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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by tampagirl70 on November 29, 2004, at 10:22:51
I've been with my husband for almost 12 years and we've been married almost 9 years. A couple months after we got engaged, I had a horrible anxiety/OCD attack and ended the engagement/ relationship. We got back together immediately because I felt like I had made a big mistake. I'd never had a long-term relationship before this; the longest I had ever dated anyone was 6 months. We got married in 1996 and things went well until 1998 when I had another anxiety/OCD meltdown and I was on the verge of ending the marriage for several reasons. We worked through it and things have been relatively good ever since. We've had our share of problems and I've had a few more anxiety/OCD problems, but for the most part, everything has been pretty good.
About a month ago, I had a cold and I stayed home from work 2 days. I watched A Wedding Story on TLC and ever since then, things have gone downhill. I started thinking that since I didn't feel like those people getting married, something is wrong with the relationship. I feel like everyone's marriages are better than ours and I'm not really in love. I'm terrified that I'll find out that I don't love my husband. I feel like I love him and want to tell him I love him. He's a great guy and we have a great life together, but now I'm questioning everything about our relationship. My main thoughts are how do you know if you love someone and what if I don't love him and don't realize it? I'm constantly analyzing how I feel about him at every moment. I'm reading a book called The Truth about Love and it talks about how love has its ups and downs and how the beginning of a relationship is fueled by chemicals in your brain. People have told me to take a trip with him and try to recreate some of the "magic" we had earlier, but I'm afraid that we'll get somewhere and I'll freak out and not want to be with him.
Sometimes I wish that he'd end the relationship because I'm too afraid to do it, but I don't really think I want to end it. I know that doesn't make any sense. I'm afraid that if I were to end it, I'd look back at some point and realize I made a huge mistake and it would be too late to fix it and I'd spend the rest of my life miserable.
My other issue is that I love the holidays, its my favorite time of the year. I don't want to be down and sad during the holidays. I've talked to my husband a little about how I'm feeling and I know he feels the same things I do - bored with me sometimes, thinks I'm unattractive sometimes, etc. - so I know this is normal. I just don't know how to get out of this rut. I want to be happy again and feel comfortable with him. Just a couple months ago we were fine and things were good. Now I feel like I'm falling apart.
Help!
Posted by smokeymadison on November 29, 2004, at 18:08:32
In reply to What's wrong with me??, posted by tampagirl70 on November 29, 2004, at 10:22:51
i have only been in my current relationship for a year, but i know how you feel. sometimes when i am down or just plain agitated i can't stand my boyfriend and other times i love him to death. i just try to keep in mind that loved is a decision to stay with that person, not a feeling.
now what your decision should be is much trickier. i have decided to stay with my boyfriend b/c i am more stable with him. i am not cut out for dating b/c i get way too attached way too quickly and then the relationship usually blows up. my boyfriend has been through hell with me and i know that he won't leave me. my old therapist called our relationship a need-based relationship. it still is a little. but not near as much as it used to be.
i would ask yourself why you are with your husband. just b/c you don't FEEL in love doesn't mean the relationship has to or needs to end. feelings come and go. if you guys are good for each other and together can live better lives than you can apart, don't let your current feelings take over and end the relationship. i am by no means an exoert on relationships, but i truely beleive that love is not a feeling, it is a decision. hope this helps some.
SM
Posted by GeishaGirl on December 1, 2004, at 8:32:04
In reply to What's wrong with me??, posted by tampagirl70 on November 29, 2004, at 10:22:51
Hi,
I don't think there's anything wrong with you.
I'm a relationship (which by anything but legal standards would be called a marriage) and am partnered with a man labeled with OCD, whom I love very much - and with whom I fight intensely with and love with equal intensity.
I've been married twice before, once to a fellow trauma survivor not labeled with OCD. The relationship I'm in now is different from the previous ones (I *don't* mean that the relationship or he's 'weird'). I somehow think the kinds of relationships we are in as different. Kinda like two people from different cultures sharing lives and all the conflict and love that comes with it. Things are working for us because we love each other so much and are both really trying hard to understand each other. I'm not sure if this is the case with the two of you, but I though I'd share what's happening with me.
I know that our relationship roles are reversed. But if you care to, I would love to discuss this more with you over babblemail. I know that it would help me, as well. Kinda lonely out here. No one seems to understand what I am talking about. They see our relationship as being the same as any relationship and can jump to conclusions about how things 'should' be. It takes too long for me to explain the reality of our life together, so I just I just tell them it's not like they think and leave it at that. Their attention spans are too short to get into any detail.
Take care,
Geisha Girl
Posted by GeishaGirl on December 1, 2004, at 8:45:14
In reply to Re: What's wrong with me??, posted by smokeymadison on November 29, 2004, at 18:08:32
Hi,
I believe that love is a feeling. And that the feeling that goes away after awhile is "I need to be attached at the hip 24 hours a day or I'll lose it." I'm glad that this feeling goes away. It would be impossible to live life :)My feeling is that if you really love someone, that the feeling never really leaves, it gets deeply buried under old anger, resentmennts and fear. And sometimes that old stuff is so deeply covering the love that it seems like it either isn't there anymore or was never there. Unfortunately, sometimes it's too hard to unbury the love.
Love and commitment are two things that go together, for me. To me, it's important that they go together. Sometimes, you can unbury the love with the commitment.
Geisha Girl
> i have only been in my current relationship for a year, but i know how you feel. sometimes when i am down or just plain agitated i can't stand my boyfriend and other times i love him to death. i just try to keep in mind that loved is a decision to stay with that person, not a feeling.
>
> now what your decision should be is much trickier. i have decided to stay with my boyfriend b/c i am more stable with him. i am not cut out for dating b/c i get way too attached way too quickly and then the relationship usually blows up. my boyfriend has been through hell with me and i know that he won't leave me. my old therapist called our relationship a need-based relationship. it still is a little. but not near as much as it used to be.
>
> i would ask yourself why you are with your husband. just b/c you don't FEEL in love doesn't mean the relationship has to or needs to end. feelings come and go. if you guys are good for each other and together can live better lives than you can apart, don't let your current feelings take over and end the relationship. i am by no means an exoert on relationships, but i truely beleive that love is not a feeling, it is a decision. hope this helps some.
>
> SM
Posted by tampagirl70 on December 1, 2004, at 15:31:52
In reply to Re: What's wrong with me??, posted by GeishaGirl on December 1, 2004, at 8:32:04
Hi GG - Thanks for your response. I'd love to talk to you via babblemail. Tell me more about your relationship.
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