![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 22 of 22. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Penny on October 1, 2003, at 9:57:43
Okay, so that's not exactly the lyrics of the song, but it's how I feel today. Only one of my coworkers even knows today is my birthday, and we are supposed to go to lunch (her birthday was last week, so it will be a joint 'celebration'), but I haven't seen her today. My parents called, which is good, but no other birthday wishes, minus my therapist yesterday.
Tonight I will go home and probably go to sleep. That seems to be all I have the energy for these days. No closer to being settled in my new apartment, and, while I'm glad to be free of the stressful roommate situation, I'm still struggling to keep my head above water.
I hate birthdays. Or, should I say, I hate my birthday. And if I say that, all I hear is "but you're so young!!!" Yes - I'm 27 today. I'm still fairly young. Which makes the fact that I'm so depressed that much more depressing. B/c it makes one ask, what exactly do I have depressed about?
I won't go there right now.
I wish I was home in bed instead of at work. I'm tired...
I apologize for the pity party I'm having with myself.
P
Posted by Chicklet on October 1, 2003, at 11:16:56
In reply to It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to..., posted by Penny on October 1, 2003, at 9:57:43
Hey Penny. Remember Sandra Boynton books? There was a birthday card she did that showed one hippo, 2 birds and 2 ewes on the front. I always loved that birthday card. I almost always think of it when someone says 'happy birthday'. Hippo, birdie dear Penny...hippo birdie two ewes.
i didn't want to post here but you're having one of those birthday moments and i can relate. Why do birthdays insist that we look back and assess the past year? Just like "another New Years", "Another summer"...if I don't feel great anyway, holidays- heck, even weekends just like to scream at me, "HA!!! I return!!!"
I also think that b-days are tough if we don't have a lot of support...always want to feel special on your b-day, you know? It's natural. We can say that it doesn't matter but you know, it's still nice if people just wish you well, i
think.
And I wish you well. This year will be different and better. Well look at the roomie situation...You're already better off than last year! :D>>I apologize for the pity party I'm having with myself.
Would that be a birthday pity party? Don't be silly. You're not bitching, just emoting. That's why the board's here. That's what I think we should have...birthday pityparties. Don't force me to pretend I'm happy, damnit! Your guests could bring consolation gifts, say, "really sorry"...and it would be all taken care of! So you could party but you but wouldn't be expected to smile sweetly.
Posted by Adia on October 1, 2003, at 11:46:02
In reply to It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to..., posted by Penny on October 1, 2003, at 9:57:43
Penny,
we've never talked before...
but I wanted to wish you Happy Birthday..
I don't like birthdays, or holidays..even weekends...because I hate to have to smile or pretend everything's fine when inside I may be crying or I lack energy to do anything..
But it's nice to feel loved or to feel people care about you...in the past few years I've tried to celebrate my birthday in a different way..
Sometimes I just go out for a coffee with a friend and I have a heart-to-heart talk and I even let myself cry and be held for a little while...or sometimes I take my little niece somewhere nice -i love being around children and it helps me feel a little heart smile...I shop around and buy something I want, sometimes a teddy bear :o) or I go to a big bookstore and buy books...
I try to do something nice for myself...at least one little thing.
I guess we all need to feel loved and being reminded that we are loved and that someone is with us.
For me a heartfelt hug is the most special gift.
Just wanted to wish you well and send you my support, and I hope you can do something nice for yourself today...
Even if you want to go to bed and watch movies and cry ...that's okay. Just do what you feel and want...I hate to think back of what i have or haven't accomplished because I end up feeling so depressed...and I try not to think of what other people do or how they celebrate. I prefer to do what I feel in my heart. hope you can do the same...
I am 27 too... ;o)
just thinking of you and sending you best wishes,
Adia.> Okay, so that's not exactly the lyrics of the song, but it's how I feel today. Only one of my coworkers even knows today is my birthday, and we are supposed to go to lunch (her birthday was last week, so it will be a joint 'celebration'), but I haven't seen her today. My parents called, which is good, but no other birthday wishes, minus my therapist yesterday.
>
> Tonight I will go home and probably go to sleep. That seems to be all I have the energy for these days. No closer to being settled in my new apartment, and, while I'm glad to be free of the stressful roommate situation, I'm still struggling to keep my head above water.
>
> I hate birthdays. Or, should I say, I hate my birthday. And if I say that, all I hear is "but you're so young!!!" Yes - I'm 27 today. I'm still fairly young. Which makes the fact that I'm so depressed that much more depressing. B/c it makes one ask, what exactly do I have depressed about?
>
> I won't go there right now.
>
> I wish I was home in bed instead of at work. I'm tired...
>
> I apologize for the pity party I'm having with myself.
>
> P
Posted by yabba on October 1, 2003, at 12:25:59
In reply to It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to..., posted by Penny on October 1, 2003, at 9:57:43
Is asking where people live a no-no on this board? I think I'd like to meet you people that echo my thoughts so clearly. Maybe we could communicate locations by e-mail or something.. Hmm.. having friends, what a juicy fantasy and it would probobly help with self-esteem and all that. UNFORTUNATELY sitting like a rigid board, non-speaking board in public doesn't help me make friends usually.
Posted by Penny on October 1, 2003, at 12:34:10
In reply to Hippo Birdie Two Ewes, Penny, posted by Chicklet on October 1, 2003, at 11:16:56
> Hey Penny. Remember Sandra Boynton books? There was a birthday card she did that showed one hippo, 2 birds and 2 ewes on the front. I always loved that birthday card. I almost always think of it when someone says 'happy birthday'. Hippo, birdie dear Penny...hippo birdie two ewes.
I don't remember seeing that card, but I love Sandra Boynton. I read her books to the little one I babysit for now. Thanks for the sentiment.
>
> i didn't want to post here but you're having one of those birthday moments and i can relate. Why do birthdays insist that we look back and assess the past year? Just like "another New Years", "Another summer"...if I don't feel great anyway, holidays- heck, even weekends just like to scream at me, "HA!!! I return!!!"
>
> I also think that b-days are tough if we don't have a lot of support...always want to feel special on your b-day, you know? It's natural. We can say that it doesn't matter but you know, it's still nice if people just wish you well, i
> think.
> And I wish you well. This year will be different and better. Well look at the roomie situation...You're already better off than last year! :DI guess that's what's making me sad today - no one here even realizes it's my birthday. The one person at work who knew and who was supposed to have lunch with me today had to cancel (work project), so I had lunch alone. I just feel so alone.
> >>I apologize for the pity party I'm having with myself.
>
> Would that be a birthday pity party? Don't be silly. You're not bitching, just emoting. That's why the board's here. That's what I think we should have...birthday pityparties. Don't force me to pretend I'm happy, damnit! Your guests could bring consolation gifts, say, "really sorry"...and it would be all taken care of! So you could party but you but wouldn't be expected to smile sweetly.Except there wouldn't be any guests.
This is probably the worst birthday I've ever had, I do believe. Not to say that it couldn't get worse - it certainly could - but it really really sucks.
I just wish I wasn't here anymore.
Thanks for the birthday wishes, though. I appreciate them.
P
Posted by Penny on October 1, 2003, at 12:42:38
In reply to Re: It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to... » Penny, posted by Adia on October 1, 2003, at 11:46:02
> Penny,
> we've never talked before...
> but I wanted to wish you Happy Birthday..Thank you.
> I don't like birthdays, or holidays..even weekends...because I hate to have to smile or pretend everything's fine when inside I may be crying or I lack energy to do anything..
I hate it when I feel bad on days that are supposed to be 'happy' days.
> But it's nice to feel loved or to feel people care about you...in the past few years I've tried to celebrate my birthday in a different way..
> Sometimes I just go out for a coffee with a friend and I have a heart-to-heart talk and I even let myself cry and be held for a little while...or sometimes I take my little niece somewhere nice -i love being around children and it helps me feel a little heart smile...I shop around and buy something I want, sometimes a teddy bear :o) or I go to a big bookstore and buy books...
> I try to do something nice for myself...at least one little thing.
> I guess we all need to feel loved and being reminded that we are loved and that someone is with us.
> For me a heartfelt hug is the most special gift.
> Just wanted to wish you well and send you my support, and I hope you can do something nice for yourself today...
> Even if you want to go to bed and watch movies and cry ...that's okay. Just do what you feel and want...I hate to think back of what i have or haven't accomplished because I end up feeling so depressed...and I try not to think of what other people do or how they celebrate. I prefer to do what I feel in my heart. hope you can do the same...
> I am 27 too... ;o)
> just thinking of you and sending you best wishes,
> Adia.
Thank you again. This day is just sending me spiraling deeper and deeper into the Pit. My pdoc tried to get me to come up with something I could do on my birthday, and I've tried to think of something I could do nice for myself or something fun, but I'm just feeling so alone. At least at my old job someone always kept track of birthdays and was responsible for getting a card for everyone to sign (there were actually two people, in case one of them wasn't available), so everyone knew it was your birthday and you got a card that everyone had signed, and it was just nice. And often they'd do something more - cake and ice cream in the break room or something like that. Around here apparently the only birthdays they care about are those for folks turning 40. I wasn't here on my birthday last year, and they don't know when it is, and even the folks who *should* know, b/c they deal with the records and everything, don't know. I guess no one pays attention. And part of me wants to yell, "It's my birthday!!! Isn't ANYONE going to wish me a happy birthday???" but I'm not that kind of person. I don't like *asking* for well wishes.This just sucks.
I may take the rest of the day off and go home to my dogs. At least they love me, even if they don't realize it's my birthday. ;-) To them, my birthday might as well be everyday.
Thanks again for the birthday wishes, and good to meet you.
P
Posted by Penny on October 1, 2003, at 12:44:09
In reply to Re: It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to..., posted by Penny on October 1, 2003, at 12:42:38
Posted by Penny on October 1, 2003, at 12:54:21
In reply to Re: It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to..., posted by yabba on October 1, 2003, at 12:25:59
Some people on here are more open with their locations than others - I live in Carrboro, NC and work at UNC-Chapel Hill. I've actually emailed a couple of the folks I've met on the board from my area using 'real' names (my 'real' name is not Penny) and I've had coffee a few times with one of the ladies I've met here.
Making friends in person is difficult - I had friends through work in Charlotte (where I lived from June 1998 - August 2002) and I had friends in college, but here I pretty much just have my former roommate, and we have lots of issues (have been friends for 9 years and never should have become roommates - now our relationship is seriously strained). Part of my problem - I'm not exactly a barrel of laughs when I feel depressed so much of the time. Many folks just don't understand why and I don't want to be a burden on them. Then there are the folks I used to be pretty close to who I've become distanced from for various reasons. Even with some of them reaching out to me lately, I just don't have the energy to put into strengthening/maintaining/renewing the friendship. Not that I don't want friends, but some of these folks live 2-3 hours away and I don't have the time or energy to see them very frequently, nor the money to talk to them long distance all the time, and they're not that big on email.
I don't know, excuses excuses and I'm rambling. Sorry. :-|
Anyway, that's my story...
P
Posted by Sabina on October 1, 2003, at 12:56:25
In reply to It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to..., posted by Penny on October 1, 2003, at 9:57:43
Posted by Penny on October 1, 2003, at 12:58:44
In reply to Re: It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to... » Penny, posted by Sabina on October 1, 2003, at 12:56:25
Posted by fallsfall on October 1, 2003, at 15:18:24
In reply to Re: Cute! Thanks. (nm) » Sabina, posted by Penny on October 1, 2003, at 12:58:44
Happy Birthday, Penny!
I wrote a whole long post, but my mood is weird, so I think I should keep it short instead.
EAT ICE CREAM.
Find people (even if they are complete strangers) to eat ice cream with you. If you can't find anyone, get the same amount of ice cream and eat it all yourself.
Do buy yourself a fun and frivolous present (NO toasters) - and then tell us what you got.
I want to know what kind of ice cream, too.
Posted by Penny on October 1, 2003, at 16:00:48
In reply to Re: Birthdays. » Penny, posted by fallsfall on October 1, 2003, at 15:18:24
> Happy Birthday, Penny!
Thanks!
> I wrote a whole long post, but my mood is weird, so I think I should keep it short instead.
I know how that is.
> EAT ICE CREAM.Don't worry - I will.
> Find people (even if they are complete strangers) to eat ice cream with you. If you can't find anyone, get the same amount of ice cream and eat it all yourself.
Don't know of anyone (and I guess I wouldn't know them if they were complete strangers) to have ice cream with. My former roommate and I actually had ice cream last night when we met so I could give her a check for the last of the utilities. I had peanut butter cup and Haunted Maze, which had all kinds of things (choc. malt balls, marshmallows, cherries, etc.) in double chocolate ice cream. Pretty good.
> Do buy yourself a fun and frivolous present (NO toasters) - and then tell us what you got.
I have a hard time with fun & frivolous...
> I want to know what kind of ice cream, too.
I'll let you know.
P
Posted by Dinah on October 1, 2003, at 19:09:53
In reply to It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to..., posted by Penny on October 1, 2003, at 9:57:43
Happy birthday, Penny!
I hate birthdays too. Always did.
But you know, it's perfectly ok to ask for what you want at work or with friends. People may not know your bithday, but they might want to give you a cheery birthday greeting or go our to lunch if they did know.
Well, happy un-birtheay tomorrow, too. :)
Posted by yabba on October 1, 2003, at 19:12:37
In reply to Re: Where folks live » yabba, posted by Penny on October 1, 2003, at 12:54:21
I see. I understand the situation you're in I think because I try to avoid potential girlfriends for the same reason you avoid friends. I have an odd knack of making girls become distraught by only exchanging a few glances with them and without talking to them at all. It usually takes a week or so of me trying to avoid looking at them even though I get paranoid and can't help but glance over sometimes. They notice the looks of course and think I'm interested. I guess they think that I'm rejecting them but I don't ever go up to talk to them because I'm just saving myself the hassle of looking stupid by trying.
Posted by Tabitha on October 1, 2003, at 20:14:48
In reply to It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to..., posted by Penny on October 1, 2003, at 9:57:43
birthdays should be abolished. but greetings to you anyway Penny. Happy 27.
Posted by Penny on October 2, 2003, at 8:41:36
In reply to Re: It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to... » Penny, posted by Tabitha on October 1, 2003, at 20:14:48
Well, my coworker who knew about my birthday must've said something yesterday afternoon, b/c about 4:30 several of my coworkers told me happy birthday and asked why I didn't say anything. And then my boss stopped in my office this morning and apologized for not realizing it was my birthday - I told him it wasn't like I said anything.
I guess it just takes the fun out of it if you have to tell people about things like that. But I shouldn't expect them to just know.
Then I was on the way home last night and was talking to my grandmother on my cell and remembered that I have an appointment today with the headache clinic here at UNC that I've had for 9 months that I meant to cancel. At the time the appointment was made, I was having daily headaches and had been for years. For some reason they seem to have nearly stopped (I still get on average about 1 headache a week, though they're not severe ones usually). So I saw no reason to go. But I forgot to cancel the appointment and then got really really upset b/c I didn't want to go for no reason and have to pay to see those docs, etc. But I couldn't remember what time the appointment was and for some reason I didn't have it written in my calendar. I went home and tore the house apart (literally throwing papers) looking for the appointment sheet I got in the mail, and was a total wreck - screaming at myself, crying, full of anger at myself, wanting to hurt myself. Not a good place to be. I thought about paging my pdoc, as he's told me to do, but I don't have a regular phone hooked up yet in my new place and paging him from my cell doesn't work very well (messes up the numbers). So I didn't. Nor did I call my therapist, even though I have her home number and I'm sure she would have understood. But it was really not a good place to be.
After I found the paper I calmed down and then went out (per fallsfall's recommendation) and got ice cream - pumpkin pie and double chocolate - I just bought two pints and came back home and ate some. Not all of it, but about half. Then I went to Walmart and just walked around, and my great-aunt called me and we talked while I was there. Her feeling is that I should consider moving nearer to family - my feeling is that *that* isn't going to fix anything.
So I have therapy tonight and see my pdoc again tomorrow where I'm going to tell him that the Remeron isn't working at all for the depression and might be helping slightly with sleep, but not significantly, so I don't want to take it anymore. Then we can talk again about what few drugs I have left to try - I think he's getting frustrated. I know I am.
Oh - and I was able to cancel the headache clinic appointment this morning without any problem. I was afraid they would charge me since I didn't give 24 hours notice. Thankfully they won't.
Anyway - thanks for the birthday wishes from everyone. I appreciate them!
P
Posted by Penny on October 2, 2003, at 8:46:15
In reply to Re: Where folks live, posted by yabba on October 1, 2003, at 19:12:37
Yeah, I give off a completely 'uninterested' vibe toward the men I meet, I suspect. It's funny b/c I've always assumed I would one day meet someone and get married, but I now know that that's not going to happen unless I put forth some more effort. I went out with a guy a few times several months ago, but then things got weird and I got depressed and it's not like I could be honest with him about it...so for the most part I don't date. And lately haven't even had the interest. And don't know that I even ever want to be married anymore, b/c of the effort that has to go into that relationship. I'm not sure it's worth it. I'm sure some happily married folks would disagree, but I feel like I can barely keep my own head above water, much less work on keeping a marriage healthy.
I don't know. I'm hoping I will grow out of this... ;-)
P
Posted by fallsfall on October 2, 2003, at 13:56:03
In reply to Re: It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to..., posted by Penny on October 2, 2003, at 8:41:36
I know it's no fun if you have to tell them, but if you don't they won't know. I'm glad some people at work stopped in to say Happy Birthday.
Pumpkin Pie ice cream??? Hmmmm. I can't quite imagine. I'll have to look for it.
And you got some calls from family, that's nice.
You couldn't find anything frivolous to buy in Wal-Mart?? I have trouble with fun and frivolous, too. It might be easier if you try to find something that would be fun to do that day or the next day and consider the entire price an entertainment price (so you don't have to find something with lasting value). Try the toy department, or craft department, or find a silly nicknack that is really "you", or find a really cool tool in Hardware (that you may never use) - check out the pipe cutters, those are the coolest tool ever, or look in health and beauty aids for facials, or a toe nail buffer, or bubble bath.
Keep the faith, I'm cheering for you!
Posted by Penny on October 2, 2003, at 15:41:58
In reply to Re: It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to... » Penny, posted by fallsfall on October 2, 2003, at 13:56:03
> Pumpkin Pie ice cream??? Hmmmm. I can't quite imagine. I'll have to look for it.
Edy's has a special edition of pumpkin or pumpkin pie ice cream out right now, for the holidays. Haven't had theirs - my favorite ice cream place is a farm here that uses the milk/cream from their cows to make their own ice cream. They have the cutest little country store where they sell ice cream (flavors from basics like vanilla and chocolate to more unusuals like teaberry, ginger and chocolate peppermint), milk (whole, lowfat and skim), chocolate milk, buttermilk & cream (all in glass jars - half gallons and quarts), butter, cheese, eggs, and, of course, beef. Everything they sell is either produced by them or by local folks. And there are rocking chairs - 20-30 of them - on the front porch of the store that you can sit and rock in and eat your ice cream and look out over the farm.
Here's the website: http://www.mapleviewfarm.com/pages/countrystore.html
> You couldn't find anything frivolous to buy in Wal-Mart??I just have so much stuff already, and it's driving me crazy. My aunt & uncle gave me candles in addition to my lunch, which I love, but it's more stuff to set around in my house, and I already have so much sitting around already!
Oh well.
P
Posted by fallsfall on October 2, 2003, at 16:23:02
In reply to Re: It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to... » fallsfall, posted by Penny on October 2, 2003, at 15:41:58
We have Edy's here. I'll look for pumpkin ice cream.
15 years ago I used to go to a farm, say hello to the cows and get my milk in glass bottles. I was the only one in my family who didn't want it homogonized, so I didn't get the milk with the cream on the top. Their chocolate milk was THE BEST. My daughter's favorite cow was Cow #22. We don't live near there any more - so sad.
It is only 12 1/2 hours for me to drive to your farm. I'll let you know when I'm coming!
So, if you have a lot of stuff you have to look at consumables (my mother wants nothing but consumables) - food, candles, crafts that you can make and then give away, theatre tickets, health and beauty aids (bubble bath), hire someone to clean your apartment once so you don't have to, etc. Anything that eventually (or quickly) goes away, but gives you pleasure in the meantime. Aromatherapy, a ride in a hot air balloon.
Obviously, I'm procrastinating working on what I'm supposed to be working on.
Smile
Posted by Penny on October 3, 2003, at 8:24:07
In reply to Re: It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to... » Penny, posted by fallsfall on October 2, 2003, at 16:23:02
> We have Edy's here. I'll look for pumpkin ice cream.
>
> 15 years ago I used to go to a farm, say hello to the cows and get my milk in glass bottles. I was the only one in my family who didn't want it homogonized, so I didn't get the milk with the cream on the top. Their chocolate milk was THE BEST. My daughter's favorite cow was Cow #22. We don't live near there any more - so sad.MVF does farm tours, though I've never taken one, and all of their milk is homogenized - you can buy it in the local grocery stores as well, and then take the bottles back for a deposit. Their chocolate milk is SOOOOO good. Very creamy.
> It is only 12 1/2 hours for me to drive to your farm. I'll let you know when I'm coming!Cool! See you when you get here ;)
> So, if you have a lot of stuff you have to look at consumables (my mother wants nothing but consumables) - food, candles, crafts that you can make and then give away, theatre tickets, health and beauty aids (bubble bath), hire someone to clean your apartment once so you don't have to, etc. Anything that eventually (or quickly) goes away, but gives you pleasure in the meantime. Aromatherapy, a ride in a hot air balloon.Most of my stuff falls under that category - I just can't seem to use it all! I love crafts - have boxes of craft supplies, I have a bag full of nail polish and manicure stuff, have soooo much bath lotion, gels, bubblebath, etc. I could open my own store!
I made the mistake last night of going into a craft store, just to look, I told myself, but came out with several Christmas ornaments to begin painting for this year. I have a tradition of giving hand-painted Christmas ornaments to my therapist and pdoc. I like to give them something, just because.
Just what I need - more craft supplies!!! ha!!!
> Obviously, I'm procrastinating working on what I'm supposed to be working on.
>
> SmileYep - it's Friday morning now and I'm totally procrastinating. I wish the day was over so it would be the weekend. I need to sleep. zzzzzzzzzzz
Take care.
P
Posted by Dinah on October 3, 2003, at 21:10:44
In reply to Re: It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to... » Penny, posted by fallsfall on October 2, 2003, at 16:23:02
Yummm. Grandma had the mild straight from the cow. She'd put it in the freezer and you'd drink it with chunks of ice still in it. It looked like half and half there was so much cream sitting on top. And it was so sweet. Yuuuuummmmmmmm. And my family doesn't understand why I can't drink that stuff they call milk at the store.
This is the end of the thread.
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