Psycho-Babble Social Thread 289482

Shown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Re: Feel like I'm cracking up. » kara lynne

Posted by Dinah on December 13, 2003, at 20:14:01

In reply to Feel like I'm cracking up., posted by kara lynne on December 13, 2003, at 18:21:19

Originally posted by Kara Lynne 12/13/03

> I sent my mother an email. I didn't express myself well. I should have waited a while and come back to edit it, but I felt that if I didn't send it then I would never do it. I told her no more comments about my brother, but I shouldn't have said, 'for once in my life' I hoped she would support me--I meant around that issue. It will make her crazy. I told her I loved her and my brother but that he has a problem treating me with respect, that he also has a problem treating her with respect even if she doesn't see it. I said if I don't take care of myself around these things this depression will kill me, and hopefully that will be considered as well as his feelings.
>
> I'm trying a new med and I'll have to stop. I'm in a terrible condition.
>
> My ex went through some profound experience after I sent him the kiss off note. He's not trying very hard to win me back, but he sure sounds convincing that he's new and fascinating. He's fascinated with himself as usual, but this time there is something to it. I know there is no magic, but why couldn't he have done this when we were together? Is this some test from above?
>
> If so I am failing miserably.

 

Above originally posted by Kara Lynne (nm)

Posted by Dinah on December 13, 2003, at 20:15:31

In reply to Re: Feel like I'm cracking up. » kara lynne, posted by Dinah on December 13, 2003, at 20:14:01

 

Re: Feel like I'm cracking up. - Kara Lynne

Posted by Dinah on December 13, 2003, at 20:20:58

In reply to Re: Feel like I'm cracking up. » kara lynne, posted by Dinah on December 13, 2003, at 20:14:01

I'm sorry you're feeling so rotten, Kara Lynne. I try always to remember during med trials that this shall pass, this isn't the way I normally feel. What medication are you trying? Is it possible this is just a start up effect?

Congratulations for starting to set boundaries with your family. It isn't easy and it doesn't have an immediate wonderful payoff, but over time it'll really help.

Hang in there for the meds to settle down. And I will send good wishes in your direction. Take care.

Dinah

 

Re: Feel like I'm cracking up. - Kara Lynne

Posted by deirdrehbrt on December 13, 2003, at 21:06:12

In reply to Re: Feel like I'm cracking up. - Kara Lynne, posted by Dinah on December 13, 2003, at 20:20:58

Kara,
I don't know how long ago the split occurred between you and your ex. I might have read it, but so much of what I read just goes right through my brain and evaporates in the ether.
I can tell you this. My ex and I divorced about two years ago. We went through a mediator, and I was exceptionally generous, mostly for the children, and partly because I felt responsible.
Still, there were issues. My ex was the one that wanted the divorce; mostly because of my mental illness.
We have striven to be civil for our daughters, and now, two years later, we are learning how to be somewhat better friends. I know that the gap is far too wide to ever cross, and be a couple again, but I would much rather have a friend than an enemy.
I'm thinking of you Kara, and know how much it can hurt. I pray for you and your ex. With a med change in the middle, you deserve extra prayers.
Take care,
Dee.

 

My ex's last comment...

Posted by kara lynne on December 13, 2003, at 23:39:42

In reply to Re: Feel like I'm cracking up. - Kara Lynne, posted by deirdrehbrt on December 13, 2003, at 21:06:12

was that he loved *me* in spite of my 'contempt and dissatisfaction'. He's a saint. Then he went on to say '"... there was something distrustful about your conditions for giving me full support.". But before that he angrily apologized for not giving me what I wanted: saying he was sorry for not spending more time with me, etc.

He said he knows that resentment is unpleasant (mine) and that therefore he hopes I get what I want someday.

I want to go to whatever school he went to, where you transcend all human emotion in five days or less.

 

Re: My ex's last comment...

Posted by octopusprime on December 13, 2003, at 23:59:00

In reply to My ex's last comment..., posted by kara lynne on December 13, 2003, at 23:39:42

kara lynne

i know you are hurting and vulnerable.
but your ex is no saint.
you are a lovable person without qualification.
i personally feel that your ex's comments are backhanded compliments.
and you're not in a state to handle those well.

please take care of yourself
and surround yourself with the truly caring folks
be strong and well.

 

Re: My ex's last comment...

Posted by tabitha on December 14, 2003, at 0:21:10

In reply to My ex's last comment..., posted by kara lynne on December 13, 2003, at 23:39:42

That attitude would send me through the roof. As if there's something wrong with you for being angry, and he's above it all. Grrrr! Meanwhile he's saying things like that, which just trigger more anger in you. Grr!!! Grrr!!!

 

Re: My ex's last comment...

Posted by kara lynne on December 14, 2003, at 0:23:51

In reply to Re: My ex's last comment..., posted by octopusprime on December 13, 2003, at 23:59:00

what did you find to be a backhanded compliment? I found only the backhand. He does go on, too...saying inasmuch if only I had behaved better I would have gotten the 'prize'--(him).

Guess for whatever it's worth, I was never worth it to him.

 

Re: My ex's last comment...

Posted by octopusprime on December 14, 2003, at 0:51:50

In reply to Re: My ex's last comment..., posted by kara lynne on December 14, 2003, at 0:23:51

> what did you find to be a backhanded compliment? I found only the backhand. He does go on, too...saying inasmuch if only I had behaved better I would have gotten the 'prize'--(him).
>
> Guess for whatever it's worth, I was never worth it to him.

sorry kara lynne
i couldn't tell by reading your post whether or not the whole love thing was sounding tempting to you or not ...

so the saint bit was tongue in cheek
ok this changes context
i must still be hung over, don't mind me :p

anyway i hope you find the strength to hold your head up high and carry on - you are on the right path now

 

Re: My ex's last comment.../ tabitha

Posted by kara lynne on December 14, 2003, at 1:47:53

In reply to Re: My ex's last comment..., posted by tabitha on December 14, 2003, at 0:21:10

You got it. And he got me. I'm fixated on it, alright. I'm out of my tree. I want to write back but there's really nothing more I can say. I guess he's just ready to let go. But he lets go with me being the one full of 'contempt and dissatisfaction', while he loved me in spite of it. What do you do with that? What the **** do you do? Anything I say can and will be used against me. He has obviously transcended, or found another girlfriend. Does he reMEMber the things he said to me while he was 'loving' me? But no, my motives were suspect, it turns out, so he had every reason to be withholding.

Help GRRR, GRRR, GRRR

 

Re: My ex's last comment...octo

Posted by kara lynne on December 14, 2003, at 2:04:15

In reply to Re: My ex's last comment..., posted by octopusprime on December 14, 2003, at 0:51:50

It's ok, it's hard to follow all disjointed like this. I'm just trying to figure out what to do or not do next. Somehow I'm back where I was six months ago, all from a few emails. If he could have just done as I asked and not emailed me at all, but he had to make sure I bit one last time and I did. And now he's triggered the Abando-button. I have expressed true anger, and that in his mind, is the reason for the demise of this relationship. His abusive tirades, those were all just said in moments of anger and didn't mean anything. How did he get to be so good?

I loved your prayer.
Thank you.

 

Ambien not working.

Posted by kara lynne on December 14, 2003, at 3:21:53

In reply to Re: My ex's last comment...octo, posted by kara lynne on December 14, 2003, at 2:04:15

I go along and I do what I'm supposed to do. I don't call him. I feel a bit stronger. Then this new spate of emails. I asked him not to write, but he wrote a 'goodbye' which triggered me no end and I wrote back. Mistake. My angry response yielded a letter which blamed that as the poison in the relationship, with my ex the hapless recipient, just trying to love me the best he could in the face of such pathetic contempt (mine).

And now I'm back right where I started. He apologizes for not giving me what I wanted, but the apology is written to sting, and it does. The implication is that someone as bitter and demanding as myself will never get 'what I want'.

Is there justice? Anywhere? Do I get heard? I think not. I think he gets to move on believing his story, and I get to stay stuck not believing in myself, and therefore believing his story.

I'm (what is that word when you have a high fever..). Probably not a good idea to take action right now, at 1am. Something in me says I could though, and we could talk it through. But I'm too tired.

 

Re: Ambien not working. » kara lynne

Posted by deirdrehbrt on December 14, 2003, at 11:44:56

In reply to Ambien not working., posted by kara lynne on December 14, 2003, at 3:21:53

Kara,
I know how frightened and hurt you feel. I have felt that way before... not being enough of whatever it is that the other wants. I'm learning to believe that I don't have ANYTHING FOR someone else. I still try to though, and the lesson seems to be one of those that will take a long time to learn.
Fallsfall has told me that I really need to trust what my friends say about me, and to ignore what I believe to be all my faults. I guess that when we know something about ourselves isn't true, that we need to change it, and trust the opinions of those we trust and believe.
I don't know what value you place on my words, but I would like you to know that I don't think you've done anything wrong. I think you've been wronged, and have every right to feel hurt, angry, and betrayed.
It's a common survival technique that some men use, to blame the one they are hurting for the mess. That way they don't have to accept blame. If in the time spent with you, they hurt us, and we get angry, they use that anger as the cause for leaving us. They shift the blame away from themselves. The trouble is that we sometimes buy into their accusations.
You don't have to play along. You were wronged, and he is trying to manipulate you. You can hold your head up tall. You can be proud. You have been honorable. You are a very bright, intelligent and caring woman. Please take care of yourself. Treat yourself kindly. Do pleasant things for you. Allow yourself the time and effort to look good. Allow yourself the ability to be proud of who you are.
Take care,
Dee.

 

Re: Ambien not working./ dee

Posted by kara lynne on December 14, 2003, at 12:29:12

In reply to Re: Ambien not working. » kara lynne, posted by deirdrehbrt on December 14, 2003, at 11:44:56

Thank you so much for your kind words dee. I'm big time in the abandonment reaction, feeling the desperation of wanting to be a 'good girl, I promise'.

I slept bad, I feel raw. Falls asked me who loved me and all I could come up with was kojak. But I really meant it.

You're right about how certain men have a pattern of shifting the blame; my ex was certainly one of them. But I'm so stuck right now in that he doesn't care...I guess he knew exactly what to say to make me fixate on that.

Because if I don't fixate on that I might focus on the anger, which I do believe is righteous in this case. But it's amazing how it can be turned against me so easily--I don't need to do it myself because he did it for me! He turned it right back around so fast my head was spinning. I guess that's something to be aware of; I showed true anger and got punished and rejected forever.

Yes, I am afraid. This is a scary place. Thank you for understanding.

 

time for a technological solution?

Posted by octopusprime on December 14, 2003, at 14:22:13

In reply to Re: My ex's last comment...octo, posted by kara lynne on December 14, 2003, at 2:04:15

kara lynne:

sounds like it's time to file your ex's emails directly in the electronic trash.

if you need help creating a filter to auto-delete his emails, post the email client you're using (for example, outlook express, netscape 6.2, etc) or the webmail service you're using (for example, hotmail). i can post instructions for you if need be.

well i'm sad to hear that you were delirious and did not get enough sleep. hopefully, once a few days have passed, things will return to normal (though the holidays are triggering!)

can you return to meditating to try and achieve some peace of mind?

 

Re: I'll probably get flamed for saying this.... » kara lynne

Posted by Dinah on December 14, 2003, at 14:41:57

In reply to Re: Ambien not working./ dee, posted by kara lynne on December 14, 2003, at 12:29:12

And the good lord knows that I have absolutely no relationship knowledge at all. But it seems to me that you still have significant unresolved issues with your ex. If he's still willing to spring for a counselor, mightn't it be a good idea to meet him there, and only there, to try to emotionally break up as well as physically break up? (And I suppose, conceivably, if he's now as wonderful as he thinks he is, you could try to work on rebuilding a relationship.) If he's not still willing, are you able to afford a therapist at this point? One with special experience with relationships?

Again, I'm no expert. But I remember how miserable I was when I was still emotionally entangled with my mother, and how wonderful it felt to one day look at her and have her be little short of a stranger to me. Emotional divorce puts all those demons to rest.

 

No Dinah flambe'.

Posted by kara lynne on December 14, 2003, at 16:41:49

In reply to Re: I'll probably get flamed for saying this.... » kara lynne, posted by Dinah on December 14, 2003, at 14:41:57

I might have taken you up on that a week ago. But per his most recent email I see that he is entirely unwilling to do any real work. I'm strong right now because I just talked to my counselor. I asked her what she would do and she said she would try, as hard as it was, to say THIS IS SO BAD FOR ME everytime she wanted to go back into it.

So that's my mantra for today.
Tomorrow I might want to go to counseling with him. : (

 

Re: What a relief!!! :) » kara lynne

Posted by Dinah on December 14, 2003, at 17:16:14

In reply to No Dinah flambe'., posted by kara lynne on December 14, 2003, at 16:41:49

I'm glad you're feeling stronger today. Long may it last!

 

THIS IS SO BAD FOR ME » kara lynne

Posted by fallsfall on December 14, 2003, at 17:41:12

In reply to No Dinah flambe'., posted by kara lynne on December 14, 2003, at 16:41:49

What a great phrase.

 

Re: THIS IS SO BAD FOR ME

Posted by kara lynne on December 14, 2003, at 19:06:21

In reply to THIS IS SO BAD FOR ME » kara lynne, posted by fallsfall on December 14, 2003, at 17:41:12

Thank you for reminding me. I said I'd go home and write in in big red block letters on the wall.

 

Re: THIS IS SO BAD FOR ME

Posted by deirdrehbrt on December 14, 2003, at 20:34:38

In reply to Re: THIS IS SO BAD FOR ME, posted by kara lynne on December 14, 2003, at 19:06:21

Kara,
Sorry I didn't get back sooner. Been having some brain cramps today.
I was thinking about the counseling. I have one concern there. That concern is that there might be conflicting agendas. Should you go to counseling with him, I would suggest that it be a completely new counselor, and that you both go with the intent of resolving your conflicts, in whatever form that resolution might take.
I also think that you shouldn't go unless you are healthy enough to handle it yourself. Couples therapy is really difficult. For me, it was hard to express my own wants and desires. I have a natural tendency to do what it takes to eliminate conflict. That doesn't work to my advantage, especially when the other party has their own agenda.
Were I going into it now, I might have done things differently than before. I don't know how I would have done things, but I would have looked after my own interests just a bit better.
You're going through an incredibly difficult time right now. Please look after your own interests in all of this. Please take care of yourself, so you have the strength, courage and perserverance to look out for yourself.
Look here, and see all of the people who are on your side, who care for you, and who want you to come through this better and stronger. Remember the you that we know, Intelligent, wise, courageous. You're going to make it, and you'll come out better than fine on the other side, however it turns out.
One last thing, about the way things turn out... I managed to learn that when you have considered ALL of the possibilities, there are many that you haven't considered at all, and one incredible, fantastic one that you hadn't even dared to believe.
So, dare to believe that something incredible can happen. It can.
Dee.


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