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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Penny on August 21, 2003, at 9:10:40
Okay - so my roommate is making me nervous again. I don't understand it. She comes home and there's this strange tension - so, I did what I said I would do last time this happened - I asked her what was wrong. According to her, last time it was a miscommunication - my not communicating with her - and she said she didn't know what to expect as far as my mood is concerned when she gets home in the evening. My mood has been much improved lately, but I feel like she's hiding something.
The other night she left me a message saying she was 'going out to have a drink', but she didn't say with who. She usually tells me who she's going out with. Not that I really care who she goes out with, but I felt like she was being all secretive. Then last night she was IMing on her computer and when I came in her room, she minimized the window really quick, which I imagine means she didn't want me to see what she was writing. She's never done that before. Leads me to believe she was writing about me.
When I asked her what was wrong later last night, she said something about the cat and then started talking about some woman being fired at work (she was happy about that as the woman apparently deserved it). Later she went out with a friend for ice cream and when the girl came over to get her, as she does when any of her other friends are around, she acted all weird around me. It's like she ignores me for the most part when one of her other friends is around.
I just don't get it. I'm probably reading too much into things again, as is my habit. Trying to not worry...
DON'T WORRY DON'T WORRY DON'T WORRY!!!
Yeah, right.
P
Posted by Susan J on August 21, 2003, at 10:40:50
In reply to Roommate acting weird again..., posted by Penny on August 21, 2003, at 9:10:40
> Okay - so my roommate is making me nervous again.
<<Hi, I'm new to these boards, so if I've missed what's going on with your roommate, and I offer nothing helpful, I apologize.>>I don't understand it. She comes home and there's this strange tension - so, I did what I said I would do last time this happened - I asked her what was wrong. According to her, last time it was a miscommunication - my not communicating with her - and she said she didn't know what to expect as far as my mood is concerned when she gets home in the evening.
<<Was she your friend before you moved in together? If not, were you hoping for more than a roommate relationship, someone to hang out with? Do you want to be friends with her?Also, if your mood has improved recently, good for you! That's great! I don't know your background, but if you've recently improved, she might need a little time to adjust. ?
Did you recently move in together? Maybe you have different expectations of how to relate to one another.
>>Then last night she was IMing on her computer and when I came in her room, she minimized the window really quick, which I imagine means she didn't want me to see what she was writing. She's never done that before. Leads me to believe she was writing about me.
<<Not necessarily. Is she a private person by nature? Maybe you feel more naturally open than she does and you are more used to sharing things than she is. I know that my suitemate at work is much more open than me, and "expects" me to dish all about my personal life to her. Her openess is overwhelming to me, the introvert, and it makes me go hide, shut down. Perhaps your roommate is feeling uncomfortable sharing so much of her personal life with you...I dunno, but if it's merely a personality difference, please don't take it personally....Heck, maybe she was having cyber sex with someone and was embarassed....
> I just don't get it. I'm probably reading too much into things again, as is my habit. Trying to not worry...
<<Don't worry. :-) Sounds like you are communicating very well with her, and she might not necessarily be communicating well with you. If you can, give her a bit of space and perhaps things will improve.Good luck,
Susan
Posted by Penny on August 21, 2003, at 12:29:29
In reply to Re: Roommate acting weird again... » Penny, posted by Susan J on August 21, 2003, at 10:40:50
> Was she your friend before you moved in together? If not, were you hoping for more than a roommate relationship, someone to hang out with? Do you want to be friends with her?We've been friends for nine years, since freshman year of college. We say we're best friends.
>
> Also, if your mood has improved recently, good for you! That's great! I don't know your background, but if you've recently improved, she might need a little time to adjust. ?Well, considering how frustrated she was with me being in the hospital lately and her comment to me that 'she doesn't know what to expect when she gets home' as far as my mood is concerned, I would think she would feel better now that I'm feeling better. I'm not weighing on her as much as I apparently was.
>
> Did you recently move in together? Maybe you have different expectations of how to relate to one another.We've been living together for a year now, since I moved from Charlotte back to Chapel Hill (went to college here).
> <<Not necessarily. Is she a private person by nature? Maybe you feel more naturally open than she does and you are more used to sharing things than she is. I know that my suitemate at work is much more open than me, and "expects" me to dish all about my personal life to her. Her openess is overwhelming to me, the introvert, and it makes me go hide, shut down. Perhaps your roommate is feeling uncomfortable sharing so much of her personal life with you...I dunno, but if it's merely a personality difference, please don't take it personally....Actually, she's usually pretty open with me. Which is why it was strange when she minimized the window, as though I would see something she didn't want me to see. Not as though I would have been looking anyway. I just thought it was strange.
> Heck, maybe she was having cyber sex with someone and was embarassed....
>
> > I just don't get it. I'm probably reading too much into things again, as is my habit. Trying to not worry...
> <<Don't worry. :-) Sounds like you are communicating very well with her, and she might not necessarily be communicating well with you. If you can, give her a bit of space and perhaps things will improve.I guess I'm just tired of tiptoeing around her, which she says she does around me. So, I asked her last night and again today what was wrong, and she says nothing's wrong, and says she's just tired, but then she's still short with me.
Well, regardless, we're going our separate ways housing-wise come December, when our lease is up. Because this is weighing too much on our friendship.
>
> Good luck,
>
> SusanThanks!
P
Posted by fallsfall on August 21, 2003, at 12:49:06
In reply to Re: Roommate acting weird again..., posted by Penny on August 21, 2003, at 12:29:29
Hi Penny,
I'm sorry you two are having problems. It really does sound like you are trying hard to communicate, and I think that's the most important thing. Moving (as hard as that is) in December will probably ease things, and then you can be friends again.
Here's a (silly) suggestion so that she'll know what to expect when she walks in the door. You could post a number (1 - 10) in a window that she can see from outside indicating how you are feeling. Or make a set of smiley/frowny faces to put on the door that shows how you are. This shouldn't be necessary, but it might make her happy.
Keep talking.
Posted by Susan J on August 21, 2003, at 13:16:08
In reply to Roommate acting weird again..., posted by Penny on August 21, 2003, at 9:10:40
Fallsfall's suggestion about the numbers/smiley faces is very cool! Lighten up a situation that seems heavy right now, and still be very practical.
I'm sorry it's been so rough for you. I moved in with my best friend in college -- and it destroyed our friendship. Granted, both of us were very immature and couldn't/didn't communicate very well. I think it's probably just as hard to move in with a friend as it is with a lover. The whole dynamic changes.
I think you are doing a great job communicating with her. Hang in there. Perhaps tell her you really value your friendship with her, and realize living together might be putting a strain on it, or at the least, changing it. ? Just a thought.
Posted by Penny on August 21, 2003, at 15:08:49
In reply to Re: Roommate acting weird again..., posted by Susan J on August 21, 2003, at 13:16:08
Yeah, we've already talked out the strain on our friendship, which is why we've decided to move out into our own places come December. Until then, we're trying to peacefully cohabitate. I'm really trying to not read too much into her moods, as she seems very moody to me (but I suppose I am too). Anyway, I sent her a good luck Yahoo e-greeting today b/c she has an interview tomorrow and she seems much more light hearted now.
Thanks!
Posted by Eddie Sylvano on August 21, 2003, at 15:46:05
In reply to Roommate acting weird again..., posted by Penny on August 21, 2003, at 9:10:40
She's your roommate, not your sister, friend, or lover. Unless her rent contribution is irreplaceable, there's no compelling reason to win her over. Do you thnk that you'll still know her in two years? I'd keep interaction with her simple and polite. Match her level of intimacy. Be a good roommate and let her tell the world whatever she wants.
Posted by Penny on August 22, 2003, at 8:41:21
In reply to Re: Roommate acting weird again..., posted by Eddie Sylvano on August 21, 2003, at 15:46:05
Actually, she is my friend. We've been friends for 9 years, since freshman year of college. So I'm hoping our moving into separate domains in December will salvage that friendship. I don't want to lose her, but it's pretty obvious that it's not working out with us living together.
That said, last night was much better. She was in a brighter mood and we chatted about her job interview today and so on. Felt better after that.
Thanks, though.
P
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