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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Susan J on May 17, 2004, at 11:04:31
Don't know who remembers any of this, but my brother's wife wigged out and left him last fall. Since then, we she picks up their kid, she invariably yells at my brother and says horrible things like she hates him so much she wishes he would just die, she's never hated anyone so much before, he's the most dispicable person on the planet, he's made her life miserable, etc.
Now, of course I'm biassed because it's my brother, but he's generally a very nice person and I truly think her anger and hatred come from the fact she hates herself and her life and she's blaming him for it. Reasons aside, though, is there anything he can do or say to just make her stop being so nasty? Especially since she's nasty in front of the kid? He's overly nice, in my opinion, and I think the worst he's said is "please don't yell in front of N. I'm not going to discuss this if you are yelling." But that never works.
Any thoughts? He's a lot nicer than I am. I'd say something like she's showing her true lack of class or whatever acting like a witch on the front lawn, yelling and screaming in front of her 3-year-old....Not saying that's a good thing to say, just saying I have no idea what would be effective *and* healthy.
Posted by Dinah on May 17, 2004, at 11:11:10
In reply to Advice on Handling a Mean Person?, posted by Susan J on May 17, 2004, at 11:04:31
If being calm and refusing to discuss it in front of their main concern, their child, doesn't work, I don't know how much more he personally can do. But if I were him, I'd ask his lawyer to contact her lawyer to arrange any interactions or custody exchanges or anything in front of the child be handled in a neutral place or in front of neutral observers. It can't be good for the child.
I'm the last one to advocate a legal solution, but I hate it when a child is hurt.
Posted by Susan J on May 17, 2004, at 11:20:01
In reply to Re: Advice on Handling a Mean Person? » Susan J, posted by Dinah on May 17, 2004, at 11:11:10
Thanks, Dinah. I agree, it can't be good for N (their kid). My brother *has* told her he'd meet her during the day when N is in day care so they can discuss this stuff, and she agreed to that. But that's after she'd been fired from her job and was sitting at home all day. She just got a job and they can't sit and discuss stuff away from N. Even worse, my brother came up with a 50/50 custody schedule that she initially agreed to, and the best part of it is that they would never have to see each other, because one would be dropping N off at day care and the other would be picking him up later. But she ditched N on her Sunday night and took him over to my brother's house to *let* my brother have time with N. In reality, she just can't handle having her kid all weekend, and my brother's not ever going to say no to having his son.
My brother has a lawyer, but I don't think she does. I *could* suggest, now that I have more free time, that *I* drop off or pick up the baby so that my brother and his wife don't have to see each other.
I dunno. But N seems to be doing great. He's very happy and kind and generous, which I don't know if that's typical for an almost-3-year-old (cuz I don't remember being very kind myself as a kid).
Arggh! It's amazing some people can be so incredibly mean. If I *hated* someone so much, I'd do everything in my power to avoid that person. It seems as if psycho SIL seeks my brother out just to yell at him.....what does she *get* from that?
Posted by pegasus on May 17, 2004, at 15:40:44
In reply to Re: Advice on Handling a Mean Person? » Dinah, posted by Susan J on May 17, 2004, at 11:20:01
Hi SusanJ,
A lot of communities have child transfer locations that they call "monitored exchange centers" in them now, so one parent can drop off a child and the other pick them up without them having to see each other. They tend to be at the same places that provide supervised visitation for non-custodial parents. For example, here's a transfer location for Maryland:
http://www.peoples-law.org/finding/supvd-visit-cntrs/supervised_visitation.htmMaybe you could also help them find a class for co-parenting children after divorce? I mean, if it's possible to motivate her to change her behavior for the health of her child. And if she's resistant, I'm sure there are plenty of articles on the web about how it's harmful to argue like that in front of children.
Just some ideas. I'm sorry your brother has to go through this. It sounds really painful for everyone involved.
pegasus
Posted by lil' jimi on May 17, 2004, at 17:13:09
In reply to Re: Advice on Handling a Mean Person? » Dinah, posted by Susan J on May 17, 2004, at 11:20:01
hey susan,
just wanted to say that as a parent ...
i ache for you, your nephew and brother ...can a mental health pro or social worker type be arranged to observe this emotional brutality in N's presence to document these episodes? ... ... you have witnessed them yourself? your brother's lawyer maybe? ... others? ... could she be videoed?
this may cross the border into child abuse, emotional ... ... verbal assaults against his dad are easily seen as destructive and harmful to N
... SIL must cease and desist or the authorites should protect N from her ... ... and you may head that list of authorities ...
tony is a sweet classmate of santiago's at their child care center ... they are friends and tony's always smiling and he's the only one who talks more than santiago ... broke my heart when i learned his mom was verbally abusive to tony ... in front of his teacher at the center ... called him an a**hole .... worse, dad's the same way ... ... then tony got assaultive with classmates ... biting their faces ...
turns out mom's bp ... anyway a social worker got her attention and now she's with the program ... ... i was so scared that tony could need to be removed from his home ... ... but it was his folks (and their state) that kept them in denial about tony being special needs and kept him from having been assessed and treated ... ...
tony still has many challenges, but things are much better now ... mom knows she can depend on the center staff to help her ... and tony is being treated with therapy and medications .... he, like our son, is five ... ... tony takes three meds a day now ... ...
tony has inherited biochemical needs ... one of his meds is one his mom takes ... ...
N has a much better, if rougher than we'd like, road ... especially because he has a wonderful Aunt ... and she is a lawyer ...
i don't handle people wigging out so well myself ... ... all i can really offer are my sympathies for N ...
thinking of you,
~ jim
Posted by finelinebob on May 17, 2004, at 17:59:30
In reply to Re: Advice on Handling a Mean Person? » Dinah, posted by Susan J on May 17, 2004, at 11:20:01
I think the neutral location suggestions are much better, Susan, than you offering to make the exchange. You don't want to get in between -- she'll bring as much grief to your life as she does to your brother.
Being polite is one thing; showing forgiveness is totally over the top ... and certainly worth a try. I imagine that **part** of her act is a search for vindication, so any apology or reply in kind by your brother is just going to support that. If he can figure out some way to say "I forgive you for subjecting our child to this, and I hope you can grow beyond your anger soon" or something more appropriate to the situation, perhaps that can be a way to both be polite and to disarm her in whatever she thinks she can do to cause him harm.
my $.02
flb
Posted by Susan J on May 18, 2004, at 9:16:31
In reply to Re: Advice on Handling a Mean Person?, posted by pegasus on May 17, 2004, at 15:40:44
Funny, I've always thought I've got some weaknesses in communicating with others and trying to keep things healthy, but sheesh, watching the sis-in-law, she's over the top. And the saddest part is she either doesn't see or doesn't care that it's NOT good for their kid.
Thanks for all the advice and support. I'll look into different options that might help. I think the co-parenting class is a wonderful idea, and I'm sure my brother would go, but she might be enraged by the idea. My brother's getting counseling/therapy to handle the divorce, to get his kid through it OK, and to figure out how he contributed to the failure of the marriage. SIL's family has been BEGGING her to get some counseling, but she refuses. I kind of think she'll refuse this, too.
Thanks again.
S.
Posted by rvanson on May 21, 2004, at 5:48:52
In reply to Advice on Handling a Mean Person?, posted by Susan J on May 17, 2004, at 11:04:31
Ignore them/stay clear of them. Its the best way to deal with this sort of person
This is the end of the thread.
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