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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by kellyr on March 19, 2004, at 22:46:40
I have to write a letter to my mom that was very abusive to me growing up and still is, so for therapy i have to write everything she ever done to me, so here i go if anyone wants to read.
When I was about 8yrs. old you where drinking alote, bring strangers home. I didn't feel safe so I put a lock on my door, but you broke it off in one of your rages the day before.It was a school night and you were drinking for a couple of days now and you brung home drunks from the bar or the broadwalk, I don't remeber. You all were drunk and doing drugs that night and you all were so loud that you and them keep me up into the might hour, when I finally got to sleep I was woking by you and this guy falling into my bed, I tried so hard to get out of my bed, but I got caught in my blankets, I fell back into the bed between the wall and the bed, why you too had sex. I was stuck and i tried like hell to get out but all i did was passout.
the next you and him were gone but you shit in my bed. I geuss that what you thought of me.
your so called daughter
Posted by noa on March 20, 2004, at 12:46:37
In reply to writing a letter to my abusive mom, posted by kellyr on March 19, 2004, at 22:46:40
Kelly,
Thank you for showing that to us. This is a powerful exercise for therapy. What an AWFUL experience. How scary that must have been for you as a little girl. I hope this process of writing the letter and talking about it in therapy helps you to begin to heal from the abuse.
Take care!!!
Posted by kellyr on March 20, 2004, at 17:32:42
In reply to Re: writing a letter to my abusive mom » kellyr, posted by noa on March 20, 2004, at 12:46:37
> Kelly,
>
> Thank you for showing that to us. This is a powerful exercise for therapy. What an AWFUL experience. How scary that must have been for you as a little girl. I hope this process of writing the letter and talking about it in therapy helps you to begin to heal from the abuse.
>
> Take care!!!I don't know if it was the right place to write it, but i was wondering if i should show this to my therpist or should i write about less stuff that happen first, like when she tried to strangle me because i did want to huge her, or when she hit me so hard that i went across the room and hit the kichen counter that she blacken my front tooth.ect... i can't help feeling so bad when i think about what happen to me that i just want to disappear under a rock and die.
Posted by EmmyS on March 20, 2004, at 18:30:05
In reply to Re: writing a letter to my abusive mom, posted by kellyr on March 20, 2004, at 17:32:42
Kelly - you might want to stop with what you've written so far, and see how you feel. If it's so upsetting that it starts really affecting your ability to cope with life...time to stop writing for now. Like if you are in school, but the writing is making you unable to do school work, of if you have a job and you can't focus at work. You know? Don't push yourself tooooo hard. When do you see your T again? so you can share what you've done so far?
Dealing with childhood abuse is really really stressful. Please don't put yourself through too much too fast. Do some nice things for yourself too. Spend some time doing things you enjoy to sort of balance out the rough stuff, OK?
Maybe post a list here of the things you enjoy doing, and tell us what you plan to do to stay balanced? That way all us babblers can keep an eye on you! We are a bunch of mother hens, you know!
Please take care of yourself.
Emmy
Posted by Jai Narayan on March 20, 2004, at 19:09:18
In reply to writing a letter to my abusive mom, posted by kellyr on March 19, 2004, at 22:46:40
It's amazing to have a mother that can do things to you that will change your life.
Kelly you are not alone.
My mom was no piece a cake. I understand that you must have been feeling so alone with this.
Did you have brothers or sisters?
How did you hold it together?
I am amazed how I held it together through the pain of my mother.
How did you do it?
What does it mean you passed out?
Well I have to say you have begun the process of coming back to yourself with this piece that you have shared.
The way home is through the process of going back and retrieving yourself....
you are on your way.
I hope that you never experience anything like this again in your life.
EMDR has helped me with the traumas I have faced in my life.
Posted by noa on March 21, 2004, at 13:46:23
In reply to Re: writing a letter to my abusive mom, posted by kellyr on March 20, 2004, at 17:32:42
(((((Kelly)))))
Hugs to you Kelly.
I think the advice Emmy and Jai gave you sounds good. Let your therapist know how it affected you to write the letter and all the thoughts it brought up. If you feel like you can't turn the thoughts off and it is too much, you need help from your therapist to figure out how to protect yourself.
What if you also wrote a letter to yourself about the good things about you?
Here is something you wrote back in 2000 (Posted by KellyR., on April 15, 2000, at 21:53:49) that made a big impression on me:
"...I work as a nurses aide helping people that are dying,& i find that giving them happiness in there final days is the best prozac for me."
When I read this then and read it again now, I think about what a gift you have. Not many people would feel this giving toward people in the later stages of life.
You also wrote:
"Find something to do......something that you can be proud of doing, that you made someone feel happy for the moment in time."
There is something in you, Kelly, something wonderful and loving. Something that is YOU, that you were able to hold onto deep inside of you, despite all the bad things that happened to you growing up.
Posted by kellyr on March 21, 2004, at 14:27:15
In reply to Mom, posted by Jai Narayan on March 20, 2004, at 19:09:18
Even w/ sharing I feel alone sometimes, But I don't know how my new therpist well reacted to all I have to say about what she done to me, he just knows that I was abused by her. Maybe that's why he wants me to write it cause I have such a hard time talking. But if I don't say anything to him I'm going to loose it even more.
(My mom, she like death that attackes from all sides; and when I was suffering, though in my confusion I said "I can't trust anyone".How did I do it?
I disconnected my mind from what was real, so the time I got to my teen yrs I started to so do drugs & drink alote, I know it was the wronge thing to do, but it was alote of stuff to deal w/. Her abusing me, my neighber sexaully abuseing me, & my fathers suicide. By the time I was 17yrs old I shut down & was in the hospital for 9mos. so drugs didn't help.
As a adult my husband has been there throw all the cring, the nightmares that usaually wined up hitting my husband in my sleep or other things that in the way. so if it wasn't for him I wouldn't be alive.
Posted by Jai Narayan on March 21, 2004, at 20:20:41
In reply to Re: Mom » Jai Narayan, posted by kellyr on March 21, 2004, at 14:27:15
"I can't trust anyone".
Her abusing me, my neighber sexaully abuseing me, & my fathers suicide. By the time I was 17yrs old I shut down & was in the hospital for 9mos. so drugs didn't help.*How old were you when your dad committed sucide? Were you close to him?
I guess I would have shut down too. On top of all this the neighbor sexual abuse. This is a lot of pain to endure.
> As a adult my husband has been there throw all the cring, the nightmares that usaually wined up hitting my husband in my sleep or other things that in the way. so if it wasn't for him I wouldn't be alive.
>
*I am so glad that you have someone you trust that is there for you. I had to have that for me to really heal. There's nothing like a good person to hold you when you hurt and feel so completely alone.
Posted by kellyr on March 22, 2004, at 19:08:10
In reply to Re: writing a letter » kellyr, posted by noa on March 21, 2004, at 13:46:23
Noa,
I well let my therapit know how it's affecting me writting thoses letters. I don't know if i can see him this week cause my car broke down(my luck) we were going to trade it in this week too. Had to ask my mom of a ride to get my meds(samples) from the nures, the ride went ok.
i want to thank you for reminding me about what i wrote in 2000, A little bit of babble/shock therapy to get me moving in life.
the nurse also gave me KLONOPIN for my panic attacks. mybe it well help me get back to work.
Posted by noa on March 23, 2004, at 17:50:58
In reply to Re: writing a letter » noa, posted by kellyr on March 22, 2004, at 19:08:10
Good luck, Kelly. Be good to yourself.
I couldn't post for a few days, don't know why. Something wrong with my computer that is slowing internet service down. Posting somewhere else now.
Posted by kellyr on March 23, 2004, at 19:58:56
In reply to Re: Mom, posted by Jai Narayan on March 21, 2004, at 20:20:41
> *How old were you when your dad committed sucide? Were you close to him?
My dad committed sucide by cop when I was 12 yrs old:-( We were close I was "daddys little girl" to him, I was the last to talk to him before he died on Fathers Day:-( he asked me to come live w/ him:-( I was scared to say yes, cause my mom would of beat me to nothing]:-< I would of loved to have lived w/ him, he was so nice & all my friends liked him0:-)The day after his death, When I got home from school my mom told me to come inside, she told me that my father died last night, I didn't cry just stood there, she yelled at me "why don't you cry, didn't you love him?" she then told me to got to my room. I hated her for that:-(
I didn't cry or believe that he was dead, intil the new yrs eve ball was droping, my heart was like melted wax:-( And then I started to think about beening w/ him, killing myself to be w/ him again, cause the more I grew the more that it showed:-(
Kellyr.
Posted by Jai Narayan on March 23, 2004, at 20:37:41
In reply to Re: Mom » Jai Narayan, posted by kellyr on March 23, 2004, at 19:58:56
> My dad committed sucide by cop when I was 12 yrs old
*do you mean a policeman killed him? If so why?
> We were close I was "daddys little girl" to him, I was the last to talk to him before he died on Fathers Day:-( he asked me to come live w/ him:-( I was scared to say yes, cause my mom would of beat me to nothing]:-< I would of loved to have lived w/ him, he was so nice & all my friends liked him0:-)* I can see that you regret not moving in with your dad. It sound's like your dad was pretty special to you.
I loved my dad and struggled with my mom.
My mom was abusive too.
I was a daddy's girl as well.
Oh, Kelly your life story is so painful.>
> The day after his death, When I got home from school my mom told me to come inside, she told me that my father died last night, I didn't cry just stood there, she yelled at me "why don't you cry, didn't you love him?" she then told me to got to my room. I hated her for that:-(*you must have been so stunned....to lose the only parent that was kind to you.
> I didn't cry or believe that he was dead, intil the new yrs eve ball was droping, my heart was like melted wax:-( And then I started to think about beening w/ him, killing myself to be w/ him again, cause the more I grew the more that it showed:-(*Well I hope that you can do some good work with your therapist. I can't stress enough how much EMDR helped me with the traumas in my life.
take care Kellyr.
> Kellyr.
Posted by kellyr on March 24, 2004, at 6:27:42
In reply to your dad, posted by Jai Narayan on March 23, 2004, at 20:37:41
> *do you mean a policeman killed him? If so why?:-(It was 5 policemen that gunned him down. why cause he wanted them too, he gave us a drawning of how and where he was going to die and things that happen in his life, his druge problem, his sister that shoot herself, the drawing we got it later that week from his friend had all that in it.
> I loved my dad and struggled with my mom.
> My mom was abusive too.
> I was a daddy's girl as well.
> Oh, Kelly your life story is so painful.
;-( I'm sorry about that you were abused, i don't think my life is any painful than the next person. or maybe i should write a book about it.Kellyr.
Posted by Jai Narayan on March 24, 2004, at 19:52:13
In reply to Re: your dad » Jai Narayan, posted by kellyr on March 24, 2004, at 6:27:42
The thing with psycho babble is everybody here has a story to tell. We've all been through so much and survived.
Survived....
that is such a big deal.
I encourage you to write....start with a short story and expand it. There is a writing psycho babble. I love posting there.
Jai Narayan
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