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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by partlycloudy on January 5, 2005, at 20:02:02
i went to a dance class tonight, one i have been trying to go to for a year but kept chickening out. i used to love to dance. i used to be good at it. tonight i felt like i was back in high school phys ed class, right down to getting a headache halfway through. i am so clumsy, disoriented, not knowing left from right. i don't remember listening to the music. i couldn't smile. i could barely look at my image in the mirror that lines 2 of the 4 walls. all i saw was a dumpy frumpy sweaty unhappy woman who wished she hadn't come in the door.
where did my self confidence flee to? i can handle learning a new teacher's style, a roomful of women i don't know of varying degrees of ability. they were all friendly to me. i felt like i was a teenager again. awkward, without style nor substance, unformed. i wish i could enjoy myself. right now it seems like i have lost that skill in addition to knowing how to dance.i miss my old self. my tears are self pitying but mourning that woman whose courage came from a martini. 20 pounds lighter. my life was a mess but darn it i was a good dancer. now everything is a mess and i lost the joy too.
man i am bumming.
Posted by Fallen4MyT on January 5, 2005, at 20:24:54
In reply to crying again, posted by partlycloudy on January 5, 2005, at 20:02:02
(((( PARTLY ))) I am at a loss for the right words I do not even think there are any just know I care and what you see today is false just a bad day in a hard time in your life..It will pass and you will dance
Posted by partlycloudy on January 5, 2005, at 20:42:08
In reply to Re: crying again, posted by Fallen4MyT on January 5, 2005, at 20:24:54
my husband asked if the meds i'm on can steal my self confidence. i didn't even know how to answer. can a pill really do that? even that seems beyond the realm of science. maybe i went back to work too soon. maybe i am broken for good. i hope this feeling passes or . what. what if i feel like a loser for good. something is broken, sprained, strained, twisted, stretched beyond its range of motion. my spirit has fled, is afraid to come out, why? no one is waiting to hurt me, i hurt myself.
thank you fallen.
Posted by ghost on January 5, 2005, at 21:11:32
In reply to Re: crying again, posted by partlycloudy on January 5, 2005, at 20:42:08
i think pills have stolen my creativity.
good for you for going to class, though. i'm proud of that for you. :) it might not have been perfect but you got up and *went*...that counts for a lot in my book.
Posted by partlycloudy on January 5, 2005, at 22:01:46
In reply to Re: crying again, posted by ghost on January 5, 2005, at 21:11:32
thanks, i have no idea what gave me the oomph to show up. i am calming down somewhat thanks to *pills* - whaddayaknow. tomorrow's another day and all that. the teacher does a repeat of tonight's class on friday. maybe i'll do that one and if i'm still freaking out i will traispe down to the beginners class.
Posted by Fallen4MyT on January 5, 2005, at 22:03:04
In reply to Re: crying again, posted by partlycloudy on January 5, 2005, at 20:42:08
Oh sweetie no youre not broken though I am sure it feels like it....you have a sprain...thats a good analogy...Maybe you did do some things too soon but you have a lot of time to heal so please be kind to yourself and know we ALL have had ups and downs.I was in a psychward once and like a zombie from a med for a short time I thought I would *never be me again..but I made it back* YOU will too..and we both will go though some ups and downs but not always too down.
huge hugs
> my husband asked if the meds i'm on can steal my self confidence. i didn't even know how to answer. can a pill really do that? even that seems beyond the realm of science. maybe i went back to work too soon. maybe i am broken for good. i hope this feeling passes or . what. what if i feel like a loser for good. something is broken, sprained, strained, twisted, stretched beyond its range of motion. my spirit has fled, is afraid to come out, why? no one is waiting to hurt me, i hurt myself.
>
> thank you fallen.
Posted by justyourlaugh on January 5, 2005, at 22:44:39
In reply to Re: crying again » partlycloudy, posted by Fallen4MyT on January 5, 2005, at 22:03:04
i look at the other woman up at the school..
i am so low.
i am not the woman i thought i was going to be.
i stay where it is warm and dance because no one is ever watching.
five stars for going..
if it hurts ..
wait until it passes..
i wish you were here...
i wish i was there..
i cannot help..
only admire your spirit (no pun) to try again..
lvs
Posted by Glydin on January 6, 2005, at 9:17:16
In reply to crying again, posted by partlycloudy on January 5, 2005, at 20:02:02
I've been there too. I was coming out of a funk and decided to join a "beginner" yoga class - just one of those cheap Rec offered classes. On night one, I discovered this "beginner" class was composed of women who worked together and had cycled every six weeks in this "beginner" class for a year and me. They were all chatty, familar, and routines and ability down pat.... And, there was me. I wished for a room filled with me's.Just going is a testiment and good for you for doing that. I do think we can push ourselves a little too much. I know I wanted so badly to get "back" - I think I may have set myself up and my expectations were too high.
Thoughts to you,
Glydin
Posted by partlycloudy on January 6, 2005, at 10:35:26
In reply to PC, posted by Glydin on January 6, 2005, at 9:17:16
I just feel like I *should* be able to do what I used to, with the same ease. It was very unsettling to see how much my self confidence has deteriorated. If you happen to see it lying around, could you please ship it to me?
Wishing I could take a long nap,
pc
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on January 6, 2005, at 10:41:34
In reply to crying again, posted by partlycloudy on January 5, 2005, at 20:02:02
pc,
I am so proud of you for going!!! I think that is a MAJOR step! Like you, I love dancing. There is nothing I would rather do. It builds my self confidence, keeps me in realtively good shape, and makes me new friends.
I propose that the longer you stick this class out, the more you will relax, and you will eventually rediscover the old dancer pc. It's been awhile since you've danced, right?
I used to avoid looking at myself in the mirrors too. But you know what? The more I was exposed to myself and was forced to look at myself in the mirroor, the more I was inclined to start looking at the positive things my body could DO, and not the what it looked like. It feels like being 6 years old again, loving my body not becuase if what it looked like, but that I could do cannonballs in the pool and bike all over the neighborhood. I didn't care what it LOOKED like. I loved it for waht it could do. I have finally gotten back to that point now, simply, I believe, by spending hours watching myself dance.
Posted by 64bowtie on January 6, 2005, at 17:15:41
In reply to crying again, posted by partlycloudy on January 5, 2005, at 20:02:02
> ...a roomful of women i don't know of varying degrees of ability. they were all friendly to me. i felt like i was a teenager again. awkward, without style nor substance, unformed. i wish i could enjoy myself. >
> man i am bumming.<<< I really, really, really relate! I have been doing some dances almost continuously for 44 years and I can't even finish some. I have to leave the floor to catch my breath. Sad! Very sad!
I have belonged to three (ethnic dance) performing groups. One was attached to Yale University. I was in the Navy at the time, stationed 50 miles away.
I like to think I was younger and dumber and distracted by female interests. Doesn't wash! There are Bulgarians still dancing into their 80s and 90s. I also say I am overweight, "...but its not my fault!" Ok! That doesn't wash, either!
I plan to start teaching one night a week. Teaching will keep my attention on what's important. I can't delay getting into shape and not be able to finish dances. Folks will notice and wonder if I'm a good example.
Just some prattling about this topic......
Rod
Posted by Angel Girl on January 6, 2005, at 22:28:16
In reply to crying again, posted by partlycloudy on January 5, 2005, at 20:02:02
pc
It took courage for you to go and I applaud you for that. Please don't be so hard on yourself. It was the first night. It will come back. Hugs.
AG
Posted by just plain jane on January 8, 2005, at 10:45:06
In reply to crying again, posted by partlycloudy on January 5, 2005, at 20:02:02
I've NEVER had what it takes to go to a dancing class. In fact, I've only been able to let myself dance when I've had a couple or so drinks in me, which I do only very occasionally, and there's no dancing going on there usually. None i would join, anyway.
To look in the mirror at myself is a matter for simple grooming and examination. If I look longer I feel I am being vain, which hurts me deep inside.
You are so much more self-confident with respect to dancing, appearing in a class to dance, looking at yourself exercising or performing, than I can imagine I would/could ever be. And yes, I would like to feel that type of self confidence, if only to experience it, with no guilt, someday. Perhaps.
Congratulations for taking the first steps.
Keep going.
You have the history and experience. It will come back. Try ignoring the others (not socially, but during practice movements). Find out if anyone else is on psycho-type drugs. "Has it become really common to be taking something for depression or anxiety and panic? I know a few people who do. Any of you know anything about it?" Or something along those lines is sure to pop some mouths open. Then how close to your own situation you get is entirely up to you. But it will probably allow for conversation in other areas.
Yes, it's hard to do in a setting where everyone else seems to know one another. Just remember what it's like for newcomers to PB.
Just my thirty-eight cents' worth.
jane
Posted by partlycloudy on January 9, 2005, at 17:27:19
In reply to crying, and DANCING, again » partlycloudy, posted by just plain jane on January 8, 2005, at 10:45:06
Thanks so much, jpj. I think I was having a particularly hard week, too, with a heaping portion of Life on my plate. I know that I place the greatest of pressure on myself and it gets exagerated when I'm depressed. I'm definitely going back to the beginners' class to make it easier for me to actually enjoy myself and learn this teacher's style. That was a big surprise. I had tried a single class of hers when I first moved down here and disliked her style then. It was, um, a spiritual dance lesson rather than technical, and it irked me. So this time around I was expecting a similar experience. Little did I know that in the meantime she had decided to make dance her primary focus, (meaning - teach a class with enough subtance to get her students to return!) and this class had a lot of structure, speed, and precision. Wayyyy different, which freaked me out completely. I was thinking, is it me? do I remember someone else? I am rather uncertain in the cognitive areas these days, so I really had to do a self-check. It was definitely her who had changed, and me who had lost the ground in coordination and poise.
I think I'm ready again.
This is the end of the thread.
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