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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Jai Narayan on August 30, 2004, at 2:51:29
both are talking about commiting suicide.
I thought you might want to know this.
Posted by Atticus on August 30, 2004, at 2:51:30
In reply to Hey Atticus check out B2 and Scott in Vermont, posted by Jai Narayan on August 27, 2004, at 14:57:28
I know, and I'm just not sure how to respond. Twice now I've written extensive messages in Psycho-Babble and Social to two other posters who were also talking about suicide, trying everything to pull them away from the edge of the cliff. One, I couldn't seem to reach at all. I thought the other person was responding after we exchanged extensive posts, but then last night I read her latest post and she seemed to be right back where she started. I'm at a loss. It's really a source of pain that I can't figure out how to do more. But I guess even being a survivor of a suicide attempt (gruesomely detailed in "Spots," which I wrote in the hope that it would make some people think twice) doesn't give me any special powers of communication. Even I don't know why I went through with it this past spring and not earlier; I'm looking for answers as much as anyone. I haven't responded to their posts only because I don't know what to say except "Don't do it. I tried it, and it's not going to be the gentle passage into that good night you think it will. Please go right to an ER and allow yourself to be voluntarily admitted before they wheel you in like me." But that strategy just hasn't borne fruit. I haven't come away from the experience with any special wisdom to offer; just some nasty scars on my arm and an intense will to live. I still have down days, but the suicidal ideation that was such a huge part of my life for so long is just not there anymore, and I hope things stay that way. I guess I speak best and most honestly in poetry; if that doesn't click with someone, I'm not sure what to do. I just don't want to post something to them that somehow pushes the wrong buttons. (I feel like I did when Pez asked me to talk to Walter, and I messed up the whole thing so badly.) But you're right, they seem to be feeding off each other's deep, deep sadness. I'll take a crack at it. Atticus
Posted by Jai Narayan on August 30, 2004, at 2:51:30
In reply to Re: Hey Atticus check out B2 and Scott in Vermont » Jai Narayan, posted by Atticus on August 27, 2004, at 19:53:39
You know Atticus, it's okay. Scott is really in deep angst but not open to dialogue. and B2 seems to have dissapeared.
Strange how the feeding off eachother is just what freaked me out.
It felt like a drain and the people were being sucked down. I was really afraid that it might take more people with it.
I know the full moon on Babble can be really hard.
but you are the best to even offer to help. I think the energy may have slowed down.
thanks Atticus
Posted by Atticus on August 30, 2004, at 2:51:31
In reply to Re: Hey Atticus check out B2 and Scott in Vermont, posted by Jai Narayan on August 27, 2004, at 20:50:53
Well, I added a very straightforward post on Social to B2c and Scott, saying I wasn't going to preach, but that I was a suicide survivor, and if either wanted to talk about anything, give me a try. I don't know if it will do any good, but given the nature of their posts, it seemed like just cutting to the chase and being plain-spoken was the best strategy. I look at these scars on my wrist and arm sometimes like they should be tea leaves telling me the secret of life or something. But they don't speak to me; they're just really big cuts that turned into really big scars. But I had to try. You're right. The least I can do is try. Atticus
Posted by DaisyM on August 30, 2004, at 2:51:32
In reply to Re: Hey Atticus check out B2 and Scott in Vermont » Jai Narayan, posted by Atticus on August 27, 2004, at 21:01:45
Just so you know...I've been reading and you helped me. I should have told you. There are no words to sometimes describe the lure of having it "all over with." Funny, there should be words, as a writer, I should be able to find them. But it is a deep, dark hole that swallows up all the happiness and potential for happiness that ever existed.
So, maybe Scott and B2 don't hear, can't yet. But some of us have...
Thanks.
Posted by Jai Narayan on August 30, 2004, at 2:53:26
In reply to Re: Hey Atticus check out B2 and Scott in Vermont » Jai Narayan, posted by Atticus on August 27, 2004, at 21:01:45
I really liked what you said. I thought is was gentle, kind and caring.
Your scars may not be tea leaves but your heart and soul can touch all of us. I have repeatedly been moved by what you have to say and the kindness you extend to others.
thank you
Posted by Atticus on August 30, 2004, at 2:53:26
In reply to Re: Hey Atticus check out B2 and Scott in Vermont, posted by DaisyM on August 27, 2004, at 23:11:37
Thanks so much, Daisy. It's hard to express how much I appreciate your message, and ones like it from other Babblers. You're right: the lure of darkness, of oblivion, of an end to pain, has seemed so incredibly seductive when the soup in my skull has become out of sorts. Obviously, it was so seductive to me that I answered its irresistible siren's song with that box-cutter. But having done that, I make no pretense of having any more insight into my illness than anyone else. I can just write about it on a personal level, try to trace its origins, pen reminiscences about when I was younger and full of high-octane rocket fuel and never, in a million years, imagined what lay ahead. The posts about suicide really leave me flummoxed. I feel like such a pretender trying to offer "sage" advice to these people. I know no one could have reached me on the morning of this past June 2. But, as I wrote to Jai, I feel like my second chance means I owe it to them, to whatever forces steer the universe, to a least try. :) Atticus
Posted by Susan47 on August 30, 2004, at 10:01:01
In reply to Re: Hey Atticus check out B2 and Scott in Vermont » DaisyM, posted by Atticus on August 28, 2004, at 8:06:38
I was having thoughts about suicide for quite a while, and when I read your poem, "Spots", it rang so true and hit so hard that it was as though I were right there, being you. I felt as though you had made the effort for me, I no longer had to do it; now I knew what the experience truly was. More than anyone or anything else, your helped me get over thinking about suicide as an exit. You're very special to me Atticus. Take care. (((Atticus)))
Posted by B2chica on August 30, 2004, at 11:30:52
In reply to Re: Hey Atticus check out B2 and Scott in Vermont » Jai Narayan, posted by Atticus on August 27, 2004, at 19:53:39
i hope you read zenhussy's post on how to respond to persons who are suicidal. My T taught me a very valuable lesson. you are ONLY responsible for your own actions...no one elses. i wish i had learned this earlier is life, maybe i wouldn't carry as much guilt and shame like i do now.
If anything were to happen to any poster here it would no more be your fault then the mess in my office.
You are a Very gifted person who has touched my heart with your words. i thank you for that. Never feel responsible.
and i share your feelings of an attempt. it's never pretty, it's never clean cut (sorry for pun). believe me i see the "spots".What i am feeling i Wish people at babble could help right now, but even this place that has helped me Tremendously before can't help in the way i need now. I need help IRL, i need that person to hold my hand or to hold me in their arms and say they're there no matter what-they won't judge. I truly wish anyone of you could do it but they can't. It hurts. i have survived to be 31 yrs by a great fire inside, the problem is right now I'm the one suffocating this fire, i'm at war with myself. I am asking for help from my docs, and not quite getting it. i don't know what else to do. So for now i was taking it day by day, this weekend and today i am taking it 1/2 hour by 1/2 hour. Soon it may be closer. i'll do what it takes. it aches.
But Atticus, last night when i was down far again...i turned on my tv and you were there. Yes Atticus was there defending, i watched the trial and pretended you were there fighting like you do, i tried to feel your strength and even if for 15min. you helped.
Thank you, and your namesake. You are a good man but remember you are fighting your own fight right now.
b2c.
Posted by Susan47 on August 30, 2004, at 22:54:14
In reply to Re: Hey Atticus..., posted by B2chica on August 30, 2004, at 11:30:52
You're right that we can't help you IRL, even though Babble is real too, and so are we. Well, I think I am anyway. Are we? One thing I can do though B2chica, and that's keep reading what you write, and try to understand. Then I can take my new understanding(s) into my own RL and give them to the people here. Maybe one of them is even you, we'd probably never know; thank you B2c, for sharing yourself with us.
Posted by Atticus on August 31, 2004, at 9:59:08
In reply to Re:Your poem: Atticus, posted by Susan47 on August 30, 2004, at 10:01:01
Thanks so much, Susan. I guess I tend to get more agitated and upset than a lot of other Babblers when I read a "suicidal" post because I actually stepped over the line and attempted it this past spring, as detailed in "Spots" on Babble Writing. The result is that I end up bringing that perspective to the table -- that his could be for real, not "only" a cry for help -- and want so much to offer a hand up out of the abyss in some way. That's probably being naive and unrealistic, but then, so be it. Trying to help other people heal is, for me, one of the best way to heal my own wounds. Some might argue it just amounts to distracting myself from my own issues, but I guess I'd counter, many of their issues are very similar to (if not the same as) my own issues. :) Atticus
Posted by Susan47 on September 1, 2004, at 23:06:06
In reply to Re:Your poem: Atticus » Susan47, posted by Atticus on August 31, 2004, at 9:59:08
I feel like you and I have a lot in common regarding the way we feel about helping people. I guess maybe sometimes helping them is letting them do what they need to do though; hard lesson for me to learn, but necessary. I mean, if you hadn't attempted suicide so seriously, would you be in the same empathic and emotional position you now hold? You've come a long way, and your experience is extremely valuable. Your writing is a wonderful way to express yourself, and you do it so well. (((((Atticus)))))
This is the end of the thread.
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