![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 56. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dr. Bob on July 24, 2003, at 19:19:57
In reply to Are we all Pleasers w/men who are Controllers?, posted by Yankeegirl on July 21, 2003, at 11:05:37
> I've been on Effexor for about 4 weeks, but haven't had any counseling from the physchiatrist yet, and I go over the phych testing tomorrow, so I haven't had a chance to talk about my issues yet. When my child graduated high school in 2000 I thought "now I'll have more time to..." and I could not remember for the life of me what it was I used to like to do. Last month my baby graduated and I think my reaction was "I spent 24 years raising them, did a great job in spite of how stressful and overwhelming it was, and now can collapse. One afternoon, I was distraught and agonizing and crying over the thought of having to make dinner. When I added that to the realization that I had no identity anymore, that I had gradually given up pieces of myself to make my husband happy, who critized everything I ever did, that is when I realized I needed help. I've been reading a book by Dr. Kevin Leman called "The Pleasers - Women Who Can't Say No - And the Men Who Control Them (sorry Dr. Bob I don't know how to do that highlighting thing). This post is long enough without going into more details. I'm wondering ---- how many of you see yourselves in this same situation with a controlling man????? Yankeegirl
Posted by whiterabbit on July 24, 2003, at 20:53:59
In reply to Pleasers w/men who are Controllers « Yankeegirl, posted by Dr. Bob on July 24, 2003, at 19:19:57
Girl-
I don't have the "controlling man" thing, I have the "no man" thing. But I can still relate to what you're saying, for sure. I have only one child and it was extremely hard for me to let go of him, he had been the center of my world since the day he was born and suddenly it seemed like he didn't need me anymore. I grieved for a long time...I think that's when the spiral into serious depression started in earnest.Then, when I was finally able to accept that my son was grown, I still wasn't happy but at least I had my husband. Now THAT jerk is dumping me so I really am on my own now...so, it's time to find out who I am again, not the wife or the mother but just me.
Thankfully I know that I can take care of myself, I've always worked and been somewhat independent and done my own thing, trying to be an artist...I stopped painting when I was so depressed and I'm trying to pick it up again.
You just have to find out who you are again, establish an identity...me too.
-Gracie
Posted by Susy on July 24, 2003, at 22:26:55
In reply to Re: Pleasers w/men who are Controllers, posted by whiterabbit on July 24, 2003, at 20:53:59
Ok, so here is the Psycho-Social-Babble, where is my cup of coffee? Where are my friends?
Just kidding, I just wanted to write a post so I can come back later to read your posts.Susy
Posted by mercedes on July 25, 2003, at 2:19:21
In reply to Re: Pleasers w/men who are Controllers, posted by Susy on July 24, 2003, at 22:26:55
Susy, you are so funny. I haven't stopped laughing. I will probably laugh in my sleep tonight. Oh yea, I'm on Effexor so I better go to the effexor site. See you there....
I'm otta here!
mercedes
> Ok, so here is the Psycho-Social-Babble, where is my cup of coffee? Where are my friends?
> Just kidding, I just wanted to write a post so I can come back later to read your posts.
>
> Susy
Posted by Yankeegirl on July 25, 2003, at 11:28:36
In reply to Re: Pleasers w/men who are Controllers » Susy, posted by mercedes on July 25, 2003, at 2:19:21
> Susy, you are so funny. I haven't stopped laughing. I will probably laugh in my sleep tonight. Oh yea, I'm on Effexor so I better go to the effexor site. See you there....
> I'm otta here!
> mercedes
>
>
> > Ok, so here is the Psycho-Social-Babble, where is my cup of coffee? Where are my friends?
> > Just kidding, I just wanted to write a post so I can come back later to read your posts.
> >
> > Susy
>
>
Oh My gosh, this is getting so funny and bizarre! Susy, what a riot you are! "Where are my friends? And where do I go and what am I allowed to discuss when I get there? LOL big time. Mercedes - you made my day - i'm otta
here too! Yankeegirl
Posted by Dr. Bob on July 25, 2003, at 20:02:13
In reply to Pleasers w/men who are Controllers « Yankeegirl, posted by Dr. Bob on July 24, 2003, at 19:19:57
Re: Resurect'g Pleasers w/men who are Cont?YG KDI » mercedes
Posted by Daphnis on July 24, 2003, at 22:10:52
In reply to http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030723/msgs/244971.html
Like I said, I got divorced in '93 but he is still trying hard to control me. took me to court three times this year. and is ignoring the judgements against himself! :) I'm in another relationship, most of the time long-distance, which has its advantages and disadvantages. But one thing is, it gives time and space for reflection on keeping a self. I think it is much harder for women. we are socialized to be "nice" and give in. To co-operate and do for others. All good values, but if overdone (and we are taught to overdo) they are deadly, and lead to loss of self and identity and self-worth and to depression.
--Re: Effexor Your post to me » Yankeegirl
Posted by mercedes on July 25, 2003, at 3:48:55
In reply to http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030723/msgs/245038.html
YankeeGirl, wish I would have been able to read it. That s**ks big time. I just sent a note to Dr Bob, and I'm staying right here. Thanks for staying too. Hope you can find it in you to retype it again. I think it will help me with my "psycological issues". : )
Mercedes
> Hey Mercedes, I just left a really long post about verbal abuse, but Dr. Bob did not post it because it is not about effexor. Harrumph........
Yankeegirl--
Re: Redirect: Resurect'g Pleasers w/men who are Cont » Yankeegirl
Posted by mercedes on July 25, 2003, at 11:35:11
In reply to Re: Redirect: Resurect'g Pleasers w/men who are Cont, posted by Yankeegirl on July 24, 2003, at 22:29:14
I agree with both of you. Now everything is messed up. I poored my heart & soul into my post regarding Pleaser w/men who are Controller's and now nobody is going to respond to it or share their feelings on the subject.
Mercedes
******************************
> > Oh, woops! but how does one sort that out, really? I mean, I am thinking about whether or not to pursue the Effexor thing, and exploring all this new stuff, and people who have experience. and I don't WANT to go off somewhere else...The medication issue is behind it all. (Sorry to be contrary.
>
> Daphnis, I agree with you. And Dr. Bob, other posters are talking about their issues. Why was my post deleted? Do you want ALL of us to go to the other site to talk about the reasons we are taking Effexor??? Yankeegirl--
Re: YG, Cher, Susy, Z and all-It's my fault, I res » CherC68
Posted by mercedes on July 25, 2003, at 13:11:11
In reply to Re: To read Y's post here - Dr. Bob » Yankeegirl, posted by CherC68 on July 25, 2003, at 7:36:42
Cher, again you are not alone. When I read the re-direct, my anxiety rose to a very high level. I, mercedes, me, resurected the subject, and when I read the redirect, my heart fell to the pit of my stomach, my stomach turned, I felt so guilty because I took the redirect personally. I felt like I was being attacked once again, just like I've been attacked before. I'm very sensitive to rejection and the "redirect" post hit me like a destruction ball. A very big ball like those that destroy buildings. Well, I guess I hit it right on the nose, I FELT DESTROYED, once again by those simple petty words, "redirect your" whatever Bob said. I stared at it for a long time, thinking to myself....I did something wrong AGAIN and now everybody will have to dispurse. My guilt feelings took over. It was not YankeeG who started it, it was me. I resurrected it. (By the way, YG was talking about a message she'd just written yesterday 07/24 in response to my post of 07/24, not the one posted on the other site dated 07/21.) I feel for sure that I will have another attack soon, cause things like this really get to me and my body/brain will react like 2 days later. I'll ZAP out. Those were my thoughts as I stared at the message that I translated to be, "Get out of here, we don't want you here". Rejection? YES. I'm truly affected by this. And worst of all, I poored my heart and soul out in my post and now no one will feel comfortable responding to it. I'm a failure, AGAIN.
It took a tremendous effort for me to rehash the abuse I suffered long time ago, but as I wrote about it, I felt that going back to the root of the problem is psycologically healing. I feel that alot of babbler's on this site had finally gotten the courage to explore there most hidden secrets and fears, including me, and we were finally begining to feel like somebody really cared and could relate. Now everything is messed up, and I caused it. Like I said before Cher, you are my inspiration because we've been through the torture of being raped among other things. I can relate to you beating up men. I too have had altercations with men, not as a kid, but as an adult. Twice men have said the word bi*ch around me (in anger of course) and I attack like a raging bull. I had the cops called on me once by the wimp that I never even got to hit. I think that hearing the word when a guy is belittling one of my freind by calling them a b**ch trigger's something in my subconcious and I lose it. I also wanted to pusue KDI's rage. She mentioned in one of her post, that she wished she could control or get rid of her rage (I'm pretty sure it was you KDI but if I'm wrong, pls excuse me). I recently talked to my pdoc about my fellings of rage, and I actually made my 22 yr old son move to his brother's because, like I told my pdoc, I felt that I was going to hurt him. I wonder if this is effexor related or if my son was just convienently here and a target for me. God knows, my son did alot of things to me, stealing, breaking into my house, cursing at me, belittld me verbally, stealing my car and so much more. Oh, he even hit me a couple of times but I cld the cops on him. When I moved here last Sept., I didn't even tell my sons I was moving. The cops located me when my son was shot and he was near death. Thankfully he survived but had intestinal & spinal injury and I brought him to my new house so I could take care of him. yep the co-depandant part of me took over, but what's a mother to do when I love him so much in spite of all that he has done to me. I took care of him for five months, both physically and financially. Yet the stronger he got, the stonger his mouth became. He was back to the verbally abusive son. That's when I told my pdoc that I was afraid of the feelings I was having...that I was going to really hurt him. Am I sick? Yes. Do I have issues? Yes. Am I psyco? Yes.
And you, all my psycoBabbler supportive friends were starting to get me to realize that I was not alone and WHAM....pls redirect. Rejection! again. So please, don't anyone feel like you had anything to do with this except for DB. Is it just a coincidence that the topic I was resurrecting was about "controlling men" and here, DB interjects, and tells us what to do, where to go, etc.
Luv you all and hugs to all of you. I say, keep on babbling cause this is a place like I've never seen before and have not had this type of support in a while. Thankfully I found it by looking up information on "Effexor". Oh, yes I did go to therapy for about 4 or 5 years but none in the past couple years. So I really need you guys.
Well, that's my $1.00 worth!
((((hugs)))
mercedes
> Please cut & paste the following to get Yankeegirl's original post.
>
> http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030719/msgs/244989.html
>
>
> OH MY GOSH. I'm surprised all my posts are not deleted and Yankee - that's what I mean by being strong.
>
> If a man got in my face about something - I'd probably kick his butt - but something as minor as what Dr. Bob did by asking for us to move that discussion to another site actually gave me tears in my eyes because I was embarrassed.
>
> 1. for you because I didn't want your feelings hurt; and
> 2. because I always post myself babbling here in the effexor site about nothing & everything and now I'm really just embarrassed.
>
> I hope none of us have to leave here - but...dang I guess I'm too sensitive cause now I'm like - alrighty dumb a** see now everything is going to be messed up and you shouldn't have talked about anything but effexor and now others are getting in trouble etc. That's how I feel. I'm a friggin' adult and that's how I feel - upset by a comment by Dr. Bob - our host - and now my world is upside down.
>
> See I'm nuts.
>
> Love,
> Cher
>
>
>--
Re: YG, Cher, Susy, Z and all-It's my fault, I res » mercedes
Posted by zinya on July 25, 2003, at 14:14:17
In reply to Re: YG, Cher, Susy, Z and all-It's my fault, I res » CherC68, posted by mercedes on July 25, 2003, at 13:11:11
oh dear dear dear Mercedes...
You are our pathfinder, the one shining light on the road ahead, given your history on Effexor, given your recent breakthroughs in new courage, given your immense heart that just shines through every post and a gentle blend of maternalness and friend and fellow struggler ...
NOTHING is your fault here. Nada. Zilch. And nobody's going anywhere, okay? I say let's treat it as a suggestion which simply doesn't work at this point in time because it came out of the blue and out of context and unaware of the magic that we have co-created here which deserves to keep going. It is a lifeline for so many of us and it seems the need for this outlet here and now has resonated and the group has grown overnight ... talking of Effexor and also all that led us to Effexor... It was purely random that your post triggered this - heaven knows i've posted plenty of such posts about and encouraging others to share more about these background aspects of our depressions and anxieties and why we are here and what we've each struggled to learn ...
I do understand that if it had been a post of mine I would have reacted exactly the same, feeling shamed on the spot - that 'toxic shame' i was just talking about the other day. And by extension, i did even last night but perhaps because it was in response specifically to your post, i just felt anger -- the injustice of it and insensitivity just made me want to do what you describe as your reaction similar to Cher's, except that i'm a wimp physically and i just use my words instead... by e-mail too, you'll note. Please, dear mercedes, breathe very very deeply, zen breathing, in your belly, and exhale all that toxic stuff that just got inhaled in the last 12 hours here, and know that you are at NO 'fault' whatsoever. You are, in my eyes, our 'earth mother' of sorts :) ... [if that's an okay image with you :)
And goodness, these new factors you have related here.. Please see that you were doing something good and just and right for you and your son in asking him to leave. Drawing boundary lines and saying you cannot co-exist with verbal abuse, etc. is absolutely vital for you -- and it is for him as well. You did the *right* thing in saying "No" to such conduct. But my gosh, my heart goes out to you, it must have been wrenching. Of course, you reached out to him in his hour of need, but the moment he turned that around was indeed the moment for drawing your line in the sand. He must learn that he cannot deal with you or anyone else that way. Someday he will realize, but he's an adult now and must do that growing on his own, you can't do it for him.
My heart just goes out to you... I feel your angst and despair. I want so much to reach out and embrace you.
sending love and fond hugs,
zinya--
Re: mushing on, to YG KDI et al. and » mercedes
Posted by zinya on July 25, 2003, at 15:46:30
In reply to http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030723/msgs/244971.html
Well, mercedes, it's me now who is going to do some resurrecting and finally responding to your earlier sharings..
So, to mercedes, Kim, Yankee, Cher, Susy, willie et al et al...
First let me say i'm on my 3rd day at 150 mg and i'm amazed at how little a reaction i've had to such a leap from 100 mg... Maybe taking it so slowly with already 2 months "under my belt" before going to 150 was a factor, but who knows? .... If i weren't still recovering from my back, i'd have a better idea cuz i think it's my back, not the Effexor which is making me wake up so early on just 5 hours sleep or less..
now, as to mercedes' post that got derailed, i doubt i could relate any more strongly than i do, dear mercedes... At moments, i felt like you were describing my marital life too... As a further idea, let me tell you, when i saw Sleeping with the Enemy -- only when it came on TV -- i shuddered at the parallels, except for the ending. I inadvertently married a complete and total perfectionist ... Now i'm a perfectionist too, in my work, but i NEVER impose my standards or perfectionism on others, spouse included. Not so for him. In retrospect there were 2 clues before we married, but i didn't see them, and the very night of our honeymoon, the mandating began, and his imposition of critieria for how i should always look and dress and how skinny i should be, the whole 9 yards (which to him, was too much - better not be more than 2 yards) :)) It was a six-year nightmare before i finally woke up to just what i'd been spending my every energy adapting to, predicting what he would fly off the handle about that day and trying to 'foolproof' things but never able to foresee exactly what he explode over and berate me, ridicule me, mostly all verbal, but twice physical... It feels like i might have talked about this here previously so i won't elaborate more if this is redundant... But indeed, i became the codependent pleaser to his daily controls, and I too had "married for life" feeling i had to make it work, tried to get him for years to go to marriage counseling, which he refused (When i married him, he was a medical student - in fact, i put him through med school - and he refused to "let any fellow doctor know about *his* life!") and when he found out how much it was costing for my own visits (and i let him manage the finances i was earning out of an effort not to 'emasculate' him), he insisted it was too much -- and i hadn't stumbled on someone i was getting much from yet anyway (3 visits) so i quit ... the marriage muddled on for 3-4 more years after that, with all kinds of verbal and some physical violence... The worst year was year #4 of our marriage when he started daily threatening me that he was going to have an affair with a nurse at his hospital if i didn't lose weight or do x or y... His "role model" FOR ME was Cher! !!? plus some Crazy Horse Saloon girls he saw in Oui magazine !?!!? it got ridiculous -- but of course i felt like it was my fault and i was a failure as a woman, etc... I kept thinking when he finally got some goal of his (like a boat) that maybe he'd start to relax and not be so driven, but by year 6, i realized that was never going to happen...
Because he was always griping that he was going to die by 40 cuz of his cholesterol levels, i think that made me start having dreams in year 6 that i was a widow ... When one day i realized i was having those recurrent dreams -- and feeling "relieved" in the dreams -- i realized that divorce was not worse than that, and after reflecting on it for a few more days, i just up and bolted, cold turkey. He then begged and threatened suicide if i left, but it was too late. I didn't even like him any more, much less love. We did go to therapy then, at his insistence, i agreed to oblige that... well, i won't go into any more detail, but within weeks i realized it was time to file for divorce, and i made the divorce (as my own 'lawyer' using a guidebook! ;) final on my 29th birthday as my gift to myself... and it was indeed one of the best things i ever did.
What was unfortunate was that i had stayed in it as long as i had, cuz 6 years of adapting to his rages and perverse perfectionisms had really internalized some bad self-talk inside me that took years to start purging, and i'm sure there are still some echoes all these years later...
Gosh, mercedes, i imagine those darkest days of yours when suicide seemed your only out in the marriage, and i'm so glad - for you and for us - that some "still small voice" in you knew that life was more than your husband, that you could find your own path...
I read your hair-pulling traumas and, my gosh, i related even to that, although it wasn't as brutal as yours sounded. If we were starting to leave the apt to go out, my husband would look at my hair and sometimes lead me back into the bathroom to recomb it cuz he didn't like the way it looked (you see what i mean about Sleeping with the Enemy? there was tons of stuff like that. He'd insist on having his favorite ice cream sandwiches in the freezer even when i was trying to diet and asked to forego them in the house for a while, but he'd refuse and instead he'd come home from all night in the hosptial on call and go to the freezer and COUNT the number of ice cream sandwiches still in the freezer to make sure i hadn't eaten one! What they made me do some nights he was gone all night was if i got hungry and ate one, i figured What the hell, i might as well eat the whole box and go out and buy another one to replace it so he won't know!!! how's THAT for dysfunctional!!)
When it got physical in my case, it was the awful sounding throwing of you, but instead he would start to strangle me - it happened twice - once cuz he couldn't find his socks (cuz he was too rattled being late for work to see straight) and the other was cuz we were sailing and the wind died and he was such a perfectionist he also railed at the sky when there was no wind) -- and then took it out on me... If he lost his keys, it was always my fault, etc. etc...
He too would apologize and say he loved me and then the next day it was back to berating. I too left once in that dreadful 4th year, and stayed with my folks for a week cuz i had spring vacation from work, on a pretext so my folks wouldn't suspect what was up... He begged me back and i went, but it was no good...for all the reasons you stated were true in your case too...
In my case, i too had a mom who was very deferential to my dad -- although i only learned later how she too had put her foot down once when i was 3 (an ultimatum to him to quit drinking, and he did it) for which i admire my mom so much but which i didn't realize in her at all growing up - i saw her more as a 'doormat' or 'mea culpa' housewife who did whatever dad wanted. Dad was at least not mean, but there was that underlying awareness of walking on a bit of eggshells which i inherited from mom cuz we knew that dad *could* explode, even though he really never did or almost. But he was very set in his ways. And lo and behold i unwittingly married someone with dad's worst qualities but without his best that had tempered him and that made him truly appreciate my mom and honor her even as he called the shots and she obliged.
dear, dear mercedes... the bottom line is i just want you to know and hopefully feel my empathy for all that you've been through and some of the basis for thinking i can relate to some big chunks of it. I too think it all started in childhood, but i think it's also true that we always keep having 'forks in the road' and when we chose to marry the husbands we did, that was another fork in the road, and we didn't yet have quite the antenna we needed to realize the instinct in us buried somewhere that was trying to turn on a lightbulb...
The way i see it, in part, we wound up having to do a lot of UNdoing before we could even start constructing a self for ourselves, the hard work of seeing how much we have reacted instead of acted, been too much a product of others' expectations ...
but we're on that path... and looking toward the light, with the darkness at our backs (at least more often than not)...
and here in this site we've been guided to is this great convergence of light... thanks for being such a great 'electrician' for lighting this corner ...
love and hugs,
zinya
Posted by Dr. Bob on July 25, 2003, at 20:22:22
In reply to Pleasers w/men who are Controllers « Yankeegirl, posted by Dr. Bob on July 24, 2003, at 19:19:57
[Posted by Yankeegirl on July 24, 2003, at 21:21:48]
> Hi Mercedes,
>
> Wow, that was a great post, especially the paragraph about why he REALLY wanted you back. I've been wondering recently if men ever really want a 'relationship' with their wife. Or do they really get married just to get sex, food and a maid. All the romance is just to get you, and once they got you, you are stuck and they have it made in the shade. We read all this c**p about 'love' and 'relationships' in Cosmo magazine, but you know what? The men don't read that stuff! It's fiction! In my case, my husband was very subtly verbally abusive. He never wanted to do anything or go anywhere and the husbands of my friends were always 'jerks'. But when I would find my own things or hobbies to do, he'd have some snide putdown about them. If I ever told him he hurt my feelings, he would always say "What's the matter, can't you take a joke, I was just kidding, you have no sense of humor". He would always twist it around and make it be my fault whatever he said or did. I was too interested in pleasing him all those years to know it was actually verbal abuse. Even up til a month ago. Till then I would think "every once in a while he says mean things to me". Two years ago he started working out of another state, and I found that I enjoyed being home by myself, was really started to become comfortable with me, then he would come back home and I would hate that he was home. I told him when he comes home I find myself crawling down inside myself just waiting for that nasty comment, cause I know it's coming, I just don't know when. Even when I told him that, I wouldn't have called it verbal abuse. But then a newspaper article gave the signs of verbal abuse, and I couldn't believe it was him!!!! Well, no wonder it made me feel so bad all those years. I was so desperate for him (and people in general) to be nice to me, that I gradually gave up all the things I liked, because he didn't like them and "well, if I do what he wants, maybe then he'll be nice to me". This was all very subconscious though. I just became aware of this in May and that is when I sought out a psychiatrist.
>
> And one last bone to pick with 'conventional wisdom' about how women keep choosing men who will abuse them. I CANT DISAGREE MORE! At least in my case, I was so desperate for and grateful to have a boyfriend (Low self esteem? NO self esteem!!), I just romanticised how he was in love with me and he wanted to move the wedding sooner, so wow, he REALLY loves me, SO HE WANTS TO BE NICE TO ME! Now I just think he wanted to get laid. I thought I was picking a man who was the EXACT OPPOSITE of my male relatives who picked on me. But actually, he was a Controller who saw a doormat in me and HE picked ME cause he knew he could control ME!!!!!!
>
> Sorry to run on so long, but I am glad to see some posts that are more about the reasons why we take Effexor in the first place.
>
> Can anyone else relate? Thanks. Yankeegirl
Posted by Dr. Bob on July 25, 2003, at 20:44:54
In reply to Redirected: Pleasers w/men who are Controllers, posted by Dr. Bob on July 25, 2003, at 20:02:13
> Is it just a coincidence that the topic I was resurrecting was about "controlling men" and here, DB interjects, and tells us what to do, where to go, etc.
What would be the alternatives? I can sure see how that might have made it a particularly unwelcome redirect, sorry about that.
Bob
Posted by Dinah on July 25, 2003, at 21:18:14
In reply to Re: More on Pleasers and Controllers « Yankeegirl, posted by Dr. Bob on July 25, 2003, at 20:22:22
However you happen to be here. It's always nice to meet new people.
Posted by Dinah on July 25, 2003, at 21:19:02
In reply to Re: controlling men, posted by Dr. Bob on July 25, 2003, at 20:44:54
Posted by CherC68 on July 25, 2003, at 21:21:56
In reply to Re: Pleasers w/men who are Controllers, posted by Yankeegirl on July 25, 2003, at 11:28:36
Hi Susy - It's bedtime and I thank you so much for the biggest laugh I've had all day, heck all week.
It is almost 9:30 p.m. and I can't stop reading, but not wanting to type too much tonight.
There's my Yankee & Mercedes too - <hugs> and hi there all the other posters that I haven't met yet.
Gosh we need Nyia, Zinya, Theo and KDi and Willie, but Willies on Vacation, and.... okay you guys got the picture.
Love you guys,
and for real I'm going to bed this time.
Cher
Posted by CherC68 on July 25, 2003, at 21:35:35
In reply to Re: Pleasers w/men who are Controllers » Yankeegirl, posted by CherC68 on July 25, 2003, at 21:21:56
After Reading the posts, it's just not the same, maybe tomorrow this section will be more inviting, but right now, just trying to get used to coming to this section is kinda - okay - it's not kinda it's very hard.
Now, I have to switch back and forth trying to read everything so I can figure out where to put the relevant information or questions or whatever - dang, I should not inhaled so much peroxide today.
Sorry
=(
Cher
Posted by yankeegirl on July 25, 2003, at 21:37:52
In reply to Re: Welcome to Psycho-Social Babble!, posted by Dinah on July 25, 2003, at 21:18:14
> However you happen to be here. It's always nice to meet new people.
Hi Dinah! I'm here because you told me my 2 missing posts went here! Thank you, I had no idea. I'm not too literate computer=wise, all I knew to do was search on effexor, I clicked on "anyone...." and just stayed there, not even realizing there was a whole psycho... site.
My last post at Effexor was if everyone wants to switch to over here, and I see Cher is already here and I am, so maybe it's not a big deal after all to come here. We'll see.
Cher, I'm sorry, I see from the posts sent to THIS site that it was Mercedes who was really upset. I'll have to go back to Effexor to contact her I guess. Are you going to switch to over here? Yankeegirl
Posted by yankeegirl on July 25, 2003, at 22:30:15
In reply to Re: Welcome to Psycho-Social Babble!, posted by yankeegirl on July 25, 2003, at 21:37:52
Hi Dinah,
Mercedes just made a great point - we feel like the Columbia - our group all broken up into different pieces in different places.
Please answer this question...
We see that our "issues" posts are automatically being redirected to p=social. Posters are saying that if we all move over to p-social and happen to mention Effexor or other meds, then THOSE posts will automatically be redirected back to the EFFEXOR Site! Huh?
Please advise us where we can all go together and discuss medications, issues and disorders and have all the posts in one place!
Thanks, Yankeegirl
Posted by Dinah on July 25, 2003, at 22:50:33
In reply to Dinah, please advise...., posted by yankeegirl on July 25, 2003, at 22:30:15
I have no direct knowledge of the inner workings of Dr. Bob's redirect system. However, I'll give it my best shot. :)
I think Social gets a bit more latitude than the other boards. So if we mention our therapists here we don't seem to get a redirect to Psychological Babble. And if we mention that our meds are driving us nuts, we don't seem to get a redirect to Psycho-babble (medication board).
Now if you were to ask dosing questions, or specific medication inquiries, that might warrant a redirect to the medication board. But I would guess that this (Social) is your best bet.
And I hope you decide to join some of our other threads as well.
Posted by NThompson on July 25, 2003, at 23:29:07
In reply to Pleasers w/men who are Controllers « Yankeegirl, posted by Dr. Bob on July 24, 2003, at 19:19:57
Hi all... Wow, I leave for a whole 3 days and all hell breaks loose! So I see we all have a new SPOT to chat at. I can't leave you ladies alone for one minute can I. :) Hee-Hee.
Anyway, I hope you are all doing well, I went to a friends house in Newman, CA. It's about 2 hours from my house. I had fun and we painted her kitchen this beautiful red color. And I spent all Tuesday night in the Merced Hospital ER with my 2 year old son. He fell off of the slide and broke both of his bones in his wrist! He's in a cast. Needless to say the first 2 days sucked for him and now he is back to full throttle again! I am back now and was having withdrawls of getting back to hear from you all.
I was reading about this CONTROLLING MAN thing and well, when I was younger I dated a guy who verbally and physically abused me. I have been drugged, raped, beaten and have had knives up to my throat and Russian Roulette played on me. He was also very verbally abusive with the threats and how no one will ever love me but him and the putdowns and the disrespect that he gave me. I finally got rid of him after 2 years of his c**p! The problem really came after he was gone though. He was my first real boyfriend. I had no clue what a girlfriend or dating was like. I didn't know that you could tell a guy that you didn't want to sleep with him without getting hit by him. So I either stayed away or ended up in a place I didn't know how to get out of. I wasn't raped after him. But I didn't say "YES" to some of the guys I dated, But I didn't say "NO" either. I didn't know how. I was afraid to get hit again. So I tried to not let anything start, like kissing. That didn't always happen.
As far as the man I married. He is so not the romantic type, but he sure tries. His pick up line to me was, "Baby you look better than a new set of studded snow tires!" Our first date we went four wheeling in his truck. When we got to the top of Mix Canyon, we looked out over the cities below us and he turned the radio on and we danced to slow country music. It was the best date ever! How weird is this, Rhett Akins is a Country singer who has a song on his "A Thousand Memories" CD with a song on it, the first track called, "Heart to Heart" that song PERFECTLY describes my husbands and my first date to a T!
Anyway, he isn't romantic, but definately not controlling or abusive in any way. He is on the otherhand a very old fashion kind of guy. He open doors and pulls out the seat and makes sure that I am okay. He once got into an arguement with a guy who kept elbowing me at the bar and told the guy that if he didn't stop elbowing me he would kick the guys butt. I felt safe. We were at a party when a fight broke out and I almost got hit when Chad came up out of the blue and put me behind him and protected me from some jerks. But he's a good old fashion kind of guy. He told me that he didn't care if I worked inside or outside of the home, that it was up to me and that he just wanted me to be happy.
Anyway, he is not controlling, but he can be romantic when he wants. I guess that I got lucky.
Well I'm exhausted I will talk to you all tomorrow.
Love ya,
Nyia
Posted by noa on July 26, 2003, at 9:29:21
In reply to Effexor Club Hello! , posted by NThompson on July 25, 2003, at 23:29:07
Hey, a new busload of social babblers! Welcome to the neighborhood, y'all!
Posted by CherC68 on July 26, 2003, at 19:20:50
In reply to Re: Very nicely done! :) (nm) » Dr. Bob, posted by Dinah on July 25, 2003, at 21:19:02
Dear Dinah,
I'm sorry but I am not understanding what was so nicely done. All the girls read the response by Dr. Bob or the apology, but unless there are seven of us girls that are really super slow (I am the least intelligent or book smart of all the girls)we didn't get it. We didn't understand the apology of sorts at all.
Also, as a monitor - I've read a few of your posts and I see that you have OCD - do you put time limits on your ability to post?
The girls didn't know if you worked directly for Dr. Bob or what and seen the amount of your postings in social and there seems to be more from you than others. I think they were also worried about being in social because it makes us feel like everything we say is going to be scrutinized - and let me tell you - trying to find our posts is very hard.
I do thank you for your trying to make us understand how things worked - and I doubt this posting is going to work. Looks like for the first time since I've been on psycho babble - my name and password are gone - have I been booted? I shall soon see.
If you are just like the rest of us girls, our apologies to you, we do not want to make you feel bad or disrespect your "social" space. If you are just a worker for Dr. Bob - then hopefully you could understand - there are a lot of messed-up unhappy girls because of the last few days.Cher
Posted by Dinah on July 26, 2003, at 20:33:24
In reply to Re: Very nicely done! :) » Dinah, posted by CherC68 on July 26, 2003, at 19:20:50
So will refrain from replying.
Posted by jane d on July 26, 2003, at 20:50:15
In reply to Re: Very nicely done! :) » Dinah, posted by CherC68 on July 26, 2003, at 19:20:50
> Dear Dinah,
>
> I'm sorry but I am not understanding what was so nicely done. All the girls read the response by Dr. Bob or the apology, but unless there are seven of us girls that are really super slow (I am the least intelligent or book smart of all the girls)we didn't get it. We didn't understand the apology of sorts at all.
>
> Also, as a monitor - I've read a few of your posts and I see that you have OCD - do you put time limits on your ability to post?
>
> The girls didn't know if you worked directly for Dr. Bob or what and seen the amount of your postings in social and there seems to be more from you than others. I think they were also worried about being in social because it makes us feel like everything we say is going to be scrutinized - and let me tell you - trying to find our posts is very hard.
>
> I do thank you for your trying to make us understand how things worked - and I doubt this posting is going to work. Looks like for the first time since I've been on psycho babble - my name and password are gone - have I been booted? I shall soon see.
>
>
> If you are just like the rest of us girls, our apologies to you, we do not want to make you feel bad or disrespect your "social" space. If you are just a worker for Dr. Bob - then hopefully you could understand - there are a lot of messed-up unhappy girls because of the last few days.
>
> CherCher,
I'd also like to welcome you and your friends to this board. I think that if you have a little patience many of the things that confuse you now will become clear. Many of us had to spend a lot of time reading the other posts when we first started posting to figure out what was happening here and how things worked.One thing you said did worry me a little bit however:
"being in social because it makes us feel like everything we say is going to be scrutinized". Don't forget that all of these boards are public boards - and that everything you say on them will be read by many people now and in future years. Don't be misled into thinking you are in a private place just because few people are answering your posts. There are tons of private groups on the internet (and it takes minutes to create your own) but this isn't one of them. To my mind that's one of the things that makes it great.Jane
Posted by jane d on July 26, 2003, at 20:56:43
In reply to Re: I am very hurt by that post....., posted by Dinah on July 26, 2003, at 20:33:24
You tried to do what needed to be done when nobody else was doing it. That's always appreciated. Next time it will be someone else's turn. - jane
Posted by CherC68 on July 26, 2003, at 21:09:58
In reply to Re: Don't be! » Dinah, posted by jane d on July 26, 2003, at 20:56:43
Dear Dinah,
I know what you did was a very nice thing, and I do appreciate your help.
It's just that some people thought you actually worked for Dr. Bob and didn't understand that as a monitor - you are also here for understanding too.
I read only a few of your posts to us and thought the same thing as well until I came across the OCD post. I clean my house and brush my teeth sometimes up to 10 times a day, I wash my hands too much and I repeat myself over & over - I wake and do the same things - any variance in my day - blows me a part.
I didn't have time to try going over all your posts but I only know one person in my life to have OCD except my brother who washes his hands too much.
I was amazed that you share these things in public and are a monitor. You're sharing is helping in two ways, helping other people like me who have ocd know we're not alone and by being a monitor and making sure everything is civil. I commend you for it.You seem 95% more optomistic in life than I am and that's just the few posts you did recently with trying to help us girls understand - and just the few posts in Babble that I have read regarding your personal life. Since you are so optimistic - maybe you felt that Dr. Bob's apology or explanation was going to make us feel better - I for one am more pessimistic and didn't quite get it. I wish I was more optomistic (sorry - I am probably spelling it wrong too huh - can't be it and can't spell it either).
Again, I am so sorry and did not mean to offend you. I am not sure if I addressed all the things that have hurt you, but I may be mean to guys that tick me off in real life, but I would never ever want to hurt you on purpose Dinah.
Big Hugs and again,
I'm Sorry.
Cher
Posted by CherC68 on July 26, 2003, at 21:22:42
In reply to Re: Another welcome » CherC68, posted by jane d on July 26, 2003, at 20:50:15
Dear Jane,
Thank you for the Welcome.
What I meant was scrutinized is by being afraid to talk about religion - because there is a faith babble - or if we talk about our med's its going to be rerouted to the medical section of babble - there's so many babbles on here, that the girls in the Effexor section formed a bond - there are about 10 of us that post regularly. We welcomed others and we talked about our meds and fears & hopes etc.
I guess a message by one of the girls getting rerouted freaked me and most of the others out.
Scrutinized means to me - dont' talk about faith in social - don't talk about meds in social - don't talk about social things in meds.
That's what I meant.
Also, please understand that many of us girls are emaling to each other now - some of us before this rerouting took place and some of us are new at it I've had about 20 babble posts today and 70 emails from the girls. We miss our Babble - and we're tired because we took this so emotionally hard.
Thanks for listening.
Hugs,
Cher
Posted by Dinah on July 26, 2003, at 21:46:30
In reply to Re: I'm Sorry, posted by CherC68 on July 26, 2003, at 21:09:58
Thanks for the apology, Cher. No, I don't work for Dr. Bob in any way. I'm just a poster who really loves Babble and volunteered to help out when he's unavailable. However, my involvement as a deputy is minimal. This is Dr. Bob's board. Almost all of my many posts are made by me as a fellow poster. If I am acting as deputy, I am clear to say so.
I suppose that being new here, and not being familiar with Dr. Bob's posting style, you aren't aware that that was really a very nice apology, Dr. Bob style. So perhaps you misinterpreted my positive reinforcement to him as being something negative towards you all.
Optimistic is not a word that I see very often applied to me. But I do try to see the best in people.
No hard feelings. I hope you come to find to find Babble as supportive a place as I have.
Dinah
Posted by noa on July 26, 2003, at 22:16:32
In reply to Re: Very nicely done! :) » Dinah, posted by CherC68 on July 26, 2003, at 19:20:50
Cher--sometimes if you don't see your name and password in the posting form, it is just because the cookies have been erased from your computer or you are at a new computer. Could that be what happened?
Your post did come through.
Dinah is just a participant who has volunteered to help Dr. Bob (he asked for help). I think the reason there are so many posts from her right now is she was really trying to help y'all understand how this site works.
I really suggest taking some time to read the FAQs page--it explains the deputy moderator bit, and many other things about this site.
I am glad y'all did find your way here. It is a good board and we like having new people.
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