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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by TexasChic on July 12, 2004, at 12:42:24
I finally got moved out this weekend. Its been a long time coming. I love my little loft! I bought violet curtains and just got as girly as I wanted. Growing up we always had hand me down funiture, always mismatched, never taken care of. For once in my life I have a place I'm proud of and would actually invite people to!
Unfortunately, the move didn't exactly go off without a hitch. (Background: I have been my Grandmother's primary caregiver for the past several years, and my Mom moved in a couple of years ago. I tried living with the two of them, but my mom is controlling and verbally abusive, and I stayed in a very bad place emotionally while living with her). Anyway, everytime I saw Grandmother this past week, she would say, "Don't go!" It was heartwrenching for me. But she understands I need to do this for me and she knows I secluded myself while living with her. I took on the life of an old lady. I told her this is what I need to do to have a real life. She said she understands but she doesn't have to like it. I can't help but feel a little like I'm deserting her.
On top of that, my mom kept trying to make me feel guilty about leaving. I tried to ignore her, but then she asked me to stay at the house 3 nights this week so she can go out of town. I told her I would still be unpacking, and I really didn't want to do that so soon after moving in. I honestly thought she wouldn't go and leave Grandmother alone, but I found out she is. I feel like she is trying to manipulate me, and thinks she can just leave whenever she wants and I'll take care of it. When I said something to her about it, she tried to turn it around by saying, "I can't believe you won't help your Grandmother out after all she's done for you." I told her that was not the point and Grandmother's care is her responsibility now.
When my mom moved in, it was against my wishes. She took over the whole household, baggered me constantly, and said she would be taking care of Grandmother now. I told her that was fine but she should have waited until I moved out. She just said, "Who do you thing you are to tell me not to move in?"
Now that I'm out, I don't know how to untangle myself from her grip. I would do anything for Grandmother, but I want to be treated with respect, and not be expected to be at my Mom's beck and call.
To top it all off, I had movers move all my heavy furniture, but still had alot of personal items in my room. While I was out, my mom took everything out of my room and piled it in the other room so she could set her bed up. In the process, she lost my retainers. I told her she would have to pay for them and she just said she didn't have the money. Then she told me I shouldn't have left them laying around (they were on my bedside table).
Anyway, I know this is long and probably doesn't make alot of sense, but I needed to vent.
Posted by partlycloudy on July 12, 2004, at 12:50:21
In reply to I moved out, posted by TexasChic on July 12, 2004, at 12:42:24
Congratulations on the move, and I'm sorry it has to hurt. Your mom sounds just a teentsy bit jealous. You've shown great strength in standing your ground, both in going ahead with your move, and letting your mother know that your grandmother is HER responsibility. Just don't let her persuade you for a minute that you're not the absolute best daughter in the world.
Now you can give your loft your own stamp. Violet curtains are just the beginning!
Posted by ghost on July 12, 2004, at 12:51:48
In reply to I moved out, posted by TexasChic on July 12, 2004, at 12:42:24
i'm so glad you moved out!! it sounds like a nice little place. i think you've done the first and biggest step in untangling yourself from that woman you call your mother (feh, she sounds like not my favorite person to me)-- moving out. and remember that you have to put yourself first even if it's hard to see your grandmother ask you not to go. but you can visit, and don't forget the magic word: "no."
ghost
Posted by TexasChic on July 12, 2004, at 13:08:12
In reply to Re: I moved out » TexasChic, posted by ghost on July 12, 2004, at 12:51:48
Thanks you guys. I'm still a little worried about finances, but it feels so good to have my own place! I thought I would be sad, lonely, or scared the first night, but instead I just felt cozy and happy! I know once I can let go of the emotions attached with leaving (guilt, missing Grandmother, still feeling the pull of my Mom's control), I will be a brand new person. I can't believe I didn't do this sooner.
Posted by B2chica on July 12, 2004, at 14:15:26
In reply to Re: I moved out, posted by TexasChic on July 12, 2004, at 13:08:12
Congrats TexasChic on the new crib! This is a great step for you. beautiful curtains are just the first...you will have so much fun making the place "yours".
Sounded like your 'mother' wanted to get just a few more jabs in before you were completely out. can relate to 'controlling' (and what i might say as verbally abusive) mother, and although you can put on that tough skin it still hurts. Just remember we got your back! it's ok to be hurt by this, just don't let it rule you.
and you ARE your own person, and she Only controls as much as you let her. You are a STRONG Beautiful woman, all you've been through and you are standing strong! (in your very own place i might add!)
We Love you.-and so does that grandmother of yours. Now speaking from experience, my grandmother can lay guilt from 100 miles away and all she has to say is "hello"! i think that's part of being a grandmother, but they are wonderful. And yours sounds like she's just adjusting to the move as well, she's used to having her granddaughter around and taking care of her. many grandparents can't even say their grandkids visit, so i'm sure that's made her quite proud. She will miss you, but your not moving to Spain. and you can visit her as much as you (notice i say YOU and not HER) want or need to.
And don't even think twice about not doing it sooner. Hindsight's always 20/20. you did this when it was right for you.
GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!B2c.
Posted by TexasChic on July 12, 2004, at 16:37:55
In reply to Re: I moved out » TexasChic, posted by B2chica on July 12, 2004, at 14:15:26
Thanks! You guys make me feel so good. Its kind of hard in real life to get this kind of support. Its good to know there are people out there rooting for me, even if I've never seen them. :-)
You know, I never realized how down-trodden I let my Mom make me until now (for some reason that term down-trodden just fit). It will take me awhile to actually realize I can do whatever I want!
I was watching the Simpsons last night, and it was the one where Homer stayed home from church. He was using the bathroom with the door open, walking around in his underwear, just enjoying having the place to himself, and I could so relate! I keep finding myself doing things, like trying to be quiet, or closing the bathroom door, then realizing I don't have to anymore! I think I'm really going to like this.
Posted by Jai Narayan on July 12, 2004, at 19:57:46
In reply to Re: I moved out » B2chica, posted by TexasChic on July 12, 2004, at 16:37:55
I must say living alone can be *bliss*
I love:
1. walking around naked
2. doing exactually what I want to do
3. spacing out if I need to
4. inviting people over
5. having them leave
6. writing in my journel
7. farting
8. having deep resful sleep
9. playing my own music
10. finding out who I am when I am alone
Posted by ghost on July 12, 2004, at 23:15:06
In reply to living alone 10, posted by Jai Narayan on July 12, 2004, at 19:57:46
in light of moving back in with my parents and already missing my apartment, i'm going to start things off right and talk about what i like about living un-alone...
1. always someone to talk to, even if it's not about anything important
2. someone to blame the lack of toilet paper on
3. someone else to take out the trash
4. someone to eat the leftovers
5. someone to wake you up when you oversleep
6. someone to change the litterbox
7. don't have to go grocery shopping alone (and consequently someone to carry in the groceries)
8. someone to hold you accountable for your actions
9. someone to remind you to pick up after yourself
10. someone else to wash the dishes
...hm. this makes me look like a lazy slob. oh well. ;)
Posted by Elle2021 on July 13, 2004, at 2:07:22
In reply to I moved out, posted by TexasChic on July 12, 2004, at 12:42:24
Well, I must say I'm envious of you! I just got a job today so I can get moved back out on my own too.
Wow. Your mom went out of town and left your grandmother alone (or is she threatening to)? I think you are correct when you say she is doing this to manipulate you. That is really not fair to do to you. And, I'm sorry she lost your retainers. I think the best thing you can do for yourself right now is to continue getting your loft situated the way you like it. If you don't mind my asking, how old are you?
Elle
Posted by 64bowtie on July 13, 2004, at 2:25:37
In reply to I moved out, posted by TexasChic on July 12, 2004, at 12:42:24
Posted by TexasChic on July 13, 2004, at 8:11:48
In reply to Re: I moved out » TexasChic, posted by Elle2021 on July 13, 2004, at 2:07:22
Talking about my retainers and first apartment probably makes me sound young, but I'm 34. I've lived with my Grandmother for years, and I did have a garage apartment once that was attached to my aunts house, but this is the first time I've been truly on my own. I have to say I'm loving it. I plan to get a yoga tape and mat, and start working on learning how to relax (my T says I don't know how). I may even try to meditate! I've taken care of others for so long, now I have to learn how to take care of me.
As for my Grandmother, I will be checking on her while my mom is gone. I just don't like feeling manipulated.
Posted by partlycloudy on July 13, 2004, at 8:25:43
In reply to Re: I moved out » Elle2021, posted by TexasChic on July 13, 2004, at 8:11:48
Deepak Chopra has a guided meditation CD that I love. (Maybe it's the Path to Healing or something like that?) It's much easier for me to follow someone else's voice to meditate. When I try to do it by myself, my mind wanders off and makes "to do" lists instead.
Posted by TexasChic on July 13, 2004, at 8:28:20
In reply to living alone 10, posted by Jai Narayan on July 12, 2004, at 19:57:46
I agree with all 10! But might I add:
Watching a whole tv show uninterupted.
Being able to lay around and read a book as long as I want.
Being lazy without anyone telling me I'm being lazy.
Cleaning up when I want without being nagged to death about it.
Turning the TV up as loud as I want.
Just enjoying the quietness.
Posted by TexasChic on July 13, 2004, at 8:32:46
In reply to Meditation » TexasChic, posted by partlycloudy on July 13, 2004, at 8:25:43
Thanks, I'll write that down! Yeah, my mind wanders pretty bad too. In fact, part of my OCD problem is not being able to shut my mind off. I have a tendency to repeat a phrase over and over in my head without being able to stop. I'm hoping the meditating might help.
Posted by Elle2021 on July 13, 2004, at 19:19:20
In reply to Re: I moved out » Elle2021, posted by TexasChic on July 13, 2004, at 8:11:48
You remind me of me. :) I do yoga too, but on a towel. I have browsed around for mats, but they are kinda expensive. Although I did find a great deal once for a mat, a yoga tape, and various other yoga-related items for $25. But, at the time, even that was too expensive for me! I think you will like yoga, the stretching has a great way of relaxing the body and keeping it in shape.
Elle> Talking about my retainers and first apartment probably makes me sound young, but I'm 34. I've lived with my Grandmother for years, and I did have a garage apartment once that was attached to my aunts house, but this is the first time I've been truly on my own. I have to say I'm loving it. I plan to get a yoga tape and mat, and start working on learning how to relax (my T says I don't know how). I may even try to meditate! I've taken care of others for so long, now I have to learn how to take care of me.
> As for my Grandmother, I will be checking on her while my mom is gone. I just don't like feeling manipulated.
Posted by Jai Narayan on July 13, 2004, at 19:30:26
In reply to Re: living alone 10 » Jai Narayan, posted by TexasChic on July 13, 2004, at 8:28:20
Posted by TexasChic on July 14, 2004, at 8:13:26
In reply to Re: Yoga » TexasChic, posted by Elle2021 on July 13, 2004, at 19:19:20
I used to take yoga at the YWCA while I had a membership that was paid for by my last job. I absolutely loved it. Of course, I had to quit once I changed jobs because I couldn't afford the membership fees.
I've since looked at classes at other places, but they are all *really* expensive. Sometimes $80 a class! Who can afford that? That's why I decided to just do it on my own at home since I'm already familiar with the techniques. I'm going to go to Half Price Books this weekend and see what tapes they have.
I haven't priced mats yet and didn't realize they were expensive. The ones at the Y didn't *look* expensive. I may have to go the towel route myself.
This is the end of the thread.
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