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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Emme on October 16, 2003, at 7:58:39
Hi everyone. I'm back in misery again. For a while I've been too spacey to post here. I've just managed to make a few posts on Psycho-Babble. Did have a couple of acceptable days, but they don't last. Mornings are the worst part of the day, especially this time of year. I wake up and it's *dark* and I've had bad dreams and everything seems hopeless beyond belief and all I can see is endless mornings waking up alone, and I want to reach for a bottle and end it all. I'm headed for the abyss....again.
Doesn't help that I'm unepmloyed, don't know what I want to do, don't see meaning in my life, am watching my career to go waste, and know that I will have to move if I get a job and will probably be in a strange place with no one and have to go through the horror of being even more alone than I am while trying to meet new people. And it's my birthday later this month - I'm another year older, still alone, and still trying to cope with some sort of bipolar depression.
My doctor tries so hard. She's up on the latest developments, always responsive and attentive, one of the best around. I feel bad for her trying to treat me. But I can't stand any more medicine changes. I feel bad for my therapist. Patient, skilled, incredibly kind. So why can't I get better? (rhetorical question)
Rant over. Just had to spill out. Sorry about the run-on sentences.
Emme
Posted by Penny on October 16, 2003, at 8:16:12
In reply to Mornings are horrid, posted by Emme on October 16, 2003, at 7:58:39
Wow - we have so much in common. Except that I'm not unemployed, but I was last year, and I moved to a new town where I only knew one person, who turned out to be helpful in some ways (gave me a place to live) but then became overbearing.
And, more than a year later, I just celebrated (yeah, right) my 27th birthday and I have a job (have been here for a year) but I still wake up each morning alone and still have almost no friends.
And I have a pdoc who I think is the best in the world, but he hasn't been able to fix me (which makes me think I am 'unfixable').
But, what I can tell you, that you already know, is that your mood will lift again. I can't say it will lift permanently, as I've never had that experience, but it *will* lift. Things won't always look so bleak as they do this morning.
Try to find *something* to hold onto. Do you have a pet? I know you're unemployed...but if you can afford to get a pet and you don't have a pet, get a pet. Pets give you something to hold on to.
Sending you warm thoughts and hoping your day gets better.
(((Emme)))
P
Posted by Emme on October 17, 2003, at 8:41:26
In reply to Re: Mornings are horrid » Emme, posted by Penny on October 16, 2003, at 8:16:12
Hi Penny,
Thanks so much for your words of encouragement. It's the next morning and I'm still here....
> Wow - we have so much in common. Except that I'm not unemployed, but I was last year, and I moved to a new town where I only knew one person, who turned out to be helpful in some ways (gave me a place to live) but then became overbearing.
> And, more than a year later, I just celebrated (yeah, right) my 27th birthday and I have a job (have been here for a year) but I still wake up each morning alone and still have almost no friends.
Happy belated birthday! I did stop feeling celebratory in my 20's, but I'll say it to you anyway. :) You're still so young, though maybe you don't feel it. I do hope you will be able to start to meet some new people. Do you like your job?
One of my friends and his wife had a method of meeting new people in a new place. Once they knew just a few people, maybe from work, they'd throw a dinner party, cook up a storm, and invite those few people with the condition that they bring along someone new that the hosts didn't know (in addition to their significant others). I'm not sure I would have the energy to do that in a "new place depressed state", but it seemed to work for them.
I am so afraid of that "new place" aloneness. Do you have a support system of friends in other places that you can talk to by phone and internet?
> And I have a pdoc who I think is the best in the world, but he hasn't been able to fix me (which makes me think I am 'unfixable').
I hear ya. I keep expecting my pdoc and therapist to just give up on me. But they seem to be very stubborn. They believe in me far more than I believe in me.
> But, what I can tell you, that you already know, is that your mood will lift again. I can't say it will lift permanently, as I've never had that experience, but it *will* lift. Things won't always look so bleak as they do this morning.
It keeps coming back...I'm always waiting for the other shoe to fall. And even when the day is *better*, it's nowhere like a full remission. Itjust goes from really horrible to less horrible. How do you hold onto hope when you count the good times in hours?
> Try to find *something* to hold onto. Do you have a pet? I know you're unemployed...but if you can afford to get a pet and you don't have a pet, get a pet. Pets give you something to hold on to.
I wish. My landlord won't permit it. Do you have one?
>
> Sending you warm thoughts and hoping your day gets better.> (((Emme)))
Thanks. I wish a decent day for you.
((Penny))
Emme
Posted by Susan J on October 17, 2003, at 15:42:38
In reply to Mornings are horrid, posted by Emme on October 16, 2003, at 7:58:39
Hi, Emme,
I'm so sorry you are not feeling too well. I don't know if it helps or not, but when I was super depressed, my therapist said it was really typical to be the most depressed in the morning and it gradually got better during the day...
Just *knowing* it was typical/normal/I wasn't some sort of freak really helped me. And I knew by the pm at least I wouldn't have tears streaming down my face for no reason. It's the little things in life we've got to appreciate.
:-)I hope you are feeling better....I'll be thinking of ya,
Susan
Posted by jay on October 17, 2003, at 21:37:12
In reply to Mornings are horrid, posted by Emme on October 16, 2003, at 7:58:39
Hi Emme:
Sorry to hear...I know what you mean about mornings:-( Just curious, do you have a hard time getting to sleep, and having a *good* sleep? Please let me know....thanks
Best,
Jay
Posted by Emme on October 18, 2003, at 9:09:40
In reply to Mornings are horrid, posted by Emme on October 16, 2003, at 7:58:39
I woke up again today crying. The suicidal impulses are awfully strong when I wake up. I know that no amount of medication or therapy can give me a husband or ease the profound loneliness. I'm about to turn 38 already and feel like my days for finding a partner are long over. Medication and therapy can't give me the children I want so much, some direction and my career back, or the time I've lost to this mood disorder. My therapist would say that that's the depression talking. But I dunno.
I sure would love to hear some happy stories of women finding love and family at my age. Maybe that would give me some hope to hold on to.
Geez, I'm sorry for rambling on so much. It's morning right now, in case you haven't guessed. Aren't I the little ray of sunshine. :) Waiting for 3 pm.
Emme
Posted by Emme on October 18, 2003, at 9:13:50
In reply to Re: Mornings are horrid » Emme, posted by jay on October 17, 2003, at 21:37:12
Hi Jay,
I do seem to fall asleep and sleep through the night. When I'm not medicated properly, I have terrible sleep problems. Abilify made me wake up every hour. Lamictal used to make me wake up early, which I used to like, but I don't wake up so early anymore, maybe because of the other medications I'm on.
Emme
> Hi Emme:
>
> Sorry to hear...I know what you mean about mornings:-( Just curious, do you have a hard time getting to sleep, and having a *good* sleep? Please let me know....thanks
>
> Best,
> Jay
Posted by Emme on October 18, 2003, at 10:22:58
In reply to Re: Mornings are horrid » Emme, posted by Susan J on October 17, 2003, at 15:42:38
Hi Susan,
Thanks for much for your kind thoughts.
Emme
Posted by kara lynne on October 18, 2003, at 15:20:03
In reply to Mornings are horrid, posted by Emme on October 16, 2003, at 7:58:39
Hi Emme,
I'm sorry you're feeling bad but I envy you your doctor. I'm in such a similar place; I went to school for four years and haven't the motivation or confidence to do anything with it. And I agree--mornings are the worst. I was just telling my counselor the other day that I couldn't find one reason to get out of bed in the morning.It's probably not helping you any to hear from me, but maybe if you know there's another human somewhere on the globe waking up and feeling the same way...
Birthdays can bring it all up, that's for sure. I'll pray that you and I both won't have to wake up alone forever.
Kara
Posted by kara lynne on October 18, 2003, at 15:22:17
In reply to It's morning again...., posted by Emme on October 18, 2003, at 9:09:40
God I'm sorry emme! I just read this one where you're wanting to hear hopeful stories. Next time I'll read through before I click send.
Posted by Dinah on October 19, 2003, at 8:48:16
In reply to Mornings are horrid, posted by Emme on October 16, 2003, at 7:58:39
I think it's absolutely common for mornings to be worst. They are for me. When I get up, and things need doing, and life goes on, I don't feel as bad.
My therapist says that when you're dropping off to sleep and when you're waking in the morning, your unconscious is more available to you than at other times, and all the more primitive feelings come out at those times.
Posted by Emme on October 20, 2003, at 8:51:51
In reply to Re: Mornings are horrid » Emme, posted by Dinah on October 19, 2003, at 8:48:16
> I think it's absolutely common for mornings to be worst. They are for me. When I get up, and things need doing, and life goes on, I don't feel as bad.
Morning started at 4:15 am today, but I was too tired to get up and do anything useful (or harmful). I did drop off to sleep again. The ever-present suicidal thoughts and plans get really concrete during such times. I guess I need to think of things to get mornings started more routinely and productively. Before my job ended, I was trying to be in the office by 7:30, so even if I felt bad and was crying on the way, I was going somewhere.
> My therapist says that when you're dropping off to sleep and when you're waking in the morning, your unconscious is more available to you than at other times, and all the more primitive feelings come out at those times.
I can believe that. I think my subconscious hates my conscious. :)
Posted by Emme on October 20, 2003, at 8:55:22
In reply to Re: It's morning again...., posted by kara lynne on October 18, 2003, at 15:22:17
> God I'm sorry emme! I just read this one where you're wanting to hear hopeful stories. Next time I'll read through before I click send.
Oh don't worry about it! Empathy is great too. I appreciate the postings from you and Dinah.
Posted by Penny on October 20, 2003, at 9:19:23
In reply to Re: It's morning again.... » kara lynne, posted by Emme on October 20, 2003, at 8:55:22
Emme,
Thinking about you this morning...how are things going today?
I do hear often about how depression is worse for many folks in the morning - mine tends to get worse late in the day. Always something to look forward to :-b
On another note - is there a reason you feel you have to wait for a husband to have children? I decided a while ago that at some point, married or not, I will have children. Don't know that I will give birth to them - I may adopt - but I will have kids.
However, I do have a friend who didn't meet and marry her hubby until she was 41. Was single up until that point - had a successful career, her own home, and became a foster mother. Then she met her husband and they were married a few months later. Now they are trying for a baby, but have decided (after several rounds with in vitro) that if they can't have one of their own, they will adopt. They just bought a new house and are already decorating the nursery.
So, 38 is not too late.
P
Posted by Emme on October 20, 2003, at 9:53:41
In reply to Re: It's morning again.... » Emme, posted by Penny on October 20, 2003, at 9:19:23
Hi Penny,
> Thinking about you this morning...how are things going today?
Thanks for writing. Today I did not get up crying, so that's a nice plus. We'll see what tomorrow brings. I'm so fatalistic - always waiting for the other shoe. It's possible I may cycle down soon because of the AD I'm using (I was utterly desperate for AD effect). But if tomorrow is oaky then that will be nice too.
> I do hear often about how depression is worse for many folks in the morning - mine tends to get worse late in the day. Always something to look forward to :-b
Biological thing I guess. Poor you. You get up knowing it's going to get worse....
> On another note - is there a reason you feel you have to wait for a husband to have children? I decided a while ago that at some point, married or not, I will have children. Don't know that I will give birth to them - I may adopt - but I will have kids.
Funny you should mention that. I'm leery of being pregnant and alone. The other week I obsessively called adoption agencies because I wondered if my history of mood disorder would put me out of the running to adopt as a single parent. I don't know if I'd have the emotional and physical resources to go it alone. But I really want one. The messages I got were that international was the best way to go, that China was pretty much out because they are very strict, but that it was *possible* to adopt from other countries if your psychiatrist could write a letter of support. So it's not all gloom and doom in that department. I should plan for about a year for the process and about $20K.
One hitch is that you have to be able to name alternate people who would assume raising the child should you die. Makes sense but I honestly don't know anyone I could comfortably ask that of. I have lots of friends but they're overloaded themselves. No real options as far as family members.
But I'll worry about that in a few years. I have a lot of work to do before then. Get a job, save up the money for adoption.... I'm starting from zero.
> However, I do have a friend who didn't meet and marry her hubby until she was 41. Was single up until that point - had a successful career, her own home, and became a foster mother. Then she met her husband and they were married a few months later. Now they are trying for a baby, but have decided (after several rounds with in vitro) that if they can't have one of their own, they will adopt. They just bought a new house and are already decorating the nursery.
> So, 38 is not too late.That's a great story. Thanks for sharing that! Just curious. How did she meet her husband?
Emme
Posted by Penny on October 20, 2003, at 10:10:08
In reply to Re: It's morning again.... » Penny, posted by Emme on October 20, 2003, at 9:53:41
> > However, I do have a friend who didn't meet and marry her hubby until she was 41. Was single up until that point - had a successful career, her own home, and became a foster mother. Then she met her husband and they were married a few months later. Now they are trying for a baby, but have decided (after several rounds with in vitro) that if they can't have one of their own, they will adopt. They just bought a new house and are already decorating the nursery.
>
> > So, 38 is not too late.
>
> That's a great story. Thanks for sharing that! Just curious. How did she meet her husband?
They met through mutual friends. And neither of them had ever been married. They are a fantastic match, and he wants kids as much as she does. It's unfortunate that they've had trouble getting pregnant - she was and had a miscarriage - but they will have children one way or another.P
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