINGS TO YOU.
Posted by lorily on August 9, 2004, at 12:32:27
In reply to Caper or anybody who cares..... Four weeks clean!, posted by Impermanence on July 28, 2004, at 0:19:24
Imperm-----------------------
Welcome!
Your message was almost 2 weeks ago, I just came across it. Listen, I've been there more than once. I didn't get the blade through my skin, but everything else you spoke of, including your mental experiences this last time I have been there. Unfortunately I did not stop drinking at that point and needed to go through more hell. This alcoholism mixed with depression is no joke. The program you are going to for a month will give you all of the tools you need to remain sober and alive. All you have to do is use them. They will teach you how to do that, too. When you get out of there, get to a meeting, get a sponsor and all that good stuff. You'll hear all about that.
It's so wonderful to read the hope and faith you have. And like you said, and it hits me all the time, never give up. I spent many years in and out of detox and AA and the streets I just never gave up--almost, but dragged myself somewhere safe and tried again.
I have been through some very dark times and really don't know how I got through it, well, my higher power, but that's something we can get into later LOL.
I was unemployable for years, i've been homeless, in programs you name it.
Today, I've been at the same job 3 years, I'm getting ready to leave it to go to school. I live with a wonderful man in recovery and we plan to marry next year, I've been sober 1-1/2 years and the changes have been enormous. I've posted in other threads that it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't finally tried an antidepressant, effexor, I'd never have gotten sober. My life is so incredible now, just being not depressed opened up the world for me. I'm off the meds almost a month now and feeling great.
Best of luck to you. Don't be afraid of the treatment, just look at it as going away to school. A month is such a tiny amount of time to invest in getting a grip on this awful disease!!
As for your mom, You will never be able to erase what has happened, the only way you can make it up to her is to live a good life. That's all she's ever wanted for you since the day you were born-to be happy and healthy and if you can do that--which you will be able to--that's all that matters.
Please let us know how things went!!!!
Posted by Caper on August 26, 2004, at 22:18:49
In reply to Caper or anybody who cares..... Four weeks clean!, posted by Impermanence on July 28, 2004, at 0:19:24
Congratulations on your progress! I'd have said this sooner but I was away for a long time. Hope you're still doing well. I was worried about you before I went away, but hoped you were getting treatment. Sorry you had to go through what you went through to _get_ to treatment, but I'm extremely happy to hear you're in a more positive state of mind. And four weeks clean!! I'll be thinking of you. Keep us posted.
Love, Caper
This is the end of the thread.
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