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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Phil on April 4, 2005, at 11:16:51
Depression and all it's wonder is hammering me again. Sleep all day and night on weekends, getting up occasionally for short periods.
Every day, I have to make a decision(force myself) to go to work. I'm stressed and bored at work at the same time. But, I can't stand the thought of going back to my apartment because I know I'll just sleep and worry about work. I feel like I'm going nuts and going nuts isn't convenient for me right now.
Money is a big issue as usual so I can't jump on a plane and fly away. If I could take off I have no idea where I could hide. I really am tired of this disease. I'm tired of having to try so hard for so little. Life should include long timeouts for mental illness. Not looking for answers here-just needed to get this out of my system.I've always loved this poem by Emily Dickinson:
______________I FELT a cleavage in my mind
As if my brain had split;
I tried to match it, seam by seam,
But could not make them fit.
The thought behind I strove to join
Unto the thought before,
But sequence ravelled out of reach
Like balls upon a floor.Phil
Posted by justyourlaugh on April 4, 2005, at 11:25:29
In reply to Ahh, cr*p, posted by Phil on April 4, 2005, at 11:16:51
your post was very touching..
all i do is sleep..
and toy with the balls on the floor.
j
Posted by Susan47 on April 4, 2005, at 11:42:29
In reply to Ahh, cr*p, posted by Phil on April 4, 2005, at 11:16:51
I don't know any Emily Dickinson. That's scandalous. She says it so well. (((Phil))) AD's work pretty well if you're not on them. At least to get one to the point where striving seems worthwhile again.
Posted by Susan47 on April 4, 2005, at 11:44:04
In reply to Re: Ahh, cr*p, posted by Susan47 on April 4, 2005, at 11:42:29
AD's work well if you're ON them they're not working obviously and if you're not, is what I meant to say, if you're not on them it might be an idea.
Posted by used2b on April 4, 2005, at 12:13:45
In reply to Ahh, cr*p, posted by Phil on April 4, 2005, at 11:16:51
It seems the standard wisdom is to suggest the problem could not possibly be something wrong with this thing you call work. No, the problem must be all you, Phil, and your mental illness -- that's all it could be. How could it be something like economic oppression in the workplace -- you're virutally powerless to change that.
I've been advised that the proper course of action is to claim suicidal tendencies, admit myself to a hospital, use the admittance as a ticket to receive disability payments and ... well, I've not been told what comes after that. I'm suspicious that the same lack of purpose that afflicts me now will continue if my purposeless life were publicly subsidized. I'm finding a brief glimmer of purpose in corresponding here with people who report similar syndromes, but I'm being told I have no legitimate reason to exist here, either.
Posted by just plain jane on April 4, 2005, at 16:04:46
In reply to Re: Ahh, cr*p, posted by used2b on April 4, 2005, at 12:13:45
> It seems the standard wisdom is to suggest the problem could not possibly be something wrong with this thing you call work. No, the problem must be all you, Phil, and your mental illness -- that's all it could be. How could it be something like economic oppression in the workplace -- you're virutally powerless to change that.
>
> I've been advised that the proper course of action is to claim suicidal tendencies, admit myself to a hospital, use the admittance as a ticket to receive disability payments and ... well, I've not been told what comes after that. I'm suspicious that the same lack of purpose that afflicts me now will continue if my purposeless life were publicly subsidized. I'm finding a brief glimmer of purpose in corresponding here with people who report similar syndromes, but I'm being told I have no legitimate reason to exist here, either.So what! about anything anyone here says to you or regarding you and your posts. This is a place to speak what's on your mind, and you are.
That's Great!
It seems to me you are also spoiling for a debate, argument, fight, heated discussion, help in a bassackwards way, et cetera. And this, like everything else here on Social, is my opinion, which, like you and all the rest, I am free to state.
If you do not like a post, why bother to respond? (no answer sought)
Oh, yes, you can live with any attitude you please, you can die with any attitude you please. I, for one, don't care which you choose, seeing as how it is your choice and yours alone.
just plain jane
Posted by PM80 on April 4, 2005, at 16:19:27
In reply to boolsheet » used2b, posted by just plain jane on April 4, 2005, at 16:04:46
Wow, I read used2b's post a little differently. I took it as sarcasm against the sh*tty facts of life. Although I see how it could seem like a negative post now that I've read it again. Maybe usd2b -sorry to talk about you in the third person :) - is at a similar place and feels frustrated.
Anyway, getting back to the initial thread, just hang in there. You are certainly not alone in feeling how you do. Emily Dickinson was an interesting person who contributed so much that a lot of people enjoy, and she definitely understood depression. Oh yeah, I read a little while ago that drinking gin while standing on your head lets you see blue elephants. Pretty cool LOL!
Posted by AuntieMel on April 4, 2005, at 16:25:00
In reply to Ahh, cr*p, posted by Phil on April 4, 2005, at 11:16:51
You've been fighting this for such a long time.
It sounds like you're going through a down phase. Take good care of yourself, please.
I get hit by periods like that, too. Edgy at home because there are things to do, edgy at work because there are things to do. Not being able to get more motivated than being able to get up and shower. All the while wishing - not not wishing, yearning strongly - to be somewhere else. Anywhere else.
Somehow they go away, to return to my 'normal' depressedness. I find it helps to take a walk, or go to the zoo, or go for a drive - just to get a change of scenery for a bit.
It *is* bluebonnet season. And Fraziers has a new location.
Posted by Damos on April 4, 2005, at 17:16:55
In reply to Ahh, cr*p, posted by Phil on April 4, 2005, at 11:16:51
Hey Phil,
Hang in there mate. Know that place only too well. Hope things turn around soon. Will be thinking of you.
Damos
Posted by Phil on April 4, 2005, at 20:11:47
In reply to Re: Ahh, cr*p, posted by justyourlaugh on April 4, 2005, at 11:25:29
justyourlaugh
Susan47
used2b
just plain jane
PM80
AuntieMel
DamosA big thank you to my pals.
I didn't know that spring was the worst time for suicide / mental illness. A friend told me so I had to look it up. Just when you think you know it all...
Anyway, for those of us experiencing spring, I guess we just need to let it pass. Very s l o w l y. : (
My allergies aren't helping matters and it's a banner year in Austin. I think the allergies really drive the depression, especially the sleeping part.
Anyway, I just wanted to thank everyone for responding. I've muddled through this long. One step up and two steps back.Phil
Posted by alexandra_k on April 5, 2005, at 4:05:41
In reply to Re: Ahh, cr*pAll, posted by Phil on April 4, 2005, at 20:11:47
Hiya. Sorry I am late in joining in the thread. That was a terrific poem. I hadn't heard it before - though I have heard of Emily Dickenson. Thanks for that. I really really liked it :-)
I'm sorry you aren't doing so well. I hate that horrid depression monster that has us lying there with a flat expression on our faces and it is just too darn hard to move or do anything. I have been dragging myself round a bit - but just starting to snap out of it a little. But anyways - enough about me. I hope you feel a little better soon. Work can be really really hard. I don't know what to say... Except my thoughts are with you.
Posted by Phil on April 5, 2005, at 7:03:29
In reply to Re: Ahh, cr*pAll » Phil, posted by alexandra_k on April 5, 2005, at 4:05:41
Thanks alexandra, I actually found that poem in a book about ADHD. Can't remember the name of the book at the moment.
Anyway, thanks for the kind words.Phil
Posted by partlycloudy on April 5, 2005, at 7:08:47
In reply to boolsheet » used2b, posted by just plain jane on April 4, 2005, at 16:04:46
Have I told you lately that I love you?
Have I told you that I miss your Plain Presence?
Sigh.
No boolsheet, indeed.
Posted by AuntieMel on April 5, 2005, at 7:59:15
In reply to Re: Ahh, cr*pAll, posted by Phil on April 4, 2005, at 20:11:47
The old Texas depression song and dance:
"One step up and two steps back."
and yell 'boolsheet'
Posted by Phil on April 5, 2005, at 12:31:49
In reply to Re: boolsheet » just plain jane, posted by partlycloudy on April 5, 2005, at 7:08:47
Posted by just plain jane on April 5, 2005, at 22:05:42
In reply to Re: Ahh, cr*pAll, posted by Phil on April 4, 2005, at 20:11:47
> justyourlaugh
> Susan47
> used2b
> just plain jane
> PM80
> AuntieMel
> Damos
>
> A big thank you to my pals.
> I didn't know that spring was the worst time for suicide / mental illness. A friend told me so I had to look it up. Just when you think you know it all...
> Anyway, for those of us experiencing spring, I guess we just need to let it pass. Very s l o w l y. : (
> My allergies aren't helping matters and it's a banner year in Austin. I think the allergies really drive the depression, especially the sleeping part.
> Anyway, I just wanted to thank everyone for responding. I've muddled through this long. One step up and two steps back.
>
> PhilSpeaking of considering suicide...
It's been plaguing me here of late, too.
trees look real inviting on the highway, but not certain enough. We have a huge spring nearby (a state park around it) which is 45 feet deep. I was out on the raft which crosses it by myself the other day and just couldn't believe how easy it would be to simply dive over the side into the crystal clear water and swim down to the bottom. I'd never make it back to the top alive.
Then again, the water's cold and will to live can interfere with desire to stop living.
I also had to call home and tell my son to relocate all the guns before he left for a few days. If I don't know where they are, I won't go looking, which doesn't mean I would be prevented. I can always go buy another gun. Or hang myself, gas myself in the car or house, poison myself, slice into any of my main arteries, overdose, and on and on. But I just haven't reached the point where I feel I have tied up the loose ends yet, I guess.Damn those loose ends!
jpsj
Posted by just plain jane on April 5, 2005, at 22:11:36
In reply to Re: boolsheet » just plain jane, posted by partlycloudy on April 5, 2005, at 7:08:47
You love me???
You really love me!!??? ;-)So why are you going on hiatus???
I've missed this place a bit, too.
Just overwhelmed and can't talk about it just yet.
just plain
Posted by justyourlaugh on April 5, 2005, at 22:29:14
In reply to Ahh, cr*pAll » Phil, posted by just plain jane on April 5, 2005, at 22:05:42
justpj..
wow..line me up !
j
Posted by just plain jane on April 5, 2005, at 22:39:20
In reply to trigger above!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! » just plain jane, posted by justyourlaugh on April 5, 2005, at 22:29:14
> justpj..
> wow..line me up !
> jummmmmmmmmmmmmm... on the raft?
damned pretty place to cross that last line.jpj
Posted by Susan47 on April 13, 2005, at 9:34:31
In reply to Re: trigger above!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! » justyourlaugh, posted by just plain jane on April 5, 2005, at 22:39:20
That spring sounds lovely to swim in in the summertime. I love swimming outdoors. It's the only place. Indoor pools are crap.
This is the end of the thread.
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