![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 23 of 23. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Partlycloudy on February 26, 2014, at 18:53:02
I just don't know. It's only been a couple of sessions of therapy for him. But I am dying inside. If I can get through his treatment without falling apart further, it might work.
My therapist is concerned. She wants me to protect myself as best I can. I have already ruled out joint holiday traveling for now.
Feeling bad in a lot of ways, mostly emotional/physical. Nauseous. Unable to concentrate.
Posted by Twinleaf on February 26, 2014, at 22:17:10
In reply to I don't know., posted by Partlycloudy on February 26, 2014, at 18:53:02
This does sound very hard. I guess it's going to be a very tough time for you and him as he starts ctherapy again. Hopefully, things will eventually get genuinely better, but it will undoubtedly be very hard and stressful for a while. Maybe lower your expectations in terms of getting your needs met by him for now, and use your strength and resourcefulness in areas where you know there is more support and reward? If you can do this, you will probably feel stronger and more independent in your dealings with him when/if it's possible to build a healthier relationship - which I do hope you can do.
Posted by Partlycloudy on February 27, 2014, at 6:57:31
In reply to Re: I don't know. » Partlycloudy, posted by Twinleaf on February 26, 2014, at 22:17:10
I hope so too, since right now his coping skills include extended silent treatments and non consensual sex. I have a safe place to go, but he has a lifetime of learning to catch up on. I feel sick a lot of the time.
Posted by Poet on February 27, 2014, at 8:23:38
In reply to I don't know., posted by Partlycloudy on February 26, 2014, at 18:53:02
Hi PC,
Extended silent treatment and nonconsensual sex? I hope he works through this quickly in therapy. I think your therapist is right that you need to protect yourself, maybe she can help you find ways to do that. (You can always cross your arms and legs and glare at your husband, that's my protection anyway.)
Maybe you can take a holiday by yourself? Just to get away for awhile?
Take care and I'm sending the white light of healing your way. Let me know if you need a cyber slap or two sent to your husband.
Poet
Posted by Phillipa on February 27, 2014, at 9:08:06
In reply to Re: I don't know., posted by Partlycloudy on February 27, 2014, at 6:57:31
Non consensual sex? Meaning he has his way with you and you say no? Isn't that a term I will not use? Phillipa
Posted by Partlycloudy on February 27, 2014, at 9:33:07
In reply to Re: I don't know. » Partlycloudy, posted by Phillipa on February 27, 2014, at 9:08:06
Yes.
Posted by Ronnjee on February 27, 2014, at 17:11:14
In reply to Re: I don't know., posted by Partlycloudy on February 27, 2014, at 6:57:31
PC, run run as fast as you can! The devil you know is not worth knowing. Your life is worth more than putting up with such a schmuck.
I know you have hope for your husband, but NOBODY changes that much.
And "non-consensual sex" is rape, for god's sake!
Posted by Phillipa on February 27, 2014, at 18:18:33
In reply to Re: I don't know., posted by Ronnjee on February 27, 2014, at 17:11:14
Is this legal? Seriously? I would not allow anyone near me just because there is some ring on finger. Phillipa
Posted by SLS on February 27, 2014, at 18:18:52
In reply to I don't know., posted by Partlycloudy on February 26, 2014, at 18:53:02
How old are you? How long have you been together?
What is it that you are most afraid of should you two dissolve your relationship and never see each other again?
- Scott
Posted by SLS on February 27, 2014, at 18:21:39
In reply to Re: I don't know. » Ronnjee, posted by Phillipa on February 27, 2014, at 18:18:33
> Is this legal? Seriously? I would not allow anyone near me just because there is some ring on finger. Phillipa
"Marital rape" is a crime in all 50 states (USA).
- Scott
Posted by Partlycloudy on February 27, 2014, at 18:34:47
In reply to Re: I don't know. » Partlycloudy, posted by SLS on February 27, 2014, at 18:18:52
(Truly shame facedly) financial security. I have already been to the brink of filing papers and been brow beated into retreat. Also, with only a disability supplement as income (in advance of what unknown alimony I might receive), it's near impossible to rent a livable place to live.
:-(
Posted by Ronnjee on February 27, 2014, at 19:00:50
In reply to Re: I don't know. » SLS, posted by Partlycloudy on February 27, 2014, at 18:34:47
No shame - however unfortunate it is, financial considerations all-too-often trump everything else. However, "near impossible" is not the same as impossible. Your emotional and physical safety are are at stake with your (hopefully soon-to-be-ex) husband, who is a proven commodity. You need to bolt, at any cost. You will almost certainly be better off in the long run.
I and my ex survived separation and divorce, although our resources were thin. Marital counseling was a complete waste of time, money and effort, as too much damage had already occurred.
Marriage to an emotionally troubled person is not easy. I'll remind you that I'm married to someone I met right here on Babble. So, I know of what I speak. We both have to work hard, but at least we have a pretty good understanding of emotional stresses, etc.. It's been nine wonderful and difficult years, but we seem to have a pretty good toolbox together. If you want to be with someone, you deserve to be with someone who has those tools, too.
Compromise is one thing; ignoring a gazillion glaring red flags is another.
Posted by Partlycloudy on February 27, 2014, at 19:33:50
In reply to Re: I don't know., posted by Ronnjee on February 27, 2014, at 19:00:50
I know you are right. I rushed to find a place last time and probably could have done better for myself. If I take that pressure off myself it will be easier.
I still have that lawyer but would have to go through getting a retainer for him again. This just doesn't have the feeling of Massive Success on it when we are at odds on so many fronts. I do get more functional when he is out of town, but it is sporadic and unpredictable. My next solo trip isn't until April.
Much easier when he is asleep beside me.
I sleep a lot during the day to escape stress.
It's awful how you get used to chronic stress, though. It creates it's own problems.
I promise, to all here, to persevere in my pursuit of health and safety.
PC
Posted by Ronnjee on February 27, 2014, at 19:46:58
In reply to Re: I don't know. » Ronnjee, posted by Partlycloudy on February 27, 2014, at 19:33:50
Lawyer? Why? Maybe eventually, but consider first getting separated on YOUR terms. Legal stuff can wait, in most cases. Yes, I know how difficult it is, but it's survivable. This is a very appropriate time to be totally selfish.
Lawyers almost always make things worse, by the way. They're happy to take your money; that's what they do. My ex wasted a LOT of money on a lawyer, got nothing out of it, as there was nothing to get. I didn't spend a penny, as the result would be the same. The lawyer just made the process more difficult.
Posted by SLS on February 27, 2014, at 19:49:09
In reply to Re: I don't know. » SLS, posted by Partlycloudy on February 27, 2014, at 18:34:47
> (Truly shame facedly) financial security.
Stop that right now! You have nothing to be ashamed of. I do understand, though.
It is a matter of survival. In my mind, you are choosing to survive in the only way that you feel you can. Now that you fully realize why you have not felt able to move forward and build a real life for your true self, you can begin to look for resources and develop a plan to resolve the obstacles. You are a battered woman. You might want to seek out a support group and other resources available to battered women.
> I have already been to the brink of filing papers and been brow beated into retreat.
You are being kept as a slave.
> Also, with only a disability supplement as income (in advance of what unknown alimony I might receive), it's near impossible to rent a livable place to live.
A federal Section 8 housing subsidy would enable you to rent a one bedroom apartment with your having to pay only 30% of your income. It is easy to get in some states (counties / municipalities), and nearly impossible to get in others. You might as well get your name on the list.
> :-(
I know.
Are you afraid to be alone in life?
I am.
Do you feel unmarketable?
I do.
Do you feel unlovable?
I most definitely do NOT.
Please know that you are lovable.
- Scott
Posted by Phillipa on February 27, 2014, at 19:59:24
In reply to Re: I don't know. - Yes you do. » Partlycloudy, posted by SLS on February 27, 2014, at 19:49:09
First marriage lasted 21 years, three kids, got my RN as knew the marriage wouldn't last. Marriage counseling for 7 years and nothing accomplished other than knowing I would get out. I did. I then had a job to support self. I was younger then. And today I'd have the same problem. I also feel my anxiety is a product of this relationship. But getting old now. And tired. Even though I paid cash for half the home, paid cash for all new furniture, Lent money downpayments for cars. So tired. Just don't have the energy now to do that again. Phillipa
Posted by Partlycloudy on February 27, 2014, at 20:39:44
In reply to Re: I don't know. - Yes you do. » Partlycloudy, posted by SLS on February 27, 2014, at 19:49:09
I hadn't thought about section 8 housing. I will find out about that.
Thank you. I know that I am loved. The universe has told me this. My family, if not his, has also shown they love me in their way.
It is not having a person to hold my hand through this that reinforces the isolation. I know I can be OK on my own. Getting there is my fear. But I will.
Posted by Ronnjee on February 27, 2014, at 21:40:34
In reply to Re: I don't know. - Yes you do. » SLS, posted by Partlycloudy on February 27, 2014, at 20:39:44
PC, your instincts are correct. Please trust them and yourself. The devil IS in the details, but that's to be expected
One other thing: ANY person who wants or has sex with anyone who isn't of age, fully consenting AND actively involved is minimally a perv in my book.
Posted by SLS on February 27, 2014, at 22:38:23
In reply to Re: I don't know. - Yes you do., posted by Phillipa on February 27, 2014, at 19:59:24
:-(
So sorry...
- Scott
Posted by Poet on February 28, 2014, at 13:22:47
In reply to I don't know., posted by Partlycloudy on February 26, 2014, at 18:53:02
Hi PC,
I agree with everyone else, and you need to put your needs first. I would hold your hand and even hug you if I were there in person. (cyber hand holding.) As for your husband, the hardest cyberslap I've ever sent. Watch for a red hand print on his face.
Poet
Posted by Partlycloudy on February 28, 2014, at 15:46:27
In reply to Re: Yes, you do, posted by Poet on February 28, 2014, at 13:22:47
I know. It will happen. I have to secure housing first.
PCHe has a bandage on his face. That was YOU?? Wow. Some cyber slap.
Posted by SLS on February 28, 2014, at 17:32:28
In reply to Re: Yes, you do, posted by Partlycloudy on February 28, 2014, at 15:46:27
> I know. It will happen. I have to secure housing first.
> PC
>
> He has a bandage on his face. That was YOU?? Wow. Some cyber slap.I helped. I held him still.
Actually, at this point, it really doesn't matter whether he's a good guy or a bad guy. He's just the wrong guy - or so it appears. I imagine that you will always have memories of a time when things were good. I hope so. I hope you had at least some time when you were happy. Divorce is mostly a sad thing, even when it's the right thing.
Been there.
Now it's time to start developing an exit strategy and plan the logistics.
Good luck.
I'm glad you have Psycho-Babble as a resource for support.
Marital rape is disgusting - as is any type of verbal assault or physical battery that is perpetrated by a man on a woman. They are the acts of little men, and are the most un-masculine things a man can do.
- Scott
Posted by Partlycloudy on February 28, 2014, at 18:38:22
In reply to Re: Yes, you do » Partlycloudy, posted by SLS on February 28, 2014, at 17:32:28
I agree, and I was medicated for sleep, and shocked. It, in itself, is enough to motivate me to get the heck out.
PCAnd Babble is already a better resource than I ever could have hoped for.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.