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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by kara lynne on January 5, 2004, at 1:29:10
to tell me he's doing Bikram yoga every other day. He said he knows I was trying to get him to do yoga for years but not THIS kind. (He also made sure to mention that I didn't do it myself--I was trying to get us to go together). He told me where he does it (so that I could AVOID seeing him there, but still go somewhere for myself--because of his altruistic motives--ISN'T that SPECIAL?). Said he thought it would help my back and neck. Started out saying 'Sorry for the intrusion', and ended saying 'Love you forever'.
I changed the subject line to 'Do not ever write me again.' and sent it back to him.
WHY IS HE DOING THIS? CAN HE REALLY THINK THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO HEAR AFTER ALL THIS TIME?
He said Bickram is 'brutal for beginners', but gets all the toxins out and yadda yadda yadda. Last I knew him he was a fifty pound overweight diabetic who could barely get on a treadmill. I said so many times that my wish for us was to move in together and help each other become healthier. He was never interested except to invalidate whatever idea I might have come up with. Magically since we've split, he's had a gigantic breakthrough, is now doing extreme yoga every other day and ready to enlighten the pathetic people littering his path. Why he's probably reversed his Type1diabetes and become a veritable Don Juan as well. Why is it so important to him that I know that he is doing now what he would not do with me? That every thing that was killing our relationship he is finally changing--but not asking me to be with him? That is intentional hurt, is it not?
Not a word about us, me, a broken heart, a destroyed relationship.
Meanwhile I'm one up if I can walk around the block these days, he knows this and he's playing on it. I called my therapist/ counselor/ whatever because I was shaking upset, and woke up her husband at 10:30 at night. She was ok about it but of course I felt like a jerk. She said he just needs to continually find ways to make himself look superior and make me wrong, because somewhere he knows he isn't doing anything right.
Ironically I just came from seeing 'Something's Gotta Give", which I loved. I was almost on the floor watching Diane going through her break-up scene, because that's exactly how I've been feeling for the past six months. Then Jack would keep coming to her with these ridiculously disconnected phrases like, 'You are a woman to be loved', and later on, 'Take care'. These could have come out of my ex's mouth. He will say anything but the only thing that matters. It's maddening beyond belief. This (telling me he's doing yoga now) is what he calls my parents and says is him trying?
I don't know if I responded how I should have. I don't know what I should have done. Now I really am saying he can't write me. I guess he's not going to be following me city to city anytime soon to tell me he loves me and wants me back. And if this is the only kind of email I'm going to get then I don't want it. So now he'll say, "I won't let him write me", it will all be my fault.
Is this intentional? If I can consider that he is actually in front of me with a pointed gun, knowing full well how it would make me feel, it's easier to know what to do. When it's disguised in this condescending, nauseating 'let me help you make your life better' stuff, it just gets me agitated and confused. He titled the original post "What might help", and I was thinking I'd find some suggestion about our relationship inside.
Silly me.
Posted by fallsfall on January 5, 2004, at 7:22:06
In reply to Arrrghh! Ex Emailed me...., posted by kara lynne on January 5, 2004, at 1:29:10
You did great, Kara!
You sent the email back and told him to ******** off.
Keep that anger going. He wants you to be unhappy. Why would someone who loves you want you to be unhappy? (Hint: He doesn't love you - he only loves HIM)
Good riddence to the **************** (I'm not too good with the "**" words, never know how many letters to give them...)
Posted by zenhussy on January 5, 2004, at 10:10:21
In reply to Arrrghh! Ex Emailed me...., posted by kara lynne on January 5, 2004, at 1:29:10
KL,
My ex last year spent a few months sending e-mails similar to the ones you are now receiving. I returned them unopened. Since the e-mail program I am using does not have a block feature for individual addresses I instead created a filter to file all my ex's incoming mail into a folder that I dumped each week. Talk about a fitting image--me dumping that person's crap into the trash each week. In a way that was part of the healing. To finally see this person as they truly were and let go of the dream I had of what could be. It wasn't and isn't and I'm so much better off because of it!! I lived with mine for six long years. Five years longer than I needed to but that begins another story....
Problem of ignoring solved. Problem of healing broken heart? Took longer. Hang tough.
zh
Posted by zenhussy on January 5, 2004, at 10:59:59
In reply to Re: filter your e-mail and avoid his missives » kara lynne, posted by zenhussy on January 5, 2004, at 10:10:21
KL,
My ex didn't get the message by my returning their e-mails so that is why I went to the filtering process.
I tried to play nice at first but a couple of events happened in my situation that made any possibility of reconciliation moot. I'm still heebie jeebied about this person living in the same town I do. Let's just say I am glad I have taken a full force self defense class, have a bat by my bed, and a huge shepherd mix dog. We've spoken out of necessity but it was strained civility at best.
Stay strong and let the twit sweat out his idiocy in bikram. You haven't lost anything. You've gained the perspective of what you do not want out of a PARTNER. I know it is still early to look at it like that but there will come a time when you'll see that you got a lot of good things out of this relationship you just survived. Mainly what to avoid next!
Seriously and kindly,
zh
Posted by kara lynne on January 5, 2004, at 14:23:58
In reply to Re:correction, posted by zenhussy on January 5, 2004, at 10:59:59
-let the twit sweat out his idiocy in bikram-
Oh, I wanna say it to him! Bad!
He's far too wimpy to warrant a bat by the bed (geez, sorry to hear about that zh--although I think a self-defense class is a great idea), it's more like he does these little 'nanny nanny' drive-bys just to display his arrogance and my inferiority. Course now that he's armed with epiphanys and bikram yoga he might be a more formidable enemy. I played nice too, up until a couple of weeks ago, really. I kept expecting him to say something as heartfelt about me as he did about his new house or his stray cat. It's almost what he doesn't do that hurts more than anything, just like it did when we were together. That's why I need to get that he really is intending to hurt me, even it is by suggesting I do yoga.
I've avoided blocking him until now, maybe because of that infernal shred of hope. I also haven't told not to ever email me again, which I did do last night, so we'll see what happens. I did say not to contact me, but he couldn't keep from imposing his narcissism so I had to use the 'ever' word which was hard for me. I guess this has been a lesson for me in drawing boundaries, as much as not allowing him to trample over them.
I wish I could have seen my way clear in the first year too, rather than the fourth--especially at this point in my life. But the relationship mirrored those irascible core issues. I don't know, sometimes I think that's gonna be the hardest thing to forgive myself for--staying so long.
Thanks zh, I really appreciate it.
Posted by leo33 on January 6, 2004, at 0:04:11
In reply to Re:correction/ zenhussy, posted by kara lynne on January 5, 2004, at 14:23:58
Interesting thread but as a man I would like to interject some points. From my experience men often suffer longer periods of time after a breakup than the women. ( don't jump on my back, hear me out) Often when men breakup with women they intitially feel a sense of freedom for the first two weeks and then start to realizing that they made a mistake, especially when the sex has stopped and that its very difficult for men to get another woman, unless famous, rich, or a musician. Conversely, women often suffer the most during the first two weeks and then start letting go when they start getting other offers for dates and much needed support from other women. A woman can replace a man at the drop of a hat since there is always another ready to jump in, you dont even have to look, they come to you. As for the mens repeated efforts to contact you, almost every man I have ever known after a breakup would be considered a stalker under the current laws. You can just claim that and have the man thrown in jail or get restraining orders, the law is on your side not his. But maybe the man is not as evil as you think and wants to continue a relationship with a person they once cared about whether it be an intimate one or not. Often he would still want to have sex ultimately as he is a man and men are very sexually driven. Women tend to grow a deep hatred for their former mates and seem to deal with things better by having the option of moving on easier. Well, thats just my two cents and hope all works out well for you and take care.
Posted by zenhussy on January 6, 2004, at 0:59:47
In reply to Re:correction/ zenhussy, posted by leo33 on January 6, 2004, at 0:04:11
leo33,
Your demographic precedes you, I scarcely knew it was all so simple. As for the law, on my side, perhaps spatially. When they came to quell the disturbance, I sadly did not qualify for their marker of the protectors they claim to be.
zh
Posted by kara lynne on January 6, 2004, at 1:06:34
In reply to Re:correction/ zenhussy, posted by leo33 on January 6, 2004, at 0:04:11
Hi male,
You are welcome to interject your opinion, but I think this scenario is a bit different: Due to diabetes, a couple of head injuries and a psycho mother, my ex had almost no interest in sex. He also is a little 'famous' (among a particular circuit) and will have no problem finding some unknowing, very young girl to adore him. My ex exhibited evil behavior for which he has never apologized. If I wanted a relationship with someone I valued, that would be the first thing on my list, not parading my feathers around to taunt them--which seems to be his primary interest. He hurt me terribly, and he will not so much as acknowledge it. It is far more important that he deny it entirely, continue to make me wrong and see himself as a fallen, misunderstood hero. It is almost imperative for the survival of his ego to believe that. If he ever wanted a relationship with *me*, he would have had to become accountable. He would have had to have at least a desire for self -awareness, and an understanding about the laws of cause and effect that he instead does everything to avoid. If he had even given me a glimmer of such an intention I would have come back so fast it would make your head spin. But he doesn't want a relationship with me--like fallsfall says, he does everything for himself.If he had ever been a good friend, or exhibited the qualities of a true partner maybe I could maintain a friendship. I kept the door open for months after we broke up, waiting for him to say something meaningful instead of giving me this passive, defeatist, self-serving drivel that always ended up being one more excuse for why he 'couldn't (fill in the blank....show up, keep a commitment, make a commitment). He paraded this all as his undying love for me, but curiously it was a love he could do nothing to save. Meanwhile, he has moved into a posh house, had an awesome 'spiritual' awakening and transformed himself physically--the latter being something I tried to help him with for years. (At the expense of my own sexuality I might add, which I can only hope will not be permanantly damaged from this experience). But despite all this grand posturing he has done nothing, not one thing, for us; to stand behind what it would really mean to love me like he says he does. In the immortal words of Gabbix's friend, 'love is a verb'. He would rather sigh and indulge himself in fatalism then do the smallest thing in his his power to make it work.
Two last things...I still think about the boyfriends I had 20 years ago. I still wouldn't say I was completely over one of them. So the idea that women get over relationships more quickly than men is certainly not true in my case. I have had more pain in this last relationship to last me a lifetime, if I never see him again.
And finally, if I could replace a man at the drop of a hat I would have done so long ago. Maybe it's not always as easy as you think it is for us.
Well leo, are you sorry you posted yet? I hope not. You seem like decent man, trying to say what's true for himself. Thanks for that.
Posted by tabitha on January 6, 2004, at 1:50:25
In reply to Re:correction/ zenhussy, posted by leo33 on January 6, 2004, at 0:04:11
As for who hurts worse when, I'd suggest it depends more on who made the decision to break up rather than their respective genders. The one who breaks it off is more likely to feel initial relief followed by delayed grief reaction to the loss. The other party feels dumped and reacts to a sudden traumatic shock, so much of their worst pain happens immediately after the break.
That's been true for me at least, and I'll dare to extrapolate from that.
Posted by Elle2021 on January 6, 2004, at 6:22:48
In reply to Arrrghh! Ex Emailed me...., posted by kara lynne on January 5, 2004, at 1:29:10
> I changed the subject line to 'Do not ever write me again.' and sent it back to him.
Good for you, he's unhealthy.
> WHY IS HE DOING THIS?
He wants *you* to know how well he is doing without you. It's typical break-up behaviour. (i.e. just because we aren't together, doesn't mean my life is falling apart--hint: they are hardly ever as happy as they try to pretend to be).
>Last I knew him he was a fifty pound overweight diabetic who could barely get on a treadmill.
And it's likely that he still is. Could he really change that fast?
>and ready to enlighten the pathetic people littering his path.
How generous of him...*sarcastic tone coming from me*
>Why is it so important to him that I know that he is doing now what he would not do with me?
Because he thinks you are doing well without him and wants you to think he is doing well without you...
> I don't know if I responded how I should have.
I think you did fine.
>So now he'll say, "I won't let him write me", it will all be my fault.
You know it isn't all your fault and so does he.
> Is this intentional?
Probably
>When it's disguised in this condescending, nauseating...
It means he's a narcissist.
>"What might help", and I was thinking I'd find some suggestion about our relationship inside.
I think he meant, "What might make it easier for me to manipulate you, please follow the directions..."
Elle
Posted by leo33 on January 6, 2004, at 18:51:57
In reply to leo, posted by kara lynne on January 6, 2004, at 1:06:34
Sorry to offend anyone, I was just trying to interject a different perspective, I was unknowing of all the facts. I feel like a man who stands up at an Oprah Winfrey on a topic about women LOL. But there is the truth of "Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus". I hope things work out for you, if I can help, let me know. Maybe you can help me.
Posted by kara lynne on January 6, 2004, at 19:22:33
In reply to Re: leo, posted by leo33 on January 6, 2004, at 18:51:57
-I feel like a man who stands up at an Oprah Winfrey on a topic about women-(!)
I appreciate your courage, and maybe we really will end up helping each other.
Posted by kara lynne on January 7, 2004, at 19:31:15
In reply to Re: Arrrghh! Ex Emailed me.... » kara lynne, posted by Elle2021 on January 6, 2004, at 6:22:48
I keep wanting to write him back and tell him walking across hot coals can do wonders too, but he's probably done it by now.
Thanks for the support.
Posted by Elle2021 on January 8, 2004, at 6:14:26
In reply to Thanks Elle...., posted by kara lynne on January 7, 2004, at 19:31:15
This is the end of the thread.
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