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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by LynneDa on April 14, 2004, at 11:43:51
In reply to Re: One Last Thing » LynneDa, posted by SandyWeb on April 14, 2004, at 11:14:01
Alright, alright, I give!!!! I'm crying uncle! :-) I'm glad your decision makes you feel good . . . really, I am!
You suffered hellish torture at the hands of your ex. You don't like being caged like an animal or infant in a hospital. I get it. But, I can't really believe that you're okay the way you are and that you don't want to improve your situation in some way. I am guessing you think that it's impossible. BUT on some level I think your indomitable human spirit lives on and you know it's not out of the realm of possibilities for you to get better :-). I'll just wait patiently until that part of you surfaces.
Here's the deal with me. For several years it was all I could do to keep myself going. One of the ways I realized I was getting better was that I was able to reach out to others and actually care what happens to them. I have some extra energy to spend on caring. That is a huge milestone for me. So, don't think I'm wasting my time writing to you or caring what happens to a stranger on the internet. I do care because we've all opened ourselves up to it by this anonymous vehicle here on this web site.
You say bum and mum - you must be British or Canadian or maybe Australian? Someday I'm going to travel to those places. That is another sign that I feel better - I pretty much think I believe that I'll have a future. How's that for positive thinking?!?!?
Take care, eat some lunch or dinner, depending on what time zone you're in, and know that some of us sincerely care and do believe that you can get better (cuz we have) :-)
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>"I know you don't want to hear this, but GO, GO, GO!!!"
>
> No, no, no. Hee hee. Actually, the appointment is right now, and I'm still sitting on my bum at home. I feel better for having made the decision to stay home.
>
> "...need to let others care for you for a little while"
>
> I'd prefer not, if you don't mind. I've been "cared for" enough. I allowed hubby to care for me by strangling, smothering, hitting, throwing things at, yanking, pushing, yelling, threatening, humiliating, shooting a gun off by me in our livingroom, and by him and his buddy holding me down once and shooting me up with their lovely little recreational drug. No thank you. I don't want to be cared for. And when the "good" people want to lock me on a unit and take away my privacy in the bathroom.....I think I have to walk away from that type of caring as well.
>
> I don't mind being there for others, but I don't like being "cared for".
>
> Time to wash the dishes.
>
> Sandra
>
>
>
Posted by SandyWeb on April 15, 2004, at 16:54:12
In reply to Re: One Last Thing » SandyWeb, posted by LynneDa on April 14, 2004, at 11:43:51
I'm not where I'm supposed to be.
I missed a step during my journey.
And now it's too late. This is what it is.
I can't make our lives any better.
In fact, I've taken the kids straight down with me.
What can they hope for, when I can't even send them to University now?
Nothing is going to change now.
I know this is so.
I want to disappear. I want to shut down. I do not want to THINK, to FEEL, to SENSE.....
I would love to go back and find that step I missed.....but that's not reality, is it?
I'm where I am....and I'm not going any further forward.
I've had almost a month to get around this in my head.....and there's nothing to get around.
I was given the wonderful gift of life....to look for my reason to be given this gift.....and to give back for this gift.
I've wasted half my life already........and the other half holds nothing but......well, nothing.
You only get one chance at life.....boy, talk about something major to blow, huh?
And now everyone knows that I'm NOT strong. I'm NOT doing okay with all my baggage. I'm not EVER going to be okay. I faked my way right up until I couldn't fake it anymore. Lookee, lookee. This is the real Sandra. Messed up, and now without anything to lay my sights upon. Nothing to give me a reason for having been placed in this world. I can't give back. I take and take, and I'll never be anything but a drain now. It breaks my spirit.
Foggy, rainy tonight. I think I'll go out. I'm not safe inside, I'm not safe outside. So it doesn't really matter where I go. I don't like ME. I wish ME would just disappear. Just stop. Just go away. ME has never been, nor ever will be, of service to anyone. I should have stopped the charade long ago.
Gosh, I feel awful. I was such a fool. And now I'm just an old and tired fool. There is no escape from who you are. I've been found out....I've never been strong. I just thought I could trick myself. Yeah, right.
Posted by SandyWeb on April 15, 2004, at 16:56:42
In reply to Blank, posted by SandyWeb on April 15, 2004, at 16:54:12
And I'm not looking for responses.
I don't want any responses.
Responses don't change a thing.
I'm just writing to hear myself talk.
Bye.
Posted by LynneDa on April 15, 2004, at 17:06:17
In reply to Re: Blank, posted by SandyWeb on April 15, 2004, at 16:56:42
Sandra - Can I just say . . .
I totally understand how you feel.
I've been there.
I could've written those words myself many, many times.
I've hated myself with such ferocity I'm surprised I'm still here.But, I am. And so are you. And who are we to question why. I am sure your last act has not yet been written. But, I'm glad you keep writing here.
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
And I'm not looking for responses.
>
> I don't want any responses.
>
> Responses don't change a thing.
>
> I'm just writing to hear myself talk.
>
> Bye.
>
Posted by SandyWeb on April 15, 2004, at 18:38:50
In reply to Re: Blank » SandyWeb, posted by LynneDa on April 15, 2004, at 17:06:17
Hi Lynne,
I just got back from a 1 1/2 hour walk. Was it ever cold!! Burrzy!
Anyways, have the makings of a temp plan. Have to think it through some more. But at least it's something.
I'll let you know more later.
Sandy
Posted by fallsfall on April 15, 2004, at 19:48:04
In reply to Re: Blank » LynneDa, posted by SandyWeb on April 15, 2004, at 18:38:50
A year ago, I had a suicide plan - just looking for a date. I had been depressed for 8 years, things were getting worse, not better. I was in so much pain that I couldn't stand it. I could see no way that things would improve.
Today I walked in to my therapy session and said "I have a theory about my depression". He called it a "huge insight". My how much difference a year can make - but I had to "think outside the box" to get here.
Best of luck, Sandy.
Posted by jlynne on April 15, 2004, at 22:29:00
In reply to Re: Blank » SandyWeb, posted by fallsfall on April 15, 2004, at 19:48:04
Sandy, my love, I am so sorry . . . my computer has crashed and I haven't been able to post. I am using my work computer tonight.
My poor darling . . . I wish I could sit by your side and look into your eyes and share our friendship in person. I want to reach out to you and wrap my arms around you and share the hope I feel. It really does get better, sweetheart; I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but it will . . . I promise.
Thank you for writing, even when you are feeling so lost. You are hanging on, and I know how hard it must be for you right now. You are a dear, sweet soul, and I know that you want to get better.
I will ask God to send an angel to comfort you, and give you hope, so you be looking around for her, okay?
Sleep well, and peace be upon you tonight, Sandy.
((((Angels)))) ((((HUGS)))) ((((soft strokes))))
...jlynne
Posted by SandyWeb on April 16, 2004, at 7:58:49
In reply to Sandy, posted by jlynne on April 15, 2004, at 22:29:00
Hi jlynne,
Long time, no hear. What would we ever do without computers?? Lol!
I was going through some of my paperwork yesterday and today, and I stumbled across an 8-page suicide letter from a friend of mine. He wrote it to me back in March of 1996. I had known him since Primary, and I got back in touch with him after the kids and I left hubby.....just for friendship's sake.
So much of what he wrote makes sense to me now. He expresses thoughts and feelings that I have now. He freaked me out back then, but now I understand just what he was saying. Suicide is so universal, isn't it? And he says that I was his angel.....that just when he thought he couldn't trudge through another day, this person comes back into his life from his childhood. He says he thought I was an answer from God when he picked up the phone and it was me on the line.
Well, I was too messed up from hubby to be of much use to ANYONE at that point. I wish I could have been more of a support for him.
I can't read the rest of the letter. I tend to let everyone down.
I had a "plan" last night, after my walk in the nasty fog and drizzle. At least it gave me a little bit more time for this world. But after getting home and getting into bed, I realized that all I'm trying to do is buy some time and that nothing is going to change.....so why buy the time in the first place? I just want to S-C-R-E-A-M!
I have money coming in on Tuesday. I'm very tempted to just take it all, go to a very nice hotel, treat myself with a wonderful meal and a relaxing soak in a gorgeous tub, and then not coming back. And if I do come back....well, I would have just spent all my bill money.....so I wouldn't be able to take care of my responsibilities.....so another reason not to come back. (Hey, and I didn't know that a rental lease could be broken via a doctor's letter! That's good news for any decision).
Good luck with your computer. My system is just a modge-podge of parts that my sister put together for me. Hey, but it's a Pentium! Lol! You'd never know it by looking at the casing, though! Ha!!
And as the maracas keep shaking in my head (argh!!!!!), I wish you all the best!!!!
Hugs,
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on April 16, 2004, at 8:08:17
In reply to Re: Blank » SandyWeb, posted by fallsfall on April 15, 2004, at 19:48:04
Hi fallsfall,
Where do we come up with such names? I think I must be the most unimaginative emailer on this board! Lol!
I am so happy that yesterday was a turning point for you. I've been told, all through school, that I had such insight.....but it doesn't seem to be turned on anymore. Lol! Congrats for having the courage and the ENERGY to think outside the box. You've put a lot of work into yourself. Don't start second-guessing yourself now. If it feels right to you, then you know you must be on the right track. WooHoo!!!! *big smiles*
Hey, maybe I should take you to the hotel with me?? We could sit up all night ordering room service and having pillow fights!! Lol!! It's gotta be better than brooding in a bubble bath.
Take care, hun!!!!!
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on April 16, 2004, at 16:37:26
In reply to Sandy, posted by jlynne on April 15, 2004, at 22:29:00
And another door SLAMS in my face.
I go down to get the mail right now, and there's a letter from Community Services. Turns out that they will be holding my Welfare due to my non-response to meet with my worker to do the annual review.
Well, I didn't receive a letter stating she wanted a review. It's only held every year or year and a half, and it's no big deal. How much in your bank account (zero), any assets (zero), any income from properties (zero), etc. Sign on the dotted line, and you're set for another year.
So now I have 30 days to appeal their decision. And I'm tooooo TIRED to go through this crap.
SLAM, SLAM, SLAM. I'm telling you, someone really wants me in that grave!!!!
So now what? What the "bleep, bleep, bleepity-bleep" am I to do now?? My brain's not firing on all cylinders at the time anyways, so I don't even want to THINK about all this.
I'm too tired, and this is just too much door-slamming for me in the past month.
I just feel dead.
Posted by LynneDa on April 16, 2004, at 16:51:42
In reply to Let Me Kick You While You're Down, posted by SandyWeb on April 16, 2004, at 16:37:26
Sandy - I'm so sorry to hear that. Bureaucracy sucks! Pick a time next week when you're at your best and give them a call. Wish I could help you through this. I know how you feel, not having energy to deal with putting a meal together or getting the kids in the tub and in bed, let alone bigger things!!
When you get sick, it's like a house of cards or dominoes. Everything is affected by it and it can seem like it's all crashing in on you, one thing after another, but it's really all the same thing (if that makes sense).
What can I do to help? I wish I could make a phone call for you and get it straightened out. Dare I mention asking your sister to help you? I know you'll say no, but I bet she'd help :-)!
Simus was talking about weight gain as we get older and how humbling it is. The whole mental illness thing is pretty humbling, isn't it?!?!
Someone really wants to test you. I can't pretend to know why. Hang in there Sandy, I'll be thinking good thoughts about you over the weekend!!!
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
And another door SLAMS in my face.
>
> I go down to get the mail right now, and there's a letter from Community Services. Turns out that they will be holding my Welfare due to my non-response to meet with my worker to do the annual review.
>
> Well, I didn't receive a letter stating she wanted a review. It's only held every year or year and a half, and it's no big deal. How much in your bank account (zero), any assets (zero), any income from properties (zero), etc. Sign on the dotted line, and you're set for another year.
>
> So now I have 30 days to appeal their decision. And I'm tooooo TIRED to go through this crap.
>
> SLAM, SLAM, SLAM. I'm telling you, someone really wants me in that grave!!!!
>
> So now what? What the "bleep, bleep, bleepity-bleep" am I to do now?? My brain's not firing on all cylinders at the time anyways, so I don't even want to THINK about all this.
>
> I'm too tired, and this is just too much door-slamming for me in the past month.
>
> I just feel dead.
>
>
Posted by mystic on April 16, 2004, at 17:25:31
In reply to Let Me Kick You While You're Down, posted by SandyWeb on April 16, 2004, at 16:37:26
Hey sandy...Hang in there...I know that you are feeling pretty shitty but things have got to get better...look into those wonderful childrens faces and see that they are your life and they need you and they will bring you back...Please try to get on some meds and try to feel better there are soooo many things out there and patience is not a friend of ours but you have to do it for them...I have a friend that is pretty depressed also and I just dont know what to say except there will be a rainbow there just will be...luvya keep the faith ...Mystic
Posted by fallsfall on April 16, 2004, at 18:58:06
In reply to Re: Blank » fallsfall, posted by SandyWeb on April 16, 2004, at 8:08:17
Sandy,
My name is because when I needed a new name I was living next to a waterfall. I could see it from my bedroom (and kitchen) window. I could hear it all year long. And what was so amazing to me was that the falls kept falling. The water never stopped. It slowed down in the summer a little, but in the spring there was so much water! Even when the river was frozen solid, the falls kept falling. So: falls fall. It was amazing to me.
I guess that I keep going too. I told you my little story because I wanted you to know that I understand how bleak things can be. I was sure that nothing could change that would make things better. That I would be in that much pain until I died, and I couldn't live in that much pain for long. But I postponed things for my daughter. And I'm glad that I did.
Because even though I couldn't see any way - not ANY WAY - for things to get better, they did. They got better because I took a risk (what did I have to lose, really?). At that time, I was sure that nothing could help. I think that you are feeling beaten down - and that you don't see how things could change to make life bearable. I'm trying to tell you that I felt that way, too. But things did change.
Of course, today I saw my therapist again, and try as I might I couldn't find that insight again. But I know it is there, and it will surface again. And things can change.
That's all I'm hoping that you will see - that even when it looks like nothing can help, there IS something that can help. Please look for that something. It's not going to be right in front of your eyes, or you would have seen it already. It is hiding, but probably not too hidden - look around, look for it.
Maybe your friend who wrote that letter could help you.
Posted by Dr. Bob on April 17, 2004, at 12:55:03
In reply to RE: Hey sandy, posted by mystic on April 16, 2004, at 17:25:31
> I know that you are feeling pretty sh[*]tty
Sorry to interrupt, but please don't use language that could offend others.
If you have any questions or comments about this or about posting policies in general, or are interested in alternative ways of expressing yourself, please see the FAQ:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#civil
or redirect a follow-up to Psycho-Babble Administration.
Thanks,
Bob
Posted by spoc on April 17, 2004, at 14:07:53
In reply to RE: please be civil » mystic, posted by Dr. Bob on April 17, 2004, at 12:55:03
> > I know that you are feeling pretty sh[*]tty>
--
> Sorry to interrupt, but please don't use language that could offend others.>
> Thanks,
> Bob
--
Hoo hoo, did I ever see THAT coming! But wanted to say mystic (besides hi, pleased to meet you), that I know as we all surely do that you mean well and were just "keepin it real!" I'm pretty "real" myself where I know I can get away with it! Thought I'd say that just in case you, like me, can easily end up taking things personally that you shouldn't. ;- )
Posted by mystic on April 17, 2004, at 14:48:16
In reply to RE: please be civil, posted by spoc on April 17, 2004, at 14:07:53
Wow Me Bad...oooppppss....
Posted by jlynne on April 19, 2004, at 19:33:07
In reply to Let Me Kick You While You're Down, posted by SandyWeb on April 16, 2004, at 16:37:26
Hey, Sandy, I'm back:~) How you doin' sweetie? Not too well, from reading your posts, eh? What a bummer to have all this come down on you one right after the other.
It's ok if you don't feel like talking right now - I understand. But I will keep posting to you because I know you are reading, and I know that it helps. I'm sorry I've been away, not much I could do about it - the 'puter gods were angry with me:(
Oh, by the way, when we all go on Oprah together, you can be the one who punches out the idiot in the audience who tries to give us a bad time, okay? LOL {i thought you might like that:~)}
Hang in there, love.
I pray for you every night:~)
((((LOVE)))) ((((PRAYERS)))) ((((soft strokes))))
...jlynne
Posted by SandyWeb on April 20, 2004, at 20:21:39
In reply to Sandy, posted by jlynne on April 19, 2004, at 19:33:07
??
Posted by SandyWeb on April 20, 2004, at 20:23:41
In reply to Re: Sandy, posted by SandyWeb on April 20, 2004, at 20:21:39
Is anyone up for a chat tonight?
I'm so wound up, and it just keeps getting worse each day.
I couldn't even remember my dang password to get back on this thread. Argh!
Posted by SandyWeb on April 20, 2004, at 20:30:16
In reply to Wound Up Tonight (Trigger), posted by SandyWeb on April 20, 2004, at 20:23:41
Never mind, never mind, never mind.
I'm going to take a walk or something. I can't just sit around here waiting to see if someone will respond. I need to do something.
Cya!
Sandry
Posted by jlynne on April 20, 2004, at 20:39:09
In reply to Re: Wound Up Tonight (Trigger), posted by SandyWeb on April 20, 2004, at 20:30:16
Sorry i missed you, dear . . . i just got off work (time difference, you know). I am going to grab a sandwich and then i will be in babble open for awhile, but i will check back in here, too:~)
Have a nice walk!
((((HUGS))))
...jlynne
Posted by SandyWeb on April 20, 2004, at 20:55:37
In reply to Re: Wound Up Tonight (Trigger) » SandyWeb, posted by jlynne on April 20, 2004, at 20:39:09
Don't bother.
I don't want to talk anymore.
Posted by jlynne on April 20, 2004, at 21:22:23
In reply to Re: » jlynne, posted by SandyWeb on April 20, 2004, at 20:55:37
Sandy, I am here if you change your mind.
I'm sorry your world seems so dark right now; I wish I could say something that would give you some hope, or maybe a smile. You are a very bright woman, Sandy, and you will get through this. I think your intelligence is probably what is making it more difficult for you (ah, for ignorant bliss!).
I have had a lot of losses and disappointments in my life, too, sweetie. It is possible to rise above this.
((((HUGS)))) ((((soft strokes))))
...jlynne
Posted by SandyWeb on April 20, 2004, at 22:46:25
In reply to Sandy, posted by jlynne on April 20, 2004, at 21:22:23
What, am I still alive?
And as I turn on the lamp over the computer, a bulb burns out. And it makes it shadowy. And not quite real. And yet, I still find myself here.
I don't cry anymore. I walk, and I sleep, and I walk some more.
Everyone seems to have left me without saying good-bye. And so I turn my back and keep on walking. I wouldn't want anyone to be a part of my life, anyways. I tend to cause pain, and people have enough of their own to deal with. It's too much to take on another's.
The police said that I was a fighter. That I had extroidinary life and survivor skills. That there was a place for me. But they are mistaken. They see what they want to believe in. I was too insecure to stand up for myself. I don't have "survivor" skills.....I have "hiding" skills. Hide from the world, hide from myself....hide from God.
I've been cutting my arm the past few days. Nothing major....very easy to clean up. But there is something about the discomfort....something about the pain and the punishment that I take upon myself. It seems to allow me not to be so angry with myself. And it keeps me hard and untouchable. I'm not going to allow anyone to make me cry again.
It's a strange place that I find myself in now. I don't quite know what to make of it. But no matter where you go, you have to find some sort of comfort zone.....something that keeps you from floundering. I don't know where I am right now....but I guess the cutting helps me to not go under. It keeps me in the day.....because tomorrow is too much to think about.
I wish the two cops had said good-bye to me. We were chatting a bit via email, and I felt a certain amount of trust towards them. I told them a few things.....but that's where I made my mistake. I allowed them to see a bit of who I am, and that's not fair to them. I involved them in my life, and that means a certain amount of distress for them if something ends up happening with me. I should never share myself, even if it's a little here and a little there. I'm smaller than a speck on an iceberg......I don't want to cause anyone to feel sad.
But I still wish they had said good-bye when I told them that it was best if I leave them alone. I sensed a really nice friendship between the two of them, and it would have been comforting to know that maybe they thought well of me. Ah well, I should learn to keep close to myself. No one needs to know even the slightest inkling of what my life has been like. My life has been an absolute blessing compared to some other people's. I'm not that self-important.
The sun will be coming up on another day soon.
I think it's supposed to rain.
I should close my eyes.
Take care. God bless.
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on April 21, 2004, at 0:05:06
In reply to Re: Sandy » jlynne, posted by SandyWeb on April 20, 2004, at 22:46:25
Well, that was odd.
The two cops showed up tonight.
I was in the bathroom, brushing my teeth, and I thought I heard someone rat-a-tat-tapping on my door.
And sure enough it was them.
Odd timing.
It was nice to see them again, but....I have to be careful what I say. I just don't want to go back to the hospital, you know?
And it all just takes time. Just give me the time, and I'll probably get through this by myself. Haven't I always? You can only rely upon yourself, right? No one else needs or deserves that added burden.
After 2am here. Nighty-night.
Sandy
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