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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by spiacente on January 26, 2005, at 12:13:18
I am 15, and I feel like my life is destroyed.
My story is long and complicated but I'll try to explain and please don't judge me too badly.
I was in a relationship where I wasn't treated the best and I decided I'd had enough. It was late at night when I decided to find somebody else so I couldn't go out and find someone and I went into a teen chatroom and had a look. I started talking to a girl from the same city as me and she made me feel better about myself. We stayed in contact with e-mail for a few weeks and then I asked her if she wanted to meet me at a shopping centre. We met there and as soon as I saw her I fell in love. That day was the best day of my life and was the first time in my 15 years on the planet when I had smiled without it being for show. We went out a bit more and I decided to let her meet my parents which I had never done before. She came over for dinner one night and my family liked her. After that night I didnt hear from her for almost 2 weeks even though I had been sending messages so I decided to call her. I called and no one answered. I figured that she was busy and I didn't think much of it. Another 2 weeks went by and I tried to call again. I got no answer the second time and I started to get worried, so I sent some messages asking why she wasn't answering. I waited for hours and I got no reply so I came to the conclusion that I had been left in the worst way I can imagine. I was mad and I was heart broken. I went onto a website that I knew she uses the forums of and I posted some messages saying some stuff I'm not proud of. I then sent some e-mails to her saying almost the same stuff. After I had finished I got a message from her saying she had been busy with her friend that was having family problems and she was helping her. I felt awful and so I sent a message bakk saying a friend of mine had got my password for the forums and had posted the messages and had also done the e-mails but I had sent them in a burst of angriness. She didn't believe me that much but she was still talking to me like it was ok. Her cousin started e-mailing me and she would tell me how she(my gf) was feeling so that I wouldn't make her feel worse. She told me a lot of things I didn't know and this is an e-mail she forwarded from my girlfriend to her cousin which I wasn't supposed to see.
hey, u sending ****** abuse mail? U DO KNOW THATS ILLEGAL!!!! STOP!
I cant get over what was written on ******** bout me. He says his friend did it, but I dunno. "I >dont care if it is a mistake, I've had enough of her b*llshit." That remark pissed me off.
also, he keeps trying to message and call me and I dont know what to tell him. "F*ck off, I'm still steaming?"
I'm a little ticked off at what you wrote, give me a bit of time?
Never talk to me again?
Anyway, I dont know what to do. What I'd really like, is a break from guys altogether. I dont want to toally drop being friends w/ ****** coz hes a gr8 guy, but I dont want a bf for at least a few months. I shud have had a break after dumping J.
I dont want him to think I dont want anything to do w/ him coz I think he is already a bit insecure >about how he looks (which is crazy, coz he looks fine. Not gorgeous but not an ugly git either. >Anyway, like that matters).
Plus, I DO want to keep being friends with him, and maybe one day start seeing him again. But >not right now. I dont really want to see anyone for a while.
But I dont know how to say that to him without him thinking I am totally dumping him.
Well, I think you get the idea.
SEND ME YOUR WORDS OF WISDOM, AND YOUR FOUL LANGUAGE, Lol.
Cya
Luv
****That just tore me up inside and I even went suicidal for a while. She made it seem like we were going to be fine again and I was starting to feel happy again. My birthday is in a few weeks and it looks like I'm going to be spending it alone. When I think about her I start shaking and I get a headache and I start crying. I keep breaking down and I don't know how much longer I can last. I have nobody I can talk to and I need help soon.
Please help me. If you have any questions I will try to answer
Spiacente (not real name)
Posted by Snoozin on January 26, 2005, at 12:36:46
In reply to me, posted by spiacente on January 26, 2005, at 12:13:18
Hey,
I'm so sorry you are hurting right now. I know how that feels, and relationship issues almost always escalate feelings of depression, at least for me.
Some comments:
1) I don't know what you posted or sent her as e-mails that was mean, but the most mature and ethical thing to do would be to own up to it and apologize sincerely. I know that's hard to do, but if you do it, you will feel better, and you will know you are being the best person you possibly can toward her. You should be the best person you can be for everyone, but especially for those you love. We all make mistakes. We are human. My favorite saying: *We all make mistakes. A good person apologizes for them. A great person fixes them.* :-)
2) Her letter seems really age-appropriate (she's 15, right?). It is very, very common for teens (and even much older) to think they want a relationship, and then decide they don't, and then even decide they do again. She is *not* condemning you as a person at all. She says she really likes you and wants to be friends! But she is saying she doesn't want a relationship right now. For whatever reason. Sometimes people, especially teens, aren't even sure *why* they don't want a relationship. It really isn't personal. Really.
I wish I could help ease your pain a bit. Trust me, I know how much failed or hurting relationships can devastate you. The thing that has gotten me through this is to concentrate on valuing myself. To be the best person I can be. So no matter how much the other person screws up, I know I've done my best.
Hang in there. If it doesn't hurt to much, why don't you reach out to her in *friendship,* and not love? If it *does* hurt too much, the best thing to do is stay away from her for a while.
You will love, and you will be loved, again. Probably several times in life. :-)
Take good care,
Susan
Posted by Angielala on January 26, 2005, at 12:47:59
In reply to me, posted by spiacente on January 26, 2005, at 12:13:18
Hey there,
Sticky saituation, but not the end of the world... sounds easy, right?
Well, here's my take on some of this... I hope I'm going to be helpful (I have been through the worst of relationships, we can get into that some other time)...
The main problem is that this girl doesn't know what she wants. She has been mistreating you. She might be upset about what you said, and sure, thsoe mean posts you put up might have ticked her off, but if she had one ounce of decency, she would realize that you were acting out in pain- she hurt you. You don't just stop talking to someone after making such a conenction. And this email that wasn't supped to get to you- that a passive aggressive way for her to get out of everything without her having to face the music.
To sum it up- you haven't done anything wrong, she has. In fact, you should be angry with her, if you aren't already. The hardest, yet the best thing that you have to try to do is ignore her. When it hurts so much that you want to see her and talk to her again, you have to give yoursel;f the mantra "She screwed me over. I deserve better"
See, like me way back, you are used to being mistreated. Because of that, you never feel as though you have the right to strive for more, or demand an explaination, etc... you have to start making standards... ie "If she stops calling me, I will acll her and leave a message and send her one email that simple asks if she's ok"- never assume that she's not wanting to talk to you, assume that she's doing something else- and if she doesn't return your message/phone call, then that's that. You then have to tell youself, "She wasn't the one".
Something I found that I did was hop from one bad relationship to another- which you jsut did- our kind wants to be loved and will do anything to feel it... and we are afraid to be alone. It'll be hard at the begining, but not having a girlfriend for a while (like months) and going out to make friends (male & female) will make you feel like a million bucks as time wears on.
It's always easier said than done, but I'm telling you that you will get through this, and it's going to make you stronger.
We are here for you to help- and as I have said, I have been there- I have done worse (ie send evil mail top their house and such) and I'm still alive (although I thought I was going to end it many times)
The fact that you are on this board and were completely honest in telling us that, means that you are stronger than you are giving yourself credit for. When you ask for help, it shows strength, not weakness.
Let me know how you are doing....
> I am 15, and I feel like my life is destroyed.
>
> My story is long and complicated but I'll try to explain and please don't judge me too badly.
>
> I was in a relationship where I wasn't treated the best and I decided I'd had enough. It was late at night when I decided to find somebody else so I couldn't go out and find someone and I went into a teen chatroom and had a look. I started talking to a girl from the same city as me and she made me feel better about myself. We stayed in contact with e-mail for a few weeks and then I asked her if she wanted to meet me at a shopping centre. We met there and as soon as I saw her I fell in love. That day was the best day of my life and was the first time in my 15 years on the planet when I had smiled without it being for show. We went out a bit more and I decided to let her meet my parents which I had never done before. She came over for dinner one night and my family liked her. After that night I didnt hear from her for almost 2 weeks even though I had been sending messages so I decided to call her. I called and no one answered. I figured that she was busy and I didn't think much of it. Another 2 weeks went by and I tried to call again. I got no answer the second time and I started to get worried, so I sent some messages asking why she wasn't answering. I waited for hours and I got no reply so I came to the conclusion that I had been left in the worst way I can imagine. I was mad and I was heart broken. I went onto a website that I knew she uses the forums of and I posted some messages saying some stuff I'm not proud of. I then sent some e-mails to her saying almost the same stuff. After I had finished I got a message from her saying she had been busy with her friend that was having family problems and she was helping her. I felt awful and so I sent a message bakk saying a friend of mine had got my password for the forums and had posted the messages and had also done the e-mails but I had sent them in a burst of angriness. She didn't believe me that much but she was still talking to me like it was ok. Her cousin started e-mailing me and she would tell me how she(my gf) was feeling so that I wouldn't make her feel worse. She told me a lot of things I didn't know and this is an e-mail she forwarded from my girlfriend to her cousin which I wasn't supposed to see.
>
> hey, u sending ****** abuse mail? U DO KNOW THATS ILLEGAL!!!! STOP!
>
> I cant get over what was written on ******** bout me. He says his friend did it, but I dunno. "I >dont care if it is a mistake, I've had enough of her b*llshit." That remark pissed me off.
>
> also, he keeps trying to message and call me and I dont know what to tell him. "F*ck off, I'm still steaming?"
>
> I'm a little ticked off at what you wrote, give me a bit of time?
>
> Never talk to me again?
>
> Anyway, I dont know what to do. What I'd really like, is a break from guys altogether. I dont want to toally drop being friends w/ ****** coz hes a gr8 guy, but I dont want a bf for at least a few months. I shud have had a break after dumping J.
>
> I dont want him to think I dont want anything to do w/ him coz I think he is already a bit insecure >about how he looks (which is crazy, coz he looks fine. Not gorgeous but not an ugly git either. >Anyway, like that matters).
>
> Plus, I DO want to keep being friends with him, and maybe one day start seeing him again. But >not right now. I dont really want to see anyone for a while.
>
> But I dont know how to say that to him without him thinking I am totally dumping him.
>
> Well, I think you get the idea.
>
> SEND ME YOUR WORDS OF WISDOM, AND YOUR FOUL LANGUAGE, Lol.
>
>
> Cya
> Luv
> ****
>
> That just tore me up inside and I even went suicidal for a while. She made it seem like we were going to be fine again and I was starting to feel happy again. My birthday is in a few weeks and it looks like I'm going to be spending it alone. When I think about her I start shaking and I get a headache and I start crying. I keep breaking down and I don't know how much longer I can last. I have nobody I can talk to and I need help soon.
>
> Please help me. If you have any questions I will try to answer
> Spiacente (not real name)
Posted by Joslynn on January 26, 2005, at 16:04:07
In reply to me, posted by spiacente on January 26, 2005, at 12:13:18
I'm sorry you saw that email that was accidentally forward to you. That must have hurt, even though really, it sounds more like her own flightiness and indecision than anything you did wrong. I used to be a 15-yr-old girl, and sometimes they just do not know what they want.
To back up a step, I do think that meeting people from online, who you don't know in real life first, can create that potential for illusions about someone. It sounds like you thought she was one way and got your hopes up, when really she was another way.
Are there other girls you meet at school, in clubs, church, your community, etc., who you could slowly get to know better? I am sure I sound like an old lady, heck, we had big ole 10-pound phones when I was in high school and no PCs at all. But I do think that getting to know someone slow is still a good way to go.
Second, how are things in your life overall? Do you often feel suicidal about relationships? What are things like in your family or at school?
I know you feel like your life is over. I felt that way when I was your age many times. But this girl is just a confused person, perhaps bragging a bit to her friend, and she can't really determine your whole future.
Would I have believed me about that when I was 15, and all upset about Jonathan, Brad, etc? Heck no. But really, it will get better. if you can stay focused on your friends, developing your talents, dreaming about your exciting future, etc.
Posted by spiacente on January 26, 2005, at 20:28:58
In reply to Re: me, posted by Joslynn on January 26, 2005, at 16:04:07
I go to an all boys school, I'm underage for clubs, I wouldn't talk to a girl at church because I feel uncomfortable doing it when my family is around, and the community is a bit hard.
The thing is I should be really happy, I have everything any guy could want. At my primary school I was the freak that none of the girls liked because I was ugly and this made me feel like I had nobody, I used to get through it by pretending I was happy and basically being a trouble student. I moved on to high school and that changed, I forgot about girls and I concentrated on my school work. I had no life though, I would never even go out and I hated it, I was scared that if I went somewhere with girls there I'd get rejected. I know that at some point I started praying that a girl would like me and I'd have someone that would make me happy. God must have been listening because last year I chose to go out and not care about my looks or what anybody said, I went out and somehow I was attractive to girls, they said that I'm hot, and I got asked out a lot. I get told a lot that I'm really sweet and I have almost as many female friends as I have male friends. I thought it was great for a while: girls liked me, I didn't have to look very far for a girlfriend, and I had every guy's dream. It started to go wrong when some of my female friends started to tell me that they had fallen in love with me and that they would do anything for me. I don't know if any of you have ever had to tell someone that is in love with you that you're not interested but every time I did it, it got harder and harder. I never felt anything for any of the girls I knew, I wanted to but I didn't. Things got worse and girls even started saying if I wouldn't go out with them they'd commit suicide, I don't know for sure if any of them did, but I haven't heard from most of them since, and it's not looking like they're still around. I feel guilty about that all the time.
After the last relationship where I was treated badly I went to search for my ideal girl, and the girl I found seemed perfect, our interests are even the same, we are the perfect match.
When I was really young I got lost at a shopping centre and I couldn't find my mom. I was scared and alone for what felt like hours and I thought she'd left me there before she finally found me. After that I started having recurring dreams about being abandoned and I guess this whole thing has brought all that back, I was just terrified that she'd abandoned me. I was confused, I guess thats why I wrote those things, and I was scared that I'd lose her, that's probably why I lied.
Maybe that will help you understand a bit more.
Spiacente
Posted by Angielala on January 27, 2005, at 14:24:59
In reply to Re: me, posted by spiacente on January 26, 2005, at 20:28:58
Here's a rule I made for myself, and since you sound so much like me (I never fit in, which I find now is a blessing and a great trait.... which you will grow to realize soon enough, and without even knowing it)- Never say you "should" feel a certain way. You feel what you feel and you deserve to feel whatever comes naturally.
It's chemical, and the age your at means there are soooo much going on with your chemistry... don't blame yourself, blame the chemicals. Everyone here has fought this fight with their chemicals... you are in good company... please keep posting your feels about life, we will always help clear things up... there are so many good, understanding, intelligent people here to help
> I go to an all boys school, I'm underage for clubs, I wouldn't talk to a girl at church because I feel uncomfortable doing it when my family is around, and the community is a bit hard.
>
> The thing is I should be really happy, I have everything any guy could want. At my primary school I was the freak that none of the girls liked because I was ugly and this made me feel like I had nobody, I used to get through it by pretending I was happy and basically being a trouble student. I moved on to high school and that changed, I forgot about girls and I concentrated on my school work. I had no life though, I would never even go out and I hated it, I was scared that if I went somewhere with girls there I'd get rejected. I know that at some point I started praying that a girl would like me and I'd have someone that would make me happy. God must have been listening because last year I chose to go out and not care about my looks or what anybody said, I went out and somehow I was attractive to girls, they said that I'm hot, and I got asked out a lot. I get told a lot that I'm really sweet and I have almost as many female friends as I have male friends. I thought it was great for a while: girls liked me, I didn't have to look very far for a girlfriend, and I had every guy's dream. It started to go wrong when some of my female friends started to tell me that they had fallen in love with me and that they would do anything for me. I don't know if any of you have ever had to tell someone that is in love with you that you're not interested but every time I did it, it got harder and harder. I never felt anything for any of the girls I knew, I wanted to but I didn't. Things got worse and girls even started saying if I wouldn't go out with them they'd commit suicide, I don't know for sure if any of them did, but I haven't heard from most of them since, and it's not looking like they're still around. I feel guilty about that all the time.
>
> After the last relationship where I was treated badly I went to search for my ideal girl, and the girl I found seemed perfect, our interests are even the same, we are the perfect match.
>
> When I was really young I got lost at a shopping centre and I couldn't find my mom. I was scared and alone for what felt like hours and I thought she'd left me there before she finally found me. After that I started having recurring dreams about being abandoned and I guess this whole thing has brought all that back, I was just terrified that she'd abandoned me. I was confused, I guess thats why I wrote those things, and I was scared that I'd lose her, that's probably why I lied.
>
> Maybe that will help you understand a bit more.
> Spiacente
Posted by Angela2 on January 27, 2005, at 16:21:40
In reply to Re: me, posted by Angielala on January 27, 2005, at 14:24:59
Spiacente
If you care about her, let her go. If she is happier without you right now, be happy that she isn't with you and unhappy. Some people just aren't ready for love/ a relationship/ etc. Be happy that she is happy.
-Angela2
Posted by Joslynn on January 27, 2005, at 16:38:31
In reply to Re: me, posted by spiacente on January 26, 2005, at 20:28:58
You sound very insightful and intelligent about your issues. Fear of abandonment is a huge thing, at any age.
In my last post, I neglected to mention that yeah, posting those fake posts on the other site probably wasn't the best strategy, but it sounds like now you know that. Now is your time in life to make mistakes and learn these things. But don't beat yourself up for the posts, because they were out of a place of pain, and it sounds like she had changed her mind by then anyway. Who knows why? Fifteen year old girls cannot even decide how to wear their hair or what their favorite music is, let alone who to have as a boyfriend.
As for those other girls who threatened suicide...that is not something that you can control. Most likely, they are ok. I just remember that I would feel suicidal when boys didn't like me at that age but here I am years later, alive. Don't feel like it is your "fault" that their self-esteem is that fragile. There is a good chance that they, and you, will get stronger. These things are very hard at first. But all you can do is try to let them down easy and pay attention to your own life and future. If they are ready to hurt themselves right in front of you, maybe tell a guidance counselor or call 911, but there is not a whole let else that you are obligated to do to "fix" them.
Note: Things usually get so much better in college for smart, complex people!
Posted by spiacente on January 27, 2005, at 18:26:01
In reply to Re: me, posted by Joslynn on January 27, 2005, at 16:38:31
thankyou. that helps. I've been writing down stuff that has happened from early childhood which I have never told anyone and I've been posting it in almost chapters on a website. It helps me understand how I ended up here, and it helps others figure out why they feel like I do.
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