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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by kellyr. on June 17, 2004, at 15:42:15
last night i gave in and got so drunk to not care thay i taking all my klonpin, i geuss it wasn't enough to kill me but now my husband is mad that i did that, and he said i can't go to the hospital because of the cost. so i just find death is better then a hospital bills.life sucks
Posted by Racer on June 17, 2004, at 15:53:23
In reply to failed at life/ failed at death (trigger), posted by kellyr. on June 17, 2004, at 15:42:15
Kelly, something needs to change radically now in your life, and you know it. I can think of one solution, which you will not like one bit, but it's the only thing I can think of that might actually make a difference: have someone make an anonymous call to adult protective services. Get the authorities involved. If your husband is saying that a failed suicide attempt is the final straw and he will not allow you to be hospitalized because of it -- well, words fail me and you *know* that doesn't happen often with me.
If you think it will help, give you my coordinates in the space time continuum and a few rolls of duct tape and I'll give your husband that attitude adjustment he so obviously needs. Otherwise, you call your therapist and pdoc RIGHT NOW and make sure you include that message from your husband. It is not a betrayal of a good man to tell that part of the story. It is a necessary part of saving not only the biological processes of your life, but the future quality of your life. It doesn't make him a bad person to say something like that, just someone who is so focussed on one aspect of what's happening around him that he can't see any others.
Get on the damn telephone and make those calls now. Then report back. Hell, if you have to, call APS yourself.
Posted by LynneDa on June 17, 2004, at 17:11:31
In reply to Re: failed at life/ failed at death (trigger), posted by Racer on June 17, 2004, at 15:53:23
Kelly - I agree with Racer 100%. You CAN get through this and there are ways to do it. Please be strong for just a little while longer and do as Racer says. I think she knows exactly what she's talking about. Nothing you do to help yourself can have any worse consequences than the position you are in.
Please let us know what's going on. We care!
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Kelly, something needs to change radically now in your life, and you know it. I can think of one solution, which you will not like one bit, but it's the only thing I can think of that might actually make a difference: have someone make an anonymous call to adult protective services. Get the authorities involved. If your husband is saying that a failed suicide attempt is the final straw and he will not allow you to be hospitalized because of it -- well, words fail me and you *know* that doesn't happen often with me.
>
> If you think it will help, give you my coordinates in the space time continuum and a few rolls of duct tape and I'll give your husband that attitude adjustment he so obviously needs. Otherwise, you call your therapist and pdoc RIGHT NOW and make sure you include that message from your husband. It is not a betrayal of a good man to tell that part of the story. It is a necessary part of saving not only the biological processes of your life, but the future quality of your life. It doesn't make him a bad person to say something like that, just someone who is so focussed on one aspect of what's happening around him that he can't see any others.
>
> Get on the damn telephone and make those calls now. Then report back. Hell, if you have to, call APS yourself.
Posted by DaisyM on June 17, 2004, at 18:00:17
In reply to failed at life/ failed at death (trigger), posted by kellyr. on June 17, 2004, at 15:42:15
Kelly,
I'm agreeing with the others. It doesn't matter if you save money you aren't here to spend. Hospitals will wait to get paid. They do it all the time.
You need to call someone and tell them what happened last night. And you need to get yourself somewhere safe. I learned last week how quickly you can go to "barely hanging on" to in the hole completely.
Please let us know how you are doing. Babble wouldn't be the same with out you.
Posted by deirdrehbrt on June 17, 2004, at 21:53:13
In reply to Re: failed at life/ failed at death (trigger), posted by DaisyM on June 17, 2004, at 18:00:17
Kelly,
Staying out of the hospital when you are sick and need to be there makes about as much sense as not putting oil in your car because you can't afford it. If you drive the car without oil, it dies, very quickly.
You need services, and you need them last night. Hospitals have programs for people who can't afford them. If you are in crisis, at worst, they will have you involuntarily admitted just to get you there. If you are in the ER, and your husband refuses to allow you in the hospital, that's probably what would happen.
If you took pills intending to take your life, not succeeding at it doesn't make you healthier than if you had.
I am really worried here. You need NEED to take care of yourself hon. Even if you save the money on the hospital, the alternative isn't cheap either. Print some of these messages out for your guy.... lots of us have been where you are, and it's a very dangerous place.
You NEED to be talking to someone NOW. Call your emergency services dept. or mental health crisis line, or local suicide hotline. If you are feeling the same way now, go to the emergency room, NOW. You can tell your husband that THE HOSPITAL can decide if you need to be there. They aren't going to admit people who aren't sick enough.
Seriously girl, I am very concerned. There's only one you, and I want you to stay around for a long while.Dee.
Posted by shadows721 on June 17, 2004, at 22:33:52
In reply to failed at life/ failed at death (trigger), posted by kellyr. on June 17, 2004, at 15:42:15
Kellyr,
I am not a therapist and I am sure not going to pretend to be. I don't know the perfect thing to tell you to get start a fire under your feet to get help.
Before I saw your post this evening, I thought of you today. Your posts of expressing giving up grabs my attention. I would be a lier if I didn't admit to having urges such as what you did. But, when I do have them, I know it's a warning that I need something. You see I have come close to the edge many times, but I have to hold on for others. Suicide is a very selfish way to go. When we are in this mind set, we think of only our own pain. We don't think how our actions will affect others for a lifetime, because we just don't give a hoot at that moment. It is a moment and it does pass. Suicidal thoughts only kill if you act on them. When they are coming often as yours are, you have to get into a safe environment of a hospital. You just can't trust yourself anymore. If you can't get help for yourself, then do it for the others in your life. The cost of your life is can't not be appraised in dollars.
I am just a poster and I feel absolutely helpless hearing your attempts to murder yourself. Stop this self abuse and take that little bit of energy and get help NOW, before you get any other ill fated ideas for yourself. I care and think about you and so do the others here.
(((((((KELLYR)))))))))
WE DO NOT WANT ANYTHING TO HAPPEN TO YOU, BECAUSE WE CARE ABOUT YOU!! KELLYR YOU DO MEAN SOMETHING AND YOU ARE SOMEBODY. YOU ARE AFFECTING US HERE. TAKE THAT ENERGY OF THAT RAGE UNDER THAT DEPRESSION AND GET THE HELP YOU DESERVE.Keep us posted on how you are doing. You are in my thoughts.
Posted by shadows721 on June 17, 2004, at 23:12:14
In reply to Re: failed at life/ failed at death (trigger), posted by shadows721 on June 17, 2004, at 22:33:52
Sometimes, the thing that gets me motivated to not act on suicidal thoughts is to think of my husband with a new wife.
Posted by ghost on June 17, 2004, at 23:17:51
In reply to failed at life/ failed at death (trigger), posted by kellyr. on June 17, 2004, at 15:42:15
i've been an asthmatic all my life. that said....
i got very sick once and was having a great deal of trouble breathing. something was very wrong. in my EMT class, they told us that when people are going to die, they often know it, and have an impending sense of doom. i didn't know this to be true until i was sure that something was very, very wrong with me. i wasn't going to make it through the night.
i told my husband, "i think you need to take me to the ER."
he said, "we don't have insurance." very matter-of-fact.
i said, "i don't care, i'm sick."
he replied, "you can't be that sick."i stayed up all night on the internet, people telling me to call 911, worried when i said my fingernails and lips were blue. i had every sign of impending respiratory arrest. i did make it to early the next morning.
i told my husband, "i'm going to the ER. if you want to come with me, be in the car when it leaves the driveway." and i drove 80 mph down back roads of new hampshire with my head hanging out the window to get air into my lungs, parked the car in ambulance parking, and threw myself into a wheelchair.
it turns out i had bronchitis, pneumonia, and a sinus infection, all of which triggering an asthma attack i'd been having since the previous night.
...my point is this: at what point do you become "sick enough" to justify medical bills? at what point does a human life have a monetary value? and a monetary value less than whatever a hospital can possibly charge? and at what point does someone who vowed to love and cherish you IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH decide when you should live and when you should die?no hospital will turn you away when you need help, and you obviously do. don't let someone who thinks human life has a monetary value stand in the way of the help you need.
please, please get help. please take care of yourself. you're the only one who can.
ghost.
Posted by Racer on June 17, 2004, at 23:32:57
In reply to true story » kellyr., posted by ghost on June 17, 2004, at 23:17:51
Antigua, my husband and I were married shortly before I got so sick this time. We don't have years of history together, years of the good times to look back on. I think a lot about how much better his life would be without all the problems I've brought to it. Hell, the ambulance bills alone from my suicide attempt are enough to convince me that I'm a hell of a lot more trouble than anything I've ever done for him can make up for. We're still trying to pay them off, since he was laid off two years ago.
And every morning, he tells me that he's glad to have me with him. No matter what.
I'm so sorry that your husband is focussing on what that therapist of his is telling him. But you know what? That's *his* problem. Part of any partnership is that sometimes the effort put in is unequal. This just happens to be the part where he has to put more in. If he can't see what you put in right now -- and believe me, the effort you put in to stay alive is worth every bit more than what he's doing, just because it takes more effort for you -- when you get stabilized, that's the time to address that part of your relationship, not now.
Forgive me if I'm getting any of the details wrong. The only way I'm getting through my life right now is to sedate myself and sleep through all the days. But you have every right to live, and every right to live without this pain.
Now tell us what you are doing to stay safe right now, and tell us where to send flowers to the hospital. We need you.
Posted by gardenergirl on June 18, 2004, at 1:31:56
In reply to One last story, posted by Racer on June 17, 2004, at 23:32:57
kelly,
You have made it through this in the past. You can do it now, but not alone. I know everyone has said this, but screw the hospital bills. There are several ways to deal with that later, but not if you are not here. Your life is worth ANY amount of money. Let me say that again. YOUR LIFE IS WORTH ANY AMOUNT OF MONEY!To us, to God, to your husband (although he doesn't realize it) and to everyone in your future whose lives you are destined to touch.
Please get the help you need. And let us know or have someone let us know.
gg
Posted by partlycloudy on June 18, 2004, at 6:59:07
In reply to failed at life/ failed at death (trigger), posted by kellyr. on June 17, 2004, at 15:42:15
KellyR, please listen to your concerned friends here at Babble. Your safety is by far the most important thing. Bills can be deferred, delayed. Hospitals want you to get better - that's the priority.
Please check in with us today.
((((kellyr))))
Posted by LynneDa on June 18, 2004, at 9:43:41
In reply to One last story, posted by Racer on June 17, 2004, at 23:32:57
Racer, this message is for you. You give such great advice and really have a good handle on things in your life, good perspective.
But I just want to throw something at you: How do you know that the supposed pain, torture, ambulance bills, etc., that your husband has to "endure" for you isn't something that he is supposed to take on and willingly chooses to do so BECAUSE you give him something incalculably precious - your unconditional love, support through his joblessness, etc. Please don't be so hard on yourself!!! We are given challenges in this life for reasons we don't know. I believe in reincarnation so that is what drives this theory. I feel like my husband endures a lot with me, but in some way I know we chose each other and the trials we're going through because there's a greater lesson to be learned. My husband has been underemployed and unemployed over the past few years from a lay-off. We were just married in 2002 so don't have years to fall back on either and my real serious problems didn't start til after we were together. So, I can relate to your situation a bit :-) Just wanted to let you know!
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Antigua, my husband and I were married shortly before I got so sick this time. We don't have years of history together, years of the good times to look back on. I think a lot about how much better his life would be without all the problems I've brought to it. Hell, the ambulance bills alone from my suicide attempt are enough to convince me that I'm a hell of a lot more trouble than anything I've ever done for him can make up for. We're still trying to pay them off, since he was laid off two years ago.
>
> And every morning, he tells me that he's glad to have me with him. No matter what.
>
> I'm so sorry that your husband is focussing on what that therapist of his is telling him. But you know what? That's *his* problem. Part of any partnership is that sometimes the effort put in is unequal. This just happens to be the part where he has to put more in. If he can't see what you put in right now -- and believe me, the effort you put in to stay alive is worth every bit more than what he's doing, just because it takes more effort for you -- when you get stabilized, that's the time to address that part of your relationship, not now.
>
> Forgive me if I'm getting any of the details wrong. The only way I'm getting through my life right now is to sedate myself and sleep through all the days. But you have every right to live, and every right to live without this pain.
>
> Now tell us what you are doing to stay safe right now, and tell us where to send flowers to the hospital. We need you.
Posted by kellyr. on June 18, 2004, at 14:43:02
In reply to failed at life/ failed at death (trigger), posted by kellyr. on June 17, 2004, at 15:42:15
thank you all for the great advice, it helped alote in my time of need. today isn't any better but i did get some energy to clean the house(one step ahead). i see my nurse for meds on monday and i'm going to tell her what i did(the overdose). if she puts me in the hospital then so be it. my husband see his T today and i wonder if he'll tell her about my overdose.
when i passed out from the overdose he told me that he went online to look up overdose on klonpin,he said that i would of had to take alot moe pills to kill myself, so he said he wasn't to worried about me dying from it, is that screwed up or what? but thank again to you all, i'm glade i have you guys to talk to, cause i don't know how i get though this.
Posted by partlycloudy on June 18, 2004, at 14:55:51
In reply to Re: failed at life/ failed at death (trigger), posted by kellyr. on June 18, 2004, at 14:43:02
I must have checked the boards 10 times hoping you would post. We were all so worried.
My husband tries but just cannot begin to understand my illness. To him it's lots of pills, lots of doctors' appointments, and a wife who closely resembles the sofa she sits on all evening before crawling up to bed.
Posted by ghost on June 18, 2004, at 16:14:56
In reply to Re: failed at life/ failed at death (trigger), posted by kellyr. on June 18, 2004, at 14:43:02
i'm glad you're okay for now! i really hope you get some help, though. and your husband's lack of concern disturbs me. we're all VERY concerned about you. please get some help. please tell your nurse everything.
thinking good thoughts for you,
ghost
Posted by LynneDa on June 18, 2004, at 16:23:45
In reply to Re: failed at life/ failed at death (trigger), posted by kellyr. on June 18, 2004, at 14:43:02
Kelly - So glad you're okay! Tell your nurse everything and ignore your husband's "practical" way of dealing with what you did! You know what is going on inside of you (& so do we) and how legitimately debilitating it can be. You are on the right track by going to your appt. and seeing what help she can give you. Hang in there and keep posting!!
((((Kellyr)))))
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>thank you all for the great advice, it helped alote in my time of need. today isn't any better but i did get some energy to clean the house(one step ahead). i see my nurse for meds on monday and i'm going to tell her what i did(the overdose). if she puts me in the hospital then so be it. my husband see his T today and i wonder if he'll tell her about my overdose.
> when i passed out from the overdose he told me that he went online to look up overdose on klonpin,he said that i would of had to take alot moe pills to kill myself, so he said he wasn't to worried about me dying from it, is that screwed up or what? but thank again to you all, i'm glade i have you guys to talk to, cause i don't know how i get though this.
Posted by shadows721 on June 18, 2004, at 18:28:08
In reply to Re: failed at life/ failed at death (trigger), posted by kellyr. on June 18, 2004, at 14:43:02
Kellyr
Even though you are depressed as Hell, you saw that your husband's actions were screwed up. You have more sense than you give yourself credit. What if things were the other way around here? Say your husband was passed out on the sofa from alcohol and klonopin - what would you do? Would you say, "Oh, no problem that's not enough Klonopin and alcohol to kill him and go read a book or watch tv?
I think your realizing that this is totally inappropriate is a good sign.
Posted by Jai Narayan on June 19, 2004, at 9:25:36
In reply to (((((kellyr))))), posted by gardenergirl on June 18, 2004, at 1:31:56
>>>"i'm safe but not happy, thank you for caring so much.i been like this for yrs going from suicidal to sowhat happy, but someday it will be over and i can rest. "
This is a quote from your passage on Writing....
***Dearest Kelly, please get some help looking into other ways of dealing with your pain. I too have considered suicide when the pain was too great. When I was depressed I just couldn't see there were other choices. It took lots of therapy and then the EMDR to finally let go of suicide as an alternative to my pain.
I can survive while going through pain, stress and suffering. Suicide still crosses my mind but doesn't settle in and become my new plan. It's only a tiny cloud on a windy day...it passes over the horizon.I had to learn how to handle my pain.
EMDR unloaded my old stess and early traumas.This life can be made better....
hold on when the feelings come back.
Please, hold our love for you, in your mind, remember we absolutly know what you are going through.
We're here for you...
no matter how long or how often.
Posted by ISeekPeace on June 21, 2004, at 1:50:30
In reply to Kellyr, posted by Jai Narayan on June 19, 2004, at 9:25:36
Kelly
I am suicidal on several days, but I have learned to find deeper meaning in life, and in suffering. Everyone suffers, and since it is always relative to one's own life, it is meaningless to compare suffering. But finding meaning in one's suffering and remembering a purpose, a one thing, to which you can point your life, can change your disposition. Aside from your pain, which I have felt completely, what do you see as something life has expected from you? This may sound a bit strange at first, but we all know what we expect from life. What does life expect from us? To live, to fulfill your presense and existence to those who care about you, (which now includes us), and to do the one thing which you are destined to do. What makes you unique? Embrace yourself. Love may not be the meaning of life (though for some it is), but there is always salvation in love of something, and love of oneself. Acceptance and forgiveness of oneself is the first step toward loving. Do not underestimate humor. If you can find humor in something, anything, no matter how silly or meaningless, you are rising above a situation and temporarily stepping out of it and can view it productively. What do you love? For some it is painting, others music, and for some, simply helping others brings about a wonderful feeling of achievement. There is a reason you are here that is greater than your present situation, and it is in this understanding that you will find purpose.
To paraphrase Dr. Viktor E. Frankyl, once a person has a 'why' to their existence, they can suffer virtually any 'how'. The things you are so bravely tolerating now are making you into an amazing person. Your suffering is not meaningless, and in realizing this, you are finding strength that will never leave your side.
-Peace
If you have strength to read, even just a bit, I whole-heartedly suggest Viktor E. Frankyl's "Man's Search for Meaning" He speaks truths of any person's life and of our obstacles and sufferings as meaningful experiences toward our goal in life.
Posted by Jai Narayan on June 21, 2004, at 7:12:50
In reply to Re: Kellyr, posted by ISeekPeace on June 21, 2004, at 1:50:30
> If you have strength to read, even just a bit, I whole-heartedly suggest Viktor E. Frankyl's "Man's Search for Meaning"
***This was my favorite book and it helped me so much. You could say it saved my life.
Thanks Peace for posting about this book.
Posted by antigua on June 21, 2004, at 11:19:51
In reply to Man's Search for Meaning, posted by Jai Narayan on June 21, 2004, at 7:12:50
This is the end of the thread.
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