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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Ilene on December 17, 2003, at 21:17:49
I've been suicidal all day. Not unusual, but I'm losing my patience with life, esp. since I'll be 50 next year and I've been depressed for most of it. My pdoc/therapist always wants to know what makes me feel better or worse, and I hardly ever have an answer for her. Just wake up that way.
I'm socially isolated, but I'm too depressd & sick (w/chronic fatigue syndrome) to work or make any kind of social commitment.
I spent most of October in bed. If it weren't for my kids I would've killed myself. I've been sick off and on since then; not as bad, but I'm terrified of a relapse. Terrified.
At least the pdoc says she will start me on an MAOI by mid-Jan if things don't improve. I don't think she's ever had a patient on one; she's too scared of them.
Ilene
Posted by KellyD on December 17, 2003, at 22:03:26
In reply to A Bad Day, posted by Ilene on December 17, 2003, at 21:17:49
MAOI's are a Godsend for some. You won't know unless you give it a try. From what you posted, you certainly can't keep on this tract.
I have no words of wisdom, I wish I did. I only send you hopes that things will improve for you and I'm sorry you are feeling as you do now.
As a person impacted by the suicide of the person most closest to me and that I loved dearly.... I understand you are in terrible mental pain, but you can't imagine how the aftermath of suicide will effect your children. Take it from a child who knows. In telling you that, it is not my intention to add to your pain and I hope you don't take it as such.
My thoughts are with you,
Kelly
Posted by Jai Narayan on December 17, 2003, at 23:23:21
In reply to A Bad Day, posted by Ilene on December 17, 2003, at 21:17:49
Dear Irene, you sound like you are in a lot of pain. More than a bad day. Are you in physical pain as well? There are people on the alternative site that know how to deal with chronic fatigue.
Please, look at life for yourself too. Stay alive for you too. Life is a precious gift, I know when we are in pain it doesn't look like a gift, but it really is. We have only a short amount of time on this planet. There are people here who can help you find ways to alleviate your pain. It's worth a try.
Posted by kara lynne on December 18, 2003, at 2:37:16
In reply to A Bad Day, posted by Ilene on December 17, 2003, at 21:17:49
Ilene,
I can relate to being depressed for most of my life. I am happy for you that your doctor will let you start on an MAO in January. That's not at all far away. If I could adjust to one of those meds I would surely do it. lately I'm hearing less and less to be fearful about with MAOI's, and more and more to be grateful for. You may even find yourself with some energy.Hang in there Ilene, for your kids, for yourself, for people like me who need to know that people like us really can and will make it out alive. Together it's at least a tiny bit easier.
Posted by Susan J on December 18, 2003, at 12:32:45
In reply to A Bad Day, posted by Ilene on December 17, 2003, at 21:17:49
Hello,
> I've been suicidal all day. Not unusual, but I'm losing my patience with life, esp. since I'll be 50 next year and I've been depressed for most of it. My pdoc/therapist always wants to know what makes me feel better or worse, and I hardly ever have an answer for her. Just wake up that way.
<<I'm so sorry it hurts so badly right now. I think trying out a new med is a great idea! And if you have concerns about your particular doc prescribing it, is there any way for you to get a 2nd opinion?>
> I spent most of October in bed. If it weren't for my kids I would've killed myself. I've been sick off and on since then; not as bad, but I'm terrified of a relapse. Terrified.
<<God I know how that feels. It just makes me thing a med change could be very helpful, too. And a piece of advice my boss gave me that I keep trying to follow, live in the moment, don't fear the future or dwell on the past. Only in the moment. Like, try to enjoy that nap you're taking, or take comfort from watching a favorite TV show or listening to a CD. They are little things, but concentrate on the pleasure you get (even if very small) from those activities.Hang in there. I'm thinking of you.
Susan
Posted by Ilene on December 19, 2003, at 16:13:49
In reply to A Bad Day, posted by Ilene on December 17, 2003, at 21:17:49
Thank you all for responding. Sometimes I post and no one replies. Not that there's a requirement or anything.
Today is pretty lousy, too. Yesterday afternoon and evening was better. I managed to get out of the house and run a bunch of errands in good time today, but I just faded out. I don't feel any better for checking those things off my "to do" list. I need to start dinner pretty soon, and I'm tired. I never have enough energy.
I don't *want* to kill myself. I would hate to hurt my kids any more than I have already, but I don't want to go on like this. I've spent years waiting for something to change. My health is getting worse. I try to think positive thoughts, but I can't force myself to feel positive feelings. Sometimes I have some good days when I feel that things might turn around, but nothing has changed for the better for me.
My husband is coming for a visit. (He's got a job out of state--we'll all be moving in a few months.) I'm half happy and half terrified. Happy for the obvious reasons, terrified because I feel horribly guilty for being so useless, not able to keep my end of the relationship going.
I've tried maybe a dozen drugs. The only two that worked eventually pooped out. Nothing has worked for a few years. My current pdoc likes to do things very gradually--it's just excruciating. I'm frightened that I'm now truly refractory to treatment. I tell myself it's pointless to worry, but I can't always stop myself.
Got to stop now.
Ilene
Posted by KellyD on December 19, 2003, at 16:29:08
In reply to Re: A Bad Day, posted by Ilene on December 19, 2003, at 16:13:49
I'm glad you posted a followup. I feel so for you and wish I could say something to make you feel better. I do understand the frustration in trying to find a good treatment that WORKS and helps for longer than a limited period of time.
Please don't give up your search for a good treatment. I don't want to present a "pollyanna" point of view, but I have to believe that for a majority of folks - there is an answer.
Hang on. Keep posting, if you find that helpful. There is plenty of support here that has been a help to me and I hope you can find that support helps you, too.
Kelly
Posted by Jai Narayan on December 20, 2003, at 10:59:17
In reply to A Bad Day, posted by Ilene on December 17, 2003, at 21:17:49
> Thank you all for responding. Sometimes I post and no one replies. Not that there's a requirement or anything.
< I do know what that is like, since I too have had that *no posting* response.
> I don't *want* to kill myself.
<Good, I like to see that.
> My husband is coming for a visit. (He's got a job out of state--we'll all be moving in a few months.) I'm half happy and half terrified. Happy for the obvious reasons, terrified because I feel horribly guilty for being so useless, not able to keep my end of the relationship going.
<I try not to have guilt...I know it sounds easy to say. I find guilt sucks my energy down.
> I've tried maybe a dozen drugs. The only two that worked eventually pooped out.
< the alternative or meds site where everyone talks about their med problems. You might find it interesting if you haven't already checked it out.
I wish I could be more helpful. I am listening and will respond if I can.
Posted by Emme on December 20, 2003, at 15:02:42
In reply to A Bad Day, posted by Ilene on December 17, 2003, at 21:17:49
> I've been suicidal all day. Not unusual, but I'm losing my patience with life, esp. since I'll be 50 next year and I've been depressed for most of it. My pdoc/therapist always wants to know what makes me feel better or worse, and I hardly ever have an answer for her. Just wake up that way.
>
> I'm socially isolated, but I'm too depressd & sick (w/chronic fatigue syndrome) to work or make any kind of social commitment.
>
> I spent most of October in bed. If it weren't for my kids I would've killed myself. I've been sick off and on since then; not as bad, but I'm terrified of a relapse. Terrified.
>
> At least the pdoc says she will start me on an MAOI by mid-Jan if things don't improve. I don't think she's ever had a patient on one; she's too scared of them.
>
> IleneHi Ilene,
I'm sorry you feel so awful. I'm glad to see you posted a second message. You've made it two more days. Please, keep trying, one day at a time. I know what you mean about not *wanting* to kill yourself. You just can't stand living like this. It's so hard when you wake up feeling awful before you even do anything. I agree with the others that it sounds like a med change is in order. I hope you have some better days soon.
(((Ilene)))
Emme
Posted by Ilene on January 13, 2004, at 17:14:58
In reply to Re: A Bad Day, posted by Ilene on December 19, 2003, at 16:13:49
Here I am, posting a reply to my own post. I am feeling bad today and wanted to see what I had written last month on the same subject.
I'm not feeling quite as bad right now. That's something, I suppose, but feeling merely "bad" can turn into "very bad" too quickly. Even feeling "not bad at all" can turn into "bad" for a seemingly unimportant reason, or no reason at all. I find my emotional state just snowballs downhill.
I'm up and around, sort of, today. I got back from San Francisco yesterday and expected to be knocked down by my chronic fatigue syndrome. It hasn't happened yet. (Have to add that "yet" just in case.)
I had a pretty good trip. Stressful in some ways but positive overall. Got along very well with my husband despite having a miserable, depressing phone call the night before I left. About money. My father, who died in Spring, left me some, and I won't share because my husband likes to spend it. (He's living in SF because he got a job there, and my kids are still in school over here [East Coast].) Started to get depressed on the last day. I'm not sure why, other than my habitual brooding over my wasted life.
My house is a f@@@@@g sty. My daughter trashed the kitchen while I was gone. The dishwasher's broken (couldn't get anyone out to fix it before I left), so she didn't do a single dish, and she made cookies without bothering to clean up. She couldn't even throw away the plastic bags from the newspapers. Gah! I hate feeling like the family maid.
The reason for the trip was getting my son into an "independent" (aka private) high school. It's disorienting for me, because I'm an advocate of public education and don't really want my son going to school with a bunch of rich white kids. Right now he's tracked into gifted/talented classes, so most of his classmates are white, but very few people around here are really rich. One of the schools we're applying to is where Danielle Steel sends her kids.
My son is about to be evauated for ADD. If I had had my act together I would have had this done *years* ago, but I was, well, depressed. Plus I have cfs and since we've lived here we lost the lease on our house, I was assaulted, my mother died, my best friend in this area died, and I was struggling with grad school. (Getting a masters degree was so futile. I don't foresee being able to work.) I still feel guilty because I haven't helped him. I don't even have the energy to go over his homework.
Thinking about schools gets me stressed and anxious. I think the stress of applying to these schools got me sick last month. I haven't eaten much today, either, which is another sign of anxiety. Maybe I should get up and take some Klonopin.
I *was* starting to feel better. I think that is due to starting Risperdal, but it could have been some random fluctuation. Sunspots. Anything. I wish I knew.
I see the pdoc tomorrow. Should I lobby for more Risperdal or lobby for tapering off Desipramine and switching to an MAOI? Decisions, decisions. Blah blah blah blah.
Ilene
Posted by LynneDa on January 14, 2004, at 11:56:34
In reply to Re: A Bad Day, posted by Ilene on January 13, 2004, at 17:14:58
Wow, do you ever have a lot going on! I hope you're feeling better today. Things can get so overwhelming. Just take it one step at a time!
Please don't do the Mom guilt thing though!! If he's gifted, he's got a lot more on the ball than most kids and you must have done something right. A lot of gifted kids are ADD. My niece is both and they've tried a variety of meds with varying success!
Private school? I understand those fears. Hopefully your son is grounded enough that it won't adversely affect him . . . and maybe he'll have a good network to get a great job in the future. I'll tell you, it's all who you know these days. I want job security for my kids in the future. An A+ education that will make use of his great talents sounds like the way to go!
Turning around the family maid thing takes a lot of energy - it's almost easier to do it myself. Little by little as I've started feeling better on meds, I've been holding the line on chores and responsibilities and not giving in to the moans, groans and lazies (of my kids, I mean!). It feels great, too!!
Hang in there! I believe you are doing the best you can with what you're given and you should too!
~ Lynne
Posted by Bubbaleh on January 15, 2004, at 0:06:25
In reply to Re: A Bad Day, posted by LynneDa on January 14, 2004, at 11:56:34
Ilene, my heart went out to you when I read your post. You sound kinda like my Mom, and believe me, all of her kids turned out to be solid citizens.
My only advice would be that you pray. When you look deep into your heart while thinking of G-d, you will come to know what to do. And, G-d will often help you to keep it all together. As they say in AA and OA, "Let go and let G-d."
Be well,
Bubbaleh
Posted by Ilene on January 23, 2004, at 20:53:34
In reply to Re: A Bad Day, posted by Bubbaleh on January 15, 2004, at 0:06:25
> Ilene, my heart went out to you when I read your post. You sound kinda like my Mom, and believe me, all of her kids turned out to be solid citizens.
>
> My only advice would be that you pray. When you look deep into your heart while thinking of G-d, you will come to know what to do. And, G-d will often help you to keep it all together. As they say in AA and OA, "Let go and let G-d."
>
> Be well,
> Bubbaleh
Thank you for your thoughts.I don't believe in G-d. I'm an agnostic. I think people with faith are lucky because they feel sustained, but I'm just not there. Sometimes I feel that things are part of a larger plan, but the plan is ironic.
What do you think is the difference between believers and non-believers?
I.
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