Posted by SandyWeb on April 15, 2004, at 16:54:12
In reply to Re: One Last Thing » SandyWeb, posted by LynneDa on April 14, 2004, at 11:43:51
I'm not where I'm supposed to be.
I missed a step during my journey.
And now it's too late. This is what it is.
I can't make our lives any better.
In fact, I've taken the kids straight down with me.
What can they hope for, when I can't even send them to University now?
Nothing is going to change now.
I know this is so.
I want to disappear. I want to shut down. I do not want to THINK, to FEEL, to SENSE.....
I would love to go back and find that step I missed.....but that's not reality, is it?
I'm where I am....and I'm not going any further forward.
I've had almost a month to get around this in my head.....and there's nothing to get around.
I was given the wonderful gift of life....to look for my reason to be given this gift.....and to give back for this gift.
I've wasted half my life already........and the other half holds nothing but......well, nothing.
You only get one chance at life.....boy, talk about something major to blow, huh?
And now everyone knows that I'm NOT strong. I'm NOT doing okay with all my baggage. I'm not EVER going to be okay. I faked my way right up until I couldn't fake it anymore. Lookee, lookee. This is the real Sandra. Messed up, and now without anything to lay my sights upon. Nothing to give me a reason for having been placed in this world. I can't give back. I take and take, and I'll never be anything but a drain now. It breaks my spirit.
Foggy, rainy tonight. I think I'll go out. I'm not safe inside, I'm not safe outside. So it doesn't really matter where I go. I don't like ME. I wish ME would just disappear. Just stop. Just go away. ME has never been, nor ever will be, of service to anyone. I should have stopped the charade long ago.
Gosh, I feel awful. I was such a fool. And now I'm just an old and tired fool. There is no escape from who you are. I've been found out....I've never been strong. I just thought I could trick myself. Yeah, right.
poster:SandyWeb
thread:327575
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040414/msgs/336683.html