Posted by Ilene on January 13, 2004, at 17:14:58
In reply to Re: A Bad Day, posted by Ilene on December 19, 2003, at 16:13:49
Here I am, posting a reply to my own post. I am feeling bad today and wanted to see what I had written last month on the same subject.
I'm not feeling quite as bad right now. That's something, I suppose, but feeling merely "bad" can turn into "very bad" too quickly. Even feeling "not bad at all" can turn into "bad" for a seemingly unimportant reason, or no reason at all. I find my emotional state just snowballs downhill.
I'm up and around, sort of, today. I got back from San Francisco yesterday and expected to be knocked down by my chronic fatigue syndrome. It hasn't happened yet. (Have to add that "yet" just in case.)
I had a pretty good trip. Stressful in some ways but positive overall. Got along very well with my husband despite having a miserable, depressing phone call the night before I left. About money. My father, who died in Spring, left me some, and I won't share because my husband likes to spend it. (He's living in SF because he got a job there, and my kids are still in school over here [East Coast].) Started to get depressed on the last day. I'm not sure why, other than my habitual brooding over my wasted life.
My house is a f@@@@@g sty. My daughter trashed the kitchen while I was gone. The dishwasher's broken (couldn't get anyone out to fix it before I left), so she didn't do a single dish, and she made cookies without bothering to clean up. She couldn't even throw away the plastic bags from the newspapers. Gah! I hate feeling like the family maid.
The reason for the trip was getting my son into an "independent" (aka private) high school. It's disorienting for me, because I'm an advocate of public education and don't really want my son going to school with a bunch of rich white kids. Right now he's tracked into gifted/talented classes, so most of his classmates are white, but very few people around here are really rich. One of the schools we're applying to is where Danielle Steel sends her kids.
My son is about to be evauated for ADD. If I had had my act together I would have had this done *years* ago, but I was, well, depressed. Plus I have cfs and since we've lived here we lost the lease on our house, I was assaulted, my mother died, my best friend in this area died, and I was struggling with grad school. (Getting a masters degree was so futile. I don't foresee being able to work.) I still feel guilty because I haven't helped him. I don't even have the energy to go over his homework.
Thinking about schools gets me stressed and anxious. I think the stress of applying to these schools got me sick last month. I haven't eaten much today, either, which is another sign of anxiety. Maybe I should get up and take some Klonopin.
I *was* starting to feel better. I think that is due to starting Risperdal, but it could have been some random fluctuation. Sunspots. Anything. I wish I knew.
I see the pdoc tomorrow. Should I lobby for more Risperdal or lobby for tapering off Desipramine and switching to an MAOI? Decisions, decisions. Blah blah blah blah.
Ilene
poster:Ilene
thread:291128
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040109/msgs/300331.html