![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by greywolf on March 29, 2004, at 22:48:10
After 15 years of this, I'm starting to lose my sense of humor. At the risk of spreading morose, I'm kind of at wit's end when it comes to why things have been bad for so long. I'm hoping some fresh eyes might see things I haven't.
I'm a 40 year old guy, diagnosed as bipolar 5 years ago. I'm in the BP II category, with severe recurring depression, usually of 2-3 weeks duration when untreated, and punctuated afterwards by a day or three of hypomania. During bad depressive episodes, I miss work, skip social engagements, and generally dissociate until the worst passes. At one point a few years ago I lost interest to the point that I became so dehydrated that it took IVs to bring me back to a proper state. It's usually not nearly that bad, but what it normally is is bad enough.
The hypomania is both exhilirating and terrifying. While I remain in reality and don't suffer from the extremes of a BP I, the range is extreme enough for my taste. On the plus side, I'm never more creative or productive. I can write for 2 or 3 days straight with no more than an hour or two of sleep each day. My clients are thrilled with my energy, my house is never cleaner, and my friends are never more entertained.
On the other hand, those few days each month often end up costing me hundreds of bucks I really shouldn't be spending. You name it, I'll do it--need someone to make an ass out of himself in a drinking contest with guys half his age? I'm your man. Impromptu tattoo on a moments notice, even sober? Give me a call. And don't even bother challenging me to pick up the hottest girl in the place; I could look like the Elephant Man and I won't back down from that gauntlet. Success doesn't matter, just as long as things get crazy. My natural shyness and longing for solitude are burned away by this almost out of control energy. It sometimes feels like a physical attack, the drive is so strong. With alcohol or without, the result's the same: I'll work, play, party, or talk until I have nothing left but exhaustion.
Of course, you know where it goes next. Depression descends on its albatross wings, and roosts for far longer than it had been absent. Over the years, I've learned more about myself and BP, so I've been better about not placing myself in situations where my manic drive can be exploited to its full potential. I'll cancel social engagements and sit home, sometimes literally bouncing off the walls. Or my lonely mountain bike will get a sudden and overly vigorous workout that my body remembers for days.
But I've never been able to get a handle on the depression. It's onset is strong, and it's pretty unrelenting during its course. I rarely have just passing unhappiness. It's almost always pervasive, and staggering when it hits. I try to get my butt to work, then I get there and spend the day on the edge of despair, all the while smiling at my colleagues and trying to present a semblance of the outgoing guy they prefer to remember from "that great party last week." And since any sign of personal weakness is a huge defect for someone in my job, the thought of confiding in even my closest friend at work is unthinkable. So I go on with the tightrope gig, maintaining the pretense that nothing's wrong though I sometimes feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown.
I wish that was the end of the story, but I've been blessed with one other little problem: OCD. From what I gather, your classic type of OCD. Constant intrusive thoughts. Numerous types of repetitive behavior linked to feelings of impending demise or unrealistically disastrous consequences if the behavior isn't performed properly (e.g., turning the light switch on and off until I can turn the light off on a positive mental note; doing the same with the refrigerator door, the toilet, trying to close a book I'm reading; real anguish if my morning routine doesn't happen in the exact same order every time; constantly counting down from the number 20; constantly clicking on hyperlinks when I'm on-line because at the moment I clicked the last one, a negative thought entered my mind and if I don't click on something else with a positive thought in mind, something bad will happen. You get the idea. Some days I look down and realize I have to close on the order of 15 browser windows before I can shut down my computer. The list goes on and on.
Of course, there's a humorous side. My family and some close friends are minimally aware of the OCD problem, but I spend a lot of time masking it every day, so it disappears in the background for them. One of the things I'm most keen to suppress are a repetitive head shake and shoulder shrug that I consciously control when I'm around other people, but let go when no one's around--like when I'm driving alone in my car. Unfortunately, I forget that other drivers can see me, and twice in the past month I must have been shaking my head somewhat strongly while driving because on separate days I had drivers in front of me pull into the right lane, then give me the finger as I went buy. Since I wasn't tailgating or otherwise being offensive, I have to guess that they thought I was driving along behind them for miles shaking my head at them.
Anyway, the OCD is getting out of control now, and it's starting to be as much of an interference as the bipolar. For quite some time I had given up on antidepressants and therapy since nothing seemed to work and I was told the only avenue left to me was ECT. For probably baseless fears, I rejected ECT, and the going has been a little tough without any treatment for a couple years. I used to think I was at least maintaining my position, treading water but at least not getting worse. Of course, that was a lie, and now I'm back to the pharmaceutical gerbil wheel.
The Effexor and Lexapro and Trazodone and Wellbutrin and Xanax and whatever's next on the list will work itself out in time to a likely less than effective but better than nothing state,
so my need isn't necessarily for advice on a drug regimen. Instead, I wonder if there's really any hope. You know, the close at hand kind, not the generalized "everyone's gotta have hope" kind. I've been grasping at straws for so long, hope is starting to feel like a compulsive reaction in itself.Other than my doctor and the good people on this board, I am alone in this. My colleagues don't know, my girlfriend doesn't know, and I caused my family so much pain with these problems in the past that I can't bring myself to cause them such unhappiness again. So constructive advice would be much appreciated. Thanks.
Posted by fayeroe on March 30, 2004, at 6:37:26
In reply to Maybe you can live my life better, posted by greywolf on March 29, 2004, at 22:48:10
I don't know if I can be of any help to you whatsoever.....but I really feel for you. After reading your post I can see that you are a really strong individual who has had to fight a real fight for a long time to stay in the game. Your sense of humour is evident and for me, it is a saving grace. If I could not laugh at my situation occasionally, I'd really go over the edge. I hope you find some answers. Best, Pat
Posted by greywolf on March 30, 2004, at 8:45:52
In reply to Re: Maybe you can live my life better » greywolf, posted by fayeroe on March 30, 2004, at 6:37:26
Pat:
Thanks for the thoughts. It's nice to hear positive things because there's no one else here to talk this stuff over with. I may bring it up with my best friend at work, but I'm a little gunshy because of how badly some people here responded to an acute episode I had 5 years ago.
Thanks again.
> I don't know if I can be of any help to you whatsoever.....but I really feel for you. After reading your post I can see that you are a really strong individual who has had to fight a real fight for a long time to stay in the game. Your sense of humour is evident and for me, it is a saving grace. If I could not laugh at my situation occasionally, I'd really go over the edge. I hope you find some answers. Best, Pat
Posted by rainyday on March 30, 2004, at 9:03:29
In reply to Maybe you can live my life better, posted by greywolf on March 29, 2004, at 22:48:10
Greywolf, I hear you too. (I'm BP2 and have GAD.) It really feels like I am getting nowhere, or even backwards. The strain of "keeping up appearances" is enormous. I look at homeless people on the street and I can completely see myself ending up there if I $#@! up.
You are a tremendously strong person. Protective of others. I too am looking for a handle to grasp on to, to pull me out of the depths. I can't concentrate at work, I can't follow conversations, and totally put myself down constantly. There has to be a way to grapple with this depression.
And when the hypomania kicks in, I can tackle the whole world, with one hand tied behind my back. With both hands tied behind my back. On one foot! Grrrrr-uff!
Posted by greywolf on March 30, 2004, at 10:09:55
In reply to Re: Maybe you can live my life better » greywolf, posted by rainyday on March 30, 2004, at 9:03:29
Rainyday:
It's disheartening isn't it? If you let people see how you really live, they couldn't help but get the idea that there really is a problem. But their response is a real concern. In my experience, not too many people are truly comfortable knowing about the real extent of someone's bipolar problems, and those who want to know even if they aren't comfortable tend to be the family and friends you'll cause the most worry and unhappiness to if you tell them. Ergo, the masking.
Of course, you can become so good at hiding what's going on that right when you need support the most, you can't go to your friends because they'd never take it seriously. I doubt my friends could even comprehend part of the hell I feel I'm in because they would be so shocked to find out I'm not the happy guy they think I am (I think some suspect that there's something wrong, but in a good way--like "he's one of those creative types, so he's a little zany"). If they only knew how much effort it takes to maintain a facade consistent with the hypomanic states they most often associate with me.
Hang in there.
Posted by rainyday on March 30, 2004, at 10:11:39
In reply to Re: Maybe you can live my life better » rainyday, posted by greywolf on March 30, 2004, at 10:09:55
You hang in there too.
Posted by kid47 on March 30, 2004, at 10:51:20
In reply to Maybe you can live my life better, posted by greywolf on March 29, 2004, at 22:48:10
hello. We are similar. I am a male in my forties. I was dx'd Bipolar I ultra rapid cycler quite a few years ago. I relate to an awful lot of what you say. However, for me meds were the difference between life and death. It did take a very long time and several docs before I found the right cocktail. Meds also gave me the opportunity to feel well enough to change my lifestyle. That has perhaps been the most long lasting and profound effect. Don't give up on medical intervention. You might check over on the med board. Lots of good info and smart people there. Good luck.
kid
Posted by TexasChic on March 30, 2004, at 11:17:09
In reply to Maybe you can live my life better, posted by greywolf on March 29, 2004, at 22:48:10
The people on this board understand only too well what you're going through, and that's something, right? I think we are in an age where they are just beginning to understand mental illness, but they don't quite know how to treat it yet. So here we are trying to treat ourselves. I like to think people like us will be considered the pioneers, the ones who searched unceasingly for answers. Our efforts just may lead to a better way of life for the future generation, and they will never have to go through what we have.
Posted by greywolf on March 30, 2004, at 12:24:04
In reply to Re: Maybe you can live my life better, posted by TexasChic on March 30, 2004, at 11:17:09
That's a nice way of looking at it, TexasChic. Unfortunately, I don't feel Crockett-esque too often. More like Algernon.
> The people on this board understand only too well what you're going through, and that's something, right? I think we are in an age where they are just beginning to understand mental illness, but they don't quite know how to treat it yet. So here we are trying to treat ourselves. I like to think people like us will be considered the pioneers, the ones who searched unceasingly for answers. Our efforts just may lead to a better way of life for the future generation, and they will never have to go through what we have.
Posted by TexasChic on March 30, 2004, at 13:31:08
In reply to Re: Maybe you can live my life better, posted by greywolf on March 30, 2004, at 12:24:04
Okay, I don't really know what that means, but I'm assuming its that you would rather get the help you need than to suffer for mankind, and I can certainly appreciate that. I guess I think of it the way I do because I remember when I was a teenager suffering from debilitating depression, and when I went to the doctor he gave me vitamins. There was no Prozac then, and who would have even thought to ask for antidepressants anyway. They just didn't understand it then. But now I'm able to take medicine that has changed my life. I still have more problems than most, but its a heck of alot better than it was! So that makes me believe that there will be another leap in knowledge somewhere down the road. I guess I just try to look at the big picture. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. But whatever works, right? I hope you can find your reason to keep trying in spite of how disheartening we all know it can be. I hope you realize how much your insight is appreciated on this board. I for one look for your posts because they always give me something to think about.
Posted by greywolf on March 30, 2004, at 14:09:57
In reply to Re: Maybe you can live my life better, posted by TexasChic on March 30, 2004, at 13:31:08
TexasChic:
What I meant was, in terms of your reference to being pioneers, unfortunately I feel more like the mouse Algernon whose brain was experimented on in "Flowers for Algernon" than the pioneer Davey Crockett. I know, lame attempt at humor.
Posted by Angielala on March 30, 2004, at 15:21:06
In reply to Maybe you can live my life better, posted by greywolf on March 29, 2004, at 22:48:10
Hi there...
I'm 25 and have been diagnosed with the same sort of BP as you- same swings even. And I have OCD. And I have ADD. And so on...
I have been on all sorts of medicine, after a lot of fighting, I finially gave in to try yet again, another new drug. Now I'm on Lamictal and I'm in that "new meds are finally working" hypomania, of sorts. This hypo isn't nearly as bad as I usually get.
I understand how you feel, I know that sense of hopelessness, like you want to get off of this ride, yet are too scared to know what "normal" living is like, and you know that suicide isn't better.... I know that OCD train of thought- I have the same type of repetitive thinking- the counting and the good luck/bad luck syndrome... I can relate in so many ways....
But that's the thing, this is what I have found ion Babble- that I'm definitely not the only one that has to go through this everyday. You aren't alone, like you think you are. One thing that's hard for both of us is to talk when we are down, to have someone who can either listen open-mindedly, or can relate... like your friend at work. Start going to other BP websitres, and keep posting here- it's not hope that we are looking for- because we know we are going to wake up the next day- we are looking for understanding. This world makes us feel "sick". I'm starting to find that there are odd blessings that come from our BP... as you said, the creativity is through the roof during those hypos... but there are blessings in the depression part- and I now that sounds odd or even funny, but there are... you and I, we understand what true depressionis, we experience to the extreme. We also experience the highest of highs. Ok- so our "norm" isn't around much, but we are experieincing what others rarely do, which causes us stess and worry. What we need to do is to try and find how we can put this empathy that we hold and this knowledge of the depths of despair and the elation of happiness, and explain life to people, to have others understand that we are actually special people,. not special like Special Olympics, but special in the way that something within us is almost more human than human. I look at the people of our history for hope, people we didn't even know who had BP, like Mary Todd Lincoln- ever hear anything on her? Or Virginia Wolfe... sooo many people who gave the world so much, yet were BP, but didn't know there was a medical term- they thought that they were crazy. Anything out of the norm is crazy, right? Wrong. As much as I try and wish my BP away and try to fool myself out of the OCD, I end up coming to the conclusion that I need BP to live, because without I'd have less understanding.
You have something that makes everyday living more difficult than any "normal" person would know... yet you trek on everyday- give yourself credit for that! Give yourself credit for posting here and asking- you are looking for understanding, and that's a wonderful thing- because when you find people like you, you realize that you aren't the one with the problem, the people who think your actions are not acceptable or weird are the ones with the problem. It's a big step to begin the whole process of trusting yourself. It's hard to trust yourself when you spent $400 on thigns you don't need the week before (story of my life!), but don't give up- the more you start trusting yourself and start seeing yourself through the eyes of someone who puts down the stigma of a mental illness and can see the positive sides. When you find yourself fall from a hypo or seeping into that depression, start something, it doesn't matter what, and finish it. Start with easy things- like a short story, making pre-made cookies, repot a plant, anything like that, that you will enjoy... write down little things like this during your hypos. Remember to look at them in your depressions... once you accomplish a small thing, even if your head doesn't feel any better, you are acutally producing endorphins and seretonin and all that good stuff- accomplishment is an amazing way to fool yourself. Once you are good at that, start with bigger things, a puzzle of something you like, a novel, a movie and write a review (just for you)... these things aren't just getting your mind of things, it's making sure you realize that you are still able to be productive during those sucky times... it make helps, it's hard to start, but it's easy to keep up if you can get your OCD to make it a routine. BP makes us different, we are smarter and more mature and more understanding that those norms out there... practice being nice to yourself, reward yourself for a BAD day rather than a good one when you are down. Think of ways to have fun with out money during your depressions for your hypos... there are a million ways to gain control over ourselves. Our brains are too big for thier britches, so we need to try and ride them out and control the small parts we can.
I could keep going, but I feel as though I'm babbling. Just no that you are so far from alone, and that people just like us LOVE meeting more BPs- the understanding is what's important. Think of yourself as gifted, not as having an illness, because that's what we are, gifted, we just don't know what to do with the gift.
You can email me anytime you'd like to chat- anytime you have a down, rant here, email me... get it out... we are all hear to listen :)
~Lala> After 15 years of this, I'm starting to lose my sense of humor. At the risk of spreading morose, I'm kind of at wit's end when it comes to why things have been bad for so long. I'm hoping some fresh eyes might see things I haven't.
>
> I'm a 40 year old guy, diagnosed as bipolar 5 years ago. I'm in the BP II category, with severe recurring depression, usually of 2-3 weeks duration when untreated, and punctuated afterwards by a day or three of hypomania. During bad depressive episodes, I miss work, skip social engagements, and generally dissociate until the worst passes. At one point a few years ago I lost interest to the point that I became so dehydrated that it took IVs to bring me back to a proper state. It's usually not nearly that bad, but what it normally is is bad enough.
>
> The hypomania is both exhilirating and terrifying. While I remain in reality and don't suffer from the extremes of a BP I, the range is extreme enough for my taste. On the plus side, I'm never more creative or productive. I can write for 2 or 3 days straight with no more than an hour or two of sleep each day. My clients are thrilled with my energy, my house is never cleaner, and my friends are never more entertained.
>
> On the other hand, those few days each month often end up costing me hundreds of bucks I really shouldn't be spending. You name it, I'll do it--need someone to make an ass out of himself in a drinking contest with guys half his age? I'm your man. Impromptu tattoo on a moments notice, even sober? Give me a call. And don't even bother challenging me to pick up the hottest girl in the place; I could look like the Elephant Man and I won't back down from that gauntlet. Success doesn't matter, just as long as things get crazy. My natural shyness and longing for solitude are burned away by this almost out of control energy. It sometimes feels like a physical attack, the drive is so strong. With alcohol or without, the result's the same: I'll work, play, party, or talk until I have nothing left but exhaustion.
>
> Of course, you know where it goes next. Depression descends on its albatross wings, and roosts for far longer than it had been absent. Over the years, I've learned more about myself and BP, so I've been better about not placing myself in situations where my manic drive can be exploited to its full potential. I'll cancel social engagements and sit home, sometimes literally bouncing off the walls. Or my lonely mountain bike will get a sudden and overly vigorous workout that my body remembers for days.
>
> But I've never been able to get a handle on the depression. It's onset is strong, and it's pretty unrelenting during its course. I rarely have just passing unhappiness. It's almost always pervasive, and staggering when it hits. I try to get my butt to work, then I get there and spend the day on the edge of despair, all the while smiling at my colleagues and trying to present a semblance of the outgoing guy they prefer to remember from "that great party last week." And since any sign of personal weakness is a huge defect for someone in my job, the thought of confiding in even my closest friend at work is unthinkable. So I go on with the tightrope gig, maintaining the pretense that nothing's wrong though I sometimes feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown.
>
> I wish that was the end of the story, but I've been blessed with one other little problem: OCD. From what I gather, your classic type of OCD. Constant intrusive thoughts. Numerous types of repetitive behavior linked to feelings of impending demise or unrealistically disastrous consequences if the behavior isn't performed properly (e.g., turning the light switch on and off until I can turn the light off on a positive mental note; doing the same with the refrigerator door, the toilet, trying to close a book I'm reading; real anguish if my morning routine doesn't happen in the exact same order every time; constantly counting down from the number 20; constantly clicking on hyperlinks when I'm on-line because at the moment I clicked the last one, a negative thought entered my mind and if I don't click on something else with a positive thought in mind, something bad will happen. You get the idea. Some days I look down and realize I have to close on the order of 15 browser windows before I can shut down my computer. The list goes on and on.
>
> Of course, there's a humorous side. My family and some close friends are minimally aware of the OCD problem, but I spend a lot of time masking it every day, so it disappears in the background for them. One of the things I'm most keen to suppress are a repetitive head shake and shoulder shrug that I consciously control when I'm around other people, but let go when no one's around--like when I'm driving alone in my car. Unfortunately, I forget that other drivers can see me, and twice in the past month I must have been shaking my head somewhat strongly while driving because on separate days I had drivers in front of me pull into the right lane, then give me the finger as I went buy. Since I wasn't tailgating or otherwise being offensive, I have to guess that they thought I was driving along behind them for miles shaking my head at them.
>
> Anyway, the OCD is getting out of control now, and it's starting to be as much of an interference as the bipolar. For quite some time I had given up on antidepressants and therapy since nothing seemed to work and I was told the only avenue left to me was ECT. For probably baseless fears, I rejected ECT, and the going has been a little tough without any treatment for a couple years. I used to think I was at least maintaining my position, treading water but at least not getting worse. Of course, that was a lie, and now I'm back to the pharmaceutical gerbil wheel.
>
> The Effexor and Lexapro and Trazodone and Wellbutrin and Xanax and whatever's next on the list will work itself out in time to a likely less than effective but better than nothing state,
> so my need isn't necessarily for advice on a drug regimen. Instead, I wonder if there's really any hope. You know, the close at hand kind, not the generalized "everyone's gotta have hope" kind. I've been grasping at straws for so long, hope is starting to feel like a compulsive reaction in itself.
>
> Other than my doctor and the good people on this board, I am alone in this. My colleagues don't know, my girlfriend doesn't know, and I caused my family so much pain with these problems in the past that I can't bring myself to cause them such unhappiness again. So constructive advice would be much appreciated. Thanks.
>
Posted by Angielala on March 30, 2004, at 15:30:17
In reply to Re: Maybe you can live my life better » rainyday, posted by greywolf on March 30, 2004, at 10:09:55
I call myself the sad clown because people who aren't very close to me have no idea what I'm like in real life- instead I put on a happy face. I have had so many bad experiences with telling people my story at work, and then have them turn it around on me. I got fired from my last job for being "sick". Then comes the question- who the heck is it safe to tell. If people weren't jackbutts (hehe) then they'd be smart and do a little research when they find a co-worker or friend has BP, and then they'd realized that the way it's depicted on TV or in the news is not the full story of what BP is and how people who have it are. It would be like if someone had asthma and was always in a bad mood- then someone meets another person with asthma and assumes they are always in a bad mood. Don't give too much intellecutal credit to too many people... they need to be baby-ed.
I have explained to my closest friends why I am the way I am, and I reinterate when I need to, and they have finally done research. Now when I hide, they find me (which sucks because I wanted to be alone) but by finding me, I end up snapping out of it a little.
Man, people stink
> Rainyday:
>
> It's disheartening isn't it? If you let people see how you really live, they couldn't help but get the idea that there really is a problem. But their response is a real concern. In my experience, not too many people are truly comfortable knowing about the real extent of someone's bipolar problems, and those who want to know even if they aren't comfortable tend to be the family and friends you'll cause the most worry and unhappiness to if you tell them. Ergo, the masking.
>
> Of course, you can become so good at hiding what's going on that right when you need support the most, you can't go to your friends because they'd never take it seriously. I doubt my friends could even comprehend part of the hell I feel I'm in because they would be so shocked to find out I'm not the happy guy they think I am (I think some suspect that there's something wrong, but in a good way--like "he's one of those creative types, so he's a little zany"). If they only knew how much effort it takes to maintain a facade consistent with the hypomanic states they most often associate with me.
>
> Hang in there.
Posted by Angielala on March 30, 2004, at 15:31:40
In reply to Re: Maybe you can live my life better, posted by TexasChic on March 30, 2004, at 11:17:09
Texas- you hit the nail on the head!
> The people on this board understand only too well what you're going through, and that's something, right? I think we are in an age where they are just beginning to understand mental illness, but they don't quite know how to treat it yet. So here we are trying to treat ourselves. I like to think people like us will be considered the pioneers, the ones who searched unceasingly for answers. Our efforts just may lead to a better way of life for the future generation, and they will never have to go through what we have.
Posted by fayeroe on March 30, 2004, at 17:40:13
In reply to You are the driver, BP is the fuel..., posted by Angielala on March 30, 2004, at 15:21:06
but there are blessings in the depression part- and I now that sounds odd or even funny, but there are...
I think that people who are depressed are also generally very creative.......it can be in lots of different areas....not just art, etc. I know that some of my best photographs have come from deep down inside and I've found things that I didn't know I possessed because I was depressed.......I look at my photographs and can immediately remember where I was with my depression! (I also photograph Indian rodeo and I can look at a photograph and tell you what year it was, what arena it was in, etc....now if I could just remember where I put my socks!)Anyway, I do see that there are blessings that come from our being depressed and "mentally ill". Understanding other's problems is also something that we usually handle very well. It's a mixed bag!!!
Posted by greywolf on March 30, 2004, at 22:17:07
In reply to You are the driver, BP is the fuel..., posted by Angielala on March 30, 2004, at 15:21:06
Angielala:
Thanks to you and everyone else for the kind thoughts. You've obviously put a lot of thought into your situation and have been able to pull some good out of the bad.
I wish I could be more like that. I've spent years trying to work some sustained benefit from being who I am into my daily life, even long, long ago before I sought any type of help and had no idea why I was so unhappy when I had every reason to be thrilled with life (and a million people to tell me so). Now, frankly, I'm just exhausted by it all. I take little solace in the creative aspect of the depression-hypomania continuum. Yah, it's nice to feel that extra something that makes the product of your labors seem more meaningful or intense or whatever, but is it worth the pain? I mean, it's not like I'm curing cancer here. I'm not saving starving babies in the Third World or bringing fire to the natives. Quite honestly, I've been told many times that my writing has a distinguishable quality to it, and usually that's meant in a complimentary sense (though you might not be able to tell from these posts). I doubt, however, that I would approach any degree of inadequacy if I didn't have that intangible "gift" from bipolar. So I've been struggling to accept the theory that there's an upside here.
Please don't think I'm despondent or anything like that as I write this. These musings today are more the product of reflection than anything else. I have many people and things in my life to be thankful for, but I can rarely enjoy them. That I can appreciate how I've been blessed in many ways makes it all the more painful when the appreciation so often does not translate to enjoyment--especially when family and friends are left scratching their heads over the umpteenth event I seem "out of." In fact, that's one of the main reasons I've gone back for help after a couple years of trying to go it alone. I'm tired of letting people down while I hole up for days at a time or, alternatively, sit mute when I should be participating and contributing. If meds can help on that score, great. I doubt the long-term efficacy of anything out there right now, but I'm willing to try just about anything once (famous manic line).
So, I hope you don't think I'm too negative, but I've had half a lifetime of these problems, and they only seem to get bigger. Some of you probably know how discouraging it is to know, with certainty, that the next crash is just around the corner. And not just to have an expectation that this will be so, but to perpetually understand even in your happy moments that the joy will be short-lived given the storm on the horizon. I'm sure that sounds more than a little self-pitying, but it's not. Those in our shoes know that it's an accurate, if personalized, description of part of the bipolar experience. I'm just worn out from all the years of it.
Thanks again, Lala, and you other kind people who took the time to read my quasi rant against Fate, and offered kind words of encouragement. I will do my best to return the favor when the opportunity arises.
Posted by Angielala on March 31, 2004, at 9:19:10
In reply to Re: You are the driver, BP is the fuel... » Angielala, posted by greywolf on March 30, 2004, at 22:17:07
I have another idea that might help you. Smoke more pot.
Haha?
:) I understand what you are saying and respect it. I will be honest and tell you that it pained me deep in my stomach while reading your response. I wish I knew what it is that you need to start forgiving yourself. You are too smart for your own good, and that makes everything more difficult. So you need pot, marijiuana, mary jane, weed, grass, apples, trees, tweed. It'll help.
> Angielala:
>
> Thanks to you and everyone else for the kind thoughts. You've obviously put a lot of thought into your situation and have been able to pull some good out of the bad.
>
> I wish I could be more like that. I've spent years trying to work some sustained benefit from being who I am into my daily life, even long, long ago before I sought any type of help and had no idea why I was so unhappy when I had every reason to be thrilled with life (and a million people to tell me so). Now, frankly, I'm just exhausted by it all. I take little solace in the creative aspect of the depression-hypomania continuum. Yah, it's nice to feel that extra something that makes the product of your labors seem more meaningful or intense or whatever, but is it worth the pain? I mean, it's not like I'm curing cancer here. I'm not saving starving babies in the Third World or bringing fire to the natives. Quite honestly, I've been told many times that my writing has a distinguishable quality to it, and usually that's meant in a complimentary sense (though you might not be able to tell from these posts). I doubt, however, that I would approach any degree of inadequacy if I didn't have that intangible "gift" from bipolar. So I've been struggling to accept the theory that there's an upside here.
>
> Please don't think I'm despondent or anything like that as I write this. These musings today are more the product of reflection than anything else. I have many people and things in my life to be thankful for, but I can rarely enjoy them. That I can appreciate how I've been blessed in many ways makes it all the more painful when the appreciation so often does not translate to enjoyment--especially when family and friends are left scratching their heads over the umpteenth event I seem "out of." In fact, that's one of the main reasons I've gone back for help after a couple years of trying to go it alone. I'm tired of letting people down while I hole up for days at a time or, alternatively, sit mute when I should be participating and contributing. If meds can help on that score, great. I doubt the long-term efficacy of anything out there right now, but I'm willing to try just about anything once (famous manic line).
>
> So, I hope you don't think I'm too negative, but I've had half a lifetime of these problems, and they only seem to get bigger. Some of you probably know how discouraging it is to know, with certainty, that the next crash is just around the corner. And not just to have an expectation that this will be so, but to perpetually understand even in your happy moments that the joy will be short-lived given the storm on the horizon. I'm sure that sounds more than a little self-pitying, but it's not. Those in our shoes know that it's an accurate, if personalized, description of part of the bipolar experience. I'm just worn out from all the years of it.
>
> Thanks again, Lala, and you other kind people who took the time to read my quasi rant against Fate, and offered kind words of encouragement. I will do my best to return the favor when the opportunity arises.
Posted by TexasChic on March 31, 2004, at 10:24:17
In reply to Re: Maybe you can live my life better, posted by greywolf on March 30, 2004, at 14:09:57
> TexasChic:
>
> What I meant was, in terms of your reference to being pioneers, unfortunately I feel more like the mouse Algernon whose brain was experimented on in "Flowers for Algernon" than the pioneer Davey Crockett. I know, lame attempt at humor.Greywolf,
No, not lame at all. Just a little over my head. I may be displaying my ignorance when I ask, but who wrote Flower for Algernon? It sounds interesting. I'm an avid reader, but its usually escapist stuff like Stephen King or Michael Crichton.
Oh, and I understand now that you're expressing your disenchantment with bipolar and not just beating yourself up. Sometimes you just need to gripe! I know I do! Mine is more depression with OCD tendencies, and its a pain in my a**!
Hang in there buddy! :-)
Posted by greywolf on March 31, 2004, at 11:06:50
In reply to Re: Maybe you can live my life better, posted by TexasChic on March 31, 2004, at 10:24:17
TexasChic:
Daniel Keyes wrote "Flowers for Algernon" over 30 years ago. It's been characterized as a scifi novel by some, but it's really not (or at least wouldn't be perceived so today). You can check out a review here:
http://www.infinityplus.co.uk/nonfiction/flowers.htm
It doesn't really do the book justice, particularly in describing how heartbreaking the main character is. But it really is a classic.
This is the end of the thread.
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