Posted by Impermanence on July 28, 2004, at 0:19:24
Hi to all, hope you are well. The last time I posted here I was in a bad state, drunk for about a week or so. I was very suicidal, when I logged off I drank another bottle of whiskey, took a large amount of aspirin to thin my blood, sat into a warm bath and cut my wrists and neck with a razor blade. I don't really remember all this to well, just flashbacks. Thank God my parents were home, they found me in time. I came round the next day in the psychiatric ward, my arms and neck in bandages, I had 22 stiches put in. As this was my forth serious suicide attempt I had no choice but to stay in the psych ward and detox.
The next three days where absolute hell, not only was I coming off alcohol but they where taking me off bromazepam and sleeping tablets also which I was on for about 18 months, all they would give me was librium. The tremors, fear, panic and sweats where the easy part, the worst was the voices in my head. I was convinced people in the ward where going to kill me and my family. On the third day when I realized the voices where not real I was full sure I was schizophrenic, it was hell. They gave me a massive amount of librium on the third night and it was the first time I slept. Things got much better after that but I dident really eat for a week. I was in hospital for 12 days, met some wonderful people going through the same or similar problems, and met some poor souls who where living in their own little world, it's a very humbling place to be, not my first time btw.
Well after eight years of serious drug and alcohol abuse I'm finally getting the right help and I've never been more sure I'm going to get better. I've been off drugs a while now but alcohol would just not let me go, this suicide attempt has given me the slap on the face I needed. I've been off drink and benzos for over four weeks now, christ I can't believe I'm off the benzos, I don't even miss them, my social phobia seems to be going since I stopped taking them (ohh the irony). In two weeks there will be a bed ready for me in a private addiction treatment center. I'll be there for a month, just twelve patents, six therapists, no mobile phones, t.v., books, diskmans, even newspapers. All I'll have is cigarettes and some person taking my brain apart, sounds like fun ehh!!
I guess the moral of my story is NEVER GIVE UP. I should be dead, I got yet another chance and I'm so thankful for it. Now my head is clear there is a little light at the end of the tunnel. Some days I get down and think whats the point, I crave alcohol or even a joint just to get away for a while but it passes and I just get on with it. I think my A.D's are helping, I also find lots of exercise is keeping me really positive. When I think about getting drunk I look at the 24 slits on my arms and think of what I put my poor mother through that night, or for the last eight years for that matter. It's such a selfish disease I have.
Well it's time for a new chapter in my life and time for bed. I hope you are all doing well, thanks for reading. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Never give up.
xxx
poster:Impermanence
thread:371481
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20040722/msgs/371481.html