Posted by Angielala on March 30, 2004, at 15:21:06
In reply to Maybe you can live my life better, posted by greywolf on March 29, 2004, at 22:48:10
Hi there...
I'm 25 and have been diagnosed with the same sort of BP as you- same swings even. And I have OCD. And I have ADD. And so on...
I have been on all sorts of medicine, after a lot of fighting, I finially gave in to try yet again, another new drug. Now I'm on Lamictal and I'm in that "new meds are finally working" hypomania, of sorts. This hypo isn't nearly as bad as I usually get.
I understand how you feel, I know that sense of hopelessness, like you want to get off of this ride, yet are too scared to know what "normal" living is like, and you know that suicide isn't better.... I know that OCD train of thought- I have the same type of repetitive thinking- the counting and the good luck/bad luck syndrome... I can relate in so many ways....
But that's the thing, this is what I have found ion Babble- that I'm definitely not the only one that has to go through this everyday. You aren't alone, like you think you are. One thing that's hard for both of us is to talk when we are down, to have someone who can either listen open-mindedly, or can relate... like your friend at work. Start going to other BP websitres, and keep posting here- it's not hope that we are looking for- because we know we are going to wake up the next day- we are looking for understanding. This world makes us feel "sick". I'm starting to find that there are odd blessings that come from our BP... as you said, the creativity is through the roof during those hypos... but there are blessings in the depression part- and I now that sounds odd or even funny, but there are... you and I, we understand what true depressionis, we experience to the extreme. We also experience the highest of highs. Ok- so our "norm" isn't around much, but we are experieincing what others rarely do, which causes us stess and worry. What we need to do is to try and find how we can put this empathy that we hold and this knowledge of the depths of despair and the elation of happiness, and explain life to people, to have others understand that we are actually special people,. not special like Special Olympics, but special in the way that something within us is almost more human than human. I look at the people of our history for hope, people we didn't even know who had BP, like Mary Todd Lincoln- ever hear anything on her? Or Virginia Wolfe... sooo many people who gave the world so much, yet were BP, but didn't know there was a medical term- they thought that they were crazy. Anything out of the norm is crazy, right? Wrong. As much as I try and wish my BP away and try to fool myself out of the OCD, I end up coming to the conclusion that I need BP to live, because without I'd have less understanding.
You have something that makes everyday living more difficult than any "normal" person would know... yet you trek on everyday- give yourself credit for that! Give yourself credit for posting here and asking- you are looking for understanding, and that's a wonderful thing- because when you find people like you, you realize that you aren't the one with the problem, the people who think your actions are not acceptable or weird are the ones with the problem. It's a big step to begin the whole process of trusting yourself. It's hard to trust yourself when you spent $400 on thigns you don't need the week before (story of my life!), but don't give up- the more you start trusting yourself and start seeing yourself through the eyes of someone who puts down the stigma of a mental illness and can see the positive sides. When you find yourself fall from a hypo or seeping into that depression, start something, it doesn't matter what, and finish it. Start with easy things- like a short story, making pre-made cookies, repot a plant, anything like that, that you will enjoy... write down little things like this during your hypos. Remember to look at them in your depressions... once you accomplish a small thing, even if your head doesn't feel any better, you are acutally producing endorphins and seretonin and all that good stuff- accomplishment is an amazing way to fool yourself. Once you are good at that, start with bigger things, a puzzle of something you like, a novel, a movie and write a review (just for you)... these things aren't just getting your mind of things, it's making sure you realize that you are still able to be productive during those sucky times... it make helps, it's hard to start, but it's easy to keep up if you can get your OCD to make it a routine. BP makes us different, we are smarter and more mature and more understanding that those norms out there... practice being nice to yourself, reward yourself for a BAD day rather than a good one when you are down. Think of ways to have fun with out money during your depressions for your hypos... there are a million ways to gain control over ourselves. Our brains are too big for thier britches, so we need to try and ride them out and control the small parts we can.
I could keep going, but I feel as though I'm babbling. Just no that you are so far from alone, and that people just like us LOVE meeting more BPs- the understanding is what's important. Think of yourself as gifted, not as having an illness, because that's what we are, gifted, we just don't know what to do with the gift.
You can email me anytime you'd like to chat- anytime you have a down, rant here, email me... get it out... we are all hear to listen :)
~Lala> After 15 years of this, I'm starting to lose my sense of humor. At the risk of spreading morose, I'm kind of at wit's end when it comes to why things have been bad for so long. I'm hoping some fresh eyes might see things I haven't.
>
> I'm a 40 year old guy, diagnosed as bipolar 5 years ago. I'm in the BP II category, with severe recurring depression, usually of 2-3 weeks duration when untreated, and punctuated afterwards by a day or three of hypomania. During bad depressive episodes, I miss work, skip social engagements, and generally dissociate until the worst passes. At one point a few years ago I lost interest to the point that I became so dehydrated that it took IVs to bring me back to a proper state. It's usually not nearly that bad, but what it normally is is bad enough.
>
> The hypomania is both exhilirating and terrifying. While I remain in reality and don't suffer from the extremes of a BP I, the range is extreme enough for my taste. On the plus side, I'm never more creative or productive. I can write for 2 or 3 days straight with no more than an hour or two of sleep each day. My clients are thrilled with my energy, my house is never cleaner, and my friends are never more entertained.
>
> On the other hand, those few days each month often end up costing me hundreds of bucks I really shouldn't be spending. You name it, I'll do it--need someone to make an ass out of himself in a drinking contest with guys half his age? I'm your man. Impromptu tattoo on a moments notice, even sober? Give me a call. And don't even bother challenging me to pick up the hottest girl in the place; I could look like the Elephant Man and I won't back down from that gauntlet. Success doesn't matter, just as long as things get crazy. My natural shyness and longing for solitude are burned away by this almost out of control energy. It sometimes feels like a physical attack, the drive is so strong. With alcohol or without, the result's the same: I'll work, play, party, or talk until I have nothing left but exhaustion.
>
> Of course, you know where it goes next. Depression descends on its albatross wings, and roosts for far longer than it had been absent. Over the years, I've learned more about myself and BP, so I've been better about not placing myself in situations where my manic drive can be exploited to its full potential. I'll cancel social engagements and sit home, sometimes literally bouncing off the walls. Or my lonely mountain bike will get a sudden and overly vigorous workout that my body remembers for days.
>
> But I've never been able to get a handle on the depression. It's onset is strong, and it's pretty unrelenting during its course. I rarely have just passing unhappiness. It's almost always pervasive, and staggering when it hits. I try to get my butt to work, then I get there and spend the day on the edge of despair, all the while smiling at my colleagues and trying to present a semblance of the outgoing guy they prefer to remember from "that great party last week." And since any sign of personal weakness is a huge defect for someone in my job, the thought of confiding in even my closest friend at work is unthinkable. So I go on with the tightrope gig, maintaining the pretense that nothing's wrong though I sometimes feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown.
>
> I wish that was the end of the story, but I've been blessed with one other little problem: OCD. From what I gather, your classic type of OCD. Constant intrusive thoughts. Numerous types of repetitive behavior linked to feelings of impending demise or unrealistically disastrous consequences if the behavior isn't performed properly (e.g., turning the light switch on and off until I can turn the light off on a positive mental note; doing the same with the refrigerator door, the toilet, trying to close a book I'm reading; real anguish if my morning routine doesn't happen in the exact same order every time; constantly counting down from the number 20; constantly clicking on hyperlinks when I'm on-line because at the moment I clicked the last one, a negative thought entered my mind and if I don't click on something else with a positive thought in mind, something bad will happen. You get the idea. Some days I look down and realize I have to close on the order of 15 browser windows before I can shut down my computer. The list goes on and on.
>
> Of course, there's a humorous side. My family and some close friends are minimally aware of the OCD problem, but I spend a lot of time masking it every day, so it disappears in the background for them. One of the things I'm most keen to suppress are a repetitive head shake and shoulder shrug that I consciously control when I'm around other people, but let go when no one's around--like when I'm driving alone in my car. Unfortunately, I forget that other drivers can see me, and twice in the past month I must have been shaking my head somewhat strongly while driving because on separate days I had drivers in front of me pull into the right lane, then give me the finger as I went buy. Since I wasn't tailgating or otherwise being offensive, I have to guess that they thought I was driving along behind them for miles shaking my head at them.
>
> Anyway, the OCD is getting out of control now, and it's starting to be as much of an interference as the bipolar. For quite some time I had given up on antidepressants and therapy since nothing seemed to work and I was told the only avenue left to me was ECT. For probably baseless fears, I rejected ECT, and the going has been a little tough without any treatment for a couple years. I used to think I was at least maintaining my position, treading water but at least not getting worse. Of course, that was a lie, and now I'm back to the pharmaceutical gerbil wheel.
>
> The Effexor and Lexapro and Trazodone and Wellbutrin and Xanax and whatever's next on the list will work itself out in time to a likely less than effective but better than nothing state,
> so my need isn't necessarily for advice on a drug regimen. Instead, I wonder if there's really any hope. You know, the close at hand kind, not the generalized "everyone's gotta have hope" kind. I've been grasping at straws for so long, hope is starting to feel like a compulsive reaction in itself.
>
> Other than my doctor and the good people on this board, I am alone in this. My colleagues don't know, my girlfriend doesn't know, and I caused my family so much pain with these problems in the past that I can't bring myself to cause them such unhappiness again. So constructive advice would be much appreciated. Thanks.
>
poster:Angielala
thread:330148
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040324/msgs/330391.html